To not pay for DD's swimming lessons?

[GoingToTheZoo123]

DD is 18, she is still at college, but has a part-time job. She has about £3,500 in the bank, so she isn't short of money.

She can't swim - I had her in swimming lessons, before anyone has a go at me! from about 4-7 but she just never got it, was always scared of the water, etc.

She is now very eager to give it a go again - our local leisure centre has adult classes, so that's nice. However, she asked if we could go half and half. I said no and that she is old enough to pay for herself! She's an adult now, who has money.

AIBU?

Notso

We are talking about a student with a p/t job, not an 35 year old who should have a full time job etc

I have a 19 and 21 year old, we just started paying for diving lessons for the 19 year old. They both are students with p/t jobs. We will also be partly funding ds car insurance until he can get ncb to bring down the cost.

My parents offered me driving lessons on my 17th birthday. My mum was in control of all the finances and though incredibly generous, had some funny ideas. One of which was that I could learn to drive with one lesson a week. She couldn't drive and never tried. My dad knew differently but it wasn't worth the argument.

After several weeks of my forgetting how to start the car I decided to give up and learned to drive a few years later when I could pay for my own lessons and have them two or three times a week.

If it had been up to my mum I'd still be learning and my various instructors would have retired to a villa in Spain on her money. She wasted her money.

An important lesson to learn is that sometimes you have to pay for things yourself in order to be able to do things they way you want, rather than what other people think is best for you.

bruffin I'm a 35 year old with zero job and next year I'll probably be a student. I don't have £3,500 of my own to spend on whatever I want to.

Yes, the DD is a student with a part time job. Presumably the job is to help her buy things for herself. Like swimming lessons.
My own DD is a student with a part time job, she doesn't save up all her wages and expect us to fund her leisure activities.

Great, you are paying for lessons and helping with insurance for your son. However you obviously want to do that, you don't have to. I assume your son isn't forcing you to. OP doesn't want to pay for her daughters swimming lessons and she doesn't have to, even if her daughter wants her too.

But they are your choices as a 35 yr old. No parent would have the same expectations of a student of 18 with a p/t job as they would of a 35 who is either unemployed or unemployed.

I was a student with a part time job, a baby, a husband to be and a mortgage at 19. I don't think my parents expected any less from me then as they do now. I was an adult then and I'm an adult now.
Yes some parents still support their adult children financially at 18/19, it's what they want to do. Some parents give their thirty plus adult children chunks of money towards deposits for houses, it's what they want to do.
It doesn't mean all parents have to though.
OP isn't obliged to pay for her adult daughters choice to swim any more than mine have to pay for my choice to drive.

She's not obliged, no - nobody is going to take her to court over it! It'd just be a nice thing to do:)

"Now at 35 I want to learn should I ask my Mum and Dad to fund it?"

That depends on your relationship with your parents; such an arrangement certainly wouldn't surprise me. However, if you did ask and your parents posted on mumsnet to ask if they were being unreasonable to not want to fund you, I would say they most definitely were not. An 18 year old in full time education, presumably still living at home, is very different to an independent 35 year old.

"OP isn't obliged to pay for her adult daughters choice to swim any more than mine have to pay for my choice to drive."

Agreed. But most decisions parents make to support their children are motivated by love and a desire to see them reach skilled independence, not obligation. The OP does seem to be asking if she is obligated, which I think is kind of sad; more importantly, if she can afford it, agreeing to chip in communicates love and support to her daughter and is just a decent thing to do given what swimming opens up for her daughter. It's not about what's right or wrong but about what contributes to helping her daughter become a skilled independent adult and what is in the best long term interests of their relationship. Of course, if money is tight then that changes things but I assume it isn't as the daughter asked and the OP didn't mention money.

I don't get this harsh idea that at 18 the parent-child relationship fundamentally changes. An 18 year old is legally an adult, sure, but most are not that different from a 16 or 17 year old.

Id pay it. Doesn't she need those savings for uni? Ergo saving you money in the long run

OP has long since disappeared so has no real interest in whether you would or wouldn't pay..

I personally wouldnt, if she pays for them herself she might try abit harder to learn quicker. Yes its important that children learn to swim but shes 18, hardly going to be dicking around near water like young kids. Its an important part of life to learn to drive too but i wouldnt pay for them if shes working and not exactly skint. Also dont feel bad that she didnt learn when she was younger, alot of mums i know have kids that hate water and either refuse to swim once theyre in the water or just wont even get in the car to go, its a fear and the worst thing you could of done is to of forced her!

My parents paid for all kinds of activities for me because I was a late addition to their family so they wanted me to make friends my own age.

Swimming and riding were the only things I was good at and most importantly for them, where the atmosphere was friendly. Other activities unfortunately turned out to be cliquey and bullying, which was the exact opposite of what they were trying to achieve.

I really enjoyed Girls' Brigade until I grew out of it about 11 but that cost hardly anything. I suppose you could say it's a life skill because like Guides it teaches you co-operation, self sufficiency, responsibility and to care about others.

And so what if people post and run? I'm bored on a Wednesday afternoon and want to drone on about my childhood

limitedperiodonly

she's not a child, she doesn't have to learn to swim, plus if she's paying for it she is more likely to stick with it. should you pay anything ? only if YOU want to,

"You don't have to go in the water, whereas you can hardly avoid being around people.
Hardly the same thing."

Why do drownings happen to non swimmers?

Sometimes people fall into deep water without intending to. My father fell into water when he was careless stepping off a boat. He slipped on the pontoon and fell into the water. Being able to swim and wearing a buoyancy aid meant that the worst thing that happened was getting wet.

Sometimes people accidentally fall into rivers or canals. Being able to swim means that the experience is just embrassing. People don't always expect to fall into water and most people do not wear a buoyancy aid when feeding the ducks.

I wasn't allowed to swim when I was little and school never offered swimming lessons so I have grown up not knowing how to swim. Schools don't always offer lessons.

I paid for a course of adult lessons a while ago.

I think your daughter should pay for the lessons. You can buy her a costume and goggles and a hat if she needs one. Maybe a nice bag and some nice things for the shower but she has the money to pay for it and she needs to learn that you aren't always going to be able to go halves on things.

It's lovely that you care enough to ask though!

I would if you can afford it. I see learning to swim as part of her education rather than a hobby, but just at a later time than when most people do it.

I don't understand - I didn't learn with lessons, my mum and dad taught me how to swim. Maybe you or someone else could go to the pool with her in like "free time"?

I've done swimming "proficiencies" since (through school) such as lifesaving, diving etc. But basic swimming was just practicing by myself

Who says she is on a low wage she has a lot of money in the bank!