Annoyed with DD, her friends, their parents

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

So last night DD, 15, went to a party at her best friend's house. They live locally, I trust the parents, there is no issue re the party.

When these events occur, the parents of 3 other girls and I take turns picking up DCs at the end (usually around midnight). I get a little fed up about it as I do more than my fair share, but I don't really mind as long as I know DD is safe.

I've been unwell recently and doc has not signed me off to drive yet, so I'm not covered by insurance and am actually not fit to drive in an emergency stop situation. In addition to that we have younger DCs (11, 3 & 3) and DH was working nightshift. In a nutshell, I couldn't do the pick up. I've done the last two so was sure one of the other parents would step in.

So despite DD asking friends, and me pestering her with text messages to find out the situation, there was no offer of a lift home. The other girls didn't know how they were getting home (I assume they just expected me to come anyway, despite being told it would be impossible).

To be honest, DD is notoriously bad for this type of organisation and, although she tells me she fully explained the situation to them, there is a chance she didn't explain it well enough (or at all !)

In the end, I had no choice but to leave my little kids home alone (for around 7 minutes) and drive (completely illegally) to collect her, only finding out when I got there that one of the other parents were picking up the other girls (this had only been arranged very late when it became clear I wouldn't be doing it).

I am furious to be put in that position and so relieved that everything turned out ok re the kids at home and driving. I feel sick thinking about what could have happened, but it was a case of 'the lesser evil'. I always make sure DD has an exit plan at these things (usually me collecting her) and always feel a responsibility to keep her friends safe too. I'm so disappointed that they nor their parents were prepared to help me out when I really need it.

WIBU to say I'll never give these girls a lift again? It would probably affect her friendship with them and definitely affect my 'relationship' with their parents. Or do I just suck it up?

[diddl]

Why furious with the other parents?

They don't have to be responsible for your daughter.

If there were no plans to get home, then she doesn't go.

You put yourself in the position.

[ClinkyMonkey]

The problem is, nobody will believe you if you say you won't be doing it again. If having younger children at home unsupervised and being unfit and uninsured to drive didn't get the message across, not much will. You still turned up and they know it. They'll think that nothing short of an earthquake will stop you.

[Cheerybigbottom]

I would be furious this situation in you illegally driving and leaving a 3 year old at home alone! TBH I would never even consider this.

Many taxi companies have apps and you can book through them and receive updates through texts identifying the car for pickup. So please either use that, or tell your daughter she cannot attend the next party unless a parent confirms with you they are bringing her home.

[KathArtic]

My DDs are a similar age and can be a bit dilly. Getting home is bottom of their list, way behind clothes, make up and boys.

Don't blame the other parents - they were probably unaware you are ill. There will have been some vague conversation between the girls, all thinking the others parent was sorting the lift home. Then at the last minute one parent gets a panic call to collect them. S/He was probably just as pissed to see you there too.

As you have younger children and a DH working shifts it is your responsibility to get the parents mobile numbers so you can text/phone them instead of leaving your children home alone and driving illegally.

[roasted]

I don't know why you put yourself in that situation.

Yes, a taxi would have been expensive and perhaps money you/she didn't want to spend, but a taxi is always the better option than driving illegally!

[WorraLiberty]

I'm sorry but it was down to you as a parent to make sure your DD had a lift home, before she set off to the party.

My DS is 17 and there's no way I'd let him set off to a party without knowing for a fact, he'd made firm arrangements to get home again.

You should have made her get her friend's parents phone numbers and spoke to them yourself.

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

To those asking 'what the hell was I thinking?', I absolutely agree! She's never been to a party before without a plan of getting home - it's usually me or DH to pick them all up. I've also never left kids home alone.

My failing was unreasonably assuming that the other parents would take 'a turn'. I should not have done that.
There's nothing to be said to make me feel worse about how I resolved the situation.

Despite my anger with myself though, I'm also so disappointed that the people whose kids I look out for and ensure arrive home safe and well couldn't/wouldn't do the same for my DD, hence the AIBU. I really don't feel like helping them out again in the future with lifts.

Discussing this with DD, it's been agreed that 'no way home, no party'. Lesson learnt.

[Lunar1]

You should be bloody furious with yourself. Your dr hasn't signed you back for driving yet because they don't deem it safe yet.

You could have hurt innocent people doing this. I've no sympathy at all for you, I've seen too many accident victims, and more often than not the innocent party comes of worse than the twat behind the wheel driving illegally.

Add to that, if you'd had a serious accident how long do you think it would have taken for someone to realise that you had left young children without supervision.

