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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL narrating my child's thoughts...

169 replies

CeeCee00 · 09/10/2016 11:22

Guess I should preface this by saying that on the whole my MIL is great and I have a lovely relationship with her and the whole family. However, I have found them a bit challenging since having our first baby.

This week my husband went away for work and she came to stay for a couple of days to spend some time with my dd and give me a hand. I welcomed this and was very grateful. My dd is 9 months and going through a cranky AF stage and screams and wails when you get her dressed, change her nappy etc.. it's no fun, but fine. She does it whoever she's with.

Now my MIL has been doing this 'narrating' thing for a while but this was the first time she and I had been alone with my daughter for that length of time so I guess I noticed it more. She'd be with my DD, playing or whatever and would sometimes talk for her, iyswim... 'I think I'm hungry now mummy' type stuff. Didn't take much notice but she really upped the ante when I'd be doing something my DD didn't enjoy so me changing her nappy would involve her screeching and kicking her legs, me trying to be quick and then my MIL constantly hovering saying things like 'I don't like this mummy' ...'stop messing around with me' ....'oh I don't like being fiddled with'... EVERY TIME all through the day. I found it weird but mainly felt massively criticised and like I was doing it wrong. I gave it some thought and wondered if it was an empathy exercise on my MIL's part. Maybe...but it's not actually what my child is thinking. She might not be enjoying it, but I'm wildly confident that she's not thinking 'stop fiddling with me, mummy' in an adults baby voice!

Anyway, I sucked it up. MIL left yesterday, after she was gone I got really wound up and last night told my husband that he's going to have to speak to his mum and explain that it makes me feel shit and can we find a way to avoid that in the future. I'd like to move on without making a issue of it but the fucking voice has to stop.

He can't stand any confrontation and became really awkward and annoyed with me. He was reluctant to say anything to them, kept talking about how we need to work out what critising his parents would do, would it help in the long run etc... we had a huge fight and I slept in my DDs room.

To avoid drip feeding, there have been a couple of instances in the last 9 months where he's had to speak to his parents: 1 - 'dad, please don't fall asleep on the sofa holding our newborn, it's very dangerous as she might move and suffocate.' 2 - 'please don't take the newborn baby away from CeeCee if she's crying as it's not helpful and stresses my wife out even more.'

They are generally brilliant people but those things had to be said and we moved on fine.

AIBU about this issue?

OP posts:
paxillin · 09/10/2016 16:04

I think dh speaking on your behalf is a bit like MIL speaking on baby's behalf. Except you could do it yourself and baby couldn't.

I would not actually say anything, it'll only be possible until baby is 2, and you do want her help.

Batteriesallgone · 09/10/2016 16:20

I think it's harsh people saying you shouldn't need help Hmm

Obviously you are perfectly capable but it's nice to get help and it's nice for the baby to spend time with other family members. MIL and I worked hard at our relationship because we both want what's best for the kids and another loving adult involved in their lives is a clear positive.

Also I have found having MIL around makes me less intense about the little things which in turn helps me with handing over childcare to DH when he's home (he works away a lot). I imagine if it was just me doing 80% of the childcare I'd be entrenched I very specific routines and would struggle to leave him to it.

OP's situation may be different but I really don't think slight annoyance with MIL should mean reducing contact.

Original poster
CeeCee00 · 09/10/2016 17:17

Fair play MN. I can see that I was probably being a bit pathetic wanting my husband to say something in my behalf...in my defence I had turned the situation around in my head and had thought to myself that if my mum did a similar thing I'd have a quiet word. But I can woman up and do it for myself - think I'll have to if it carries on as it drives me fucking insane. The hungry thing less so, but we live in a smallish 2 bedroom flat so if I was changing her somewhere and she would cry my MIL would always come in...and she does have a tendency to hover too.

I didn't need her help whilst my husband was away, but I am shattered atm, my DD is a pretty shit sleeper and my MIL is recently retired and is often asking if she can come for a few days to spend time with her so I thought it might work for everyone.

MrsDeVeres you might have a point. In all honesty, I am struggling a bit, my husband was recently diagnosed with a long term illness and having a baby is tough. I haven't really thought about the image that I/we're projecting and day to day we're mostly alright. Will work on putting that out there...

That voice is still VFU though!

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 09/10/2016 17:21

Tbh I'm kind of with your dh. Why do you need him to speak for you? Just ask your mil yourself. If she ignores you, ok then get your dh to stand by you. But otherwise, it's you who is getting annoyed, just deal with it like you would with anyone else.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/10/2016 17:24

If your mil has a tendency to hover about, it might help to ask her to help with certain tasks, eg It would really help if you could wash up while I feed baby, or ask her to look after the baby while you're upstairs doing housework or even go out and leave them for half an hour.

I think you could utilise her help better and she would feel less need to hover about putting on "The Voice" Grin

Good luck.

paxillin · 09/10/2016 17:34

That voice is still VFU though! Grin Very fucking annoying, too, I imagine. But maybe a relatively small price to pay for an extra hour of sleep here and there. If I remember this right, I would have listened to MIL yodeling backwards if it had bought me some sleep with a non sleeping baby.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/10/2016 17:51

Oh god I do this with the cat. He's usually telling me to fuck off too.

