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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL narrating my child's thoughts...

169 replies

CeeCee00 · 09/10/2016 11:22

Guess I should preface this by saying that on the whole my MIL is great and I have a lovely relationship with her and the whole family. However, I have found them a bit challenging since having our first baby.

This week my husband went away for work and she came to stay for a couple of days to spend some time with my dd and give me a hand. I welcomed this and was very grateful. My dd is 9 months and going through a cranky AF stage and screams and wails when you get her dressed, change her nappy etc.. it's no fun, but fine. She does it whoever she's with.

Now my MIL has been doing this 'narrating' thing for a while but this was the first time she and I had been alone with my daughter for that length of time so I guess I noticed it more. She'd be with my DD, playing or whatever and would sometimes talk for her, iyswim... 'I think I'm hungry now mummy' type stuff. Didn't take much notice but she really upped the ante when I'd be doing something my DD didn't enjoy so me changing her nappy would involve her screeching and kicking her legs, me trying to be quick and then my MIL constantly hovering saying things like 'I don't like this mummy' ...'stop messing around with me' ....'oh I don't like being fiddled with'... EVERY TIME all through the day. I found it weird but mainly felt massively criticised and like I was doing it wrong. I gave it some thought and wondered if it was an empathy exercise on my MIL's part. Maybe...but it's not actually what my child is thinking. She might not be enjoying it, but I'm wildly confident that she's not thinking 'stop fiddling with me, mummy' in an adults baby voice!

Anyway, I sucked it up. MIL left yesterday, after she was gone I got really wound up and last night told my husband that he's going to have to speak to his mum and explain that it makes me feel shit and can we find a way to avoid that in the future. I'd like to move on without making a issue of it but the fucking voice has to stop.

He can't stand any confrontation and became really awkward and annoyed with me. He was reluctant to say anything to them, kept talking about how we need to work out what critising his parents would do, would it help in the long run etc... we had a huge fight and I slept in my DDs room.

To avoid drip feeding, there have been a couple of instances in the last 9 months where he's had to speak to his parents: 1 - 'dad, please don't fall asleep on the sofa holding our newborn, it's very dangerous as she might move and suffocate.' 2 - 'please don't take the newborn baby away from CeeCee if she's crying as it's not helpful and stresses my wife out even more.'

They are generally brilliant people but those things had to be said and we moved on fine.

AIBU about this issue?

OP posts:

BlueFolly · 09/10/2016 11:52

I would just turn to her and say 'that's really not helpful' in a very controlled but unmistakably SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP YOU FUCKING BITCH sort of a voice.

NataliaOsipova · 09/10/2016 11:52

So many men are confrontation avoiders, aren't they? Would drive me mad, too. Problem is, with something like this, if you get your DH to tell her, it makes it into a much bigger thing than it is....and potentially makes your MIL feel upset and nervous and wondering what you've been saying behind her back...Address it directly with her the next time she does it. You don't have to be aggressive or rude . You can either just say, gently - "Oh MIL, I love you dearly but please don't do this as I really don't like it" or, as a pp said do the "Why is Granny talking in a silly voice?" thing. But do it yourself, kindly but directly.

abbsismyhero · 09/10/2016 11:53

dds nan tried this my reply was well if nanny thinks she can do better she is welcome to your dirty nappy any time she likes

she stopped

RollerDiscoQueen · 09/10/2016 11:54

'Put your own baby voice on and say "mummy why is granny talking like a baby?"

That's what I'd do. Quick non awkward way of handling it. She'd have to be completely dense not to get the message.

ShteakandShpuds · 09/10/2016 11:54

Sorry, but are you the baby in this scenario?
Why is it so difficult for you to have a reasonable conversation with another adult?

Bonkers!

SweetGrapes · 09/10/2016 11:55

You need to say something yourself.
Personally I like "Don't talk like that, she's going to grow up thinking you're daft" from helpimitchy!!

Tarttlet · 09/10/2016 11:55

You need to say something when she's actually doing it - I don't see why you have to use your DH to get the message across...

PeachBellini123 · 09/10/2016 11:56

That sounds utterly bizarre. I agree just tell her to stop. Unfortunately my DH is the same with his parents. He would never say anything to them if I was upset about their behaviour (which I have been in the past). It's very difficult.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/10/2016 11:58

I think at some point when she does that, I'd sit back look her in the eye and ask 'you what?' Force her to repeat what she has just said. Then explain to her like she's an idiot why it is necessary to change a dirty nappy, end it with, you now understand why this is a necessity right?

