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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL narrating my child's thoughts...

169 replies

CeeCee00 · 09/10/2016 11:22

Guess I should preface this by saying that on the whole my MIL is great and I have a lovely relationship with her and the whole family. However, I have found them a bit challenging since having our first baby.

This week my husband went away for work and she came to stay for a couple of days to spend some time with my dd and give me a hand. I welcomed this and was very grateful. My dd is 9 months and going through a cranky AF stage and screams and wails when you get her dressed, change her nappy etc.. it's no fun, but fine. She does it whoever she's with.

Now my MIL has been doing this 'narrating' thing for a while but this was the first time she and I had been alone with my daughter for that length of time so I guess I noticed it more. She'd be with my DD, playing or whatever and would sometimes talk for her, iyswim... 'I think I'm hungry now mummy' type stuff. Didn't take much notice but she really upped the ante when I'd be doing something my DD didn't enjoy so me changing her nappy would involve her screeching and kicking her legs, me trying to be quick and then my MIL constantly hovering saying things like 'I don't like this mummy' ...'stop messing around with me' ....'oh I don't like being fiddled with'... EVERY TIME all through the day. I found it weird but mainly felt massively criticised and like I was doing it wrong. I gave it some thought and wondered if it was an empathy exercise on my MIL's part. Maybe...but it's not actually what my child is thinking. She might not be enjoying it, but I'm wildly confident that she's not thinking 'stop fiddling with me, mummy' in an adults baby voice!

Anyway, I sucked it up. MIL left yesterday, after she was gone I got really wound up and last night told my husband that he's going to have to speak to his mum and explain that it makes me feel shit and can we find a way to avoid that in the future. I'd like to move on without making a issue of it but the fucking voice has to stop.

He can't stand any confrontation and became really awkward and annoyed with me. He was reluctant to say anything to them, kept talking about how we need to work out what critising his parents would do, would it help in the long run etc... we had a huge fight and I slept in my DDs room.

To avoid drip feeding, there have been a couple of instances in the last 9 months where he's had to speak to his parents: 1 - 'dad, please don't fall asleep on the sofa holding our newborn, it's very dangerous as she might move and suffocate.' 2 - 'please don't take the newborn baby away from CeeCee if she's crying as it's not helpful and stresses my wife out even more.'

They are generally brilliant people but those things had to be said and we moved on fine.

AIBU about this issue?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/10/2016 02:33

YANBU.

Just tell her next time she does it.

"MIL, I know you are trying to help by pretending to give my baby a voice but neither of us knows exactly what she is saying. And I find it very annoying when you try and speak what you think my baby is thinking."

If she gets into a debate about it I might say "You may be right, you may not be right, but I am hearing it in a critical voice and it is very aggravating."

If she persists i would just say "MIL I've tried ignoring your voice pretending to be my baby's thoughts, but it is very hard and you are giving me a headache/whatever. If you have hings to suggest, like why dd is fractious, can we just talk about them in a normal voice."

Of course use your own words. e quite repetitive if it happens many times. The same argument, rinse and repeat.

Good luck, just so you know some people can't help speaking out what is in their heads so it may take her a while to curb this. Honestly I have two friends who finish other people's sentences, it is very annoying but I know they cannot help it!

puglife15 · 10/10/2016 02:39

I sing everything Blush

People saying "you don't need help" can do one.

We're not designed to bring children up in isolation, ffs. I had no help with mine and ended up very close to PND as a result - I was knackered, lonely and lost. She wants to help, whether anyone NEEDS it or not I'd have bitten both her hands off by now.

QueenLizIII · 10/10/2016 02:55

I don't like this mummy' ...'stop messing around with me' ....'oh I don't like being fiddled with'...

What stupid things to say. I dont know a child that doesnt to some extent struggle during nappy changes.

Say to her, I wont fiddle with her then and leave her sitting in a dirty nappy then?

Seriously what the fuck does she expect you to do.

Or even better yet, hand her over to MIL when she is fussy and if she keeps screaming say in a baby voice oh grandma stop messing with me. Turnabout is fair play.

overthehillandroundthemountain · 10/10/2016 03:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 10/10/2016 03:25

Just gag her and lock her in the coal shed. It's the only way.

mathanxiety · 10/10/2016 04:30

How about, 'If you'd like to be helpful, would you go and put the kettle on?' (Or 'Do me a favour and whack yourself on the head with a spade'...)

if I was changing her somewhere and she would cry my MIL would always come in...and she does have a tendency to hover too.
I'm not sure she's doing it in a PA way to criticise you. It strikes me it's more a way of managing her own anxiety at the crying and the fact that she is on the sidelines when you are dealing perfectly well with the baby.

mathanxiety · 10/10/2016 04:37

Also - the man who has just been diagnosed with a long term illness is not just your husband; he's her son.

Maybe she's doing this because things are preying on her mind. It's possible she might not even realise how much she's doing it. And she's just retired - maybe feeling out of the loop, a bit of a fifth wheel, not able to help her son. It could be a nervous tic.

I feel a little sorry for her, though I must confess this would drive me cuckoo.

Bulbasaur · 10/10/2016 04:40

Club soda gets out blood stains. Dab, don't rub.

You're welcome.

MissMargie · 10/10/2016 04:55

Wheeshhhht!! Your making matters worse

Just tell me if you have a problem with this/ with what I'm doing (angry tone of voice)

I wish you wouldn't do that baby voice

I hate when you do that

Don't hover over me please

Just say it in a normal voice if you want to tell me something
Etcetcetc

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 10/10/2016 09:01

I'm amazed at how many people do this, or know someone who does! I'd think they had lost their marbles, and it would drive me mad the first time I heard it.

