Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my mum's birthday party.

177 replies

Loulou0 · 07/10/2016 22:04

Background is that my parents were abusive. My dad was a drunk and physically/mentally abused me/siblings. Mum never hit us but she was also a drunk - mean, neglectful, never stepped in to protect us from beatings etc.

Me and my siblings all moved out of the family home as soon as we could. (I was 16) We've gone on to do ok, have families of our own etc.

My dad died years ago and my mum is still a big drinker but has improved. She goes through phases of being interested in my kids but she's still self-centred, selfish and a pretty shit mum all round. I.expect nothing different any more.

So generally, I have moved on from my childhood and have done well financially. My mum turns 60 in December and I've just received a text from her asking if I'll 'pay towards her party instead of buying her a birthday present.' She wants £200.

I'm really upset by this. Growing up, events like birthdays and Christmas were horrendous. My dad was at his worst on special occasions and we used to dread them. I don't remember having any happy birthdays at all.

Aibu to not pay for her party purely on this basis?? Should I move on and just be kind?

I can comfortably it but I feel really resentful. I'm getting really upset writing this which is stupid as I'm in my late thirties now. I hate that I still feel shit about all of this after so long.

OP posts:
LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 07/10/2016 22:56

Tell her you also don't have the money. At her age, if she wants a party she should pay for it.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 07/10/2016 22:57

mistress sorry your mum is so aegul. Thank you, you're right this has brought up a shit load of bad memories. I'm sitting here crying, thinking about things from 20, 30 - odd years ago that I thought I was over.

I hate that she still has this power to upset me.

You're all being so kind.

OP posts:
seven201 · 07/10/2016 22:58

Blimey. I don't think you should pay. Very tricky for how to deal with it though. I think I'd be inclined to just reply with a 'no, I can't sorry'. It's not lying because you can't morally if you see what I mean. If she asks you why then you should tell her the full truth. I really feel for you.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 07/10/2016 22:59

*awful

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 07/10/2016 23:00

I have an abusive mother and have been through so much therapy as a result. I have had a few minor victories where I have said "no" to her - and these have been unbelievably helpful to my mental health. However, I try to make the"no's" as easy for myself as possible. In your situation I would probably say "oh I've already bought your present actually - sorry". I know some people would say you should stand up for yourself and tell her the truth - that you just don't want to - but I know that it isn't that easy

EmNetta · 07/10/2016 23:03

Sorry you've had these experiences and that your mother is still being unreasonable. No doubt she would like to have a party (with plenty of drink, of course), but she's also likely to be short of money for essentials because of the drinking.

Your brother has made his decision but I don't know what I'd do in your position, probably send "usual amount" of money in a birthday card then try to forget about her request.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2016 23:03

You have to say no to her, it will help you, and make it easier for you to say no to her in the future. She wants you to fund her big piss up with her mates. She does not deserve 1 moment of yiur time, let alone you funding her piss up. Isent she ashamed of herself. I woukd cut her dead tbf!

sparechange · 07/10/2016 23:04

Of course you shouldn't pay. Cheeky gaslighting cow to even ask.

Have you had any sort of counselling to help you process your childhood? Standing up to her in small ways such as saying no to demands for money can be quite a powerful way of taking the control back that they stripped from you.
See it as therapeutic rather than divisive.

You've had some great advice on this thread, other than the nonsense from cosycoupe which I hope you will ignore in its entirety

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 07/10/2016 23:05

I think you know in your heart that you want to say no.

If you do it now then you can just brush it off rather than let it carry on tormenting you

Trunkisareshite · 07/10/2016 23:08

If you have a partner can you say no and put it on them? If they agree obviously. Might seem cowardly but if it gives you an out without having to get into why you actually want to say no it could work, especially if she knows you could afford it? Maybe buy the cake if you feel you have to do something.

Also sorry you had a shitty time, you didn't deserve it.

Whendoigetadayoff · 07/10/2016 23:10

Oh you poor soul. Give her some money but what you want to give not the ridiculous amount she wants so she can spend it on alcohol. If it's £30 normally but this is a 60th then maybe £60. Send cheque with birthday card, say enjoy yourself and don't go to the party.
Then you're giving cash and can feel ok about that and try to move on with your siblings.
Parents always have power over us, it's then down to us how we handle it. It's not easy though.

