To not pay for DD's swimming lessons?

[GoingToTheZoo123]

DD is 18, she is still at college, but has a part-time job. She has about £3,500 in the bank, so she isn't short of money.

She can't swim - I had her in swimming lessons, before anyone has a go at me! from about 4-7 but she just never got it, was always scared of the water, etc.

She is now very eager to give it a go again - our local leisure centre has adult classes, so that's nice. However, she asked if we could go half and half. I said no and that she is old enough to pay for herself! She's an adult now, who has money.

AIBU?

I would give her the money for the cost of the swimming lessons for one term as a Christmas present. Not being able to swim can be limiting as an adult, especially if she has children.

I spent a lot of money on getting my children to swim. Ds has individual lessons due to being dyspraxic and having glue ear for four terms. Dd is swimming mad and doing synchro, swimming club and lessons. Swimming is good excercise and improves fitness.

I'm shocked at posters saying that the OP should pay because her DDs only 18. She's an adult now not a child and it's not up to her mum to fund her hobbies. Your child not being able to swim is hardly parental neglect. Yes it's a nice skill to have but millions of people manage without.

I think if you do have the money to help her then yabu. If my dd couldn't swim at 18 and was really keen to learn then I'd be supporting her anyway I could.

If half is easily affordable for you I would agree with PPs and say you will pay for the second term. I wouldn't pay half up front just in case she dropped out. That could really lead to friction!

If your budget is tight enough that paying half means you have to cut back or go without in some other area of your life tell her that. She is old enough to understand that the 'Bank of Mum and Dad' cannot always cover everything.

If you can afford it I think you should pay half. Or pay all of it but tell her it's a Christmas and birthday present combined or something.

Swimming is an important life skill (there are some jobs she can't have, many experiences she won't be able to make and if she wants children...). I think it's great she's willing to give it ago.

I'd get them for her as a Christmas/birthday present.

My 18 year old is at uni. She also works and also saves money. We quite happily pay her sport subs, buy her kit etc. She does ask us to help her with stuff financially but that's what I expect of an 18 year old still in education. I think swimming lessons for a non-swimmer is a different issue to a club or hobby and more akin to dentist and doctor visits. We fully expect to pay for our daughter's dental and health costs while she is still at uni. I would feel quite a responsibility to contribute to swimming lessons for her if she couldn't swim, so I think YABU.

If you don't pay, she will use it against you in future years, that's for sure. Kids have selective memories.

If she's still in full time education, I would pay

^^ This - or some arrangement of it being Christmas present.

I think that because it was how I was raised - I wasn't independent financially of my parents till older - when I left for University at 18 but at end of school year nearer 19. While at school my parents still provided - and money I saved from jobs went towards University costs.

Brother moved out just before 18 but that was similar point with parents - they provided some support when he got stuck but as he wasn't in education he paid for things like this.

DH had things like this paid for longer - his parents choice and they only have him.

I honestly don't think she should spend the 3'500 on swimming lessons.

Maybe she'll need expensive books for university (I did, they nearly broke the bank...) or a new computer... or she'll need money for a deposit.

Isn't it great that she wants to learn it even though it seems to have been so traumatising?
Half/Half sounds like a reasonable suggestion to me. But obviously only if you can afford it.

I've never seen such hysteria around swimming as I have on Mumsnet.

Many, many people can't afford endless swimming lessons if their children don't 'get it' immediately. My eldest has been going a year and a half and still can't swim. It's really bloody expensive and I just don't agree that it's a 'necessary life skill' - a phrase trotted out every time there's one of these threads. Thankfully we can afford for him to continue and, while he doesn't particularly enjoy it, he will go. If he hated it, I'd stop the lessons. I certainly wouldn't be forcing him into a car, putting his trunks on and chucking him in the water.

Necessary life skills include being able to read, count, boil an egg (or similar) etc. You don't need to be able to swim to get through life. Sure, it's nice when you go on holiday to be able to jump in the pool but the vast majority of adults don't go swimming from one month to the next. And if they accidentally fall in some water (Andy how many times have you genuinely fallen in deep water, in your entire life?) and there happens to be absolutely nobody around to help then, well, we all have to go some way, don't we
.

Just on a practical note, we found that 5 lessons every morning of a half term week were MUCH more effective than an hour for week for months! My son could save himself doggy paddle style if he fell into water but weekly lessons did not improve his swimming/motivation at all. I sympathise with you OP as it is hard work to take a kid swimming even if they want to -- and if they don't want to go? it's exhausting!

She is motivated now, so I'd pay half, in your position, and maybe help her get there is transport is a problem. You have said no to start with so this will make her start thinking about what she needs to pay for herself in the future. Is she learning to drive also? (so expensive!)

I had left home at 17 however this does not detract from the fact :

I do not think just because she is 18 that means she has to support herself at everything.

She now wants to do something she couldn't do .
She is in full time education.
Has a part time job.

