To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

I love evening invites. I have 50 cousins, so have attended a lot of evening parties. I don't feel I'm only invited to bring a present. I'm invited to bring energy and almighty craic.

i think if you are from a wealthy background, you could think how rude as you haven't had to cut the cloth so finely. Some people are nit in such as fortunate position.

I'm far from being from a wealthy background but surely when money is tight you wouldn't be inviting extra evening guests who you aren't even close enough to to want at the ceremony? Unless you mean that people short on cash need extra guests to pay for the honeymoon? In which case I would say go somewhere cheaper or save up for longer!

Hmm. drove 200 miles to one "evening only" do where, we were bunged on a table in the corner of a tent, with some long lost step-relatives of the bride and the food still hadn't turned up at 10.30pm, when we were asked to drive an elderly relative home! The bride never came over to see us as she spent the whole evening with her friends. She has never thanked us for the £100 we gave them either. Glad it rained all day really

bumsex what is your obsession with evening guests paying for the honeymoon?

I don't think it is a money thing. I think it is a 'wide social circle' thing
I'm pretty sure Wills and Kate had evening guests at their wedding?

A lot of people have friends who they know and like well enough to want to have drinks and dances with but wouldn't necessarily want her for the whole day.
A lot of people like their colleagues and friends well enough to want to go along and have drinks and a dance with them but not necessarily want to sit through a ceremony where they don't understand the relevance of why those hymns and readings have been chosen.

Some people can't get their heads around guests being anything other than gift providers.

I just don't get wanting to share any part of your day with people you know casually. It's not a work lunch at Wetherspoons where a group email has to go around. It's your wedding! And no-one I have ever met in RL is delighted to be afforded the chance to buy an outfit, a gift and possibly travel/pay overnight accommodation for the chance to sit and hear about what a lovely ceremony they weren't invited to and eat luke warm sausage rolls.. People tend to go out of obligation so if you are too hard up to invite people properly (or you don't really know them) I just wouldn't bother. I guess we will have to agree to disagree.

It's not just casual acquaintances DH had played football two/three times a week for a number of years with most of the football team who came to our wedding. The few who were actually close friends came to the wedding with their partners; the rest came in the evening. They were much more than acquaintances but not close enough that you want to search for a venue that will take 30 more people, the vast majority of whom I had never met. These people are perfect "evening guest" folks - they wouldn't have wanted to take the day off work to be there for the whole thing; they lived locally so no issues with travel / hotel; and what they really wanted to do was share a beer with DH to wish him well.

Is that really so hard for people to understand? Just because you might not personally have these sorts of people in your life, surely you can see how there are people who fit in between "so important that they have to be there to see the ceremony and speeches" and "it would be lovely to spend some time with them to help celebrate the wedding"?

Not insulted going to an evening reception

You can't invite everyone to day unless very rich

I do expect a buffet tho as often start at 7/730 and if traveled to get there then Likely to have left home 6/630 and would be needing food sometime in evening - sarnie sausage roll etc. Nothing flash

Plus most people who are at the all day event prob got fed 4/5ish and rarely eat the buffet so only cater for evening guests

You can have a drink with someone any time without making them feel obliged to buy you an expensive gift/pay towards your honeymoon. Not saying that's what you did (and it doesn't seem like the op is intending to) but that's what a lot of people do.
Though to be honest if my dh played a team sport 3 times a week with people for years I would probably have looked for somewhere that could accommodate them for the whole thing and let them decide if they wanted to take the day off!

You can't invite everyone to day unless very rich

This logic is also very strange. Do you know what's even better for your budget, if that's really the issue? Not inviting extra guests to an evening party.

If you own a dress or trousers and blouse, you don't need to buy an outfit. You don't have to pay for overnight accomodation. You don't even have to go. I have never met anyone who felt "obliged" to attend an evening party.

And you don't have to buy a gift. Although I do buy a very nice card and a £20 voucher.

I see the professionally offended are still posting on here. They must be hard work.

The people I work with and play sport with are very lovely acquaintances, but I wouldn't be expecting them to invite me to their wedding.

I would rather go for a drink with them in the pub and wish them well for their biggest day or see them afterwards and have a peep at the lively photographs.
Going to a disco with an already ongoing party and standing there with other colleagues whom are acquaintances, not friends is my idea of hell after the previous experience, therefore I would decline anyway.

To me, and it appears all my friends and colleagues as well ,the evening do is a good excuse for a good old party..... And why not?
What s wrong with throwing a party and having a good time.

I prefer the evening do to than being there all day, it's the fun bit.
And as other people have said you don't have to buy a new outfit. You don't have to spend a fortune getting your hair done etc. Sometimes I do as an excuse for some new clothes but often I have my favourite clothes that I love an excuse to wear. If the couple aren't close family or friends you are not obliged to spend a wage packet on a present. The norm where I live is a Debenhams gift voucher.

Everybody can't be the centre of everyons world so sometimes you won't be considered close family and friends but people can still like and love you enough to ask you to join in the fun.

If people want to cut there noses off too spite their faces, crack on!

Life is too flipping short to have the type of snobbery where you exclude yourself from a do unless there are exceptional circumstances.

I'm not sure it's cutting off your nose off to spite your face when attending the evening do would have cost us £500 plus to just attend! Lots of travel, overnight and no food!

