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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after pil when they're older.

82 replies

Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:27

Mil has said that when the time comes for them to need extra care they are going to move closer to us. We currently live 3hrs away from them.
They have never lived anywhere else from where they live now, they have all of their friends and my dh's sister lives there who she is much closer to.
They are in their 70s, my dm is in her 50s.
I am an only child, and live near my dm. I am expecting to look after her when she's older but that's a long way off.
AIBU to expect to look after pil, and then look after my dm?
My dh works away so most of the care would fall on me as I'll be around more.
Also, aibu to be even thinking about this?... pil are fairly healthy but it was mil bringing up the subject which has made me think more about it

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 08/10/2016 20:28

I don't think YABU personally

Original poster
Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:31

I just don't understand why they wouldn't stay where they are with all of their close friends. Sil is very close to them and I'm sure would be a much better candidate than me or dh.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 08/10/2016 20:31

My MIL used to make statements like this. Over the years I have managed to make it clear that my parents are my responsibility and they need to think again.

ScaredAboutTheFuture · 08/10/2016 20:32

Think you need to make it abundantly clear now that you will not be doing any caring for them.

Cynara · 08/10/2016 20:32

God no, YANBU. I could care for my own parents, but would be willing only to support DP in the care of his. No way would I be taking on the majority of the responsibility for them. You need to talk to your DH and make your position (whatever that is) clear from the outset.

WatchingFromTheWings · 08/10/2016 20:33

YANBU. You have your own life. By all means let them move closer so you can keep an eye out for them but I wouldn't want to be looking after elderly relatives myself....I work and have kids.

Perhaps you should make it clear to them before they move.

Original poster
Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:34

My dh isn't close to his dp at all. So I can't ever see him taking the role. But if he did I would support him for sure

OP posts:
Blodwengoch · 08/10/2016 20:35

Have they said they expect you to look after them? Make it abundantly clear to both your DH and them that it won't be happening.

Original poster
Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:36

That's the other thing watching our youngest is 2, and dh works away 1 month on, 1 month off. I don't think I'd have the time!

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 08/10/2016 20:37

How on earth did this conversation even come up? Did your MIL actually say to you "When I need extra care I'm moving closer to you so you can do it for us"

HelenaDove · 08/10/2016 20:37

I see this as a feminist issue because most of the expectations seem to fall on the daughter or DIL whether its parents or in-laws who need the care.

PacificOcean · 08/10/2016 20:38

YANBU. I find it irritating that you would be expected to take on this role rather than your DH.

Original poster
Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:38

Mil mentioned it in passing to me. I told dh and he said if they move uere then we'll just move. Not helpful but atleast I know where he stands on the issue.
There were no set plans so I'll wait for her to bring it up again and go from there

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 08/10/2016 20:38

What has your DH said about her comments on this.

FabFiveFreddie · 08/10/2016 20:39

Why can't your SIL look after them? Do you know for a fact that she won't? What's her DH's parents' set up? I'd be very annoyed if they are turning to you to spare their DD looking after her PIL and them.

I would be making it very clear that you expect to be caring for your DM. You also need your DH on board.

Having said all that, this is family and when push comes to shove we all need to do what has to be done, fait or unfair. It's all a long way away, who knows what might happen.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 08/10/2016 20:39

Send her some brochures of care homes close to where they currently live Grin

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 08/10/2016 20:40

Is she winding you up? It's the sort of thing I say to my kids, just to annoy them lol!

SailingThroughTime · 08/10/2016 20:40

YANBU to have a full and detailed discussion with DP about what you would and wouldn't do if the situation arises. He needs to say what he would and wouldn't do. You then need to get him to tell his parents what has been decided. There's a big difference between visiting and helping out with the garden and housework a couple of times a week and doing personal care tasks.
Everyone's boundaries need to be clear from the outset. This might well make them think again about moving at all.

Original poster
Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:40

That's exactly what she said thisisstarting in those exact words.

It also annoys me that she has said it to me and not to dh as it is a feminist issue. She's automatically expecting me to take the role over dh.
Dh won't do it as he was nc with them until the dc were born and even now when they visit or we visit it is purely for the dc.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 08/10/2016 20:41

You need to have a conversation with your DH and make it clear that if your Inlaws need care then it's down to him with minimal input from yourself , that way if they mention it again he can encourage them to stay near his sister .

greenfolder · 08/10/2016 20:41

I assume that dhs sister has told them she has no intention of looking after them!

Arfarfanarf · 08/10/2016 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillCounting123 · 08/10/2016 20:41

YANBU, but you might need to spell it out to PIL clearly.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 08/10/2016 20:42

How odd. Just ignore it.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/10/2016 20:43

I'd ask her exactly why she would move nearer you, as if you cannot possibly understand why. If she then says so your DH can care for them, then you tell her that he can't possibly do it as he works away and it certainly isn't your responsibility.

I think parents that expect their children to care for them are very selfish.

No way will I care for MIL nor would I be particularly happy about DH doing it either (not that I think he would). She made it clear her parenting days ended once her children were 18 so she can expect no help from us. The very very odd time we have asked for help (twice in 16 years and not hugely unreasonable requests) she said no. I don't forget things. She is selfish enough to probably expect it though.