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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD isn't looking at unis :( I know I'm BU

90 replies

CloudsIn · 10/10/2016 02:42

DD is 17 and currently doing her a levels. She isn't 100% what she wants to do, potentially social work or police or something like that.

She was doing 4 a levels, she failed one last year, so didn't continue it, is potentially going to fail one this year, so would leave with 2 a levels. Which she isn't happy with. She is definitely very bright and wants to do them but was ill in hospital constantly, has finally had the surgery, but obviously missed quite a bit of school because of it.

All my friends kids are looking around unis she wants to spend the next year going back to the first a level that she failed and potentially do that for the next 2 years and pick up some volunteering, etc... then go to uni for social work or maybe try and join the specials (she isn't sure yet) DH is in police so aware of how hard it is to get in. We will support her, as she does dog walking (not much work but enough to have money) but it just feels like such a shame all I hear is about how great these unis are and it's a bit awkward to say that DD is planning on doing a levels still. I'm a bit frustrated with her in a way as I know she was ill but I'm not getting why she wants to spend the next 2 years doing 1 a level, she tells me that it's her absolute passion (it's physics) but yet she doesn't even want to use that for a career so seems like a huge waste of time and I feel like she should get into a career and then study more if she wants.

OP posts:

QueenLizIII · 10/10/2016 02:46

Ok it is her life but one alevel over 2 years wont occupy her time.

She will be what 20 when she finishes. Is she going to get a job whilst she does one alevel.

Somerville · 10/10/2016 02:48

She's best off focusing on the 3 A'levels she's doing already. She doesn't need 4. Maybe she':"s got the re-sit plan because it takes the pressure off herself for decent results with these 3?

Can you afford a tutor to help her catch up with what she's missed? And is her school being good?

Original poster

CloudsIn · 10/10/2016 02:48

She has an interview for a supermarket, but still...

OP posts:

GreatFuckability · 10/10/2016 02:50

She's so young. She has all the time in the world for uni, so id say let her figure it out for herself. My one stipulation would be that she also looks for work whilst she resits the A level.

Original poster

CloudsIn · 10/10/2016 02:54

Tutor is a no really as I can't afford it and DD has saved £2000 but doesn't want to use it for a tutor.

She hates school at the moment, I know she does and wants to leave (she isn't friends with many people as she was off for so long so they got their own friends really).

She won't have 4 a levels as she is sure she is going to fail the one she is doing this year, it's the new 2 year one so she doesn't even have an AS in it. She says she isn't doing it because she needs them but because she loves physics. But if she loves bloody physics so much, why doesn't she want to do that for the future!? I'm not getting it

OP posts:

Somerville · 10/10/2016 02:56

How is she doing in maths? That's a good indicator of her ability in physics.

brambly · 10/10/2016 02:56

Some of the brightest people I know - one of whom was/is effectively at 'prodigy level', and another who had a top tier GCHQ job long before turning 30 - didn't go up to university until their early-mid twenties.

I did two GCSEs at primary school, sailed through A levels and went up to uni at the grand old age of 24. None of the other students even knew about the age gap until I told them, although I think the tutors do cotton on - I suspect people have a different "way" about them after a half decade in a work force dominated by middle aged men!

She has heaps of time. Working full time, living independently and getting some of all the hedonism out of my system before further studying did me the power of good.

Original poster

CloudsIn · 10/10/2016 02:59

Somerville maths is the only one she is doing amazing at! She is so talented in maths and doesn't even want to go further with it!! I don't quite know how she failed physics last year, she goes on and on about how she is missing it.

I know she is young but I just feel like 20 is quite old to be finishing a levels! Especially 2 years doing only 1, I know she plans on getting a job (has an interview very soon) and volunteering but it just seems silly.

OP posts:

GreatFuckability · 10/10/2016 02:59

But its not for you to get or not get, its her life, her education and there are far worse things she could be doing than planning to study! She's not talking about running off to be a stripper. You need to get some perspective.

brambly · 10/10/2016 03:00

Obviously by top tier GCHQ job I don't mean "in the top tier of GCHQ", sure you realised that but thought I ought to clarify

I don't see any reason why any specific explanation need be given about your DD not going up straight away. If anything in some of my module classes, kids that had come up straight from school were in a minority. I doubt anyone would bat an eyelid if you told them she wanted to take a year or two out to decide what she wants to do.

Somerville · 10/10/2016 03:03

If she does well in her maths a'level I'd encourage her to retake physics, if it's still what she wants. Lots of great job options at the end - she doesn't need to choose her career now, and indeed seems to want to buy herself some breathing space.

But it's only a month into term - can't she restart it now and drop whatever she's struggling with? What else is she doing?

brambly · 10/10/2016 03:05

Why is it silly though?

Im a few years time (maximum!!) neither she nor anyone else will give a flying toss whether she finished A-levels at 18 or 20.

If she were to hurry up to uni purely for the sake of being there, chances are she'd drop out in the first year anyway.