That's what we've just been invited to do, oh that and provide a cash gift as well. So not sure where the snobbery or sense of entitlement lies

It would be cheaper for us to hire the inevitable Disco Dave DJ and have a party at our own house we would definitely provide food and drink too!

I'm not sure it's cutting off your nose off to spite your face when attending the evening do would have cost us £500 plus to just attend! Lots of travel, overnight and no food

Ok every case is unique I guess but I did finish my post saying unless there as exceptional circumstances. Travelling, overnight accomadation, gifts ,no food wouldn't entice me to do either.

This type of wedding doesn't apply to everyone on here has had a shudder at being an evening do invitee!
A local event of someone that has invited you who you like and arefriendly with, why not go along for the shin dig,?

All the weddings around where I life tend to be formal day do's and a meal for close family and a few friends and then a free for all party at night time with spud pie or cheese and onion pie and peas.
There are no expectations except to enjoy yourself.

To be honest I can't see much wrong in that. If anyone wants to stay sat at home sniffing 'well, if I'm not good enough for the day do...........' crack on!

We didn't have evening guests on the basis that we worked out who we wanted to invite and how much budget we had then planned a wedding which accommodated both guests and budget.

I find the 2 tier system just odd and I have felt offended to "only" be an evening guest. When deciding whether to attend I've looked at whether I value the friendship or not, and attended or not accordingly. With the best will in the world it is not very nice to turn up to an event in full swing missing the ceremony, speeches etc, the soul of the event if you like, and having to try and join in.

I accept not everyone sees it that way though.

The most offended I've been though was husband invited on stag do, no invite to wedding then a text a week before saying a space had opened up at the main event if we were interested. Um, no thanks.

Part of the reason we had evening guests was because we got married in a tiny chapel (personal connection, requiring an Archbishop's Licence).

Local=fine
Not local= not fine

I think this is generally how I feel about things. We've gone to evening dos for people from the club we belong to, work colleagues, etc. You might stretch "local" for colleagues because you might live in opposite directions from work, but certainly you wouldn't need to stay over.

In my world, evening guests aren't expected to bring a present. Maybe chip into a joint one (esp if colleagues where that might be happening anyway) but not actually bring a toaster/cheque. You get provided with a bit of a buffet but not a full meal, and you buy your drinks at the bar. It's like being invited to a party at a venue - who'd have thought - rather than being hosted precisely.

I've never minded socialising with colleagues. Some of my best nights out have been with colleagues. When you work somewhere for years you see them an awful lot and know their joys and woes.

Evening invites are fine if they're done right. The rules we followed were:
Put food on for evening guests - doesn't have to be fancy, cold buffet / bacon sarnies fine.
Start the evening portion on time - 15-20 mins overrun is forgivable, any more is just rude.
Greet your evening guests, they've come to see you.
Make it crystal clear on the invite that it's an evening invite to avoid embarrassment.
Don't do Facebook invites or Save the Dates to the wedding for evening guests - they may assume a full invite and book hotels etc and be upset when the evening invite drops onto the mat.

This is all from bitter experience!!!
I got a Facebook invite from someone I was pretty close to, and was very excited to be invited. It was about 150miles away, so just assumed a full invite (first mistake!). Booked a hotel for the night.
When the invite came, it was worded a bit oddly, something like 'attend the marriage of X and X at 2pm, followed by an afternoon tea, then later on drinks and dancing'.
On the day we arrived for the ceremony, and there was tea and cake in the church hall after. We headed back to the hotel to check in, and went down for drinks reception. When dinner was called we went in with all the guests, and when we got to the end of the receiving line the bridge and groom told us very apologetically that we weren't invited for food, and there wasn't a seat for us!!
I have literally never been so embarrassed, we'd received an evening invite and not realised!!
Even worse, no restaurant otherwise in hotel, so no food. Day do overran til 9pm, with no food put on. Why the hell they thought evening guests were suitable I have NO IDEA. God I'm blushing again just thinking about it.

When did weddings become about people other than the intended couple?

This recently happened with a family member. I wasn't particularly upset because we'd grown up and apart, but my sister really was because the family are quite tightknit and my sister makes sure she does for everyone. Apparently we were invited to the evening simply because we're second cousins (though my father is her godfather and was walking her down the aisle which was a bit strange, even though her father is alive ahem).

What my cousin should have done was contact those she was close to but couldn't afford to feed and explain to them how it was going to be. As I said I couldn't care less. I'm happy she is happy, but I do think she had opportunities to let us know we didn't make the cut - so to speak -. But then on reflection, we would have known if we were more involved in her wedding prep wouldn't we.

Some care some don't even in the same family. My advice, you do you.

Wouldn't bother me. It's an honour to be invited to be part of a wedding - whether it be all day or evening only.

frizzfactor
When did weddings become about people other than the intended couple?

Always They are usually about the joining of two families and celebrations within the community. In just about every culture it's so.

My parents live in north Scotland and got an evening-only invitation to my cousin's son's wedding in the south of England. And yes, a request for money was included. My parents were offended and politely declined.

For local people, like neighbours, work friends, second cousins, etc. evening-only invitations are fine.

frizzfactor

what makes you think weddings are about the couple? Marriage is about the couple weddings are about pretty much everyone else.

Nessa oh my giddy aunt. How embarrassing, for all of you.

Nessa that's awful. Two-part invitations are acceptable in some circumstances but only if the guests know what they are.

Some chatty insert about where the guests can go during the hiatus is a good hint!!