To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

If you can't afford to have all your guests for the whole thing then you haven't finished saving for your wedding and are doing it on the cheap imo.

sparechange the guests that you aren't even bothered about seeing you actually get married can be bumped off altogether. No need for a half arsed invitation to the end of the day or to invite people you hardly know to the whole day.

It's never bothered me if I've received an evening invitation rather than a full day one, because it's generally been for a distant relative, colleague or casual friend BUT we've recently been given an evening invitation for a close relative who is having quite a large wedding (120 daytime guests). Apart from her immediate family (mother and stepfather, grandmother and brother and his wife) she's only invited four other family members to the ceremony and meal. Her brother had a similarly sized wedding and invited fourteen of us to the whole day. It feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth because friends have taken precedence over close family.

The venue is an hour away. We went to a friend's wedding there a few weeks ago, evening only, and I'm not sure if I can be bothered to go that far again to queue for 20 minutes to get a drink at an over-priced bar and then stand in line again for a hotdog.

Hi LucyLot - I feel for you. Wedding lists are ever so stressful (or they can be). Please don't worry - it's all YOUR decision and everybody is cool. Everybody understands. Don't worry, be happy!!

Well this thread fills me with dread!

Our venue can only hold 50 inc us as a family of five and after family have been taken in to account there's not enough room for all our friends.

We can't afford anything else really. Everywhere else want thousands, ours is in the registry office, nout fancy.

Worrying I'm pissing people off now..

passmethewineplease no matter what you do or how you do it, you will piss someone off. My friend and his dw were not at all zilla like and were too accommodating. Still guests complained: 1 about the lack of space for her two week sex partner (despite being the only one in the group who would have had a plus one anyway if he'd been a proper partner) and 1 about a lack of flip flops provided.

Just do what you plan and if people moan then they moan.

passmethewineplease, as you can see, the norms on this vary on this - but you likely already know what is the norm amongst the people you are inviting. So if the people you know when they got married tended to give evening invites / had a wedding list / AN Other MN-point-of-contention then these are your norms, and you need not worry what randomers on the internet expect in their social circles - so crack on, worry not and enjoy!!

*If you can't afford to have all your guests for the whole thing then you haven't finished saving for your wedding and are doing it on the cheap

And if you can easily afford it, but know there are some people that you like enough to spend £200 on feeding, and others who you like enough to spend £50 of bar bill on?

I've been both those people, and I'm totally fine with it. I'm not so arrogant to think I have to be on someone's inner circle or be nothing at all.
These principaled evening invitation refusers must be crippelingly socially insecure

Bowiefan the OP asked a question and I gave my reason why I consider evening invites to be cold.

Why does there have to be a sit down meal? There's a lot of 'the venue won't hold 150 for a sit down meal', then don't have the sit down meal. Have another format of a wedding that the identikit church/hotel/speeches/meal and then disco for the B listers with paying bar and sausage roll.

'would you go to a reception/party to celebrate when a couple have been married abroad? Or is that boring/rude for you as well?'

I find that silly, tbh, so would probably decline. I mean, you got married abroad. Job's done.

I just had guests I was close enough to to want at my wedding and those who weren't. If they aren't worth the cost of the meal why invite them to the most important day if your life? For the gifts? To make up numbers? I'm genuinely puzzled as why you would think of someone as not being worth the cost of a meal yet want them at (part of) your wedding.

If you can't afford to have all your guests for the whole thing then you haven't finished saving for your wedding and are doing it on the cheap

Hilarious!!

I'm genuinely puzzled as why you would think of someone as not being worth the cost of a meal yet want them at (part of) your wedding.

Different folks, different strokes.

I bloody loved my wedding reception. It was much more fun dancing and drinking and talking to friends. There were friends who I like to dance and drink and talk with.

I personally feel a bit uncomfortable when I get an invitation to a wedding of someone I don't know very well. It makes me wonder if they are a bit low on friends, or it's a one-sided friendship, or they owe me something I don't know about.
I'd much rather have the evening invitation for the fun than have to play up how I know the bride and groom when asked at the table

Do people really only have one circle of close friends, without an extra layer of friends that are a bit more distant?

