To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

We were invited to a wedding many years ago now, the ceremony and reception then the bride and groom left the building to go into town for a meal and dance with their select friends.

We were left wondering at 7pm what to do!

Hell no I wouldn't be offended! Have been invited to many wedding receptions and not been to the ceremony. I don't think any reasonable person would be upset by that! Most people understand that people are restricted by the venue or their budget for how many people they can have at the full day. And to be honest, a lot of people prefer to just come to the reception to party and skip the formal stuff!

I host 80-100 weddings a year. Of those I'd say only 10% invite guests to the whole day.
Day guests plus extras for the evening is very much the norm.

I couldn't think of anything worse than being inappropriately invited to the whole day of someone's wedding I was not close to. It's an intimate day and a big deal, not for every Tom dick and Harry ! The evening is a different kettle imo and great for a good party with people you enjoy spending time with and want to celebrate with.

'Don't send out save the dates tell your evening guests to book accommodation a year in advance and only reveal their evening only status when the formal invitations are posted out a few weeks in advance of the big day, especially if kids are not invited. This happened to us and we couldn't go as we had no childcare, and lost some of the money we had paid upfront for travel and accommodation. I found that pretty thoughtless behaviour.'

That is very rude!

Only once I received an evening-only invite, I wasn't offended but when I arrived there I realised she invited another girl who I introduced her to and was never close to, to the all day event. Ouch! I didn't leave the present I bought, I left just the flowers and the card and I left as soon as I could. Not in touch with the bride anymore ;(

BackforGood

I think you mean irate. We're not dry cake mixtures.

My parents had a wedding breakfast in 1962. A "sit down meal" is very traditional. The concept of an evening reception/evening guests only is less so.

What's offensive about an evening invite. I view them as 'you're someone I regard as a friend but not necessarily a close personal friend'
TheSnorkMaidenReturns, I'd actually find that quite offensive a 'someone's dropped out and so we're using you to make up numbers and fill in the gap at the table'

Jigoku - www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/aerated - perfectly acceptable to use in the way Backforgood did.

I think it's fine if it's a local jolly group like work colleagues or sports friends. Not if its one of a group, or someone who considers you a close friend or people who have to travel.

Thinking about it Dh and I have never been evening guests though we were once guest numbers 499 and 500 at Dh work colleagues wedding. Incredible they were super rich - the wedding was in a country we wanted to go on holiday to anyway. When we got there it emerged the work colleague was a member of the country's super elite and her uncle was the president. Amazing experience!

Kent1986 you've hit the nail on the head. Your advice is ace - and positive. I'm only an onlooker here (I organised my wedding a year ago and it was so much fun, but quite hectic) but I find it worrying how much of a loaded thing it can become. A wedding is simply about happiness (and the solemn vows) - it should be as happy as possible. All stress and worries, minimal or nil. I organised our wedding on a budget and we decided that the whole thing should be a pleasure - and it was...
It's all positive, receiving any sort of invite is a positive thing and it worries me that people feel such obligation and anxiety about THEIR wedding. It's about happiness...
Plus, I've been invited to loads of evening dos and it's so lovely!! I'm quite shy really and it is uncomfortable if you feel you've been invited to the intimate ceremony when you're not immediate family or very close friend - evening dos are when everybody lets their hair down and wider celebration happens.
I'm new to mumsnet - am I actually replying properly? I haven't figured out how to reply directly to a post yet!!

Usually fine. Only a pain if you aren't local, as travelling to get to the church, then hanging about for a few hours before the evening part, then getting a sausage roll, does suck. But I am odd and think I wouldn't go to the party bit if I hadn't been to the actual important bit, you know, the wedding. Seems strange to me but plenty are happy to just do the evening party and not the church so no loitering involved.

Anyhow, very normal and no one would be offended.

Garden that's lovely and it should be positive but to make it like that for everyone requires careful thought, otherwise it can come off as entitled and a bit selfish, especially if you're asking people to fork out lots of money (that they may not be able to afford) or make big sacrifices (travel, stay away from their kids etc) to make it all lovely and positive for you.