She does want to pay half ..

Overcoming something that was so tough she gave up at a very early age..

This isn't about who is to blame it is about encouraging your daughter. She will reach an age where she becomes to self conscious to do it. It is also worth considering at some point she is likely to have her own children.. If she can't swim she will be putting her child in lessons no going to swimming for fun.

Swimming is not a life skill in the scheme of things though it is a handy thing to know from a social and fitness point of view.

At 18 I could think of other things to tap my parents for than swimming lessons

I couldn't swim as a child for similar reasons to your DD. School "swimming lessons" were rubbish and didn't involve any actual coaching; non-swimmers stayed in the shallow end and occasionally an adult left the competent swimmers to come to peer at us. That was all I got though, my mother didn't try to teach me (that I recall) and certainly lessons were out of the question. OP did try and sounds like she spent a considerable amount of time, money and stressful effort (refusing to get in the car sounds quite extreme) in trying to get her DD to be able to swim. So I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't contribute any more to her DD's swimming attempts.

FWIW I learned as a 27 yo, I really regretted those years of being unable to swim. I paid for my lessons myself. Our council runs courses for adult learners which is quite competitive. She could look into that.

I would pay. She is 18 and at college (so not a working adult) and swimming is very important. Most kids can't swim properly at 7 so I think you should have found a pool / teacher that suited her better. I'd guess the pool was too cold if she was so reluctant to get in :(

My kids love swimming and lessons and I think it's because I'm confident in the water and enjoy splashing around with them from babies.

She's got plenty of money in the bank, she can afford to pay for them herself. It's not your fault she can't swim, despite what many people on here seem to think. I also can't swim despite years of lessons in school, like literally can't even float, yet have somehow survived this long so it can't be that essential a life skill...

FWIW, I'd consider driving to be far more of an essential life skill, which I paid for myself because I had a few hundred in the bank...

I think it's very odd to be an NT functioning adult and not be able to swim. My dad couldn't and whenever we went on holiday (nowhere flash just British seaside) he couldn't come and splash around with us so we could only ever go with mum who was very ill! It was depressing!

I personally would go halves but it's up to you. I also disagree that not being able to swim is awful and essential as my dads managed 65 years without the skill as he is afraid of deep water. It didn't impact my childhood - be would still come in the sea and pool etc on holiday but only so far as the water was up to his chest. That was fine, be was much taller than me and I could still swim. I don't think it's parents duty to get them swimming - what if she hated it or was scared? I think it'd be far worse for op to have forced her to go swimming lessons and would have been verging on cruel. As it's near Christmas maybe paying half could be part of her Christmas present? I think if she's not working full time I'd be more inclined To Help.

I haven't read the whole thread so not sure if I'm repeating others or totally going against everyone else.

I had a bad accident when I was a kid in water, it made me afraid (and still am to this day). It stopped me being able to swim so I didn't learn. Don't go to the pool much.

When I was around 19-20 I decided I wanted to know how to swim even if I wasn't great at it. I paid for myself, never once did I consider it my mums job to pay for it. As an adult with a job (and no savings) it was something I wanted to do so I paid for it.

If you want you can give her some money towards it but it's more important IMO for her to understand that if she wants to do something she needs to pay herself.
She has the money for it.

So many people saying no because she has money in the bank, so if she had gone out every night and pissed her money away then yes support her, but penalise her for saving her money?

I suppose it will teach her not to save in the long run, which will save her being penalised for saving as an adult and having to spend it all on care homes while people are in there with her being totally funded after spending all their money while they could enjoy it!

I think it's fair that she has come to you asking for half, she hasn't just expected you to pay for them. My decision would depend on whether you can afford it without scrimping and saving, but if you can manage it I would go halves. I also like PP suggestions of her paying for term 1 and you paying for term 2 (but unsure how long it will take her to get it) or telling her you will give her half the money after completing each term if she sticks with it. That way you aren't going to be nagging her or falling out with her because if she quits it's only her own money she has wasted

MN is a hoot at times! On another thread the majority of posters are indignant that an 18 yo wouldn't pay their parents rent and yet on this one parents should pay for swimming lessons.

"Its very mumsnet to insist that not being able to swim is somehow the end of the world. I know loads of adults who cant swim and they are fully functioning humans. "

They wouldn't be functioning for long if they fell into water, though, would they?

If it were any other sport or class I would say, let the daughter pay, but the OP should have kept at it and got her daughter over her fears and got her swimming when she was a kid. I think the OP should pay, or at least pay halves.

I've been in a situation where learning to swim has saved my life. Imo it's totally an essential life skill. I had a severely swim-phobic child who by dint of us shelling out for three-on-one lessons until she could cope is now back in ordinary lessons and at 8 loves the water and is swimming better than me!

OP, life and stubborn kids get in the way of persevering with persuading our kids to acquire certain essential life skills. My 6yo still can't ride a bike. But now you have a chance to make amends, so go for it.