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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is tight?

369 replies

BatsHitKrazee · 09/10/2016 08:37

I have two sisters - we are all close in age.

My younger sister is 29 , I'm 30 and my older sister is 33.

My younger sister and I live at home with our parents whereas my older sister has a family of her own with her husband .

At Christmas , myself and my younger sister buy our two nieces Christmas presents costing around £15-£20.

My parents (their grandparents) also spend around £20 each on them but they don't buy for my older sister or her husband.

My older sister refuses to buy for us two other sisters even though we buy her children !

Instead , she buys a "family" present like a hamper or something for around £30-£40 for us and my parents to share.

My mum has tried asking my older sister to give us an actual present or some money but older sister ignores her and buys a family gift.

WIBU to give older sister plenty of notice and ask her nicely if she could get me and my sister something specific this year?

Or should we cut back on what we spend on our nieces?

I feel it's unfair that she isn't buying us a gift but we are buying for her children !

OP posts:
deste · 09/10/2016 09:41

I give my nieces two daughters a present, about £50 each and don't want anything back.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 09/10/2016 09:41

Once by time I had replied Wink

Boysnme · 09/10/2016 09:42

Just all of you stop buying for anyone in the family. You spend the money you would have on them on your kids, they spend their money on themselves. Everyone happy.

anyoldname76 · 09/10/2016 09:42

i hate reverse threads as well, it just makes me think the op is a liar. whose to know if you're the younger sister or the older one with dc, you could have called reverse thread due to the backlash you were getting

why dont you make it simple for your family, whichever sister you are. no presents for anyone inc dc

LucyLot · 09/10/2016 09:42

Sorry didn't realise this was a reverse- OP I think maybe a more thoughtful family gift. Are you on a tight budget?

Passmethecrisps · 09/10/2016 09:43

Op here is where you grow your stones. The reverse certainly served its purpose and you have apologised. If people are irritated then they can read something else.

I am also interested to know whether this is your mum's issue or your sisters.

If she wants you to give cash because they give your kids something it isn't almost like she sees you as her peer and you are essentially swapping gifts for the kids. She maybe doesn't see your sisters as adults at all.

Original poster
BatsHitKrazee · 09/10/2016 09:43

For those asking , I know my sisters feel resentful about it as my mum mentioned it on Boxing Day last Christmas.

With two children in childcare , we don't have the funds to splash the cash and I really thought my hamper gift was thoughtful .

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 09/10/2016 09:43

I hate reverses. You never really know and understand the full situation with the other person.

Soubriquet · 09/10/2016 09:44

Do they have a good relationship with your children?

Passmethecrisps · 09/10/2016 09:46

A hamper gift is thoughtful. My dh does one for my inlaws and spends weeks sourcing local produce.

My mum makes the one she gives to us - all her own jam and chutney and their own fresh eggs.

It is lovely and very much appreciated

Squeegle · 09/10/2016 09:46

nocabbage do you need to be so rude? I just don't get why some people feel it's ok to be so unbelievably rude about something so trivial. OP apologised- is this how you speak to people in RL? There's no need to vent your spleen, remember there is a real person at the end of the ether.

Original poster
BatsHitKrazee · 09/10/2016 09:46

If I were to split the gifts so they all got something each , it would be £10 each in a card which seems a bit thoughtless to me.

I don't mind whether they buy my children or not - I buy them a gift as I enjoy seeing my children's faces when they hand it over as well as the giving itself .

Maybe this would be the better option though ?

OP posts:
SabineUndine · 09/10/2016 09:46

Ok. Reverse. In that case, I would say maybe your sisters feel a bit hurt that you don't put more thought into their gift? A hamper is nice, but it's not very personal. They might prefer something smaller but chosen for them. I'd make it clear that the gifts for your DC are very much appreciated but you don't have a lot of spare cash.

SendARavenToRiverRun · 09/10/2016 09:47

Just seen it's a reverse. Good luck with that convo!