If consideration is given then it can work but a lot of evening guests end up as after thoughts hence no food and buy your own drink.

Just for a touch of foreign colour... In the French culture there are various options, all acceptable (in fact the French for invitation is not invitation, it's more 'announcement').

Service only (you send these to maybe 400 people in total, says where the ceremony will take place, basically an announcement the wedding will happen. You are welcome to turn up to the church, are expected to send a message of congratulations, some people send presents! Suits capital cities where people can pop into the church.)

Then the above+ various separate cards for all the options below.

Cocktail - you are invited to the champagne reception after the churchy bit. Lasts about 2 hours, large quantities of champagne and canapés are consumed.

Dinner - you are invited to the dinner also.

Dance - you are invited to the dance and supper (these aren't that common that I've seen)

Sunday - you are invited to join the relaxed lunch on the Sunday following the wedding.

If you get cocktail + dinner + dance + sunday, then you're the inner circle.

The French don't seem to get bothered by it. But then again they invite people for coffee after lunch (not lunch, just the coffee bit!), or the aperitif in the evening and then kick you out before supper starts!

More practically, we used the dance invitations for local friends, colleagues, and the children of some friends from further afield, when we hadn't got space to invite the whole family. Most people accepted and seemed very happy. Free bar, wedding cake and non-stop champagne probably soothed any niggles. Also we had reels, so more of an event than just a disco, and they all joined us for the relaxed lunch on Sunday.

We upgraded a few people at last minute. They seemed delighted, and we were really happy as actually we'd have preferred to invite them to the whole thing anyway, but family politics/numbers meant we couldn't.

and this is why i want to elope

Personally, if you are having a fair sized wedding, it feels to me a bit like grouping the guests into categories of important and not as important. I think the only time this feels ok to me is if you were having a very small ceremony and meal with close family only and a larger party afterwards. If I wanted to invite someone to my wedding, I would want them there for the whole day, not just a part of it, but I realise I may be in the minority with my views.

Personal no I wouldn't. Have had a few evening only invites and total understand with finanical costs, family number etc you can't always manage having everyone for the full day.

If your MIL is willing to pay for the guess to come to the day fine otherwise not her business.

Weddings always involve ranking friends though, if not into day and evening then into invited and not invited. The alternative to evening only invites is generally not being invited at all (assuming the couple have already hit maximum budget for the daytime meal), would the people who object to evening invites prefer not to be invited at all? It seems perverse.

It depends how it's done. A small reception with just family (30ish) and then 70 in the evening? Fine. The evening is the main party and all is ok. 70 to the meal and 15 or so in the evening? Not so much.

We went to an evening do of a friend of DH. Most people had been drinking all day and were drunk and well settled. A dozen of us arrived and had to buy exorbitantly priced drinks while the DJ tried to persuade people to dance. Everyone carried on talking to everyone they had been sitting with all day and it was hard to break in when you were sober and without a seat! After an hour I feigned headache and we went home. I doubt anyone noticed. Same at DS's wedding when evening guests arrived. Nowhere to sit, everyone a bit jaded.

DSis, not DS!

It's the expectation of a present that bugs me as well as the 'Second best' feeling. By all means have a party to celebrate the wedding but don't tag it onto the reception as a kind of sop for 'not close enough/not so good friends / any other bod', with no food and buy your own drinks at exorbitant prices.

And yes, I probably would prefer not to be invited at all if it also involved extra expense of accommodation, travel etc.

I have spent all my adult life in Spain rather than the UK where there is no such thing as tiered weddings, if you are invited you are invited to everything, oh and there's always a free bar, you NEVER pay for anything at a wedding.
I find the whole inviting people to different bits utterly baffling and I think it's rude.

Or just forget the whole thing, elope and save a whole lot of cash!

DH and I took a cancellation at the registry office, went to M&S and Asda evening before for food, I got a suit from Wallis, and we had just family and some of his work colleagues round to DH's house. Total cost about £100. This was in 1991 and we're still together.

It's not always possible to fit everybody in for the dinner but evening has less tables etc. We had 90 to the day but 160 to the evening some of which were parents friends and nobody I'm aware of said anything bad but we're happy to be invited.