Annoyed with DD, her friends, their parents

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

So last night DD, 15, went to a party at her best friend's house. They live locally, I trust the parents, there is no issue re the party.

When these events occur, the parents of 3 other girls and I take turns picking up DCs at the end (usually around midnight). I get a little fed up about it as I do more than my fair share, but I don't really mind as long as I know DD is safe.

I've been unwell recently and doc has not signed me off to drive yet, so I'm not covered by insurance and am actually not fit to drive in an emergency stop situation. In addition to that we have younger DCs (11, 3 & 3) and DH was working nightshift. In a nutshell, I couldn't do the pick up. I've done the last two so was sure one of the other parents would step in.

So despite DD asking friends, and me pestering her with text messages to find out the situation, there was no offer of a lift home. The other girls didn't know how they were getting home (I assume they just expected me to come anyway, despite being told it would be impossible).

To be honest, DD is notoriously bad for this type of organisation and, although she tells me she fully explained the situation to them, there is a chance she didn't explain it well enough (or at all !)

In the end, I had no choice but to leave my little kids home alone (for around 7 minutes) and drive (completely illegally) to collect her, only finding out when I got there that one of the other parents were picking up the other girls (this had only been arranged very late when it became clear I wouldn't be doing it).

I am furious to be put in that position and so relieved that everything turned out ok re the kids at home and driving. I feel sick thinking about what could have happened, but it was a case of 'the lesser evil'. I always make sure DD has an exit plan at these things (usually me collecting her) and always feel a responsibility to keep her friends safe too. I'm so disappointed that they nor their parents were prepared to help me out when I really need it.

WIBU to say I'll never give these girls a lift again? It would probably affect her friendship with them and definitely affect my 'relationship' with their parents. Or do I just suck it up?

[LineyReborn]

If your DD had phoned you at 11.45 when she knew another parent was going to do the pickup, you wouldn't have had to leave the house at all.

[Meadows76]

By the way I am another person who doesn't trust taxis. 126 licenced cab drivers in London this year have been done for violent or sexual offences. Not sure why ensuring your young dd is in a car alone with an unknown bloke is safer than on a street alone.. Not sure if you are aware but women have been known to drive taxis too. It's quite remarkable really.

[AnthonyPandy]

So the parent who turned up at 11.45, was he/she going to give your daughter a lift home? Or just leave her there by herself? Is she was going to be left by herself, I am sorry but that would be the end of the lifts for me. Just take/bring home your daughter and leave the others to sort themselves out.

[5BlueHydrangea]

Those of you saying she left 2 3yo's home alone, there was an 11 yo there too. Still not ideal but far from the same as just leaving the little ones!

[StStrattersOfMN]

Yes women drive taxis too, but when you get a cab late at night you accept the one that's available. The stats are relevant, and why my two don't get taxis.

[kali110]

Think you know yabu now.
You shouldn't be angry at the other parents, it's not their fault.
It's your dd fault for not organising a lift home. At 15 she is old enough to do that.
Iwas not allowed to go to parties but I did see a lot of bands play.
i had to have organised how i was going to get there and back first though and not just rely on my parents for lifts.
Not a chance would my parents have let me walk home at that time of night though.
Whenever i took a cab i always rang them up so they knew i was on my way.
You know you were massively selfish for driving, not only by endangering your life but others.
Your dd needs to have a back up for emergencies.
Taxi number, money in wallet for emergencies?

[insancerre]

Our local taxi company texts when the taxi has arrived with the name of the driver and the registration of the car.
Its not the same as just getting into a random car

[HexBramble]

No concrete plans for lift home then no going out.

[Ragwort]

Not everywhere has taxis available that you can just ring up on the night, I think some of you think we all live in big cities/towns with endless taxis available.

Where I live it is common practice to have to book a taxi a week in advance .

[corythatwas]

I think the moral of this story is that we should only allow our teens to go to parties when we have talked through contingencies with them and feel assured that they have a plan to deal with all sorts of different circumstances that might arise. By this age, we are increasingly looking at "grown-up parties", with limited adult supervision, so the discussion needs to include alcohol, drugs and sexually charged situations. It's helpful to talk through a few scenarios, like "what do I do if a friend has too much to drink and passes out?"

For those that worry about taxi drivers- you do realise that the most common source of sexual attacks is still family and family friends? So getting driven home by a friend's parent might not be the safest option either. The truth is that there is always an element of risk, but that has to be balanced against the benefits of a social life and independence. I would still opt for the taxi.

[Cubtrouble]

It's very easy. The 15 year old asks to go out, if you cannot pick her up she asks a friend provides a phone number for you to check it's ok and specifies a time. If none of this is arranged by the time she wants to go out- she clearly stays at home.

Don't over think it. Make rules and stick to them.

