Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with DD, her friends, their parents

155 replies

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 09/10/2016 10:04

So last night DD, 15, went to a party at her best friend's house. They live locally, I trust the parents, there is no issue re the party.

When these events occur, the parents of 3 other girls and I take turns picking up DCs at the end (usually around midnight). I get a little fed up about it as I do more than my fair share, but I don't really mind as long as I know DD is safe.

I've been unwell recently and doc has not signed me off to drive yet, so I'm not covered by insurance and am actually not fit to drive in an emergency stop situation. In addition to that we have younger DCs (11, 3 & 3) and DH was working nightshift. In a nutshell, I couldn't do the pick up. I've done the last two so was sure one of the other parents would step in.

So despite DD asking friends, and me pestering her with text messages to find out the situation, there was no offer of a lift home. The other girls didn't know how they were getting home (I assume they just expected me to come anyway, despite being told it would be impossible).

To be honest, DD is notoriously bad for this type of organisation and, although she tells me she fully explained the situation to them, there is a chance she didn't explain it well enough (or at all !)

In the end, I had no choice but to leave my little kids home alone (for around 7 minutes) and drive (completely illegally) to collect her, only finding out when I got there that one of the other parents were picking up the other girls (this had only been arranged very late when it became clear I wouldn't be doing it).

I am furious to be put in that position and so relieved that everything turned out ok re the kids at home and driving. I feel sick thinking about what could have happened, but it was a case of 'the lesser evil'. I always make sure DD has an exit plan at these things (usually me collecting her) and always feel a responsibility to keep her friends safe too. I'm so disappointed that they nor their parents were prepared to help me out when I really need it.

WIBU to say I'll never give these girls a lift again? It would probably affect her friendship with them and definitely affect my 'relationship' with their parents. Or do I just suck it up?

OP posts:
diddl · 09/10/2016 16:35

But there's no need to always do the collections.

You can carry on taking turns, just make sure that it's set in stone first!

Surely your husband takes a turn as well?

snakesalive · 09/10/2016 16:38

I've been in yr shoes...I had a huge bust up with daughter..while in the car..I stopped the car after dropping the last one homeAGAIN.and said I'm not a bloody taxi driver.and I'm not doing this again.que huge row....and she didn't ask for quite some time after

StStrattersOfMN · 09/10/2016 16:44

No way would one of mine walk home at midnight. I wouldn't, DH would always pick me up, and I wouldn't be happy with either of the DDs doing it. Taxis, we chose to live very rurally, taxis are v hit and miss here. It also means walking is not generally an option. It boils down to us not considering it worth the risk, and preferring to turn out at all hours to safely bring them home.

I was in the minority on a 'what age to you leave them home alone' thread too. I genuinely don't care, the DDs are safe, happy, and don't seem to have come to any harm by my protectiveness.

StStrattersOfMN · 09/10/2016 16:46

Oh and it's not one way, they would do anything for me, a late night lift meant my car got washed, and DD2 volunteered to become my carer, and is finishing her studies online.

snakesalive · 09/10/2016 17:11

Although....none of the lifts were late at night...I'd never refuse that..

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 09/10/2016 17:17

I think taxis are vulnerable- in effect it is putting a minor with an adult without any checks. I thought most taxis didn't like being put in that position?

Beebeeeight · 09/10/2016 18:09

I was walking home alone 30-40 mins after midnight at 17. I don't see how 15 is so very different.

She is more likely to be attacked at a party.

bumsexatthebingo · 09/10/2016 19:14

You let your dd go to a late party with no idea how she would get back. Then you left 2 3yos home alone to go and collect a teenager rather than call her a cab.
I don't think you have anyone to be angry with but yourself. It's irritating if other parents don't reciprocate lifts but ultimately your children are your responsibility.

myownprivateidaho · 09/10/2016 19:28

Have you actually spoken to the other parents about lift-sharing? Perhaps they send their DDs with money for a taxi then the DDs take advantage of a lift when one shows up? It's up to your DD to make sure she has a way to get home, I think your anger at the other parents is misdirected.