MatildaTheCat · 07/10/2016 23:11

If your db cannot contribute then presumably she will want you to fund the whole bash? Just no.

I would be tempted to ignore. You don't say how much of this has been aired and spoken of or how you get on these days but I'm guessing not too well. She's clearly living hand to mouth and wanting a big piss up at your expense. So no, if pressed perhaps just say you have other plans and not a big fan of family parties.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 07/10/2016 23:12

Thanks everyone. It's so helpful to talk about this- I don't talk about how i feel about my parents in real life as I feel a bit pathetic, so thank you.

I've decided to definitely say no. I'm not going to give a reason. I think I'll just reply with "the kids have already picked you a present, sorry I can't help this time"

Do you think that sounds OK?

OP posts:
ConvincingLiar · 07/10/2016 23:13

Nicer than she deserves, but that's an inoffensive reply.

Dowser · 07/10/2016 23:16

My 60th birthday cost me £1000 and I saved up £2 coins for five years to pay for it.

If your mum wants to celebrate her 60 th then she should pay.

( says the woman who paid for her own mum's 60th )

LovelyBranches · 07/10/2016 23:16

I spent £200 or about that on my mothers 60th. Here's the difference, my mother has always been a loving parent (even though we didn't get on during the menopause/teen years). She is my best friend and she is widowed and I wanted to treat her because my father would certainly have.

My mother was mortified.

She felt that this was the wrong order of things, that parents look after and provide for their children and even when they are all adults, that order shouldn't really change. I didn't get it then but being a mother myself now I can see what she means.

Your mother on the other hand asked. Shame on her. She has shown her true colours as greedy and selfish. I wouldn't pay if my dab also wasn't paying. I certainly wouldn't want to pay the whole amount if he was, I'd offer maybe £50-£100 as an offer of goodwill, and I'd develop mentionitis about every good mother/grandmother,making it clear that she doesn't fit the bill.

Featherybum · 07/10/2016 23:16

I think that sounds fine. I wouldn't pay either (also have a similar mother). Have you ever had counselling to talk through what happened? I did and it was so useful, really helped me understand it wasn't my fault and how to detatch emotionally from it and stop getting upset. Good luck x

Tartyflette · 07/10/2016 23:16

That sounds good.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2016 23:22

You're making the right decision. Honestly, in your place the very last thing I'd want to do is pay money for my alcoholic mother and her friends to get shit-faced. I'd probably not attend the party either if it was going to just end up with a bunch of drunks.

bloodyteenagers · 07/10/2016 23:23

Don't say this time. Don't apologize. Just tell her no.

Wdigin2this · 07/10/2016 23:31

Just work out what you would have paid for a present, and give her that....end of!

Woody67 · 07/10/2016 23:32

I think she has a bloody cheek! If you had all agreed that there should be a party and offered to fund it between you and your brother then fair enough, but to decide to have one and expect you to pay (and it's quite a substantial amount, whether you can afford it or not) without discussion is downright rude!!!

If I were you I would offer her an amount you feel comfortable with, maybe your usual amount plus a little extra in recognition of it being a "significant" birthday and if she doesn't like it then tough!

LucyBabs · 07/10/2016 23:39

Oh loulou I wish I could hug you right now Sad

I had a really shit father, when he was dying I felt this sudden love towards him.. I don't know why I bothered coz he told me to fuck off.. Nice eh?!

Anyway I would tell your mother your dc have already picked and paid for a present but definitely don't apologise for it. Just be matter of fact about it Flowers

HarryPottersMagicWand · 07/10/2016 23:41

Just "the kids have already picked your present" is fine. No need to say more than that. She doesn't deserve it.

It's been 31 years for me and there are still times I get bitter about it. I'll never get over it tbh. You just have to learn how to live with it. I have had counselling and I know that a lot of the issues I have are down to the shitty start I had and I feel resentful that I haven't had an idyllic life, as it were.

Most of the time I don't really think about it but it's always there. Stuff like this doesn't go away. I'd really recommend seeing someone about it. I found it really helpful.

bananafish · 07/10/2016 23:43

Absolutely not! She's got a bloody nerve. Good on you deciding no and for standing up for yourself.

You've done really well to pick yourself up and create a good, solid life for you and your children when you had to contend with such shitty parenting.

Take the £200 and book yourself some counselling to help lessen the hold that her past actions still have over you.

You deserve to take care of yourself Flowers