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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL narrating my child's thoughts...

169 replies

CeeCee00 · 09/10/2016 11:22

Guess I should preface this by saying that on the whole my MIL is great and I have a lovely relationship with her and the whole family. However, I have found them a bit challenging since having our first baby.

This week my husband went away for work and she came to stay for a couple of days to spend some time with my dd and give me a hand. I welcomed this and was very grateful. My dd is 9 months and going through a cranky AF stage and screams and wails when you get her dressed, change her nappy etc.. it's no fun, but fine. She does it whoever she's with.

Now my MIL has been doing this 'narrating' thing for a while but this was the first time she and I had been alone with my daughter for that length of time so I guess I noticed it more. She'd be with my DD, playing or whatever and would sometimes talk for her, iyswim... 'I think I'm hungry now mummy' type stuff. Didn't take much notice but she really upped the ante when I'd be doing something my DD didn't enjoy so me changing her nappy would involve her screeching and kicking her legs, me trying to be quick and then my MIL constantly hovering saying things like 'I don't like this mummy' ...'stop messing around with me' ....'oh I don't like being fiddled with'... EVERY TIME all through the day. I found it weird but mainly felt massively criticised and like I was doing it wrong. I gave it some thought and wondered if it was an empathy exercise on my MIL's part. Maybe...but it's not actually what my child is thinking. She might not be enjoying it, but I'm wildly confident that she's not thinking 'stop fiddling with me, mummy' in an adults baby voice!

Anyway, I sucked it up. MIL left yesterday, after she was gone I got really wound up and last night told my husband that he's going to have to speak to his mum and explain that it makes me feel shit and can we find a way to avoid that in the future. I'd like to move on without making a issue of it but the fucking voice has to stop.

He can't stand any confrontation and became really awkward and annoyed with me. He was reluctant to say anything to them, kept talking about how we need to work out what critising his parents would do, would it help in the long run etc... we had a huge fight and I slept in my DDs room.

To avoid drip feeding, there have been a couple of instances in the last 9 months where he's had to speak to his parents: 1 - 'dad, please don't fall asleep on the sofa holding our newborn, it's very dangerous as she might move and suffocate.' 2 - 'please don't take the newborn baby away from CeeCee if she's crying as it's not helpful and stresses my wife out even more.'

They are generally brilliant people but those things had to be said and we moved on fine.

AIBU about this issue?

OP posts:
JanetStWalker · 09/10/2016 13:23

My mum does this to her dog and her baby GD, wonder if SiL gets as irritated? I do hope so, everyone seems to find her fucking saintly since she married the golden child and layed the golden egg. I'd like her a hell of a lot more if there were a few chinks in her perfection...

Sorry, that was no help at all but it did give me pause for thought Blush

Rachel0Greep · 09/10/2016 13:24

Just say politely, do you mind not doing that please? Don't get into discussion about why it is annoying. Halt her as soon as she starts.

justgivemeamo · 09/10/2016 13:32

dont ask for help from her op.

it gives mils like this a yard and they take miles. She sounds spectacularly jealous to me and is trying to form a wedge - baby doesn't like MUMMY fiddling with her!!! I guess the end dialogue is - baby wants granny and only granny!!

Atenco · 09/10/2016 13:36

I really think getting your DH involved in this case is upping the ante. I think you should deal with this next time it happens

QueenLizIII · 09/10/2016 13:38

Dont go through your DH.

Just wait until she is here again. Wait until she does and say in a very firm voice: stop that, it is really annoying, she needs her nappy changed, whatever and that is it.

RollerDiscoQueen · 09/10/2016 13:43

Going through your DH would be a bit babyish.

Cherrysoup · 09/10/2016 13:44

Burn her with fire. I'd find that unbelievably annoying. Why is she hovering over you? And he is she coming to stay when you sound perfectly capable of dealing with your own child yourself? I see you're trying to be nice saying you welcomed her coming to stay and you don't want to start yet another mil bashing thread, but she needs telling or she'll carry on, you'll snap, it won't be pretty.

Don't ask your DH to deal with something when he wasn't even there, that's ridiculous. Speak to her yourself, you're both adults, bum cringing tho it might be for you. You've made a huge fuss with your DH and TBH, I think you could do with apologising to him for letting this get out of hand and causing a row. Poor bloke comes back, you start the nagging wife thing. Nice.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 09/10/2016 13:45

Agree with pp who suggested that asking for 'help' to care for one 9 month old baby is why your mil is behaving like this. She clearly feels you can't cope and unhelpfully is (not so subtly) undermining you.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you need to woman-up and look after your own baby (I know its hard i'm a single parent and have been since day 1) regardless of if your dh is there or not. The more confident and competent you are in doing this - the less the pil will interfere.

I would also have said something to her at the time along the lines of 'speaking like that is not helpful'

QueenLizIII · 09/10/2016 13:47

Can you not take her upstairs and close the door when you change her nappy etc. Surely MIL doesnt follow you around the house.

I'd just constantly tell her to stop it. You're not messing around with her, she needs her bum changed and that is it.

