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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to look after pil when they're older.

82 replies

Dinosauratemypudding · 08/10/2016 20:27

Mil has said that when the time comes for them to need extra care they are going to move closer to us. We currently live 3hrs away from them.
They have never lived anywhere else from where they live now, they have all of their friends and my dh's sister lives there who she is much closer to.
They are in their 70s, my dm is in her 50s.
I am an only child, and live near my dm. I am expecting to look after her when she's older but that's a long way off.
AIBU to expect to look after pil, and then look after my dm?
My dh works away so most of the care would fall on me as I'll be around more.
Also, aibu to be even thinking about this?... pil are fairly healthy but it was mil bringing up the subject which has made me think more about it

OP posts:

AbernathysFringe · 08/10/2016 21:55

If you're married I think yabu - it's part of what you take on joining a family. It would be a feminist issue if you and your husband were both at home and he still expected you to do the caring, but he is at work and as his wife, would you be right in throwing up your hands and going 'you deal with it, they're your parents'? I don't think you would. It sucks, but wouldn't it be better to treat them as you'd want to be treated at their age? Helping with elderly parents who aren't your own is probably one of those things people should think about before they get married.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/10/2016 22:00

Where did it say dinosaur isn't at work?

anniroc · 08/10/2016 22:08

I don't understand why the Sil is not expected to care for them. My In laws are in a similar situation in terms of distance, always lived in the same place etc. I have always said to DH that I think his sister who lives close by, should look after them as she lived at home until she was 35, and so kind of owes them a lot!

RetroImp · 08/10/2016 22:12

YANBU! If your MIL was serious than she has a nerve! And why would she even expect your or your DH's help with your FIL's care? She isn't much older than you, she can look after her own hubby herself for a start! I adore my MIL and get on well. But my partner is very caring and nurturing so would probably mostly take care of her. He already has done for 8 months when she had a bad accident 4 years ago. He works long hours and still did all the cooking, laundry and other household chores. I'd help because I'm close to her. But she is still very fit and active. I would not automatically consider it though if I wasn't close. No way. And with a past partner, I'd have done feck all to help

madamginger · 08/10/2016 22:16

I think you need to have a conversation with them.
I've made it abundantly clear to both my parents and pil that I will not be caring for them in their old age.
Fil has terminal cancer and only has 6-12 months and my own father has early onset Alzheimer's and I don't mind helping when I'm needed but I have young children and a full time job.
My mother was in an accident a few months ago and has had a long recovery so my sister and I have been helping with my dad and I'm just not prepared to do that full time, my own family have suffered as a result and it's not fair on them.

MerylPeril · 08/10/2016 22:20

I take it she's retired? MIL had far too much time on her hands and would sit around making 'plans' without asking or really thinking through the practicalities of situations.
Id ignore her until she starts putting her house on the market .... And then show her particulars of houses you are thinking of moving to in another town....

TopazRocks · 08/10/2016 22:33

Maybe just tell them you were thinking of moving to their area. But the expectation is not funny at all. I hope you can sort it out.

SpookyPotato · 08/10/2016 22:41

I love my MIL but she has said the same thing to us even though she has three other children. She says it's because she likes us more.. But I'll be looking after my own mum! It's tricky as DPs siblings are all married so might be expected to look after their spouses parents, so I guess someone will be doing double! Everyone lives so spread out so it'll be difficult for everyone to pitch in together.

RetroImp · 08/10/2016 23:26

To those that stated when you marry you're taking on their family. No, you don't! You are committing to a partner. Not their entire fecking clan!

HelenaDove · 08/10/2016 23:26

AbernathysFringe Sat 08-Oct-16 21:55:08
If you're married I think yabu - it's part of what you take on joining a family. It would be a feminist issue if you and your husband were both at home and he still expected you to do the caring, but he is at work and as his wife, would you be right in throwing up your hands and going 'you deal with it, they're your parents'?

Where do i even start with this? If a woman is at home its likely shes doing most of the housework and childcare. How would school runs be fitted in while caring for an elderly person with high needs.

And wouldnt he still be working regardless if he was married or not.

Women are expected to do the gruntwork

helpimitchy · 08/10/2016 23:33

Please don't even consider doing it. Dh has been caring for his mother for over ten years now and it's horrendous. It's so draining and tying she's in a home now, but it's still stressful and we feel constantly guilty that we're not doing enough - made worse by sil constantly reminding dh that he should be visiting more and taking her out

Not to mention all the ruined xmases where we're expected to have her (every single year).

It's hard enough looking after your own parents, but in laws are even harder.

Lara2 · 08/10/2016 23:38

My MIL basically off-loaded her (lovely, kind, sweet, adorable) mother onto us a few years ago. It was heartbreaking and just bloody awful. DH's GM sadly died just before her 99th birthday and right up to the end the only person she really wanted was her selfish, feckless daughter. We loved GM dearly and gladly did everything we could for her. However, I have made it abundantly clear that MIL is on her own - hell will freeze over before I look after her. BIL and his partner can do it.

