Annoyed with DD, her friends, their parents

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

So last night DD, 15, went to a party at her best friend's house. They live locally, I trust the parents, there is no issue re the party.

When these events occur, the parents of 3 other girls and I take turns picking up DCs at the end (usually around midnight). I get a little fed up about it as I do more than my fair share, but I don't really mind as long as I know DD is safe.

I've been unwell recently and doc has not signed me off to drive yet, so I'm not covered by insurance and am actually not fit to drive in an emergency stop situation. In addition to that we have younger DCs (11, 3 & 3) and DH was working nightshift. In a nutshell, I couldn't do the pick up. I've done the last two so was sure one of the other parents would step in.

So despite DD asking friends, and me pestering her with text messages to find out the situation, there was no offer of a lift home. The other girls didn't know how they were getting home (I assume they just expected me to come anyway, despite being told it would be impossible).

To be honest, DD is notoriously bad for this type of organisation and, although she tells me she fully explained the situation to them, there is a chance she didn't explain it well enough (or at all !)

In the end, I had no choice but to leave my little kids home alone (for around 7 minutes) and drive (completely illegally) to collect her, only finding out when I got there that one of the other parents were picking up the other girls (this had only been arranged very late when it became clear I wouldn't be doing it).

I am furious to be put in that position and so relieved that everything turned out ok re the kids at home and driving. I feel sick thinking about what could have happened, but it was a case of 'the lesser evil'. I always make sure DD has an exit plan at these things (usually me collecting her) and always feel a responsibility to keep her friends safe too. I'm so disappointed that they nor their parents were prepared to help me out when I really need it.

WIBU to say I'll never give these girls a lift again? It would probably affect her friendship with them and definitely affect my 'relationship' with their parents. Or do I just suck it up?

[Cathaka15]

It was wrong what you did but you did what you had to in the spur of the moment.
I think better communication with the other patents is the key. So directly contacting them when plans change.
I also think you should let dd know she has to take some responsibility if she wants to attend these parties and be organised.

[diddl]

Tbh if it was her best friend, couldn't she have stayed over & your husband collect from work or later?

Leaving your other kids shouldn't have been a thought at all.

If you usually collect at midnight & your daughter told you at 11.15 that other parents were collecting, how did you still end up going?

[rollonthesummer]

The problem is, nobody will believe you if you say you won't be doing it again. If having younger children at home unsupervised and being unfit and uninsured to drive didn't get the message across, not much will. You still turned up and they know it.

This!

Have you discussed the situation with your daughter this morning?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Ok the planning wasn't great. It was a bad idea to drive and leave the children alone. I don't think you deserve a slating. You have 4 kids, just had an operation or something similar and a dh on night shift. I agree, get the parents details and make sure there is more communication next time. They will be totally unaware of your situation and theirs may be similar to yours - or maybe they're lazy arses. And no, I wouldn't refuse to give the others a lift. I get why you're angry.

[insancerre]

I would have let her walk
Or call a taxi

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

It seems like a misunderstanding so I don't understand why you are so annoyed with the other parents. From their pov, you were collecting as usual but didn't turn up so I guess the other DP had a call at 11pm from their DC saying you hadn't turned up and could they collect them instead.
There was a breakdown in communication between you, your DC, the other DC and the other DPs. Partly that was caused by the fact there are 4 steps in that chain. Contact the other DPs directly next time.

[puglife15]

Did you actually tell the other parents that you wouldn't be picking up? I would have.

[AngelicaSchuyler]

OP, do you actually ask the other parents directly to take their turn or do you wait for them to offer? Sometimes people can be lazy and not volunteer unless theyre put in the spot with a direct request.

I agree with others that the girls are prob to blame for poor organisation - the other 2 may have told their parents that you would be driving up until the last minute when it became clear you weren't. There was likely some crossover between your Dd calling you and them calling their lift.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I'm forever pissing off my 15 and 13 year old with the question about how they will get to and from social events. For them, what they will wear and who is coming is top priority but I'm hoping that it will sink in that they need to think about these things before they are old enough to be drinking or living away at uni or something and haven't saved money for the cab drive home or something.

Tell your daughter no exit plan, no party. Get her friends' parents phone numbers and stop expecting help if you haven't asked them to take turns. They aren't psychic and might have reasons why they couldn't do lifts either.

Basically yanbu to be annoyed with dd but her friends and their parents might not have known that you needed help and had a legit reason for not giving a lift eg having had a drink.

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

So another parent did step in and told them they would be, I think in your shoes I'd be pissed off at DD for not calling to tell you that! You are signed off driving because it's not safe for you to do so, supposing you'd had an accident, it wasn't just you and your children you were putting in danger!