MrsDeVere · 09/10/2016 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 09/10/2016 18:22

We are guilty of narrating the baby. However, in my defence he's narrated as a cross between Stewie from family guy and any random, very posh, evil genius you care to name. It suits him somehow...

I suggest you narrate your baby out loud in some outlandish persona. Perhaps channel napoleon? "Change my nappy will you, wench? I shall pee upon you in my wrath!" Etc.

Seriously though, gently rebuff this each time it happens. Project an air of capability.

People being a bit harsh about you wanting help - I only have one so far but he's a handful and after several months of being woken every twenty minutes I was on my knees... if you generally like your mil I'd rebuff gently with humour, each time it happens, "I find myself narrating in the third person too, mil. It's strange how crazy babies make you, eh?'

Littleredhouse · 09/10/2016 18:34

My mil does that. It drives me mad. And she also does the thing of asking questions directly to the baby as if he's going to answer, eg. 'And how many teeth have you got now then?' And will repeat over and over 😠.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/10/2016 18:35

I think Stewie from Family Guy is hilarious but I'm not sure Op's MIL will get that sort of dark humour.. Grin He's a complete psycho, albeit a very funny one. Worth a try I suppose, if nothing else she'll be really freaked out and might go quiet.

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 09/10/2016 19:53

And how many teeth have you got now then?' And will repeat over and over

See, in our house that'd be met with a Hammer Horror style baby narration reply of 'alllll the better to eeeat you with!' .... then maniacal cackling.

We used to narrate the dear departed cat too. He was basically Rab C Nesbitt. (21lb of ginger aggression, he was an absolute bastard.)

Humour with just a tiny glint of aggressive madness maybe needed here OP ;)

franincisco · 09/10/2016 20:03

I've just realized that I did this with mine, I now do it with my cat and I did it recently with a friend who was struggling to get her baby ds's shoes on Blush

No idea why I do/did it, but certainly not PA, jealous, controlling as some PP's have suggested Hmm

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 09/10/2016 20:22

It depends what you're saying - if it's adding humour to the situation (excuse me father, I've soiled myself- kindly stop playing WoW and attend to my nether regions...) then it's fine. A constant simpering passive aggressive narrative is a different kettle of fish.

JanetStWalker · 09/10/2016 20:23

I do it with my dog, he doesn't seem to mind to be honest.

littlefrenchonion · 09/10/2016 20:28

MIL tried this when I was pregnant by leaning down to my bump and saying "oh mummy, I don't think you should be feeding me coca cola, nanna says her grandchild should not have things like that!". I was cranky and pregnant (and this was the first time I'd drank it in 6 months) and replied "Oh, nanna, I think you need to be careful, don't forget who will be choosing your care home one day!" Grin

Funnily enough she never did it again!

DeadGood · 09/10/2016 20:34

"Today 17:24 ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

If your mil has a tendency to hover about, it might help to ask her to help with certain tasks, eg It would really help if you could wash up while I feed baby, or ask her to look after the baby while you're upstairs doing housework or even go out and leave them for half an hour.

I think you could utilise her help better and she would feel less need to hover about putting on "The Voice""

Agree with this, good luck OP. Sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 09/10/2016 20:34

Ha ha littlefrenchonion Grin

WinchesterWoman · 09/10/2016 22:01

I had it when mine were older too. 'Does mummy think our drink is too close to the edge of the table?'

'Are you talking to me? Sorry is that meant for me? Do you think his drink is too close to the edge of the table? Do you want to move it? You can move it if you like. Go ahead and move it, I don't mind. Just ask me, you know it's fine if you want to move his drink. Where do you want it? Is here alright? Is it going to be alright there?'

Sadly I only managed temporary halts on this MIL phenomenon. She was indefatigable.

Original poster
CeeCee00 · 09/10/2016 22:13

Hahaha Winchester....that's truly great.

Both of my in laws are coming to visit again this weekend as they're just about to go away for 6 weeks and want to see DD. I've informed my husband that I'll strap on a pair of big girl pants and politely tell his mother to shove it if it gets too bad. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
CeeCee00 · 09/10/2016 22:14

Also, thanks DeadGood

OP posts:
Memoires · 09/10/2016 23:22

GrinGrin Winchester

Amethyst81 · 09/10/2016 23:32

I do this with my parents dog, she always looks very unimpressed, since reading this thread I now realise why, its obviously annoying to her and everyone else Blush

missm0use · 09/10/2016 23:38

Do we have the same MIL? Honestly drives me fucking nuts and makes me feel exactly the same! Although my MIL has annoying annoying habit which is if I leave the room - go to the toilet or put the kettle on MIL starts up with "Don't worry - your mummy won't be long" / "mummy's just coming" as soon as I leave the room. And keeps saying it until I come back in the room and says it in the most anxious voice possible which leads to DD who hadn't actually noticed I'd left the room getting worked up and crying for me and then crawling after me!

No advice on how to stop this one as still trying to work out a method for myself but do find that giving her the finger behind her back or when she leaves the room while utterly childish is very satisfying! Wink Xx

RelationshipAdvicePlease · 10/10/2016 02:22

Well mine used to constantly sing everything. "Mummy's going to ch ch ch change your naaaaapppeee".

"Where's the bear, huh, there's the bear". "Where are your little weeny baby teeny sheeny fleeny socks?"

Some days she would barely speak, everything was sung.

I did kill her though so all is now peaceful.