DD isn't looking at unis :( I know I'm BU

[CloudsIn]

DD is 17 and currently doing her a levels. She isn't 100% what she wants to do, potentially social work or police or something like that.

She was doing 4 a levels, she failed one last year, so didn't continue it, is potentially going to fail one this year, so would leave with 2 a levels. Which she isn't happy with. She is definitely very bright and wants to do them but was ill in hospital constantly, has finally had the surgery, but obviously missed quite a bit of school because of it.

All my friends kids are looking around unis she wants to spend the next year going back to the first a level that she failed and potentially do that for the next 2 years and pick up some volunteering, etc... then go to uni for social work or maybe try and join the specials (she isn't sure yet) DH is in police so aware of how hard it is to get in. We will support her, as she does dog walking (not much work but enough to have money) but it just feels like such a shame all I hear is about how great these unis are and it's a bit awkward to say that DD is planning on doing a levels still. I'm a bit frustrated with her in a way as I know she was ill but I'm not getting why she wants to spend the next 2 years doing 1 a level, she tells me that it's her absolute passion (it's physics) but yet she doesn't even want to use that for a career so seems like a huge waste of time and I feel like she should get into a career and then study more if she wants.

STEM is fine if they are the careers that interest you - given that you need a social work degree to be a social worker and funding is only available for ONE degree I'd not suggest she follow a path without it leading to a career she is interested in.

By all means look at careers using maths and physics - but it sounds like she is focused on careers working with people in a supportive way

Job satisfaction is important

I think taking time out is a very sensible decision on her part - she's struggling with A level due to being off school with illness - not necessarily because she is not able - so retaking or taking a further A level is not a bad plan - but she will need to consider how it is funded.

Both social work degrees and entry to the police require a level of work/life experience so her idea of volunteering is also a good one.

Honestly she sounds smashing - and she seems to be making reasonable choices - stop looking at other peoples kids and focus on her - support her to make choices that suit her and her plans

If she is really good at maths A*/A grades and maybe wants to carry that forward I would suggest she does Physics and Further Maths next year. If she is already on target to fail Psychology can she not talk to the school now and change her subjects around so she does Maths A level and restarts year 1 of Physics and starts year 1 of Further maths. Continuing with English if she wants?

This would leave her lots of options and she would only be 1 year behind her peers.

Whether she then goes straight to uni or defers can then be her decision, whilst we all want to encourage our DC it must be their choice.

I too are unclear as to why a 17 year old in full time education is paying towards the household expenses and is now looking for a 2nd job on top of trying to fit a 2 year course into 1 year. Having seen how hard my DC worked for AS and A levels without illness and with only a small amount of working I can only think you are adding to your DD's problems.

Could you not be supportive and encourage her to just keep with the dog walking and studying.

It seems to me that its possible she is feeling the need to recoup that lost time she had, through being in hospital - time to get mentally better (assuming physically ok now), time to be a teen, hang out with friends, figure out what she wants from life. At the moment, the one thing she is clear about is that the physics is important to her - maybe because it symbolises something that she missed out on because of her health. What you know, is that its easier to do all those things with a structure around you, peers doing the same thing - but maybe she's also just not ready to go away and do that yet. There's a lot of development she may have missed out on too. I don't know what I'd encourage in her situation. But I think I'd get her talking to lots of friends, teachers, mentors who will listen and give her advice. And lots of nurture from home.

Is this about your hopes and dreams, rather than hers? Were you hoping for an empty nest next year? You mention it's 'awkward ' re universities, do you actually mean you're embarrassed that your dd, despite her having excellent reasons like serious illness, isn't finishing school and flying the nestwhen everyone else is?
I know what it's like to have to reevaluate and re imagine the future for your dc- my eldest has asd and ld and now I simply can't imagine his future because it's too worrying so I focus on the present instead.
You have an intelligent, hardworking, dutiful dd who's had a hard year academically and socially. Try and work with her to work out her future plans.

Why not do a foundation degree for a year, rather than one A level. She gets the uni experience, can decide if it's for her. Bunk up her UCAS points. She could do a general science year or something. If she passes the year, then great she can continue on to a degree course, if she hates it, she hasn't committed to 3 years of work & cost.
She could use the fact she was unwell as mitigating circumstances for not doing as well as perhaps she could with her A levels, and it would give her a year to decide her final degree choice.