The people who came to our wedding just for the evening were predominantly colleagues who lived locally and people DH played sport with. It's mind boggling to think that we should have saved for another few years, or used a village hall and asked everyone to bring a pot luck dish in order to be able to include the goal keeper and his wife in the whole day .

I'm 100% certain that they weren't offended by an evening only invite, and were just pleased to come and have a drink with us later on in the day. (We also got married on a week day - I doubt they would have wanted to use a day's leave to come to our wedding, even if they could have got the time off.) The alternative was to not invite them at all, which seems ruder to me TBH.

The issue I have with evening invites is when granny only gets an evening invite, or the bride's best friend from school and godmother to her children is left out. Provided the guest list is sensitively drawn up, and decent food / drink put on for the later arrivals, I have no problem with evening events.

What colleagues are usually interested in: what the dress looks like, what the venue looks like, are the best men/bridesdmaids single/hot. Havin a bit of a drink and dance with workmates without commiting to a whole day event' Can tick all that off with evening invite

What your BFFever and family are interested in: your dads nostalgic speech about what a pickle you were when you were 3, your vows because "he/she makes you so much happier than any of your exes ever did", the meaning of the table names, all the "emosh" stuff…

People sometimes just want to get married, and are not well off enough to pay a great deal to get married.

People often want extra guests, such as mums best friend. Not known to the bride and groom very well. Why should bride and groom pay for an expensive meal in that situation.

Exactly Olennas
I'm beginning to realise that there must be some MNers who actually don't have friends that they'd like to invite to a party - as you say, colleagues, folks you play sport with or sing with or are in a book club with or do some other hobby or volunteering with....... people at this level of friendship (IME) don't expect to be invited to the whole day, but will still enjoy a party in the evening, to help celebrate your happiness.
Only on MN would someone be offended at a friend inviting them to a party

Our venue can only hold 50 inc us as a family of five and after family have been taken in to account there's not enough room for all our friends.

I'd suggest saying to people "we've decided to have a small wedding so it will be nearly all family". They'll get the picture and I'm sure it wouldn't offend anyone.

I wouldn't go to any of the wedding of someone I didn't know very well. Not sure why people would invite those they don't know well other than for the cash or present
I'd sooner have an evening out with people I know and like at a venue of my choosing but each to their own.

bumsex, you and expat sound so cynical and eyerolly about weddings that I'm starting to think most people would be relieved that you have such long lists of reasons you will turn down invitations

I can't imagine you bring much to the party with such a negative attitude about every single aspect

'bumsex, you and expat sound so cynical and eyerolly about weddings that I'm starting to think most people would be relieved that you have such long lists of reasons you will turn down invitations

I can't imagine you bring much to the party with such a negative attitude about every single aspect'

The OP asked a question. People answered. You disagree but instead of saying that you get personal. Says more about you than anything else. I'd never heard of evening do's until I moved to the UK. They are considered shockingly rude where I'm from when people hear about them. Some people like them and some don't.

You're right. Because i don't agree with 2 tier weddings I'm an awful person that no-one wants to be around. Maybe someone might let me eat the scraps off the buffet when their second tier guests have left.....if I'm lucky

One of my colleagues got married recently. She sent an invite to the whole shift. Those who went had an absolute ball. They were there for the party and dancing not one of them felt like second class citizens only being invited to the evening do

bumsex - who is talking about going to the wedding of someone you don't know well ? We are talking about going to a party, in the evening, or somone you like, and spend {probably} weekly or twice weekly time with at training and matches,,,,, or rehearsals and concerts.....or weekly volunteering..... or even daily at work.

Actually, I have been to a few weddings of people I don't really know, as my dh's wife. Once again, a 'norm' in my life, that you invite both halves of a couple, even if you don't know the spouse well yourself.

sparechange said they would be uncomfortable to get a full day invitation from someone they didn't know well but an evening one would be ok. I replied saying I wouldn't want to go to any of a wedding if I didn't know the couple well. Nor did I invite acquaintances to any of the day at my own wedding. Instead I catered well for the people that matter to me.