[Fantome]

Following on from the taxis/safety line, for anyone in London, there is a women only taxi service. I keep meaning to register for it but have heard it's very good - you have to be a member and they only take women or girls. It's fully licensed.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

There are givers and takers in life - it's taken me to age 50 to stop enabling other people to be pisstakers.

In your situation, I'd make arrangements to bring your own child home and if anyone else wants you to, they are welcome to contact you and ask to bring their child home. It's up to you as to whether you do or not. Tell DD not to turn up at the car with the other girls and put you on the spot. If they ask her if you will give them a lift back, tell her to say "i don't know, your parents need to arrange it with my mum" I guess a few months will go by and they will all start sorting it out properly again.

[EllenMP]

Don't feel bad about leaving your kids for 7 minutes. Assuming they were safely tucked in their beds asleep the chances of anything happening were negligible. 11 year old babysitters were a common feature in our day, and nothing did happen, so you are vindicated. Don't let judgy mums make you doubt your own common sense. You didn't want to do it, but you were in a tight spot and that was your best option.

I still arrange lifts for my 15 year old son if I think it's warranted. He often sorts this himself, but I'm perfectly happy to call his friends' parents if he doesn't. The kids don't seem to think it's a big deal for parents to communicate directly. I would say that's your best option going forward.

[Nermerner]

I would have said she couldn't go.

[user1474627704]

I agree with you, but you do realise that the stuff about your insurance and "driving illegally" just isn't true? Your dr can have an opinion on whether you are fit to drive or not, but unless he informs the authorities and your license is suspended or revoked, it carries no legal weight.
Its the same with driving after a section, there is a myth that you aren't allowed for 6 weeks and your insurance is invalid. It's not true.

[Craigie]

YABU. You had no business driving under these circumstance. You endangered your life, your child's life, her friends lives not to mention members of the general public. Oh, and you left tiny children unsupervised. Get a grip. A 15 year old is more than capable of phoning a taxi. You should actually be mortified.

[MaybeDoctor]

I was that girl whose parents would never give lifts and it was horrid to feel always under obligation, or have other parents raising their eyebrows at me when I said that I was walking home in the dark. My mother could not drive for medical reasons and my father just didn't see the need. There wasn't a damn thing I could do about it - telling my father it was 'his turn' just wouldn't have worked!

[kali110]

EllenMP think people are more concerned that the op is unfit to drive and put herself and others at risk.

[Blueink]

YABU to be annoyed at the other parents/kids when you left the arrangements to DD and only communicated directly with her. At 15 I was expected to walk a short distance home, but would not be allowed to stay out this late (home by 10pm!). Under the circumstances you have explained I don't know what possessed you to agree to her going. That was not a heat of the moment decision but led to what came after. It then seems you were more interested in proving a point by leaving the younger kids and driving medically unfit, otherwise before it came to that, why not pick up the phone and speak to any of the other parents involved? By focussing on the "wrongs" of the other parents you are not taking responsibility for you own lack of directness and communication. I would keep DD home for a while, you are not well and she is not responsible enough to manage herself, as she has shown.

[LoveBeingAMum555]

I have somehow ended up being taxi driver for my son and his friends so I know how it feels. My DS is the only one who lives out of town so I have to pick him up and usually I end up taking other people home as well. I don't really mind but it was nice when one parent came out of their way last weekend to bring DS home. It doesn't happen very often.

Sounds to me like it was typical teenager organisation. You got it wrong but so long as DD is aware of this and you both have a plan for next time you have to just let it go.

[gandalf456]

My dad was taxi. Other parents were just lazy and didn't want to come out late so yanbu. So, yes, they should have taken their turn but life has taught me you can't always trust people to do the right thing

So, yes, no lift, no go and no picking up others unless their parents take their turn

[OldmumofKent]

Poor you. Teenagers find it hard to think ahead, something to do with their developing brains. Get numbers for other parents and always treat them like your best friends - they are your best allies. I have 2 in their 20s and a teenager. Those teenage years are a battlefield! Just treat what happened as a learning experience - you had no choice but to get her that time but next time you will be better prepared.

[dowhatnow]

I seem to always be doing more than my fair share. It is annoying. I feel your pain.
And I don't slate you for doing what you did. It was a one off panic reaction. It has never happened in the past and you will obviously ensure it will never happen in the future. Anyone would think that the pious posters on your back, have never, or will never, make a wrong judgement call and regret it immensely.

[ilovechocolate07]

I don't have a child that age so I'm not aware of how close you are to friends' parents but I think that if the same group of girls go to these parties together a lot and you trust your daughter to be with the other parents then a quick text on the morning to check who is picking up wouldn't do any harm. I like the idea somebody had of telling your daughter that if nothing is arranged then she has to reimburse you for the taxi fare.