QueenLizIII · 09/10/2016 13:49

Oh I missed the bit about the needing help when DH is away.

What do you when he is at work? Confused You have one baby not 3 DC under 5.

Dont say anything in that case as you kinda brought it on yourself. If she doenst normally spend that much time with you then you wont have to deal with it much again.

tandt5 · 09/10/2016 13:55

My MIL used to say every time she saw LO oh poor baby! Doesn't life treat you bad? Horrible horrible parents beating you (WTF??) Or those awful parents don't love you...
Considering it was PFB this strange manner of speaking wound me up no end.
The only positive was she didn't help with the kids at all. So I pretty much ignored her.
The only time when I actually had to involve my husband when she started to insist on visiting frequently when my husband was away. Not in trying to help or anything useful but actually sitting there killing time and expecting to be entertained.
In your situation i would either ignore but would scale down on 'help'.
I wouldn't ask DH to fight this battle, he wasn't present and might not find it as annoying as it was for you.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/10/2016 13:59

I used to do the narrating thing a bit when my babies were crying during a change. Something like "Oh dear, you don't like this do you? You don't want to put your vest on, blah blah" Just the sound of my voice babbling away seemed to soothe them a bit. Perhaps your mil is just doing what she did with her own children?

You could try talking over her or putting a noisy musical toy on to drown her out? Grin She may not be deliberately trying to undermine you.

Callmegeoff · 09/10/2016 14:04

Oh this has bought back memories, my Mil was so much like this that I read her narrating in a Scottish accent.

I've no useful way to deal with it and living so far I didn't have to put up with it for too long. She stopped as soon as dd1 could talk. I just let it go,

Thinking about it Dh does the same for the dog but he's quite funny and with swear words!

Hissy · 09/10/2016 14:31

Question...

Does being married mean you're not able to tackle issues with other adults yourself?

Why on earth would you not say, MIL, that's really annoying, can we stop it please?

Seriously, this is a total non issue! It is well within normal social interactions.

Feilin · 09/10/2016 14:44

My mother did this to my sil to the point both my brother and my father had to intervene.my mother then fell out with my sil for a few months but it did temper the behaviour.

BerylStreep · 09/10/2016 14:54

I agree with Mrs DeVere, getting your MIL to come round and help reinforces the idea that you are not capable.

I also think you have somehow ended up with a relationship with your MIL in which neither of you are happy addressing things directly. Your MIL deals with it by PA narrating, you deal with it by asking your DH to do all the meaningful communication.

Do you think your MIL may feel that she can't say anything to you directly because she thinks she will be criticised, or that this is the only way she can make her views known?

I do think it would be really bloody annoying to have this all the time, but I think you have an opportunity to be a bigger person and address it head on with her. I wouldn't suggest a PA comeback, because that just escalates. A simple 'please could I ask you not to do that? Can we just communicate with each other like adults?' should do the trick.

I do think it would be worthwhile to reflect on how you have got to this place with your MIL, and what you can do to move away from it, because it can't be healthy for either of you.

popcornpaws · 09/10/2016 14:57

Why can't you speak to your MIL?

Atenco · 09/10/2016 15:05

My MIL used to say every time she saw LO oh poor baby! Doesn't life treat you bad? Horrible horrible parents beating you (WTF??) Or those awful parents don't love you

My MIL did this, I found it sweet actually.

Longtalljosie · 09/10/2016 15:18

And choose your battles. My dh fell asleep a million times with new-born dd in his arms, so did I. No baby was harmed.

That is a battle that you choose. Falling asleep with a baby on the sofa is incredibly dangerous.

OP - have you considered tactical sighing?

Lutrine · 09/10/2016 15:36

This sounds so annoying! A relative of mine used to talk to me via the baby, for example: "aw, does mummy need to change you?", "have mummy's sisters been to see you?" "Does mummy take to you lots of nice groups?" "Do you think mummy would make me another cuppa?" etc. It stopped gradually when I stopped answering if the question was directed at the baby, and DS is capable of answering for himself nowadays!

Optimist3 · 09/10/2016 15:48

My mother in law does this constantly with her dogs. The dogs are very central in her life and she's a lady whose typically ASD. She has very little interest in my life and I guess it creates conversation about something she's interested in. I was quite embarassed initially but now I occasionally do it myself for a laugh.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 09/10/2016 15:52

MIL and DM did this. Once. Luckily, DW and I both possess Evil Scary Bastard/Witch faces.

Weetabixandtoast · 09/10/2016 15:54

She's being passive agressive when she does that and sounds like your husband has inherited it too. He needs to have a word with her and/or you need to play her at her own game l

Weetabixandtoast · 09/10/2016 15:55

And def agree falling asleep on a sofa with a baby is incredibly dangerous

Gottagetmoving · 09/10/2016 16:01

You are being a bit of a baby expecting your dh to have a word with his mother.
If it annoyed you then you should have said something to the woman. If he tackles her on your behalf it makes you look a bit sad.
Just tell her you can see when your baby is upset so she doesn't have to point it out or tell you when your baby is hungry.