[AmeliaLeopard]

I know you agree you handled it badly and you won't do that again. You also seem to have a plan for going forward to stop the situation coming up again.

As for being annoyed at the other parents, you don't really know what the situation was for them either. They may have been in an equally difficult position of being unable to drive. A panicked phone call from a daughter when you know you can't drive and a desperate scramble to try to figure out who you know might be able to do it. DM once got me out of bed at 1am when I was 18 to pick up little sis who's lift had fallen through.

That said, it is a pain being the parent who always gives lifts. It's one of those parenting things - some people will do lifts to ensure safety, some people think if DC are old enough to go out til midnight they are old enough to arrange how to get home.

Perhaps in future keep an emergency £20 at home so if she needs a taxi she will always be able to pay. And then she would have to replace the emergency taxi money before she was allowed to the next night out.

[ShteakandShpuds]

It's really not the fault of the other parents, if you didn't have a direct conversation with them, is it?

If you want the parents to take turns, you speak to them as adults face to face and come to an agreement about arranging pick ups for future parties.

You sound as immature as your daughter FFS, blaming others for not guessing it's their turn and playing fair.

[Iamdobby63]

I never let my daughter go anywhere until all the arrangements are made. Really this is down to poor communication between your DD, you and her friends.

If you feel that the other parents were waiting for you to do it then the message of your health hasn't been passed on.

[tofutti]

YANBU OP. I would just collect my own daughter from now on.

Let the others sort themselves out.

Or just make it clear to the others that they have to take it turns.

Don't be their mug. They sound like entitled shits.

[MaryField]

With dd1 we did all the lifts as we lived outside the area and it was the logical thing to do.
Dd2 was completely different. I'd ask her how she was getting home and she'd always say x/y/z's parents are bringing us home. I'd ask her if they were ok with that and the answer would always be 'yep'. I never queried it.
With dd3 we gave loads of lifts and it turned out that apparently dd3 used to say that her dad was fine with giving everyone a lift home and, like us with dd2, the parents never queried it.
So what did I learn? I learnt that you can never trust teenagers to bother with boring stuff like fair play to the lift-givers! The parents need to communicate with each other.

[FriskyFrog]

This is what comes of attempting to liaise with a group of schoolchildren instead of their adult parents.

[specialsubject]

You drove uninsured and unfit.

Having let this situation arise in the first place, the obvious legal solution was to call a taxi.

But it is cheaper to break the law. Happily no accident due to being unfit to drive. No widow or widower as a result.

Think.next time.

[ThingInTheAttic]

NU to feel taken for granted by the other parents and to feel like not helping out again. But it would BU to never actually give them a lift again. That just punishes the kids and you'll end up with your own sulky teenager to handle.
I think yes, you shouldn't have let your daughter go without having firm plans for how she would get home. You shouldn't have driven yourself and you shouldn't have left the other children.
BUT...it's over, nobody came to any harm and we all do silly things that we later regret. We are human.
Just learn from the experience, make sure you have contact details for the other parents so that you can always double-check who's on taxi duty and don't let your daughter go out before knowing how she is getting home. Job done!
Oh, and DON'T fall into the trap of helping out more than your share. I've made this mistake and other parents are often very quick to assume that you are the automatic default driver for every future trip, just because you once did three in a row.

[Beebeeeight]

So the party wasn't due to end til midnight. It was less than 5 min drive away and at 11.15 you knew someone else was picking her up?

Why on earth did you go?!

[WamBamThankYouMaam]

So YOU allowed your 15yr old to go out to a party ending at midnight without any confirmed way of getting home, and YOU left your other children home alone to drive illegally to pick her up?

And you're trying to blame other people for being in that situation?

[Oldraver]

I dont think OP knew at 11.15...but her DD did. It should be her DD she should be giving a rocket up the bum to

[Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour]

In a nutshell...communicate with the other parents.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I would be concerned that you didn't actually think to get a taxi (from your PP) but were fine about jumping in the car (despite not being able to legally) and leaving your children on their own. You say your daughter isn't very good at organising? In the nicest possible way, it doesn't sound like your forte either!

[BlurtonOnKites4eva]

I honestly can't believe that you thought it was more sensible to drive illegally than get a taxi/get your daughter to walk.

What's 3 and half minutes in the car it's only about a half hour walk? Unless you live in Mexico City or something I don't understand how it's that bad for 15 year old to walk home as a one off.

[BlurtonOnKites4eva]

But it does sound like your DD friends and parents are tits.