In real terms there is fuck all advantage in finishing university at 21 rather than 23.

QueenLizIII · 10/10/2016 03:05

Are you worried about financially supporting her while she meanders for another 2 years before uni?

Original poster

CloudsIn · 10/10/2016 03:06

I think that's what she wants, breathing space tbh, out of school setting.

Well, she's doing psychology (but will probs fail as needs to try and fit both years into 1), maths and English lit. They won't let her continue with physics as she failed the AS

OP posts:

Original poster

CloudsIn · 10/10/2016 03:09

Well, she hasn't even said she definitely wants to go to uni which is the bit that worries me. She has money now and does contribute to the house so I can't knock her really but if she doesn't want to go to uni everything feels like a waste which I know is silly

OP posts:

GreatFuckability · 10/10/2016 03:10

And if she wants to do social work, then even at the 'old' age of 20 she will likely be one of the youngest. And SW courses like life experience. So actually not going straight will be in her favour in that field.

Somerville · 10/10/2016 03:10

But would they let her re-start the AS level?

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 10/10/2016 03:14

I'm in a similar position with my son, in that he's not looking a universities ATM.
I think you could do with not worrying about what other people think about you or your daughter, they're not important.

QueenLizIII · 10/10/2016 03:17

There is a thread here about a tight fisted sister who lives at home with her mum at 29. People were ripping this piss out of her and taunting her for it.

but when you see threads like this, I dont understand why people think it is unusual now to live at home that late.

She may not even pass the alevel. Even if she does she wont graduate until at least 23. Then with a heap of debt. Then with a low salary. etc.

This is the kind of thing, taking your time that is, is what leads to being what people consider behind in life in your late 20s.

PurpleWithRed · 10/10/2016 03:33

frankly, it doesn't matter what you think. You won't be able to make her change her mind, if she's not interested in Uni she won't get in anyway, and rushing her into something she doesn't want to do will backfire. Take another tack: decide what she has to contribute to the household if she follows her plan - money, chores, ground rules etc given she'll be an adult by then. Let her decide what she wants to do next taking that into account.

Imhe she will do far far better in the long run if you listen to her now and let her develop at her own pace.

brambly · 10/10/2016 03:55

QueenLizIII She'll graduate with a heap of debt anyway. Obviously a low salary is fairly standard for a recent graduate, but by no means a guarantee. Why should it matter whether she's 23 or 21? The difference is meaningless.

Taking your time absolutely does not lead to being "behind in life" by any stretch of the imagination. Believe me, the halls of most of the call centres in England are filled with people with bloody good degrees. Your inference that a 29-year-old would probably be at home because they elected to take a year or two out is nonsensical. Huge numbers of students in their 20s no longer live at home anyway. And indeed huge numbers of the people living at home well into adulthood graduated at 21.

As I mentioned further up the thread, some of the people I know who are doing tremendously well for themselves went up to university later. And indeed, plenty of people I know who went up at 18 are working in supermarkets. Within reason, the age at which you elect to go to university is irrelevant, unless not going will involve arsing around in front of the telly all day at Mummy and Daddy's.

Also ought to point out that for huge numbers of young adults - graduates or no - living independently is not financially viable. A man I work with recently moved out of his parents' home at 31, which by his own admission was a cramp on his style at the time. He's the one laughing now, of course, because he elected to stay at home in order to be able to save a hefty proportion of a full time wage towards a deposit, and of course after ten years in the work force, he has now bought his first home (which in this city is no mean feat)

SofiaAmes · 10/10/2016 03:59

As the parent of a child with serious medical issues which cause him to miss enormous (3 weeks to several months every semester) amounts of school, I think that you should positively encourage your dd to go back and redo the subjects that she struggled with. This year, I finally stopped listening to everyone around me insisting that my ds take a zillion advanced courses because he's super bright and pushed ds to take a light course load with lots of time to catch up after an illness. He may not graduate on time as a result. Ds is the happiest and healthiest he's been in years because he's not stressed out. He will get to learn the material that he loves and that will prepare him for the career he wants, but he's doing it at his own pace. As others have said, there is no hurry...she's got her whole life ahead of her and better that she starts a year or two later than she spends her whole life regretting that she didn't pursue the career she was interested in.

Optimist3 · 10/10/2016 03:59

I think your DD is very wise to get some life experience and money under her belt before going to uni. Slightly older students are generally more committed, more determined and more work conscious. The last thing she needs is to pluck for a random uni now and then be uncertain about it while she's studying and later change to a different uni course aged 20.

She can make those two years count massively. Voluntary work in an various area she's interested in. Paid work in some thing also related. Create savings. Travel.

Optimist3 · 10/10/2016 04:02

I think the real problem is your mindset. Her plan is great. Why not support her and help her create an enriching two year plan!?

Champagneformyrealfriends · 10/10/2016 04:10

In the nicest possible way you need to get a grip. It's her life, her education, her decision. Uni is not the be all and end all. It sounds to me like you may be a bit embarrassed that she's decided to do this-it's not a competition.

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