MIL narrating my child's thoughts...

[CeeCee00]

Guess I should preface this by saying that on the whole my MIL is great and I have a lovely relationship with her and the whole family. However, I have found them a bit challenging since having our first baby.

This week my husband went away for work and she came to stay for a couple of days to spend some time with my dd and give me a hand. I welcomed this and was very grateful. My dd is 9 months and going through a cranky AF stage and screams and wails when you get her dressed, change her nappy etc.. it's no fun, but fine. She does it whoever she's with.

Now my MIL has been doing this 'narrating' thing for a while but this was the first time she and I had been alone with my daughter for that length of time so I guess I noticed it more. She'd be with my DD, playing or whatever and would sometimes talk for her, iyswim... 'I think I'm hungry now mummy' type stuff. Didn't take much notice but she really upped the ante when I'd be doing something my DD didn't enjoy so me changing her nappy would involve her screeching and kicking her legs, me trying to be quick and then my MIL constantly hovering saying things like 'I don't like this mummy' ...'stop messing around with me' ....'oh I don't like being fiddled with'... EVERY TIME all through the day. I found it weird but mainly felt massively criticised and like I was doing it wrong. I gave it some thought and wondered if it was an empathy exercise on my MIL's part. Maybe...but it's not actually what my child is thinking. She might not be enjoying it, but I'm wildly confident that she's not thinking 'stop fiddling with me, mummy' in an adults baby voice!

Anyway, I sucked it up. MIL left yesterday, after she was gone I got really wound up and last night told my husband that he's going to have to speak to his mum and explain that it makes me feel shit and can we find a way to avoid that in the future. I'd like to move on without making a issue of it but the fucking voice has to stop.

He can't stand any confrontation and became really awkward and annoyed with me. He was reluctant to say anything to them, kept talking about how we need to work out what critising his parents would do, would it help in the long run etc... we had a huge fight and I slept in my DDs room.

To avoid drip feeding, there have been a couple of instances in the last 9 months where he's had to speak to his parents: 1 - 'dad, please don't fall asleep on the sofa holding our newborn, it's very dangerous as she might move and suffocate.' 2 - 'please don't take the newborn baby away from CeeCee if she's crying as it's not helpful and stresses my wife out even more.'

They are generally brilliant people but those things had to be said and we moved on fine.

AIBU about this issue?

^
Weallhavewings has it

Just act as if she has spoken directly to you
'Oh, you think she is hungry do you? I'll feed her now'
'I'm not messing around with her, I'm getting her dressed'

If she carries on, have the talk with her yourself.

Just answer as if the baby really had spoken.

"I know you hate having your nappy changed darling but if we dion't then you'll get a sore bum. Mummy loves you very much and doesn't want that to happen."

Or (if the task involves a particularly unpleasant nappy)

"I know darling. Mummy is making a right pigs ear of attempting to clean poo from places that I never knew poo could go. Shall we get granny to take over. She is much more experienced than mummy at nappies and mummy can go and eat custard creams put the lunch on."

*I might passively aggressively say "oh isn't granny being silly, I have to change your nappy/get you dressed"

And then kill her.*

I genuinely lolled at that. love it.
Seriously though, I would do this. just don't do the actual killing.
It will probably work if you have a good relationship with her anyway. Hopefully she'll laugh at herself, and no need for any fallings out.

Oh dear. My bold asterisks didn't work.

Only read page 1 so forgive me if I'm repeating other people -

Why is she present for nappy changes? Does she follow you to the changing area? Can she be, er, not present?

If that's not an option I would ask her to do nappy changes.

It does sound annoying but it doesn't sound like you want to confront her, your husband doesn't want to either, so avoidance may be the way forward.

I feel the same way about the FIL falling asleep with her on the sofa. Why is that happening so often that it needs to be pointed out? Do they babysit?

Long pause, hard stare!
If she persists ask "are you talking to me indirectly?"

"I know darling. Mummy is making a right pigs ear of attempting to clean poo from places that I never knew poo could go. Shall we get granny to take over. She is much more experienced than mummy at nappies and mummy can go and eat custard creams put the lunch on."

Best Answer

I agree with those that say that if your husband says something it will become a much bigger deal than it is. There are many situations when it is the partners responsibility to deal with their parents but this isn't one of them. It's a silly behaviour that is irritating you.

Going slightly off topic but I don't think it's helpful anyway if a partner frames a conversation with thir parents as don't do that it upsets xxx. It should be don't do xxx because I don't think it's nice. The first they become a messager and will be interpreted as the difficult dil / sil making a fuss and their poor child is stuck in the middle. The second is a clear message from their child about how they feel. If that makes sense.

If you can't handle it then a remark at the time it's happening would be better. I suppose it depends on how often you have to deal with it? A couple of hours a week would be OK to grin and bear, if long visit's are to be regular then a comment may have to be made.

Crikey that sounds grim. If she can see nappy change is a bit of a fight, maybe you could ask her to do a few of them and give you a break from the flailing limbs and screeching.

Or ignore stupid comment and say, " Comes on sweet pea, lets get this nappy off. Mummy can't leave you sat in shit all day coz social services might take you off us" Or if she starts on the "I'm hungry Mummy" crap, matter of factly say "Yes, I was just going to get her lunch."

