To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

As I said earlier, evening invitations are unheard of in my family and friends. I understand about people mentioning about work colleagues and people they do activities with but I would never invite people from work unless I was good enough friends with them to have them to my whole wedding, I wouldn't invite them for the sake of It. If I had lots of people I wanted to invite I would ensure that I booked a venue big enough for everyone and managed my budget so that I could include everyone I wanted in the whole event.

No doubt you'll get people on here saying how rude it is and quoting Debrett's at you. Personally I'm of the opinion that an evening invitation means "we want you to come to the fun part of the wedding with booze and buffet".

Maybe it's a northern thing, but we're just happy to be invited to share in any part of the day.

It doesn't bother me at all. I've always been happy to be invited and to get to see the b&g and other friends, or I've been happy but declined because it's too far or expensive.

I'd only be upset if it was a very close friend and that would only be if it wasn't family only.

Some people have a very wide circle of family and friends and different closeness throughout.

We had evening guests, it's very much the norm where i work for work mates for example to be evening only. We also invited parents and siblings friends in the evening when the parents/sibs asked for invites. We didn't want them during the day, they were there for our family members and party with them, not to see us. We didn't expect anything from them.

Oh yes and the couple who, after not having seen or heard from them for three years despite trying to text and sending them and their kid cards every birthday, expected a invite and fb me to ask where it was. They got an evening invite and were apparently miffed that they were not considered so important. I didn't care they were only invited for politeness (and as a last olive branch) and after three years of them actively not bothering to be friends or acknowledging cards or texts then they were lucky to even get a response let alone an invite.

TheStoic

It's not A list and B list. It's "close family, lifelong friends etc" and "very good friends, extended family" - very few people can afford to have 200 people at the ceremony as well as on the evening. We're getting married next year (have been together nearly 20 years) and the place we're having it can only accomodate 75 people for the ceremony and meal, so even if we wanted to, we couldn't have more. There'll be nearly 300 people there on the night. Nobody is bothered by this. Most sensible people realise that there are going to be some people who are more important and that in the end it's usually about numbers. Only on MN have I ever seen this attitude of an evening invitation being offensive.

All this talk of 'tiered friends' and the A and B list is so snobby and pearl-clutchy. I can't believe people really don't get that a) weddings are a damn expensive business and b) that having very close friends and family doesn't mean you don't give a toss about your cousins or friends you haven't known as long as others. The princessy attitude from some of 'if I'm not good enough to be invited for the whole day I won't go' baffles me - and probably explains why they didn't want you there for the full day.

Only once have I felt put out to get an evening only invite - the bride and I had been very close and saw a lot of each other. However, she was very religious (I'm adamantly not) and she explained she was concentrating on her friends from the church for the day, as the ceremony would be more meaningful for them. I understood that and happily attended in the evening.

I definitely don't find evening invitations rude it's lovely to be asked at all but I have some medical conditions that make me just exhausted and with living rural and only having one babysitter who has 2 little ones of her own and also mixes in the same circles so could well be invited too they really don't work for us too well and although always politely and regretfully declined I do worry people will think it's because we're offended

Completely agree with you TaterTots - anyone who feels offended by an evening only invitation (unless you're a very very very close friend) is vastly overestimating their importance, IMHO. Anyone who is offended by me sending them an evening only invitation can politely decline straight away and I'd invite someone else.

That's a bit cold BowieFan...you're just confirming that people who you invite to the evening are disposable in your eyes.

Why bother even calling someone a friend if they are so disposable?

It's usually people like work colleagues who are invited to the evening party. I doubt friends from work are put out that they're not counted among the bride and groom's very nearest and dearest.

To those people saying "only on MN have I seen this be called offensive" as a way of dismissing it...well, MN is an anonymous internet forum...so maybe people feel they can say what they really think about evening invites here, rather than just politely smile and say "Well, I'd love to come but we are booked already". Because the type of person who would get genuinely hurt by this, is precisely the type of person who would go out of their way not to cause offence in return.

I'm not offended by an evening invitation. But I do tend to make less effort for one. We'd go if around but bit change plans etc for one.

Why?

Well whenever we've been to one we arrive at said time or just after, but the main meal has never finished. Speeches are still going on, or desserts are still being eaten.

So you're stood outside the room waiting and waiting.

And the seating issue. Those there for full day have their seats and tables allocated and there sat happily there. You turn up for the evening and there are just never more tables and seats waiting and ready. Even if they move tables and chairs back, those already established have their stuff on them. So again, your then stood there looking where to sit with no help.

Those things can definitely make evening guests feel less wanted, less important and almost an after thought.

So sort those two out and it'll be nicer for your evening guests and you'll make them feel they are actually wanted properly.

Oh and feed them!

We've been to a couple of recent weddings as evening guests and there has been no food at all for evening guests.

If not going to feed them then tell guests beforehand!

