To ask why evening invitations to weddings are considered rude/ cold?

[LucyLot]

I am getting married at Christmas time. We can have 140 guests to the full day but both have large ish families and actually there are a lot of people we want to invite but can't afford to have at the full meal so we have had to go through the list and we have an additional 40 or so we are inviting to the evening do.

This number includes some cousins, work friends etc. We still really value these people we just had to draw the line somewhere. MIL seems to think offering an evening invitation is an insult. We are only giving people evening invitations of they live locally (in the same city).

Personally I don't see the problem- we will be inviting them to a party with a hot buffet, cake and some free champagne, what's wrong with that! We are not asking for gifts.

Would anyone here be offended to receive an evening invitation?

Surely it would be cheaper to just not invite the people you don't consider important enough to actually see you get married to any of it TaterTots

And I have organised and paid for my own register wedding. The people I wanted there were invited to share the whole day. I didn't invite acquaintances to the most important day of my life. No present list/requests for cash either.

Tater I think the point is the compromise to cut costs should be made elsewhere- food should be Shepherd's Pie not Roast Beef, drinks should be Prosecco not Champagne, venue should be community hall not hotel etc, rather than compromising on how many people come to what part of it.

Like bumsex we only invited close friends and family and tgey were invited to the whole day. No gift request, we wanted our loved ones to enjoy our special day.

I've been to an evening part of a wedding, it was a bit of a none event that. Lots of people sat around trying to talk at a disco with small dc dancing. Most guests were in the bar continuing to drink and talking.

I have declined other evening wedding discos since as it's just seemed disjointedness

The best weddings I've been to have been just one main event without separated parts or two guest lists. One was a wedding late in the day, a lovely simple meal catered for in a village hall and followed by a jazz band. Plenty of sparkly was served and then wine and beer. After the jazz band we had karaoke, it was a lovely knees up with everyone joining in a good celebration.

Surely it would be cheaper to just not invite the people you don't consider important enough to actually see you get married to any of it TaterTots

Cheaper, yes. But if we're talking rudeness, isn't 'no invite full stop' more likely to make people feel second day best than an evening only invite?

I don't find evening invites offensive but recently I had one and when I turned up it was obvious that I was the only person who had been invited to come later and had turned up. I felt so awkward and after one brief chat with the B&G they were off having fun with closer friends/family and I didn't know what to do with myself as I only knew one other couple. Was glad to leave!

If they are extra people you want to invite then you can save up to invite them to the full event. I think a half invitation is actually worse than none. No invitation can just be interpreted as you are having a small wedding. An evening invitation is a blatant 'we don't know you that well and don't really want you at the ceremony or to feed you but there's more room at the evening venue and we'd like an extra gift'.

I'm with LelloTeddy. Isn't the whole point of a wedding to see the ceremony?

I'm from another country where, if you had to have two lots of guests, everyone would be invited to the important part (seeing you get married) and then you'd split off the guests into reception vs only ceremony invitations.

But almost 100% of the time is invitation to ceremony = invitation to reception (wedding breakfast/evening do).

I may have taken leave of my senses here but bear with me;
I was under the distinct impression that people got married as a declaration of their love and commitment to building and entwining their lives together.
I wasn't aware that it was a prerequisite of such an occasion to piss off the least number of people.
Marriage is necessarily an extremely selfish endeavour. It is in totality about the two people who are getting married. In my very honest opinion they are not required to appease anybody when drawing up their guest list
To be affronted by the receipt of an evening invitation seems both wholly ridiculous and ever so slightly self aggrandising, by all means decline if your sensibilities are offended. Just don't expect anybody to pay credence to your reasons for doing so.

Ellen, you have hit the nail on the head here.

It is one day - out of what is hopefully going to be a long life and long term relationship - that is all about the marrying couple. One sodding day. If people are that offended to be invited why not just decline the invitation?

I'd rather not get an invite at all, I understand not everyone can be invited and that's that - no problem.