Honestly, I think the problem is your finding it awkward that your dd is planning to continue with a levels whilst other kids are looking at unis. Is this about you or her?

I didn't start training as a social worker until I was 30. I was by no means the youngest on the course.

Far better for her to make decisions that feel right to her than be pushed into something she doesn't want to do because you think it's better (or will be something you can talk about with your peers without feeling awkward). Be careful she doesn't pick up on how you feel.

I agree with what chickydoo suggests .

A few years ago I had an inkling to get a degree as a mature student - so went onto a Foundation Science year at the university. Had to pass a bit of a maths test (not too hard, your DD will smash it) and an interview to get a place.

The course was a mix of mature students (40s like me or a little younger)and Post A Level students who just hadn't achieved the right grades for their required courses.

It was tough going actually. I only stayed until the end of the first full term as I realised Iwasn't prepared to do this AND be a housewife/mum. Four full days per week 9-5 of lessons, Friday was for homework.

It was a good insight into how University life would be -so could be helpful to your DD in that respect too. She would find out what other possibilities there are.

It's hard being the parent of a teenager. They are all different and it may be that she totally changes tack - but just guide her a little and let her make her own decisions.

If she passes 2 a levels, she can then spend the next year focusing on getting a good grade in a third. That is a reasonable time frame. Plenty have a gap year, so she won't be behind many of her peers.

So your daughter has failed A-levels because she has been in and out of hospital? And she now wants to take a bit of a breather to put her life back together? To be honest, this sounds really reasonable. She's been robbed of a bit of her childhood, really, and it probably makes sense for her to regroup and refocus now, rather than further responsibilising her with a career at this point. Life isn't a race, and just because some kids leave for uni at 18 doesn't mean that's right for everyone.

I am disturbed by the fact that you seem just as worried about what your friends think of her than about her wellbeing! And also by the fact that you seem so negative about the things she is expressing an interest in (a parent telling a child that they aren't up to getting into the police is likely to be extremely discouraging - it's very undermining. It doesn't sound like there's any reason this would really be an unrealistic thing for her to try out for?).

I do see your point that one A-level for 2 years isn't really enough - perhaps you can encourage her to take on other, complementary subjects? It's possible to get A-levels just in maths and physics, if those are her passions. Perhaps some work experience in a relevant area might be useful too, e.g. community policing or helping out at a school?

Life is a marathon, not a sprint, don't forget.

I got 3 mediocre A levels and took a year out before uni and pretty much taught myself a fourth (a science) in six months using an FE college resit course and distance learning so I could get into the course I wanted. I worked a bit, visited friends elsewhere, volunteered, did an adult ed literature course, it was one of the best years of my life. As long as she's happy to do it and motivated there's no reason why she shouldn't do things at her own pace.

My dd is in a similar situation: was ill for much of her teens and did not go to uni when her friends did, though in her case mostly because she wanted to do something very competitive and simply didn't get in on her first two attempts.

She is now trying a third time and as a university tutor myself I can't help seeing how much more suited she is to higher studies now than she was 2 years ago and how much more likely it is that she will make a success of them. She has had a year of working full time, of sorting everything out as an adult; she is so much more mature and confident.

I see so many students who are bright and intelligent, but who were too young to know to choose the right course for them or get the most out of it. Many of them still go on and do well, but you can't help thinking they could have done so much better in a year or two.

Another similarity is that dd, like your dd, wants to do something that requires life experience. People apply at all ages, and it's just a totally different world from college.

I've got a skilled maths-head daughter starting year 13 too. However mine hasn't been ill and missed big chunks of the course. I am shocked that the school has automatically refused to let her continue with Physics in these circumstances.

FWIW I think your dd is making sensible choices given the options left available to her, although I also think she could knock Physics A level off in one year if she's not studying anything else, especially as she's already done the first half of the course.

Maybe she wants her life before she was ill back, and the physics A Level is a marker for that?