Treat her like the moron she's being.

ceeveebee · 09/10/2016 11:59

If your DH was to say something now it turns an annoying habit into a really big deal and makes you seem really ungrateful. This kind of minor irritant needs dealing with at the time or not at all. You or he need to say something when it is happening, not days later

ChuckBiscuits · 09/10/2016 12:02

in squeaky baby voice: 'Mummy why is Granny talking in the first person pretending to be me? Does she not know I don't understand the concept of an unreliable narrator yet?'

paxillin · 09/10/2016 12:03

If she does it to your DH, he'll have to speak up unless it doesn't annoy him.

If she does it with you, you'll have to speak up. Keep it friendly. "MIL, I get quite stressed when DD is screaming. You pretending to be her makes it harder to figure out what she wants"

FrayedHem · 09/10/2016 12:04

I've had this from my mother and MIL at times and I agree to dealing with it at the time it is done. Both of them were a little surprised and I had mutterings of "it was just a joke" but that was worth not having to listen to it anymore.

I remember my mother making up a little rhyme when we were really struggling with DS2, who had at that point had undiagnosed reflux and was very unsettled. It went
"It's a terrible shame what they're doing to this we'an" and she sang it repeatedly until I asked her what she thought we were doing wrong.

Roseformeplease · 09/10/2016 12:06

This would only happen once with MiL before I buried her under the patio.

It sounds like you need a space under the rose bushes for DH too.

Why don't you do them same to him when he has DD?

Zucker · 09/10/2016 12:09

"Ha ha ha isn't Nana a silly billy" say this every fucking time she does this. Although to be honest I'd start to restrict the time I was around her. Sounds like you don't need or want her "help".

WeAllHaveWings · 09/10/2016 12:09

I think most babies go through the hysterics at nappy changing phase, ds did.

I'd be direct with her next time and just say to her, its a phase its normal, but stressful especially with an audience heckling you. Please stop it.

I think "I'm hungry..." wouldn't bother me so much, I'd just reply as if she'd said "Do you think she's hungry?" directly to me.

This is one for you, or your dh if he is present, to tackle head on when its happening. Telling tales and asking your dh to deal with it after the fact isn't fair on him or your MIL. Id be mortified if dh had to go to my MIL and say - Wings is still very upset because you said something pretty minor 3 days ago, I know you probably cant remember saying it and you didn't mean to cause offence but can you not say that again please.

MrsDeVere · 09/10/2016 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sandragreen · 09/10/2016 12:12

I also think if you get DH to deal with it, it turns it into a bigger deal than it has to be.

Why can't you just tell her to stop - "Cut it out Linda." should do the trick?

catkind · 09/10/2016 12:12

I think getting your DH to do it would make it into a bigger issue than it is. Next time she does it just give her a smile and say "actually could you stop doing that, nappy changes are bad enough". Or could you redirect and ask her to sing a song or find a toy to distract DD? Or just don't invite her to watch nappy changes, I used to do all sorts of daftness to distract them and would feel self conscious even if the spectator wasn't being annoying.

Martha75 · 09/10/2016 12:13

sorry, but this thread has me rofl

It's between you and her, not your DH, do you always deal with things through him or can you deal with it nicely yourself?
She sounds a very empathetic person, too much so, so she could even empathise with you if you explain .....
Do you have issues with confidence because DD cries and you think MIL is criticising?

Don't!!

Better than my MIL who would have said 'stop crying, you silly girl, behave for mummy'.

KC225 · 09/10/2016 12:14

My mum used to do this with her cranky Yorkshire terrier and that used to annoy me. I would eye twitching and foaming at the mouth if she did it to the baby.

Martha75 · 09/10/2016 12:14

My MIL used to hover round me in the kitchen when I was serving up dinner and comment, always a dangerous thing to do when I had a carving knife in my hand

Martha75 · 09/10/2016 12:15

ps I used to tell her to go and pour herself a sherry and a drink for me too, then take herself off to enjoy it in another room.

OlennasWimple · 09/10/2016 12:17

I agree with pp - this is something that needs to be addressed when it happens, not days (weeks?) after the event. Otherwise you will look like the bat shit crazy one.

And woman up about talking to MIL yourself! I get with your other examples of when DH has spoken to them it has been better coming from him, but this stuff? It's annoying, not life threatening, and is nothing to do with DH

TurnipCake · 09/10/2016 12:19

Fight the bullshit passive-aggressive fire with napalm...

"Mummy is this a sign of early-onset dementia?"

Then swish your hair and walk off like a badass

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