Changing DGD's nappy has been a whole exhausting thing since she learned to roll over and then crawl. When I go to stay, I offer to do most of the changing, to give DD & DSIL's backs a break from the poo caked, wriggling, escape artist.

I wonder how much of a help she is being if you're constantly stressed by her and watched over?

Some of this might be that you are feeling frustrated with your dd and her screaming phase so are extra sensitive to any criticism. I think it might be best to put your cards on the table; tell MIL that you feel like she is criticising you when she puts on a voice for her granddaughter. It seems to be all negative comments coming from baby, via her strange baby voice, so of course it will become annoying.
Nip it in the bud and try to keep things as amicable as possible.

I know ops dd is a baby and I know you were being sarcastic but please don't tell children anyone is going to take them away :(

By the next time you see her she may have stopped, but if she hasn't just put on your grown up head and ask her to stop. Rational Adult - do it.

There's no need to make a thing about it by having your dh talk to her on your behalf, just act like an adult next time.

And choose your battles. My dh fell asleep a million times with new-born dd in his arms, so did I. No baby was harmed.

You absolutely need to deal with this yourself. It does not have to be a big confrontation and drama.

Mil : Oh mummy , don't change my nappy, I don't like it.'

You : ' Janet, I'm confused. Are you actually suggesting I should leave DD in a dirty nappy?'

She will say, no no, I'm just being silly. You say that you were beginning to wonder because she probably hasn't noticed but she been doing this a bit lately.

She should stop but if it carries on just do a head tilt each time and tell her she's confusing you again.

She's nice enough to come and help you out so be big enough to deal with it pleasantly. Asking dh to say something is childish and will damage your relationship with PIL if they feel they can't trust you to be honest with them.

changing area do people really have these outside of films? Any bit of floor will do here...

well if nanny thinks she can do better she is welcome to your dirty nappy any time she likes

Is my favourite reply

I do this with babies, but haven't any gc yet
You were right first time OP, it's an empathy thing, certainly not a criticism of you, well it isn't when I do it.
I'm confused as to why your dh has to say something to her when he wasn't even there.
Can you not speak up for yourself at all?
FWIW I know loads of people who do this, some of them are nursery workers, it's quite common.
If it were me, I'd just suck it up and perhaps wait to complain when/ if she does something out of order.
It's just a different way and it's not like it's harming your dd, you are choosing for it to make you feel crap.

YABU. It seems a minor issue in the grand scheme of things, but if it bothers you that much, then you should have a word with your MIL, using phrases suggested by previous posters, not getting your DH to do it. You are an adult; you are more than capable of fighting your own battles. Your DH is a grown up too, entitled to his own opinions, even those that differ from yours. You can't expect him to fight battles on your behalf that he doesn't agree with.

I do think you can't have MIL coming round to help you when DH is away if you can't sort something like this yourself.

I spend an awful lot of time with MIL (DH works away a lot, she is a great help and the kids adore her). It took us a few years to work out what annoys the other, how to deal with things etc. What made things MUCH more difficult are the few times when I had a whinge to DH and without me knowing he told his mum she'd been annoying me. Done with the best of intentions but it just introduces an unnecessary level of awkwardness. You really need to work it out between you if you are going to spend a lot of time together long term.

Unless there are other issues, why was it suggested she move in to help you anyway?

Explain once that you don't like it - she might not have realised how much it winds you up. There have been times (not very often) when I've been genuinely surprised by someone pointing out something I do that isn't liked; and I'm often grateful for having it pointed out, because people often do just seethe silently (and then disappear).

But only do this once. Thereafter, say "I've said before, stop doing it.", every single time. The phrase "I mean it" is a good one.

To be fair I'd do it back with baby and say 'oh dear mummy, nanny has gone round the bend and thinks she knows my thoughts..... personally i think she needs to see the doctor.'

I would ignore her. Doubt it's a dig at you. Of course babies don't always like eg nappy changes but MIL voicing that thought is find. She clearly isn't thinking you should change the nappy so no dig intended.

Don't do any of the sensible things suggested OP. Have a bit of fun with her.

Obviously you need to make sure that you respond to her indirect conversation by replying indirectly. You're going to have to get a ventriloquist's dummy so that you can respond to her via the baby via the dummy.

Mil: Stop messing about with my nappy mum!
Wilfred the haunted dummy: Hey baby, have you shit your pants?!
Mil:

The first time my DD was in the car longer than 5 mins was when she was 4 weeks old. She screamed the whole way back down the motorway- 40 minute drive. There was a mutual friend with me and my friend in the car who was a 19 year old lad. He felt really uncomfortable around the screaming baby and attempted to lighten the mood by narrating her thoughts, all around the rough theme of "mummy why are you doing this to meeeeee" thinking it was breaking the tension. I snapped something akin to "say ONE MORE WORD" and then got cut off by my friend who was aware how close to punching him I was.
Point being maybe it's something similar, rather than being critical maybe she's trying to distract you/give you both something (not!) humerous to be distracted by rather than the crying child you both love.
Despite that, YANBU- it's incredibly irritating as a behaviour.

I agree with those PPs who have said leave your DH out of it. You are an adult not a child who needs someone to speak up for you. MIL and you will be in each other's lives for many years to come so you need to set the tone for your relationship now. Next time she does it say something right away. You have had lots of suggestions here. Pick the firm/jokey/passive aggressive one that suits you best and go for it.