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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A minor celeb came on to me inappropriately should I report?

382 replies

Iggypoppie · 09/10/2016 14:40

Got a bit of a dilemma.

After watching the jammy Saville doc last week I remembered that earlier this year a current v minor TV presenter several times touched my leg at a charity dinner. It was in a busy room and I was too shocked/confused to ask him to stop! I had only just met him and was three months pregnant so wasn't flirting and I believe his behaviour was sleazy if not predatory.

This person has already been reprimanded for inappropriate behaviour at work in the past so I believe he has form.

My question is, should I tell his employer even though he wasn't attending in a work capacity? Or should I just email him and say that I am on to him?

I don't want a fuss by the way and it was possible that he was just being "friendly" Hmm but it occurred to me that Saville got away so long because of women minimising incidents like this one.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 09/10/2016 15:45

I understand that it was a really distressing experience but what exactly do you want to achieve by emailing him?

How do you think he will react to receiving an email? Do you think he will feel embarrassed or ashamed? Or do you think he will feel vindicated? My personal feeling is that if he received an email from someone he probably doesn't remember at an event several months ago and a leg touch he probably doesn't even recall he's probably going to feel that he is the victim. I can actually see him printing it off and waving it around to his friends saying 'Look what I have to put up with from these mad feminists, some complete stranger has emailed me complaining I touched her leg in February. World's gone mad!'. Ditto reporting it. It's the kind of allegation that would never stand a cat in hell's chance of going anywhere and, again, it would probably make him feel vindicated in a 'Well I've had to go through hell being investigated by the police over such a silly allegation, I'm being persecuted'.

I understand you wish you had said something at the time and regret it. But doing something now would achieve nothing except making you look like a bit of a nutter and giving him the patina of a victim.

Kidnapped · 09/10/2016 15:45

Dave Lee Travis?

Dave Lee Travis had 11 different women who made allegations about indecent assault and sexual assault.

They were all lying, I suppose.

And now he's bankrupt they won't even get compensation from him the silly mares.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 09/10/2016 15:45

I too am quite Hmm at the minimisation of this of a lot of posters.

Flirting ? Really come on ...

ovenchips · 09/10/2016 15:47

The minor celeb sounds revolting and I know that unpleasant feeling: experiencing something and needing to be assertive to deal with it at the time, but somehow feeling powerless to deal with it. Then stewing about it afterwards. It's not nice.

I'm not sure what action is appropriate now though. If this is his normal behaviour, he is completely aware of what he's doing and an email sent to him would have zero effect on his behaviour. It will simply put you on his radar. Which given the description of him, is not something you'd want.

CheekyMcgee · 09/10/2016 15:47

Are you referring to CE?

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 09/10/2016 15:49

And his behaviour will not be scrutinised a fraction of how the behaviour of his many victims are scrutinised. The whole "Why didn't she... Well, I would have... I would never..." stuff

Spot on. Just like what's happened to op on this thread. Sad

Kidnapped · 09/10/2016 15:49

BowieFan

Sorry cross-posted with you.

"It's very possible he genuinely misread signals". What signals exactly?

Presumably DLT misread signals also the poor chap?

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 15:58

ToastDemon

Except it's not the same. If this was a crime like Savile, Max Clifford or Rolf Harris, we'd all be supporting OP. As is, it seems like something that could very easily have been sorted out then and there and I think most of us have experienced something similar and just moved on. The factor here is OP's mention of his celebrity.

Lorelei76 · 09/10/2016 15:59

OP
I suppose you're hoping that emailing him will alert him to the fact that you're ready to report and this might stop him doing it to others.

I think that's optimistic, these people have a sense of power and he will maybe just ignore it but could he accuse you of harassing him by email? The evidence will be there for him if you email an accusation. If you email a cryptic comment it might go over his head.

Reporting it seems a better option.

Iggypoppie · 09/10/2016 15:59

This reply has been deleted

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BowieFan · 09/10/2016 16:00

Kidnapped

We don't know the full story but, to me, it seems like wires have been crossed somewhere and the accused has felt like OP was coming onto him. I have had this happen - the bloke got a slap and was told that was not what was happening. He was very embarrassed and apologised profusely.