Lara2 · 08/10/2016 23:44

Just read that back and realised it sounds smug - GM was in various homes (supposedly near MIL so she could visit) until she came to one literally round the corner from us. It was just as helpimitchy said - every weekend and Easter, Christmas, birthdays, and feeling guilty if we did something just for our family. But we were the only family she had near and had no choice - but at the same time didn't mind because we loved her. Very difficult and very mixed emotions.

HelenaDove · 08/10/2016 23:49

Even if a couple have children who are teenagers having an elderly person with high needs living with family in this kind of set up could cause knock on effects like affecting teens study time for GCSEs. There are so many things to consider.

MrsMcMoo · 09/10/2016 00:09

Yanbu, don't be guilt tripped. There's no way I'd contemplate this, not for a single second.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 09/10/2016 01:40

How about they make plans that don't rely on the unpaid labour of their female relatives, especially without consulting them. Moving to a new area, away from existing support networks and other relatives screams 'I'm making myself your total responsibility'.

Sosidges · 09/10/2016 03:38

I am 70, and I think it is very selfish to assume that the younger generation will automatically look after the older ones. Especially as it normally falls to the females.

I gave up work to help care for my MiL as no-one in OH family stepped up. I have then had responsibility of caring for my DM and step father, who have both died recently. So 15 years in which I was completely taken for granted, nothing ever good enough and had had sole responsibility for dealing with healthcare, social services, financial organisations and utility companies.

In your circumstances, I would be inclined not to mention caring for your own mum. I would however say things that give a clear indication that you are not prepared to/ suitable for caring for oldies. Please don't fall into the trap of being default cared.

Sosidges · 09/10/2016 03:39

Default carer I mean.

eddielizzard · 09/10/2016 08:15

i agree you need to nip it in the bud. i also think you shouldn't bring up possibly caring for your mum because they will be resentful of her too then.

your dh needs to say something - suggest they start looking for sheltered housing. when they understand you won't be caring for them i suspect they'll be much more inclined to stay where they are now, with their friends.

i can see very easily how they thought you would look after them in a nice retirement location. what a cheek really - i would never do this to my kids.

Original poster

Dinosauratemypudding · 09/10/2016 08:31

THanks everyone. I honestly thought I was going to be told I was being unreasonable for the reasons abernathy has mentioned.
I'm not close to dh family, i've my own really. We see each other occasionally each year but I've been brought up very independent.
I would really striggle with caring for them on a personal level.
They are retired and own their own home, bought in the 60s so they have a good pot of money they're sitting on to use for carers/homes etc. I would expect or want them to use that rather than save it for inheritance. But that is not my choice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dinosauratemypudding · 09/10/2016 08:32

*or my own really

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 09/10/2016 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockinHippy · 09/10/2016 09:09

I wouldn't worry too much.

My own MIL announced that she would be moving in with us when she was older & needed extra care. We were literally just married & like your situation it made no sense at all as DSIL lived really close to her, we didn't & she did a lot for MIL already. Plus DSIL lives in a huge house with dozens of bedrooms & a bungalow wing & we have lots of stairs.

Turned out MIL was peed off with SIL as she was "bossy" simply because SIL was worried about MILs health & kept trying to get her to stop smoking, so MIL decided that I was a softer touch & wouldn't boss her around, plus I cook, SIL doesn't & MIL liked my cooking, so it turned out to be a compliment in a way. DH was horrified too, but soon made it clear that nobody smokes in our house either & she was being unkind to SIL who was only bossy because she cared.

Roll forward a lot of years & MIL stayed in her own home, close to her friends, SIL arranged carers to go in daily for her & saw her 3/4 times a week for more quality time. DH travelled to see her twice a week too & we went with him at least once whilst we still could (DD was seriously ill) I did cook MILs favourite pies & stews from time to time & DH took it too her.

In the end, bar daily phone calls, which we all enjoyed, MIL didn't expect any of it, from any of us & really wanted her independence & own home, she died in January this year, loved her to bits in the end & still regret that we circumstances meant we couldn't see her much in that last year, as both DD & her were just too ill to travel.

It will be fine, if she mentions it again, pull her up on it, by pointing out that its a bit unfair to SIL who obviously cares so much & why on earth would she think such a thing

Penfold007 · 09/10/2016 09:12

Perhaps your SIL has made very clear to her parents that she will not care for them if it becomes necessary.

Original poster

Dinosauratemypudding · 09/10/2016 10:19

navy I'm teaching my dc to be as independent as possible. I kind of hope that they won't want to live near me when they're older. As long as they're happy then I'll be happy regardless of where in the world they are

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