To not pay for DD's swimming lessons?

[GoingToTheZoo123]

DD is 18, she is still at college, but has a part-time job. She has about £3,500 in the bank, so she isn't short of money.

She can't swim - I had her in swimming lessons, before anyone has a go at me! from about 4-7 but she just never got it, was always scared of the water, etc.

She is now very eager to give it a go again - our local leisure centre has adult classes, so that's nice. However, she asked if we could go half and half. I said no and that she is old enough to pay for herself! She's an adult now, who has money.

AIBU?

She's still at college. She is a productive member of the family because she's working, which says she's a go getter, isn't she? Were she earning a good full time wage, I'd say give her the money for Christmas. Under these circumstances I'd pay or at least go halves if you can afford it. My mother paid for my driving lessons as a birthday present when I was 17. Swimming is a life skill.

I don't think you are unreasonable but seeing as she is still at college, I would pay half.

I think the suggestion of lessons as an early Christmas gift is a good idea. Get her going while she's motivated . Some of us are late developers in some aspects of life and need a hand to catch up on essential skills.
Also it's good she's a saver -- unless you are really skint, don't dissuade her by insisting she spends the money on the whole cost of the lessons.
Is she thinking of tertiary education? She'll need the money for that.
If the lessons turn out to save her life then you won't regret it.

Hmm having read other people's posts I have changed my mind a bit! benedikte has a point about her having saved some money already, (which I also would not have thought to do at 18!) and yes it would be a shame for her to spend a chunk of it on swimming lessons. A Christmas present sounds like a good idea.

Let's put this perspective - yes, the OP saved money on her DD not having swimming lessons when young. You don't want to know how much we've spent on swimming lessons for ours! But I get the impression that she tried to get her to learn and no doubt the money was spent on her child elsewhere. OP - did you pay for skiing lessons or would she like you to pay half for those as well? Your DD is an adult. YANBU

However I would countance this with asking if she can drive? Will she ask you for half and if so, would you have helped her pay for half of the lessons? I paid for all of my own - my parents always made that clear to me. If the answer is yes, swimming lessons would probably cost in the low £100's to halve, driving lessons possibly the mid to high £100's. It just might be cheaper to pay for the swimming

Ahh. just saw the college comment. Yep - I would offer some money for lessons

Why not go halves?
And why get all defensive?

The fact she wants to try at 18 is fantastic as many adults would be put off. She's at college and can't afford it. So help her out. You're her mother. She's not exactly asking for something extravagant.

Why not just help pay for them though I'd pay the whole lot because, you know, she's your daughter??!

Sometime on MN the whole "she's 18 therefore she's an adult" mentality is so strange. She'll always be your daughter. Be kind!

If it was me i would say 'yes, i will help with the costs, you pay for the first six lessons and I will pay for the second six' (or whatever number seems fair).

Puts the onus on her to show she is serious about going, but lends a helping hand.

Only, of course, if you can afford it!

I would offer to give her half back, for every 10 lessons she completes, if you can afford it. That way, it should keep her motivated to keep going.

could you make her half her Christmas present?

On a slightly different tangent, has she looked at a few different places to learn? My local council owned pool does a big discount if you are an adult in education still so might be worth her asking about concessions. My brother also got some deals Locally linked to the college. That wasn't for lessons but might be an idea.

To your question, why does she want to learn now? Is it for a specific reason ie planned holiday or a whim? Do you think she will stick with it or be afraid still? I think i would probably make he buy the first few and then go halves once I was sure my money wasn't going to be wasted and only if I could afford it.

She is not 42 with small kids and a mortgage, she's just 18. Pay half, because she's your daughter and you are kind and she's doing a good thing.

I would pay. It's a life skill and whether she learns it at 8 or 18 I think you should be encouraging that.

If she's still in full time education, I would pay.

I don't really imagine adulthood starts on your 18th birthday but when you leave six form and then progress either into a job or to university (and then if university you're probably still going to be helping out on living costs etc for the next 3-4 years).

do you pay for driving lessons?
i wouldnt pay, because I couldnt afford to.
I might be guilt tripped into going halves.

If I could afford it, I'd go halves with her. My Mum and I used to go halves on lots of things, even when I was a student with a part-time job - shoes, clothes, driving lessons, etc. I wasn't really independent enough to pay for it all myself, but if it was a reasonable thing (i.e. I really needed some new shoes) Mum would go halves to help me out :-)

I wouldn't pay. Not when she's got thousands of pounds worth of savings. I think she was cheeky to ask.

I think I would go halves and would be really impressed that they were instigating something like this.

I think the past history of taking a screaming DC to swimming lessons is impacting on your attitude here. I'd try to take that latent emotion out of it.
What's your approach to other expenses? She is 18 but she has a part-time job. If you make her pay rent, or put money towards other big purchases then do the same for swimming. Because she will already have learnt to value items that she has to spend money on iyswim so it will help to keep her motivated. If you usually finance big purchases for her so she can save, then pay for the swimming lessons.

Mine didn't learn to swim until they were nine, same age I did and they all went swimming and had lessons. Just the way it went. For something that could save their life if this was my child I'd pay half at least if not all.

YANBU. If either of my adult DC couldn't swim and wanted lessons, I'd expect them to pay.

Its very mumsnet to insist that not being able to swim is somehow the end of the world. I know loads of adults who cant swim and they are fully functioning humans.
Id not pay. Her choice, her cost.

YANBU. I wouldn't pay - you've already paid for lessons when she was younger. She has the money but doesn't want to spend it, which is very different from not being able to afford it.