To not pay for DD's swimming lessons?

[GoingToTheZoo123]

DD is 18, she is still at college, but has a part-time job. She has about £3,500 in the bank, so she isn't short of money.

She can't swim - I had her in swimming lessons, before anyone has a go at me! from about 4-7 but she just never got it, was always scared of the water, etc.

She is now very eager to give it a go again - our local leisure centre has adult classes, so that's nice. However, she asked if we could go half and half. I said no and that she is old enough to pay for herself! She's an adult now, who has money.

AIBU?

I don't think YABU but I'd think about going halves if it's easily affordable.

I can't swim for the same reasons as your daughter and would never have asked my parents to pay.

otoh, as you have a history of paying for lessons for ages and it was not successful, it might be more successful if she is paying herself. It will be totally her own achievement

She had plenty of opportunity to learn as a kid. She chose not to. It's her issue now.

I think I'd help a little towards it.---- Though I don't think she should expect it.

I do think it's a good skill to have.

You reminded me, I'm taking DD today.

The did HAS suggested going halves on lessons, which considering she is in full time education (university next year maybe) and has a Saturday job is pretty good of her.

If she is headed towards university, or full time employment and moving out, she'll need the money she's saved so far - and good on her for saving so well.

Pay halves OP please. She's working, studying and saving. She's doing good. Support her in this. Not many 18 year olds see the error of their 9 year old ways.

She's 18!!

She can pay for her own activities

She's in full time education!!

Hmm... In my opinion, it is your fault. If your 8/9 year old (although in original post you said 4-7) is so petrified of water that she won't even get in the car for lessons, it is your responsibility to figure out why and figure out a way around it. It's not dance lessons and It isn't the same as driving lessons at all. Dance classes are a luxury and being able to drive is a convenience. Being able to swim (especially when you live in a country surrounded by water) is a necessary life skill.

I went through something similar with my dd when she was age 3 - 5 and had to try multiple different classes, teachers and even pools until we found one that could calm her enough to get her in the water and learning how to swim. In fact, I even paid for my step dc's to learn how to swim because I felt it was so important.
By the way, did you ever ask your dd why she reacted so strongly against the lessons? In my own case, despite being an excellent swimmer, I generally avoid swimming and hate putting my face under water (even in the shower) because I have asthma and it triggers a reminder of what it feels like when I'm having a severe attack and can't breathe. Could your dd have been frightened by a bad teacher or another child in the pool and no one ever talked it through with her?

So was I, yet I had to pay for my own driving lessons

Hmmm...

Well technically, seeing as you saved money years ago when she didn't have the lessons, you could give her what you would have paid.

I would estimate that the cost of lessons has doubled in the last 10 years, so going halves works perfectly.

At the end of the day, can you really put a price on a skill that could save your child's life?

I would go halves. We are currently paying for my 19 year old to have diving lessons (she wanted to do it for years but couldnt find a diving pool) but they were part of her birthday present.

It's your choice obviously, but personally I would pay half in these circumstances.

I think I'd probably treat her to it as I would feel so chuffed that she finally wanted to learn, and relieved. I find it scary when people can't swim.

you should pay all of it.
you gave up too easily. no kid likes swimming. as parents it is the biggest pain of the week (well it was for me anyway)
she needs to be able to swim.

I would contribute and be as encouraging as I could. I would feel as though I was partially responsible for her not learning to swim. But we are all very keen swimmers.

She had a job and money saved. I think she should pay for the lessons.
Maybe buy her a nice swimming costume for giving it another go.

It depends if you can afford it.
She's done bloody well to save up £3500 at her age. I presume you'd prefer her to spend that on driving lessons/uni fees/property deposit than swimming lessons?
So if you could stretch, then I think it would be reasonable to pay half.

Has a job.

Actually, having thought about it, I would pay the lot and buy her a swimming costume and goggles. I'd be delighted she was keen. This is probably her last chance before life gets in the way

Sometime on MN the whole "she's 18 therefore she's an adult" mentality is so strange. She'll always be your daughter. Be kind!

I don't think it's that. It's the fact that she has the money and ability to pay for it, but is choosing not to. That to me doesn't say she's fully committed to it. It's not an essential life skill. It's nice to know, but her knowledge of swimming will neither help nor hinder her at this point unless she plans on incorporating it into her career.

Things that parents should help pay for are things that will actually benefit their child or their child needs: books, glasses, food, shoes, etc. She's 18 with a job. She's not a child who has no ability to get her own money and needs to rely on mom and dad. Nor is she a small child that could wander into a river while chasing a butterfly. If it's really that important to her, she can pay for it. If it's not, then she has money for another day.

I do like the idea of paying half (or all) as a Christmas gift though.

No I wouldn't pay and I am a very soft parent!

She has over £3,000 in the bank she can afford to pay for them herself but I am surprised that her secondary school didn't make swimming part of they're P.E lessons,all 5 of our DC have been swimming with they're schools and our youngest is only 9(they have they're own pool at they're school)and I went swimming with my secondary school and I'm 41 now.

None of our DC had lessons we taught them to swim ourselves it was the same for me and my DH and for our parents,we've all been taught by our parents and taught our DC.

She is an adult, HER desision, she pays for her own lessons, never mind she is "only" 18, not 24, what difference would that make. I used to go out deep sea fishing with my late Father, I couldnt swim, we had lessons at secondary school, outdoor pool, absolutely freezing, the swimming used to pull our legs from under us, the PE teachers just got us holding on the side of the pool kicking our legs. In my 20 desided to sign up with local pool for lessons, they threw you in the deep end, no thank you. Always been VERY aqua phobic, I did have swimming lessons at 40, before that time, I couldnt even get my face wet in a shower, I couldnt breath. A couple of bad experiences put me of, I can do the strokes, but cant do the breathing, so never go out of my depth. Interestingly, there was a programme a couple of weeks ago, all the people who drown every year ARE swimmers! Because they they get into difficulties, and non swimmers dont jump into quarries and off cliffs.

nocampinghere no child likes swimming I don't agree with that I loved swimming from when I was 2 years old and all of our 5DC love swimming.

When I was growing up I was never short of a friend or two to go swimming with at the weekend and our older 4DC have all gone swimming with they're friends once they were old enough to go without us.

I'd go halves as a sign of my pride in my DD for overcoming her phobia and because I'd want her to have a life skill that could save her life.

The whole she is 18 an adult mentality, be kind!! Excuse me, so if you "children" are in their 40s, reckless with money, spending it all having a good time, dont pay the rent/mortgage, its OUR responsibility because they are our children and we want to be KIND!!!!!!