Annoyed with DD, her friends, their parents

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

So last night DD, 15, went to a party at her best friend's house. They live locally, I trust the parents, there is no issue re the party.

When these events occur, the parents of 3 other girls and I take turns picking up DCs at the end (usually around midnight). I get a little fed up about it as I do more than my fair share, but I don't really mind as long as I know DD is safe.

I've been unwell recently and doc has not signed me off to drive yet, so I'm not covered by insurance and am actually not fit to drive in an emergency stop situation. In addition to that we have younger DCs (11, 3 & 3) and DH was working nightshift. In a nutshell, I couldn't do the pick up. I've done the last two so was sure one of the other parents would step in.

So despite DD asking friends, and me pestering her with text messages to find out the situation, there was no offer of a lift home. The other girls didn't know how they were getting home (I assume they just expected me to come anyway, despite being told it would be impossible).

To be honest, DD is notoriously bad for this type of organisation and, although she tells me she fully explained the situation to them, there is a chance she didn't explain it well enough (or at all !)

In the end, I had no choice but to leave my little kids home alone (for around 7 minutes) and drive (completely illegally) to collect her, only finding out when I got there that one of the other parents were picking up the other girls (this had only been arranged very late when it became clear I wouldn't be doing it).

I am furious to be put in that position and so relieved that everything turned out ok re the kids at home and driving. I feel sick thinking about what could have happened, but it was a case of 'the lesser evil'. I always make sure DD has an exit plan at these things (usually me collecting her) and always feel a responsibility to keep her friends safe too. I'm so disappointed that they nor their parents were prepared to help me out when I really need it.

WIBU to say I'll never give these girls a lift again? It would probably affect her friendship with them and definitely affect my 'relationship' with their parents. Or do I just suck it up?

[Ineedacupofteadesperately]

Agree with others that have said you could have organised a taxi for DD, but appreciate it was a stressful situation and perhaps you didn't think of it. You must speak to other parents directly - you can't expect them to know for sure otherwise- you're relying on your DD giving an accurate message and on DD's friends passing that message on clearly and unambiguously to their parents - so many things could go wrong in that (far too long) line of communication that I do think YABU to blame the parents- they could well simply not have known your situation.

[AidingAndAbetting]

All of this could have been avoided if you had insisted upon your DD arranging her own way home before skipping off to the party. Be that arranging a lift, booking a taxi or whatever. She's more than old enough to do that so why did you let her go when you knew she hadn't?

I am really shocked that you drove illegally and unwell and left your other children at home. That was shockingly bad judgement and there was no need for it. It wasn't an emergency situation. Why couldn't your DD get a taxi or sleep. on her friends sofa for the night?

[Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden]

Ilove I can totally sympathise. I arrived at a teenage disco on Friday night to collect Dd 2 who is 11. Two of her friends had no lift and ended up driving around for half an hour leaving two eleven year olds home at midnight.

[SansasEscape]

From now on, she needs cash and a taxi number. Don't drive. What the hell were you thinking?!

[StStrattersOfMN]

In future, either pick up the phone and ring the other parents yourself, or you prebook a taxi for your DD. It is not your responsibility to get the others home.

I do absolutely understand though, when DD1 was at home I would turf out at 2am to pick her up an hour away because if infinitely prefer to drive her myself than risk another friend drive home after drinking, and taxis would have been ridiculously expensive at that hour and distance. I used to take a couple of other friends home, but only because they were on our way. No other parent ever offered, although one girl's mother was a known alcoholic so I wouldn't have let her do it anyway. I think DD's friends though I was wonderful and bonkers in equal amounts, and to give them credit I did revive a steady stream of random boxes of chocolates and books etc.

[daisypond]

I think your DD should have walked home, if needs must. It's only a three and a half minute drive - so, what, half an hour or less to walk? Why wouldn't it be safe to walk home? I don't think it's right that parents have to ferry mid-to-older teenagers around if there's other suitable means of transport around - buses, trains, their own feet, if it's so short a distance. We don't have a car, so when my DDs were this age, they had to rely on public transport - plentiful where we live - and walking. Never a problem.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I would never have expected my parents to turn out and pick me up in the middle of the night though - if I was old enough to arrange a night out I was old enough to arrange a bed for the night or a taxi

[AChickenCalledKorma]

Have all the people saying she should have walked actually noticed it was midnight. I'm all for getting kids out of cars, but there's plenty of reasons why a 15yo might not be happy walking home alone at that time of night.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

YANBU to be pissed off that you do the most pick ups and few are willing to reciprocate.
Knowing their reluctance YABU to expect them to do you a favour. Make other arrangements for your daughters transportaion in future.

[insancerre]

Yes chicken, I noticed the time

I also have older children, 27 and 20

I don't get the obsession for driving teens everywhere

[LagunaBubbles]

As to the people that say OP doesn't deserve a slating - you wouldnt be saying that if she had crashed into you and injured you or a loved one, and trying to sort it all out given she was uninsured!