I'd seriously consider replying by giving her a look, and asking her if she is practising to be a ventriloquist. Then tell he she may as well give up, as you know it's her speaking.

Or humerously say to DD, "Well done DD, I never saw your lips move!" etc.

Ridicule it out of her, that's my advice!

Liiinoo · 10/10/2016 09:27

When my mum is nervous or anxious when travelling (which is always) she reads every sign we pass in a tone of slightly critical surprise. So 'Level Crossing?' Is read out with a raised eyebrow or 'Sale starts tomorrow?' in a tone of dubious wonder. It gives me an irrational red rage but there is no point in commenting as I don't think she even knows she is doing it and pointing it out would just make her even more anxious. I had a rare meet up with my sister last week and she now does the exact same thing. Her and my mum do not get on and have very little contact so it is ironic that she has developed one of Mum's more irritating traits.

I wonder if this is a nervous reflex for your MIL too? Even if it is I would still say something as she is coming across as critical of you rather than unknowing street furniture. That is a habit that needs to gently and tactfully nipped in the bud before it escalates.

MrsRabbitsTwin · 10/10/2016 09:45

My Mum did this. I responded by pointing out I wasn't her mummy. It soon stopped.

ButterMelonCauliflower · 10/10/2016 20:08

This sounds like fairly typical granny behaviour to me. She clearly thinks you're doing it wrong, wants to offer advice but feels she can't, and she's jealous cos she misses having a baby of her own. I had it from both my mum and my MIL and it drove me up the fucking wall. They'd take the newborn from me if it cried, tell me I was feeding too much/too little, on and on and on. I'm now pregnant with my third and it still hasn't let up really. I confronted my mum about it but she just got upset, saying she was trying to help and I was a control freak (maybe a little bit true...!) so in the end I just gave up. The only thing that's changed is my confidence in my own ability, so now I just ignore the silly bitches. You know best for your own child and don't let anyone tell you different

Happymumdays · 10/10/2016 20:38

She's just getting started. You're in for years of hell, hell I tell ye, HELL! Mwahahahahahahaaaaa.

JackLottiesMum · 10/10/2016 21:23

I'm sorry but I think you need to say something yourself! It's your relationship with your m'n'law - you are both adults. Just say to her that you really appreciate her help but the way she is doing that is making you feel upset. I don't get why you think you need to ask your hubby to do it.

MapMyMum · 10/10/2016 21:35

Wow, thats amazing - you can read minds.. you should go on Britains Got Talent, but drop the annoying voice...

HarryPottersMagicWand · 10/10/2016 21:52

I'd throw the shitty nappy that I hadn't done up properly over to the bin, but I'd have such a poor aim it would land on MIL. A few times of doing this and maybe she will piss off and stop hovering.

pamhill64 · 10/10/2016 22:20

Yes it's Really annoying but I'm wondering why you're so upset by it and if there's anything else going on with you? You don't sound like your self confidence is very high at the moment. Are you a bit depressed at all? I know you're cross with your DH right now but for your long term happiness you and he need to be a solid team, having each other's backs and allowing MIL to put you in DDs room isn't the best way forward. That said, for the long term health of your relationship with PIL, it's best you say things immediately to them, in the light hearted way others have suggested in the first instance (but with DH alongside if further/stronger words are necessary) and develop a good relationship with them. It's hard for them too as there's no manual for either parenting or grand-parenting or being an in-law, it's just give and take on all sides and that takes work.

mummyof3kids · 10/10/2016 23:02

Perhaps MIL wants to feel more useful when she visits. My approach would be to ask her to help I.e. "Would you mind changing baby for me while I"..... I found involving those who love and care for your family reaps many benefits. Can she feed baby for you to give you break to do something else or just relax? When I had my 1st DD my (ex)husband's gran stayed to help. She loved it when I asked if she could look after DD for an hour so I could bath or have a nap. An amazing bond was built and I had some precious time to myself.

F2016 · 11/10/2016 02:29

YANBU!! I have experienced this too with MIL and found it really passive aggressive. I was really finding it grating and hurtful so I politely said "I know you mean well to try and lighten the situation but I really don't find it helpful, your making this more stressful than it needs to be"
She apologised as she had no realised that's how it was coming accross.

Fannydoesit · 11/10/2016 07:09

YABVU imo. I get why it would irritate you, but you are a grown woman. Your dh should not be asked to speak to his mother to relate your feelings... How is that different to what she's done with you to make you so vexed? Talk with her when she does it next time, that way you can help her understand exactly how her actions make you feel without it being lost in translation.

Laiste · 11/10/2016 07:26

''I hate to say it , and i don't want to sound horrible, but i'm finding it really annoying when you do the baby talking thing''.

I'd have to say something. I hate confrontation but this would be so irritating and yes, it is a bit of a passive way of being able to having a dig, even if she doesn't even realise it herself.

When you screw up the courage to deal with stuff yourself it makes the next time easier. There's always times you have to stick your neck out and have less than comfortable conversations when you're a parent (schools, HCPs, other parents, other kids,). Practice now :)

girlwithamoonandstaronherhead · 11/10/2016 07:43

Oh this would drive me mad. An aquaintance did this to me once, about 4 years ago, and I still get the rage thinking about it. I'm not usually one for pa responses but I do think it might be the quickest way to stop it without confrontation. So a witty retort in your own baby voice perhaps.

Samkate · 25/10/2016 18:45

What happened at their next visit OP? Did you have to have a word in the end?

Caterina99 · 26/10/2016 01:27

I think I'd rather granny changed my nappy instead. Then you can have some peace mummy