I may have taken leave of my senses here but bear with me;

I was under the distinct impression that people got married as a declaration of their love and commitment to building and entwining their lives together.
I wasn't aware that it was a prerequisite of such an occasion to piss off the least number of people.

Marriage is necessarily an extremely selfish endeavour. It is in totality about the two people who are getting married. In my very honest opinion they are not required to appease anybody when drawing up their guest list.

To be affronted by the receipt of an evening invitation seems both wholly ridiculous and ever so slightly self aggrandising, by all means decline if your sensibilities are offended. Just don't expect anybody to pay credence to your reasons for doing so.

I've never attended a wedding that had a disco and sausages sounds dire.

The princessy attitude from some of 'if I'm not good enough to be invited for the whole day I won't go' baffles me - and probably explains why they didn't want you there for the full day.

It's also kind of 'princessy' and overinflated to think 'I won't invite them to the most special parts of the day, but I'm sure they'll be happy just to be invited to any part at all.' And if they're not, that apparently explains why they're B list. That's some circular logic there.

As I said, I personally wouldn't actually be upset. I just wouldn't do it myself as I think it looks really tactless and thoughtless.

To add I've been to evening receptions where I've had to stop at a McDonald's drive through on the way home as it was so poorly catered. No free bar either.

It was the wedding of one of my mums friend's daughters.

I wasn't close to the bride, didn't know the groom and went just to show my face, with a perfunctory gift, more for my mum and her friend than anything else.

Only ever been to one wedding wth a free bar so that wouldn't bother me. Free bars are not the norm round here.

As people are talking about food:drink - I went to a wedding (full day) where the bride and groom stood by the entrance and welcomed evening guests.
They had a drink for each of them - it was lovely and thoughtful

As I mentioned friend earlier who only invited us to evening do - saw her for exactly 30 seconds - never saw the groom
THATS what pisses you off about being an evening guest - could have easily said we were there and not bothered

I actually went to one of my (now) best friends evening reception when I had only known her a few weeks. She took the time to speak to us and everyone else - she said that was her job! It's not really about you, people have made the effort to come and you are the host so act like it.

I'm staggered that people get so offended by it. It's long standing tradition throughout the British Isles that you invite your closest family and friends to the wedding reception and then Uncle Tom Cobbly and all from the village to party on down afterwards. Traditionally, at least in the Church of England, anyone can come to the actual service . In some places, at least while I was a child, the village would gather and throw silver coins at the newly married couple as they left church.

Obviously most of us no longer live in those same tiny communities so the traditions have changed - work colleagues seem to take the place of the village.

In my experience evening invitations are usually only for local guests, for work colleagues, extended family and people you either don't see much any longer or haven't known for very long. I have travelled for a few evening only invitations, in my case mainly gay couples wanting to invite everybody as they are so pleased to finally have the chance. It's lovely to be included in someone's special day.

The evening thing isn't done in some countries.
I don't get offended but if it isn't local I am unlikely to go because of the hassle.

Not everyone here has an evening thing either. I got married almost 20 years ago and just had the church wedding and a meal and that was it. Very small affair. But we were on a budget and I don't really.like discos.

Yy Snork!

I've been to weddings but not the reception. I've been to evening events (work colleagues; DH's work colleagues; neighbours; DS's friend's parents; football club; cricket club...). I'm always delighted to have been asked, not snubbed at being on the "B List"!

We had evening guests at our wedding - all DH's sport friends, who were never going to be at the ceremony but lived locally and were pleased to join us to drink celebrate. I don't understand the angst on MN about evening invites unless the logistics are disproportionate for the time spent at the event, or there is some other back story (such as the MNer who wasn't invited to the wedding of someone she considered a close friend)

I don't mind them in theory. In practice, there are a few things that make it not work for me a lot of the time:

Not having any food/drink for the evening guests makes you feel very unwelcome. I've been to on evening do where there was a cash bar, no food provided, and the couple had thoughtfully mentioned their gift list several times in prior communications. It didn't feel very hospitable.

Only having a very small number of guests evening only - it makes you feel a bit singled out when there have been 150 people at the wedding breakfast and there are 6 of you coming in for the evening. At that point, I would just invite everyone all day or not bother with evening only invitations.

I'd only be offended at getting an evening invite to a close friends wedding.

I agree with this.

Or the wedding of a family member. I just wouldn't go to it.

If it was a colleague then I'd be fine.

ZazieCats

It's not cold at all. We have large families and some very close friends and we have a limit of 75 in the place where we're having the wedding. It's a very tight thing because there's even some family members who we would love to be there but we don't have enough space in the ceremony for them.

But there's also some friends who we like but aren't close to, relatively speaking. I don't think it's cold to have some friends and family who you would definitely want there and some friends who aren't as close to you, who you still want to see there.

Again, it's not A list and B list. Most people are intelligent enough to know that there are going to be some people who we really like but they aren't as important to us as my sister or my DH's godfather who is like a 2nd dad to him.