To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

(Obviously it's possible to devline an invitation in a rude manner, but just the act of declining itself isn't automatically rude IYSWIM)

In Prob totally in the minority' and not rtft but I'd rather be invited to evenin only for a piss up and a dance than the whole thing. But then I don't really understand the appeal of weddings

The only time I felt a bit miffed with an evening invite was when it arrived, then two weeks later we got a day invite (clearly filling in off the 'reserve' list, as someone else couldn't make it). If we'd just received them both together (or just the evening do), I wouldn't have been.

I wouldn't mind an evening do if it was local. We did turn down an invitation to one that was 200 miles away and would have involved childcare for DD1 who I was breastfeeding.

I'd be thrilled to get an evening invite.

I hate weddings with a passion and hate being invited to the whole day. It's usually about 14 hours of my life I'll never get back even. If there's travelling involved you can up that 14 hours of course. Then there's the expense of a present, the travel, possibly a night in a hotel, a dog sitter, something appropriate to wear. Ugh no.

But a disco where I can rock up at 8pm, get a buffet, have a boogie and be away by 11pm. Yes please.

Good post Tragically.

That's because you're a sole agent Ken?

We had an evening only invite to a friends wedding .. It was in the uk. We lived in Australia !!

bit peeved though as husband had been guest at his first wedding, witness at his second and best man at the third. So demoted on the 4th.

Rafflesway just decline it. Use the reasons you've given and if you are worried about declining just pop over after the wedding with a card and a bottle to share.

Day or night it's an invite not a summons. People shouldn't get annoyed either way.

Your wedding your choice about how to do the day.

When I get any invite I can choose if I accept it or not, I wouldn't make that choice based on how you'd feel about that.

I really dislike being outright asked for money though. I really dislike it, especially when there's a 'mini moon' then a honeymoon next year.

I've only been invited to the "evening do" of a wedding once.

I'll admit I was a bit miffed, because:

• it was 2 hours away and we'd have needed to drive down and book accommodation/taxis etc, so would have cost a lot

• most of the rest of our group of friends was invited to the whole thing

• I'd already lost £100s on long haul flights to her first wedding that she cancelled last minute

In some ways I'd rather not have been invited at all. Getting an evening invite made me feel guilty for turning down the invitation, and it also somehow feels more hierarchical than just leaving some people out altogether?

I don't think it's at all rude, it's the party part and most people can't accommodate everyone they know to the whole day bit.
I wouldn't be in the least bit offended.

I think it depends.

My wedding - small ceremony & meal during the day, then an evening party with 160 guests. Two totally separate events, with 2 hours in between. No way could we afford a whole day for 160. Our day time was immediate family and 6 friends (+ partners/spouses) each. The vast majority only came in the evening. We did speeches and cake cutting in the evening so it felt like a wedding rather than just a party. Also laid on a big buffet with hot & cold food.

Bit different to inviting 100 people all day, and then only 10 extras to the evening.

but no way I'd invite someone from Australia to the evening only part!!!!

You can't invite everyone to day unless very rich

It depends what type of adding you have.

When I was growing up there was no sit down meal. It was a buffet leading into the evening do. All were invited.

I did it somewhat different anyway.

DH and I went abroad and got married on our own. I hated the idea of being centre of attention etc and DH wanted a small, no fuss affair.

However, a couple of family members were upset by this. So we compromised. On return we had a blessing in church followed by a reception. Everyone was invited if they wanted to come - ceremony and evening. Ceremony was at 3pm. Evening do started from about 5pm - there was no sit down meal, just a buffet. It was informal in that there was no seating plan, no speeches, no first dances, no official gift list (we gave people ideas if they asked specifically), no official photographer. However, there was food, a pay for your own bar (after initial greeting drink), 3 separate rooms to use (bar, quieter room where buffet was, third room with music), live band and disco.

It was relaxed and everyone (appeared to and said so) had a good time. We had around 80 come to the church - not bad for a Friday work day, though out of term time - and then about 120 came in the evening after work.

My 'special' days didn't feel any less special because there was no fancy sit down meal, or because we had spent a small fortune.

rafflesway are any other neighbours going so can all share a minibus?

We did that for a friends evening do. Was around an hour each way and think. Eyes. 4couoke so 8 it was £15pp so £30 per couple

I thought it was normal to have an evening guest list as well as daytime. Normally you'd invite work colleagues and not so close friends to the evening do's.

When it comes to family though it's difficult as I can see why they would be offended. We were only invited to the evening do of DP's cousin and baring in mind hers and her husband's family aren't that big it got a few people's backs up.

I'm wondering if I know you! We've received an invite to my cousins wedding (evening only, no children) we live 5 hours drive away and would have to pay out for hotel etc etc. We won't be going as its not really the done thing to invite people from so far away to hang around for several hours in between ceremony and evening do, I think it's a tad rude however it's their wedding so that's cool and I'd never dream of saying anything. However, I do feel bad for my mum who is the aunt and only invited to evening!

As long as evening invites are all for local people not far away, I don think it's as bad.

Persobally I just intivire 120 to my wedding and had a late ceremony and just a buffet so we could afford it. The only people who got an just an evening incite were work colleagues as I had only just started a new job and we couldn't fit any more at the ceremony they were crammed in like sardines at it was but I wanted as many people to see the ceremony as possible. I think it is up to you what you want. People should be grateful for an invite and if they care about you they will respect your wishes. However a good friend got married at Gretna with close family and I wish I could have had the opportunity to be there, I would have gladly paid my own expenses.

When did big sit down meals become a requirement? I'm English but don't remember any weddings growing up that had two associated events or that took the whole day. Everyone went to the church and then to the reception, which was usually a buffet in a hall or garden. The church was generally the bride's parents local and the reception was somewhere nearby.

People who got married in a registry office just had the party as registry offices are small and not really very nice, but very few people used them anyway - I can only remember one or two, and they had a bit of a ceremony at their parties, as that's the event that mattered to them. Numbers weren't huge. I imagine the cost must have been a great deal less than the all day bonanzas that people seem (at least on mumsnet) go in for. If the party is the best bit why bother with the expensive sit down meal at all? We had a later afternoon wedding and then a party, it worked really well.

nooka Mon 10-Oct-16 19:40:36
When did big sit down meals become a requirement? I'm English but don't remember any weddings growing up that had two associated events or that took the whole day. Everyone went to the church and then to the reception, which was usually a buffet in a hall or garden. The church was generally the bride's parents local and the reception was somewhere nearby.

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Nooka, snap! They were here - all the way through the 70s and into the 80s. First proper sit down meal one was probably a friend's wedding after university - so mid 90s.

I would never be offended as long as you were upfront about it. It's not just about hurt feelings but logistics too. Don't send out save the dates tell your evening guests to book accommodation a year in advance and only reveal their evening only status when the formal invitations are posted out a few weeks in advance of the big day, especially if kids are not invited. This happened to us and we couldn't go as we had no childcare, and lost some of the money we had paid upfront for travel and accommodation. I found that pretty thoughtless behaviour.