I went to uni at 18 after failing 2 a levels, got in through clearing as it was something I thought I was supposed to do.
Failed my second year and dropped out! Ended up going back to uni in my mid twenties to do something I knew I would enjoy and was fully committed.
Looking back I wish I hadn't gone the first time it made me feel like a failure, struggling with the work etc. I will be teaching my ds that he doesn't have to follow the trend of its not for him, as my DH doesn't even have a GCSE to his name and is a higher earner than any of our friends including myself!

So after all this she doesnt even know if she wants to go to Uni. Was listening to a discussion on radio 4 last week, about - should you go to Uni, get a job, there are other alternatives, you can do a degree apprenticeship, training while doing the job, and better money. I have so many friends whose kids went to Uni started doing some course, changed their minds, another course, or left and went to work. Seems ridiculous, you have to choose your subjects when you are 12, most dont know want they want to do at that age.If she is even dog walking for money, she should have third party insurance, she is in charge of the animal, if it causes an accident or bites someone.Agree with Optimist3

Completely agree with other posters. It doesn't make a blind bit of difference if you finish A-levels at 21 or 23. She has been ill, so I would think it's OK for her to have struggled a bit and the best solution might be to just stick with three.

I'm not sure why it's awkward for you. You can just tell other people, "As you know DD was very ill and so she's took the decision to take some extra time to do her A-levels" - it's easy. Honestly, it's nobody else's business.

It sounds like she's quite unhappy. I'd focus on getting her happier and more confident first then see where you are with studying and exams. She can always go to college to resit/do more or do a foundation course.

It's hard to be motivated and look to the future if you're feeling down - and by the sounds of it she's had a tough year or two. I had undiagnosed de-ression throughout my A level years and wish my parents had wrapped me up and nurtured me more.

I'm not great and advising how you might work on her low mood and confidence but I'm sure there are people and resources that can advise.

I'm another DP of a DD who has had some serious health issues leading to her missing huge chunks of school & though not the norm, I can see that this isn't actually a bad thing for your DD given the circumstances.

Mine is younger(14), but has missed a lot if school & I've spent the last couple of years trying to reassure her not to worry, try & take a bit if pressure off her as regards the huge amount of stress she feels to do well in school & how behind she feels to catch up & excel, despite her actually doing really well so far.

I do understand your worries, but given the background of her ill health, I think your DD is actually being very sensible & I just hope mine takes her time too. We have a lot of friends who have retrained & changed career direction at much older ages, everything from teacher, law, architecture & social work too. They all got there in the end & benefitted a lot from being older uni students

Don't pressure her into going to Uni before she's ready. I did an unsuitable degree because I wasn't sure what else to do. With hindsight I wish I'd worked for a few years and taken time to crystallise exactly what I wanted to before using up this once in a lifetime chance at HE.

It sounds like she's had a tough couple of years with health issues and not enjoying school. Let her get her breath back, maybe go to college instead of school for a change of scene. She can re-group before carrying on when she's ready.

Sounds like she has her head screwed on right. Instead of doing A's this year though, can't she go back and start physics now and possibly something she'd prefer and then just do the maths this year? That way she'd only have one extra year instead of two. I am saying this from the perspective that the difference in ages between her fellow students will be less noticeable as well. I went back to lower 6th after doing my A's and I lasted a term. The 16/17 old were so much younger than me and I was the weirdo who came back. I wasn't retaking, but doing something different as I wasn't sure what to do with myself either.

University isn't the be all and end all either. I'm 41 and just finished my first degree and I have started a masters. I never missed out work wise as chose to do professional qualifications through work.

Good luck to your DD whatever she does and I hope her health continues.

agree with all the positive responses, and very much disagree with the notion that she'll be 'meandering'. it sounds like she's got plans (joining the specials is a great idea) and is already actioning some of them (applying for the supermarket job), so i really don't see the problem, except that she's not following the herd and is doing something bespoke for her own situation. that sounds smart to me. i'd be proud and support her.

I personally think she is more likely to make good life/career choices by taking her time, rather than rushing into a mediocre degree course with 2 A Levels.

You know you are being silly she sounds focused for now on getting her A levels good for her did you have the notion she would skip off to uni just because,,,, she sounds a sensible girl she might think 3 years is a waste of her time

Let her do her A level and spend the time planning the rest of her life. She could maybe do further / additional maths alongside her physics, or get a part time job.