[5tardusty]

Find it pretty unbelieveable that you would conclude that you needed to leave your young children home alone and drive illegally, before you would remember the existence of taxis.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Bloody hell, what a mess.
Not just you, but the other parents too - how dare they just assume that you would do it, because you "usually do" - utterly rude and irresponsible of them.
Your DD should have called you when it was clear that A parent was coming out and she should have got a lift with them, rather than making you do what you did (which I do understand, but still think you shouldn't have done it). And if that parent had refused to take your DD then THAT would have completely been the end of all lifts to their children!

As things stand, I think you've been taken advantage of for too long, so no, YWNBU to say you're not doing pick-up for others again, only for your DD. Or get her a bike - a 3 1/2 min drive would be no more than a 10 min cycle (so long as it's not all unlit country lanes, or a dual carriageway or similar).

And I'm glad to see that in future she will need to have a proper plan in place before she's allowed to go out to more of these parties.

[Sprinklestar]

I'd have collected my DD last night and left the others there. I wouldn't be giving the friends lifts in the future.

I wouldn't have left the little ones, I'd have called a taxi. Also - 7 mins is 3.5 mins there, 3.5 back? That isn't far to walk, especially if the others could have walked with her.

When we were old enough to drive, DBs and I used to take it in turns to collect each other from nights out. Worked well. Also, my parents never had this with other parents, there's a bot of me wondering why you're such a soft touch, OP?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Phone other people in the lift share to say "Can you bring DD home from the party next week please?"

Do these people even know it is a lift share? I mean if all arrangements are happening through unreliable 14 year olds, well, maybe DD told them you don't mind doing all the pickups.

YABVVU to expect a bunch of 14 year olds to arrange their parent's lift share rota, while the parents say nothing. Actually, I'd be annoyed if my DC decided when I was doing pickups: that's carefully negotiated with the other parents because everyone has stuff going on.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Your angry at yourself but you did what you felt best. Let go of that anger I'm sure you are doing the best you can in circumstances if you can usually drive and have toddler twins.

Yanbu to refuse DD going to another party unless there are clear arrangements for pick up.

Yanbu to refuse to do that pick up for the foreseeable.

Chalk it up to experience and hope whilst your DD is out of party action due to your driving constraints she'll learn some assertiveness and arrangement techniques.

[Happy50]

We all do things when we are il or stressed we really regret and think that by the grace of God…
On a general point about to pick ups – teenagers by their nature can be irresponsible, disorganised and distractible - has always been and will always be.
One of the best piece parenting advice I've been given was my friend who had a teenage daughter. She told her where ever she was, if she ever felt uncomfortable, in trouble no matter what time of night it was, she would always come get her with no repercussions .
On one occasion, it saved her daughter from an abusive situation with much older boys.

[daisypond]

Why does it make any difference if it's midnight? Midnight or not, it's still should be fine to walk. She's 15, not 5. Would it be OK to walk outside at mightnight if you're 25, 35?

[Trojanhorsebox]

What's done is done and I have nothing to add to other people's opinions on that.

What is your plan going forward? Will you just take your own child and not give lifts? Will you liaise directly with the parents about lifts?

I was in your daughter's position as a teenager. We all lived in little villages. Two girls and I lived close and shared rides - without fail one of their parents would step in first and offer to take us wherever we were going if someone else would do pick up, and 9 times out of 10 my dad would be the mug picking us up from some other village at midnight. He never complained, unless he couldn't find the place if we'd given rubbish directions. He wanted me to get home safe, so picking up the other two was no big deal, but I think he did get annoyed he was always the parent on the late shift. Looking back it must have messed up many a Saturday night for him and I just didn't appreciate it at the time how much he was helping us.

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

Wow. Lots of comments to respond to.

Yes, for those of you still slating me, it's been said and done and you couldn't slate me more than I'm doing myself. I'm well aware, in the cold light of day, what the consequences could have been, but, as I said, I panicked in the moment.

Yes, the other parents know about my situation, but as I said in a previous post, as I look ok, they may just assume I'm now fine.

Yes, the other parents knew I couldn't come. No, I didn't liaise directly with them - it is done through the girls (another lesson learnt) - but I made sure this info was passed on.

Although this issue may look like I'm disorganised and lax in my DD's care, it's absolutely not the case, hence I'm usually the parent who does the pick ups and the other parents just 'wait and see'. In fact, one set of parents don't do pickups at all and just assume someone will deal with their DD.

On this occasion, although I hadn't discussed it directly with the parents, I believed the girls could be trusted to organise this, explain the situation, etc. Again, another mistake on my part.

Finally - typo on the time. Some are questioning the timings. It should've read 11.45, not 11.15.

I think I've covered everything raised.

Thanks to those who can see I've made a mistake and am not a monster. Fair enough to those slating me - it's what I'm doing to myself and what I'd have done to others in the past. Big mistake! I'm moving on, handful that everything is ok AND I've had my AIBU answered and will probably do the drop offs again as, from now on, I will personally collect my DD from any party and, if I can't, she won't be going!