Like I said, the "celebrity" aspect is what troubles me most. Like OP herself seems to be saying if it was an ordinary bloke she would just leave it, but him being a celebrity makes her think he should be reported.

southeastdweller · 09/10/2016 16:01

Exactly Bowie - I'm quite shocked at the Saville comparisons from the OP and others on this thread.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 16:02

As for the DLT thing. Most of the accusations were disgusting yes, but that was the culture at the time. One of the accusers was doing him for smacking her on the arse in the 1970s. Yes, it's wrong and we know that now, but that was just the done thing at the time. Honestly, if we prosecuted every instinct of sexism from before the 1990s we'd be in court until the end of time.

Goingtobeawesome · 09/10/2016 16:03

No, I'm not implying you're looking for financial gain.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 09/10/2016 16:05

My God - the minimisation in this thread is astounding. So, it's OK for a man to make sexual advantages to a woman uninvited, but it's not OK for OP to take a little while to consider whether to report it Shock wtf.

ViolettaValery · 09/10/2016 16:06

It's tricky (and a nasty experience, can't believe some people here are minimising it and victim-blaming!)

If you feel strongly about it I would consider report to the police non-urgently as an incident. Reason being, if this person is a raving predator and he does something really serious, your incident will be on file, and you can rest easy about having done your bit. If it was a sleazy slip, then obviously horrible for you but it'll never come up again.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 16:09

DailyMailPenisPieces

No-one is minimising this. If there is more to it and it is affecting OP a lot, she should report it. But as she's said she wouldn't report it if it was an ordinary bloke, it makes me think that she knows it was nothing more than an advance that came from misunderstandings or something similar.

Kidnapped · 09/10/2016 16:11

BowieFan

Just as I think you can't get any more victim-blaming and minimising, you really turn up the power.

You've decided that the OP was coming on to him?

And that DLT just did what every bloke in the 70s did and sexually assaulted women and girls. It was the done thing apparently. And it doesn't matter anyway because these were adult women and not children. Even though one was 15.

Okaaaay.

Smidgenpigeon · 09/10/2016 16:12

I used to work in tv and there was a fairly well known tv presenter who had a reputation for making a pest of himself with female colleagues, especially at parties etc if he was pissed.

I remember having to fend him off. I don't think he was dangerous but he was creepy and it was very inappropriate.

He did get reported, it did hit the press and he denied it... Nothing happened, but I like to think the smug, sleazy idiot did sweat for a while.

The guy who hit on you sounds similar and I don't blame you from being upset. I don't think there's much you can do about it, more's the pity...

DailyMailPenisPieces · 09/10/2016 16:14

Bowie 'Like OP herself seems to be saying if it was an ordinary bloke she would just leave it, but him being a celebrity makes her think he should be reported'. Well yes, durr, that's why celebrities have got away with it, because they are celebrities and it puts people in an uncomfortable position - more so than if they weren't.

I'm guessing maybe that's what happened to old Jimmy's dead bodies too - I'm guessing they didn't push him away either Hmm

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 16:16

Did I say it was OK? No. I said it was wrong and DLT shouldn't have done it BUT at the time, there was a culture of that type of thing. My mum worked in a factory and she has said several times that she was subjected to that kind of thing but she gave back as good as she got, slapping them or whatever. It is wrong to apply 2016 attitudes to things from the 70s, you have to admit that.

I never said OP was coming onto him, simply that the alleged person misread whatever OP was doing as her coming onto him. He was wrong to do what he did, but equally OP should have made him aware of that instead of keeping quiet and saying nothing.

Kidnapped · 09/10/2016 16:18

Jimmy got mixed signals from the corpses apparently.

And none of them told him to stop at the time.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 16:18

DailyMailPenisPieces

I don't think this is in any way the same though and this is from someone who is very big on this issue. I think all sexual assaults should be reported and there should be better support and protection on both sides. But that doesn't seem like that to me, it sounds like something different and without OP giving us the full story, we can't know for sure.

Lweji · 09/10/2016 16:18

simply that the alleged person misread whatever OP was doing as her coming onto him. He was wrong to do what he did, but equally OP should have made him aware of that instead of keeping quiet and saying nothing.

Seriously?

He "misread" and kept it all under the table, even though the OP didn't reciprocate?

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 16:20

Kidnapped Well done for making stuff up. I never said that. You do realise we're allowed to have differing opinions, don't you? That I don't have to agree with you on this subject? I'm glad to see there are other posters saying similar to me. This isn't a black and white issue at all.

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