To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

It's also kind of 'princessy' and overinflated to think 'I won't invite them to the most special parts of the day, but I'm sure they'll be happy just to be invited to any part at all.'

In what way? Surely there's nothing wrong with wanting to involve as many people you care about in your wedding as possible?

SandyY2K

Well it depends on the family member but for the most part I agree with you. If it was a cousin, it wouldn't bother me. If it was my brother or uncle, I'd be offended.

TaterTots

Completely agree. To most people, the ceremony is actually the most boring part of the day. In our families, the big celebration on the night is the most enjoyable, so I'd rather be invited to that.

I dunno, I've always just felt like they say 'come to our party to celebrate the wedding we didn't like you enough to invite you to - oh and bring a gift'.

flumplet If that's the way you think then you must be a very negative person. Most normal people realise that people have budgets, families and limits on how many people they're allowed in the room.

We're having our wedding at a place very special to both of us and the absolute limit is 75 people in the ceremony, because the room physically can't get any more people in it.

It's never bothered me. But I suppose it depends on the way it's gone about. As a pp said, inviting some of the book group or some of your colleagues (unless obviously close to one or two) to the day and others to evening can create that divide that I think some people have experienced.

A friend of mine got married earlier this year and had two hen dos, on abroad and one night out at home. You would think that she would have invited full day guests (eg, those she's closest to) to the aboard week, and day and evening guests to the night out, but no. She invited me to her abroad hen and I was an evening guest, and some of the people she had at her uk hen weren't invited at all. Very strange . I couldn't go abroad and I'm glad I didn't fork out £400 plus spending and then not be invited to the whole day. I still wasn't offended though, just a bit at the whole situation

And this is why eloped!

I think there are a lot of easily offended people about op but, they're not your problem.

Nothing wrong with an evening invitation only, whether it be family member or friend. If they won't come as they're offended & you've not massaged their ego enough to invite them all day, then bollocks to them

I wouldn't be offended by I have stopped going to evening do's. You turn up and the day guests are sloshed and all chatting away having a lovely time and I can't be bothered to play catch up. I don't like the feeling of turning up late to the party. Happy to receive an invite though. It's nice to thought of.

I don't think it's rude in principle. Everyone understands about budgetars restrictions.

BUT if you invite someone for the ceremony in the morning, then make them wait for 2 hours outside the church until you're ready for group photos, then go off somewhere with the all-day guests to have food, while the evening-only guests are left to their own devices for 4 hours to find food for themselves and hang around with nothing to do somewhere in that rural area they are unfamiliar with (and that's too farbawaynfrom home to be able to drive home and return in the evening), that would be really unthoughtful.
And if you don't offer any food, not even snacks, in the evening, that might be classed as rude.

I would probably decline an evening invitation. If I was past number 140 on the list I'd assume you wouldn't notice if I wasn't there.

I don't think it is rude at all. We have been to weddings where we have been invited to the whole day and some just the evening. I never felt like we didn't matter as much as others. It comes down to affordability for the bride and groom. Only invite we declined was an evening do in another country. After flights there we needed to hire a car and drive 3 hours to the venue. It just put it out of our price range for an evening do. We sent a card and some money and were happy to do that.

If no one had evening invites, there would still be two tiers of friends - ones who were invited to the whole day, and ones who weren't invited at all! Weddings cost a ridiculous amount of money as it is, I'm not impressed with guilting going on to get people to spend even more.

The thing is though, weddings don't actually have to be all that expensive. A friend of mine had hers in her back garden with a lovely buffet.
It's the wanting to go all out in fancy castles and silver service that makes it so expensive.

Wedding in a back garden, if you're not going to risk it being ruined by rain, means hiring a marquee, tables, chairs - assuming you want people to sit down that is. Catering unless you're going to make hundreds of sandwiches yourself. Which is expensive! Not as expensive as a hiring out a castle, obviously, but still a shed load.

And a you have an acre out back of course!

I like evening dos. The last two meant a) I didnt have to sit through 4 hours of Sanskrit or b) freeze my arse in a morning suit while being subjected to a Lakeland northeaster.

My own evening do was in absentia: we went to Heathrow while my family drank the village dry.

I much prefer evening only invites from friends. Particularly if I don't know many people going. It's the fun part - actually celebrating with the couple and no boring formal meal.

Cheap weddings are very doable unless you have a massive family. Me and ex-fiancé had over 100 family members between us, of which we saw about 70 on a regular basis. Neither felt we could invite some aunts/uncles and leave others out because they live far away. Add in 50 friends between us and we weren't left with any affordable options for a daytime ceremony. We opted for late afternoon ceremony and evening do only - no sit down meal. Nobody we knew had a garden big enough to accommodate even 'essential' family.

And I don't think I know anyone who invites guests for the presents! Even with just the evening buffet it'd be cheaper to not invite people then spend the money saved on stuff for yourself.

Me and DP prefer evening dos as well. Only because if we go to the daytime ceremony, DP is expected to wear his full dress uniform (RAF) which he dislikes and feels very self conscious about. An evening do he can just go in his civvies.

Well, that and I don't have to kick him to stop him having a "joke" during the "if anybody has any reasons why these two shall not be married..." bit.

I'd love to get married in my back garden. Presumably my grannie would be alright sat between DP's shed and DS1's punchbag.

If no one had evening invites, there would still be two tiers of friends - ones who were invited to the whole day, and ones who weren't invited at all!

Nailed it.

We've just declined an evening invitation for the following reasons:

Event is nearly 2 hours away so we'd need to stay overnight in a hotel.

We have two small children so would need overnight childcare.

We don't know anyone except the couple.

We would need to buy new outfits for events (just had baby so my shape has changed ).

Couple asked for money as a gift.

So with fuel and meals/ drinks plus all the above we were looking at £500 for a few hours at a disco not knowing anyone.

I wouldn't say it's rude but it's a pretty big ask in my opinion for an evening invitation.

Bambamrubblesmum - I can absolutely see why you'd decline in those circumstances - but does that mean they were wrong to even ask?

I would only be offended if it was close family or someone who I regard as a close friend.
However, I went to an wedding a few weeks ago ( evening invite). I didn't have an issue with it until I found out that there wasn't enough food and you had to pay for your own drinks. Paying for you own drinks may be the norm in some cultures , but dh is Spanish and it is seen as rude to invite someone to a wedding and expect them to pay for drinks.
As long as the evening guest are catered for I have no problem with evening invitations