Meadows76 · 09/10/2016 20:17

I think taxis are vulnerable- in effect it is putting a minor with an adult without any checks. I thought most taxis didn't like being put in that position? I don't know what part of the world you live in but here in the UK taxi drivers are subject to various checks in order to gain their license. What position exactly does this put the taxi driver in? Driving a 15yo home and being paid? It's REALLY FUCKING COMMON for teens to get taxis. Stop over reacting.

Itchyclit · 09/10/2016 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Coconutty · 09/10/2016 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 09/10/2016 20:28

Jesus op.

You drove, against your drs order, uninsured, and left 2 3 year olds unattended at midnight?

Beltin parenting skills there.

But hey ho...precious eldest got home ok.

How about telling her no way home equals no party next time?

Coconutty · 09/10/2016 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 09/10/2016 20:38

Itchy - what an unpleasant comment, as if Social Services would be at all interested in someone leaving a couple of children for a few minutes.

OP - you have my sympathies, it is difficult to deal appropriately with teenagers at this stage in their lives, it's not like arranging playdates for younger children when it is totally acceptable to phone the parents & confirm arrangements.

I had a vaguely similar situation last night, one minute my DS said he was at an sleepover, then he called me I had gone to bed and said he really wanted to come home - yes, he could have walked home, it would have taken him 20 minutes but I wanted to do the kind thing, to make sure he was safe and let him know that it's OK to change his mind so I did go and pick him up.

greenfolder · 09/10/2016 20:43

Sounds like my various dds over a long period of time. It's a tricky age and a tricky line.
Get others numbers directly and arrange lifts with the parents. Ring a taxi if needs be.

19lottie82 · 09/10/2016 20:58

TBH I think the only person you should be peed off with is your DD, you said in your OP that you're not sure she communicated the situation very well, or even at all! As others have pointed out, she's 15, not a baby, so she had a responsibility to put actions in place to ensue she could get home after the party.

Penhacked · 09/10/2016 21:29

People love slating others on aibu. It should be renamed 'I want a kicking'. Telling you you should have arranged it in stone before. Well yes, hindsight is a beautiful thing, but these things happen because we don't all have a crystal ball and things do fuck up in the real world.
I think I'd have been tempted to phone back your dd and ask to speak to party host's parents to see if they could drop her back or keep her for that night. However when you just want dd back and go to bed. I can see why a 4 mind car journey was tempting too.
The other parents have definitely let you down here but it could work in future, I would definitely get their numbers and do a group WhatsApp. A lot quicker and less ambiguous!

chaplin1409 · 09/10/2016 21:34

I have a 15 year old and luckily she is nit into party's and would not be out that late but she does go to events and it's always organised before how she will be getting home if not she would not be able to go. Maybe say she can't go unless it's organised and confirmed before hand.

Penhacked · 09/10/2016 21:38

By the way I am another person who doesn't trust taxis. 126 licenced cab drivers in London this year have been done for violent or sexual offences. Not sure why ensuring your young dd is in a car alone with an unknown bloke is safer than on a street alone.

FleurThomas · 09/10/2016 21:41

Your daughter, in my opinion, should have lost her right to go out after dark the first time she did something like this. 15 is still a child, and if they're being a danger to themselves, you still need to get tough.

Hulababy · 09/10/2016 22:01

We are very local to Rotherham. We know that not all taxi drivers are reputable and checked properly. DD won't be going in a taxi on her own at night at this age.

And there is no way I'd have Dd walking home alone at near on midnight either. She's currently 14y. I won't be allowing her to do so in a years time either. We live in a fairly safe area but I still don't want DD walking around on her own after dark. I'd far rather go and get her every single time if I need to.

Hulababy · 09/10/2016 22:02

However - if I can incapacitated and couldn't go out, nor DH... then unless I knew exactly who was giving her a lift home and at what time, she wouldn't be going in the first place.

AvaCrowder · 09/10/2016 22:15

I'm not sure about the fear of walking after dark. My children will be walking home from school in the dark next month. Dark isn't scary.

Violence and abuse are scary. Dangerous drivers are scary. Walking is not scary.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 09/10/2016 22:16

How much would a taxi journey of less than 5 minutes cost?
£10?