Invitation to an evening disco in a hotel with already drunk day guests isn't my bag so I would decline with a no thanks.

wrung that was awful of the couple, better not to invite you, than you being the only evening guest, how nasty! I would have walked straight out after that was apparent.

I was under the distinct impression that people got married as a declaration of their love and commitment to building and entwining their lives together

This is the bit I go to see and be part of celebrating.

A disco in a hotel with sausages isn't really anything to do with two people declaring their live for each other so I will decline.

Evening invites don't offend me! I guess I may be slightly upset if someone I considered a close friend invited me evening only (I'd quickly get over it!) but distant relatives/work colleagues etc I'd just be chuffed at an invite

If they are extra people you want to invite then you can save up to invite them to the full event.

It's not always about not having the budget to invite evening guests, evening invites suit better for colleagues etc. I could have afforded to day-invite them with a bit of a change of priorities, but I didn't want to because although they were at that point in time the people who I spent more time with than anyone else (including DH if you don't count sleeping hours) and they were all keen to come, I knew (rightly) that 10 years down the line I'ld probably only be in touch with a handful of them, but that didn't make them less important at the time.

I've been to a few evening-only weddings and not offended in the slightest.

In one case it was a work colleague and wedding was only 20 minutes from us, so travel not an issue; the other one was an old college friend who I am very fond of but hadn't seen for many years. It was a long way away but we stayed overnight with other friends.

Both were lovely events, and we enjoyed them a lot. I think it's absolutely fine to do this.

I know Aero! I believe another couple I know were invited to the evening and couldn't make it but like you say, it is quite rude. It was definitely awkward.

I think evening do's are quite sensible. That was colleagues, less close friends, distant relatives etc can still come along and celebrate whereas they might otherwise not have been invited at all.
I've been an evening guest at a lot of colleagues weddings in Scotland. Cash bar as well. No-one seemed to mind. I certainly didn't.
I can see however it would be deeply hurtful if only some of a group of friends were invited all day. And it probably is tricky deciding on the cut off point.

I've only twice been bothered by evening only invites. Once when I was the only one of our group of friends not invited to the ceremony and once when dnephew said the ceremony was child free only to find out that ours were the only dc excluded from it. We skipped both occasions but we weren't massively offended. I think dh was a bit hurt by dnephew though.

Op do evening invites, only if you put thought and consideration into the event, not make people think they are an add on. Include a complementary drink, decent food, allow enough time for the main do, so it does not run over and evening guests are left waiting a long while like lemons. Tgat is rude!

If you can't do that, don't bother!

Mabey leave tge cake cutting for the evening, so that all can enjoy that and have a bit of cake with you. B&G I spoke about earlier, talked of this wonderful cake which cost ££££££. As evening guests, we did not see it, cake cutting was at the main do, so it was cut and put away by the time evening guests arrived.

They are not rude, most people understand a the cost of weddings and b the friendship tier they are in. The only time they are rude is if one of the couple deliberating bumps the partners v close friend to a different tier.

Tater I think the point is the compromise to cut costs should be made elsewhere- food should be Shepherd's Pie not Roast Beef, drinks should be Prosecco not Champagne, venue should be community hall not hotel etc, rather than compromising on how many people come to what part of it.

But again, this assumes the starting point is a fancy wedding with room to cut costs. What if it was always going to be Shepherd's Pie in the village hall? Say you were lucky enough to do it at £25 a head. The extra 30 people it would apparently be too rude to only invite in the evening would cost you £750 - a lot if you're already having a cheap wedding. And that's assuming none of them have partners or kids they're expecting to bring.

So all those who will only go to a wedding to see the ceremony... would you go to a reception/party to celebrate when a couple have been married abroad? Or is that boring/rude for you as well?

Putting aside the MN obsession with having the cheapest prosecco-ist wedding possible, there aren't many venues which can accommodate 150+ guests for a sit down meal. OP is already up to 140 so even with all the skrimping in the world, it might not be possible to find anywhere which can squeeze in the extra tables