To not pay for my mum's birthday party.

[Loulou0]

Background is that my parents were abusive. My dad was a drunk and physically/mentally abused me/siblings. Mum never hit us but she was also a drunk - mean, neglectful, never stepped in to protect us from beatings etc.

Me and my siblings all moved out of the family home as soon as we could. (I was 16) We've gone on to do ok, have families of our own etc.

My dad died years ago and my mum is still a big drinker but has improved. She goes through phases of being interested in my kids but she's still self-centred, selfish and a pretty shit mum all round. I.expect nothing different any more.

So generally, I have moved on from my childhood and have done well financially. My mum turns 60 in December and I've just received a text from her asking if I'll 'pay towards her party instead of buying her a birthday present.' She wants £200.

I'm really upset by this. Growing up, events like birthdays and Christmas were horrendous. My dad was at his worst on special occasions and we used to dread them. I don't remember having any happy birthdays at all.

Aibu to not pay for her party purely on this basis?? Should I move on and just be kind?

I can comfortably it but I feel really resentful. I'm getting really upset writing this which is stupid as I'm in my late thirties now. I hate that I still feel shit about all of this after so long.

Um well yes, yes it is going to be like that.

Well done for not rising to it though.

Yes Aeroflot I think that has got something to do with it too, I bet she would have (or already has) gone round telling everyone that her lovely children have spoiled her with a party... now it won't happen!

Silly woman not your problem

When you're a child, you don't get a say as to what relationship you have with your mother. She's responsible for you. You're an adult now and you get to define the parameters of your relationship.

You imply she sees your children sometimes - fine, if that's what you want. You get to decide how involved she's allowed to be in your life. If you want to celebrate her 60th and see it as a happy occasion, you can. If you want to buy her a token present, you can. If you don't even want to acknowledge her birthday because she ruined most of your ones, that's also fine.

You are in control here; decide how much interaction you want and don't let her make you feel guilty about your choice. She lost the right to decide how you get to feel a very long time ago.

Take care.

Yyyy Roasted spot on!

I'm absolutely astounded that you're still in contact with her at all, never mind maintain some sort of relationship.

She's a nasty, selfish bitch, like many alcoholics. Sounds like even if she was teetotal during your childhood she'd still have been a nasty, neglectful bitch. And she often blags money from you, to boot! The sheer nerve of it never mind the demand for a contribution to this damned party!

Use this experience to reconsider how much you want her in your and your children's lives. I'd have walked away decades ago without a backward glance.

"So it's going to be like that, is it?"

Yep, with knobs on, you clueless and selfish piss-taker.
She's really hasn't got a clue. Maybe it's time she did

You clearly made the right decision then. She sounds like a right old bag.

Thank you all for responding. I'm reading through them and it's great to hear no one thinks I'm being petty or mean.

I've not replied but she's texted again to say " if I was your aunt carol you'd be throwing money at me"

( she's the aunt I bought a new boiler for recently. A lovely lady who's always been kind to me)

I'm getting seriously tempted to respond with some of the replies suggested in pp but I don't want to get into a text war.

Sorry to hear from all the posters who have equally shit mothers.

Don't engage with her. Get over to the Stately Homes thread and download the books Atilla suggests.

Ignoring is definitely the way forward. You'll never "win". And by that I mean have your views listened to and acknowledged. Silly woman. This is a party and a piss up. Your aunt had no heating so the two are completely unrelated.

Block her number. Don't give her headspace.

A boiler for hot water vs a piss up. What a joke.

Oh YANBU. That sound like a deeply traumatic childhood

I hope you're ok.

Has she texted your brother with the same response?

Mummyoflittledragon is right - you won't win this.

She obviously is so self interested she can't see how wrong she is.
I'm glad your brother has said no also.

Just keep reminding yourself that your aunt needed hot water, your mum doesn't need another piss up

Ignore, ignore, ignore. She wants you to respond.

MIL is like this. You have my sympathy

Omg what a brazen cow she is, ignore her, nasty toxic individual.

Just ignore. You are doing the right thing, but don't get into exchanging texts with her. Let her stew.

If you reply keep it short and unengaged.

Don't play into the details of Her txts as that shows she's hit a target and she will needle further.

Just reply along the lines of. Youv had my answer mum, I hope you have a nice day but I won't discuss the matter further with you.

You can leave out the nice day bit if you want.

Use this single reply every time and do not deviate, she can't argue if the answer is the same. Shel try though!

Think of it as a police interview, every answer "no comment"

Sorry your in the shit parent club Lou! It's not the best club to be in is it

Just say 'yeah it's like that and that's the way it is'

More seriously just don't engage. My parents have this selfish streak with a hefty dose of neglect thrown in. You can't win in the sense of being heard because they are protecting their self j image. She's now going to play poor me in an effort to get to you back in your box where your role is to support her regardless. Don't engage. Just send the present and card. Text on birthday and be done. Don't even comment on your aunt. You don't have to justify this.
You will feel guilty but because you've been conditioned the way not because you have anything to feel guilty about. With any luck she'll find someone else to leech off and will then spend ages telling you what a great relationship due has with that poor sod. Don't feel bad - the relationship will be what you had regardless how rosy she will try to make it look to you.

I am not surprised at her throwing the money you gave to your Aunt back in your face.

At the end of the day your mother doesn't bring anything positive to your life so going no contact will be no skin off your nose...

I think there will be more nasty texts to come sadly.

You are so doing the right thing, and it's really strong of you.

You well decide in your own time whether you want to serve her up some home truths, or just distance yourself and rise above it. Either way is full of self respect.
You sound like a great mum.

I reckon she discovered that you'd lent/given your aunt some money she just saw £££ and thought I'm her mother, I deserve to have that too.

Well done on sending a dignified text and not being sucked in by her.

Do not engage! No replies no nothing!

I'm also betting she's not giving your brother a hard time