[witsender]

If she can't get home, she doesn't go. I am genuinely amazed that you think this is their fault? She didn't have to go, or you could have contacted them directly, or booked her a taxi. So many options other than the illegal and irresponsible one.

[MrsJayy]

7 minutes there and backthey could have bloody walked home you put yourself your children at home and your dd in danger for 4 minutes stupid thing to do

[IloveJudgeJudy]

So to be clear, the other parents weren't going to give your DD home, even though they were picking up their own DDs? Or didn't they give your DD a lift cos you turned up?

[MaryField]

But how do you know the other parent came at the last minute? It might have been arranged all along.

[MrsJayy]

Btw im sorry the other parents let you down from now on concentrate on your own child they are taking the piss dont let them and dont worry about their kids

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

She couldn't have walked home. Three and a half minutes drive is a long walk for a 15 year old alone at midnight.

They couldn't walk together as, although we all live reasonably locally to each other, they are scattered in different directions.

As others have said, a taxi would have been a better option. It just didn't occur to me in a panic late at night. I felt I just needed to get her home.

[Emus]

I think it sounds like the fault of the girls to be honest and not the other parents. The girls probably didn't really discuss it properly between themselves and then realised at the end of the night that they were stuck, hence another parent being there (who was probably equally annoyed at getting a late call as they were probably told the same as you).

Moving forwards, best to check direct with the parents re lifts. I think a Whats app group or similar is a great idea.

[Marmelised]

Picking up on an earlier point about other parents being happy to let their kids walk home - that was me. We lived 5 well lit minutes from a busy tube line which in turn was usually 5 well lit minutes from the tube station where ever my children had been. We chose to live there precisely because it meant we didn't have to drive everywhere.

I got a bit fed up(and so did my children) about well meaning parents insisting on dropping them home and expecting me to reciprocate. We didn't ask for the lift and we didn't want to have to trek out to give others lifts when our children were perfectly capable of getting safely home themselves.

If the drive there and back only took 7 minutes then a group of healthy 15 year olds could surely have got themselves home safely.

[MaryField]

Oh ok. Maybe I misread. So the other parent wasn't going to give your dd a lift home at all?

[LynetteScavo]

But another parent did help out and wound have bought her home if you weren't there

No way would I have driven or left my younger DD alone. DD would just have to have spent the night at her friends or they could have sent her home in a taxi.

The issue here seems to be lack of communication.

[Beebeeeight]

They are used to yiu doing the drop off.

How would they know you couldn't do it if you didn't tell them?

If the hosts parents hadn't checked how the girls were getting home it their fault if the girls have to sleepover. What were they going to do-kick them out onto the street?

Although it does sound a walkable distance- why not tell DD to walk home?

There were so many better options than risking killing someone on the road!

[YeOldMa]

I won't go into why I think it was daft for you to drive without insurance and to leave your kids home alone because enough people have told you but please don't put yourself in that position again. We are in your position that we are the main lift providers (I get a bit peed off about that every so often but really I am responsible because I don't take a stand) and we let our sons make the arrangements. Once they have decided amongst themselves, we let the other parents know what we are expecting to happen. On the odd occasion other parents step into the breach, I always confirm what my son is expecting to happen. That way, they learn to organise but we as parents are the fail safe. It also gives us the opportunity to communicate with the other parents so in the event of us needing transport, we can just ask. It has worked well for the last 4 years.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Taxi?

[MaryField]

As this was her best friend, she wouldn't have been chucked out on the street surely? If no one had come to pick her up, wouldn't the host parents have called you to discuss what to do? E.g. Sleepover, taxi etc

[Stillunexpected]

It is not the other parents fault. Teenagers are notoriously bad at organising themselves. They wanted to go to the party and if there were problems with lifts they would have been keeping very quiet about it because they would probably not have been allowed to go. The other parents probably also had commitments that night - out, ill, working etc - which prevented them from doing the pick-ups. In typical teenager fashion they will have decided to keep quiet about transport problems, go to the party and figure something out about getting home later - probably just as the part was about to finish!

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

Cross posting.

To respond to a couple of questions:

ilovejudgejudy It wasn't that the other parents refused to give her a lift. It was a bit of a Mexican Standoff to see who would go. I believe the other parents thought I'd do it (one of the ther parents never takes a turn, so that was expected).
Although I'm officially 'unwell', I look fine and am pretty mobile, so they probably thought I'd be fine to do it.

I didn't see the other parents there - the kids were standing on the driveway waiting for their lift and DD told me that another parent was coming but only confirmed this at 11.15pm when it was apparently that no one else was going to do it.

[imnotreally]

I appreciate it was choosing the lesser of two evils. But I wouldn't have let her go of she had no planned way of getting home.