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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after pil when they're older.

82 replies

Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:27

Mil has said that when the time comes for them to need extra care they are going to move closer to us. We currently live 3hrs away from them.
They have never lived anywhere else from where they live now, they have all of their friends and my dh's sister lives there who she is much closer to.
They are in their 70s, my dm is in her 50s.
I am an only child, and live near my dm. I am expecting to look after her when she's older but that's a long way off.
AIBU to expect to look after pil, and then look after my dm?
My dh works away so most of the care would fall on me as I'll be around more.
Also, aibu to be even thinking about this?... pil are fairly healthy but it was mil bringing up the subject which has made me think more about it

OP posts:
specialsubject · 08/10/2016 20:44

...so they fell out with their son and expect you to do care?

Er....no! Tell them that you are happy to help them put plansq in place (including power of attorney) but they need to budget for help. Might mean a downsize.

SailingThroughTime · 08/10/2016 20:45

Harry I think we might have the same MiL.Smile Did yours also tell your DH she was leaving everything to her complete waster 3rd DC?Shock

Original poster
Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:46

Yes fabfive I'm torn as I really will mot be cut out for it and just don't want to, but morally I feel like I should.
It's different when it's not your own parents. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with caring for them in a more personal way, and I know my dh wouldn't either.
SIL works fulltime and is 15 yrs old than I am, so I'm wondering if they are factors for pil. Also, they live in a big city wheras we live in a national park village which is very pretty and touristy, and renowned for elderly resident so wondering if this is on her mind too.

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/10/2016 20:46

Cross posted. I would have just laughed at those words and thought she was joking. If she then said she was serious, then I would have said jog on love it wasn't happening

SansasEscape · 08/10/2016 20:47

Don't worry about it too much now, but shut it down if they start to mention it frequently or making plans. Tell them, directly, like grown ups and expect them to have over-emotional reactions. Then tell them tough shit.

Original poster
Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:47

Yes arfarf if they are adamant about moving over here then yes that is the route I shall tKe

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/10/2016 20:48

Ha ha, no sailing. She only has 2 DC. And I'm not sure she has updated her Will since she has got divorced so at the moment DH and his sibling wouldn't be able to get anything until her exH passed away.

OhTheRoses · 08/10/2016 20:49

I once said to MIL it "was my duty to look after my mum as she had looked after her parents". She spat "I would never expect my daughters to look after me". (ahem your daughters moved to different continents as soon as they were old enough).

Soo, 10 years on. I'm an only, DH's sisters are abroad, FIL is dead. We have agreed, he takes his. I take mine.

If one they need extra there's a nice McCarthy and Stone development, six minute drive away; if they need more than that, some nice nursing homes in the other direction.

Original poster
Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:49

I think I need to forget about it for now and then deal with it of they mention it again. It is fresh in my head as they only asked a couple weeks ago and it's been festering

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2016 20:50

I would manage their expectations before they move. I do wonder what will happen to my fil when he isn't able to live by himself. He's coming up 80. He lives abroad and is foreign. I'm chronically ill so no chance I'd look after him. Dh is an only child.

user1471544305 · 08/10/2016 20:52

They aren't your responsibility they have a daughter or their are care homes or care staff that come out. Talk to your husband now so he is aware that you won't be taking responsibility for them

oleoleoleole · 08/10/2016 20:57

I think she's said it to get a reaction out of,you. If she says it again just go with it. If they're daft enough to move near you, which I doubt, then they'll have a nasty shock when they need the help they want and it's not forthcoming.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/10/2016 20:58

I think your DH needs to say something. It would be unkind to let them move closer and be relieved they'll have care for you to then move.

gillybeanz · 08/10/2016 20:58

Sailing

My mil too, she has moved already. No way will I get involved after the way dh was treated. Dh is a good man though and will end up doing more than he should. Sad

Andylion · 08/10/2016 21:00

I think I need to forget about it for now and then deal with it of they mention it again.

What if they don't mention it again until they have already begun the process of moving? Your MiL might be thinking , "Well, I told Dinosaur all about my plans......"

I think you need to be clear right now.

Blueskyrain · 08/10/2016 21:04

I don't think YOU should be taking responsibilty for their care, but equally, I don't think you should be taking sole responsibility for your mums care. As a couple, I think you should take care of your parents between you.

SailingThroughTime · 08/10/2016 21:04

Gilly that'd be hard for you to see. Mine has had his eyes opened by his fantastic therapistGrin
Sorry for the derail OP.

wobblywonderwoman · 08/10/2016 21:05

I would ignore it.. I think she is trying to wind you up. She know well dh has nothing to do with them.

It is a feminist issue. My elderly mil was in hospital for a fortnight and despite fil and younger son at home the washing was sent to me (one month old baby, toddler only 15months) I was fuming and made dh do it.

It sticks to my gut the sexism in this world Angry

jessica29054 · 08/10/2016 21:07

What care are they anticipating they will need?

BowieFan · 08/10/2016 21:08

I don't think YABU. We're lucky in that both our sets of parents are relatively healthy (in their 70s) and show no sign of slowing down. Even if they did need caring for, I know me and DP and our siblings would share responsibilities.

Having said that, I'm not sure why you're so against looking after them at all. I realise your DM is your responsibility but when you get into a relationship you have to have the reasonable expectation that one day you might have to help look after their parents.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2016 21:12

I think I need to forget about it for now and then deal with it of they mention it again.

I disagree, strongly! You and DH need to have a firm plan of action, and 'we'll move' is not a firm plan! You don't know what your own situation will be if and moving may not be an option if your DH was even serious. Why should you disrupt your life and move from somewhere you love because he's afraid of this parents?

For all you know, you won't know anything until his parents announce they've sold up and are moving into the house next door to you!

DH and I had the agreement that we'd each take care of our own parents (but not in our home) and that we would fully support each other in that care and not complain about time needed away from the family. I carried the bigger share of our home-life for nearly 4 years as he cared for his mother through her decline and death and he did the same for me, both when my father was dying and now that my mum has dementia.

Daydream007 · 08/10/2016 21:25

YANBU. How dare they put you in such an awkward position with such a forced burden. Bang out of order.

EweAreHere · 08/10/2016 21:25

If anything about the topic is ever mentioned again, I would carefully point out that that is a discussion MIL needs to having with her son (your DH) and her daughter, not you, as you have your own mother to keep tabs on. The three of them will need to come up with a reasonable plan, not you.

Benedikte2 · 08/10/2016 21:30

OP if your MIL mentions moving closer to you tell her not to make any plans as you and DH are considering moving again in the not too distant future as you like a change. Maybe even France or Spain as its relatively easy for DH to commute from there.

babyblabber · 08/10/2016 21:34

If she mentions it again I'd say to her she should defo discuss it with your DH and of course you will support him if he is taking care of them but you're not sure he'd be able to what with all the working away. Then maybe through in nursing homes or hired help.

Make it clear it would be him and not you.