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 09/10/2016 09:47

Just stop buying anything, you can spend the time and the money you free up on your children

Tanith · 09/10/2016 09:48

Mmm! But, until your sisters say so themselves, you don't know for sure that they feel resentful.

Your conversation with your mum could stop at "they're grown women and I expect them to speak to me themselves if they have a problem!"

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 09/10/2016 09:48

Another reverse hater. Sad

Your sister isn't quite as bad as someone I know, who used to insist that friends & family gave her children two presents each at xmas (ie, one from Aunty Bitchy and one from "Santa"). Hmm

MidnightRunner87 · 09/10/2016 09:49

I can understand why you get the hamper and yes it is a nice gift but there is no way I would ever accept a gift off someone for my children without reciprocating. BIL, my niece, dh's nephew, other bil all but for our children and don't have children themselves for us to buy for. I would feel so ruddy tight accepting something from them as we do but not actually giving them something in return even when niece lived at home I wouldn't have dreamt of giving her a joint present with her parents. Some years we've been really skint and it's literally been just a toiletry set (3 for 2 a lot of the time). I can understand why they're feeling a little unappreciated.

Passmethecrisps · 09/10/2016 09:52

I agree with tanith

Refuse to discuss what your sister's want - it is entirely possible that they would be mortified. Or your mum has infantilised them by insisting on fighting these weird battles.

You are a mum yourself - you don't need to jump through hoops.

VinoTime · 09/10/2016 09:53

Okay, I've read the updates.

OP, I can fully sympathise with you and understand why you would do a family hamper. I have two sisters myself. I still buy for both, but my eldest has gone from just her to her, DH and two children. So the Christmas budget for her alone has been stretched from £25 to £100. The only way I get around actually spending that ridiculous sum of money is by shopping in the sales. So her children both have awesome presents this year, but they've cost no more than £10 each due to some heavy bargain hunting that I've done nice and early. Were I not able to do that, then I would need to start saying it's children only gifts. I've already had to do this with a lot of my friends - I only have one child and most of them have 3-4. We never give to receive, but buying for 4 children is simply out of the question (I'm a single mum on a relatively low wage). Were my sister to suddenly turn around and say she was buying for DD only from now on, I would totally 100% understand. In fact, I think I'd breathe a sigh of relief!

The problem with your sisters, I suspect, is that they have no idea how expensive raising a family can be. They still live at home with mum and dad and are perhaps a little ignorant to the very real (and very high) costs of living. I think all you can do is have a firm word with your mum the next time she instigates a conversation about this, although if we're being brutally honest, you really shouldn't need to. Having raised a family herself, I would've hoped she would understand without needing to actually have it explained to her Hmm

Squeegle · 09/10/2016 09:54

If your mum brings it up just say 'excuse me, are you seriously thinking of advising me what I should spend on Christmas presents? Do you think that is reasonable?'

Threebedsemii · 09/10/2016 09:54

Why don't you just up the budget so rather than £10 in a card you can spend £20 on both of them? It's only an extra £20.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 09/10/2016 09:55

I can understand why you get the hamper and yes it is a nice gift but there is no way I would ever accept a gift off someone for my children without reciprocating.

OP can't reciprocate. Her sisters don't have kids yet - and probably never will have if don't shift out of mopsy and popsy's tout suite.

SheldonCRules · 09/10/2016 09:56

Just make life easier for yourself and buy them a £10 gift they will like each.

I don't mind joint gifts but coffee and jam are normal every day items so wouldn't seem like a Xmas gift.

DonkeyHotay · 09/10/2016 09:58

I don't mind reverse threads.

I think your mum and sisters are grabby. I'm HmmConfused at grown women acting like this 29 and 30 year olds don't need to have their mum to speak to them. I'd tell them not to bother and make different plans for Christmas Day.

Children only and secret Santa for the adults in Donkey Towers.