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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my mum's birthday party.

177 replies

Loulou0 · 07/10/2016 22:04

Background is that my parents were abusive. My dad was a drunk and physically/mentally abused me/siblings. Mum never hit us but she was also a drunk - mean, neglectful, never stepped in to protect us from beatings etc.

Me and my siblings all moved out of the family home as soon as we could. (I was 16) We've gone on to do ok, have families of our own etc.

My dad died years ago and my mum is still a big drinker but has improved. She goes through phases of being interested in my kids but she's still self-centred, selfish and a pretty shit mum all round. I.expect nothing different any more.

So generally, I have moved on from my childhood and have done well financially. My mum turns 60 in December and I've just received a text from her asking if I'll 'pay towards her party instead of buying her a birthday present.' She wants £200.

I'm really upset by this. Growing up, events like birthdays and Christmas were horrendous. My dad was at his worst on special occasions and we used to dread them. I don't remember having any happy birthdays at all.

Aibu to not pay for her party purely on this basis?? Should I move on and just be kind?

I can comfortably it but I feel really resentful. I'm getting really upset writing this which is stupid as I'm in my late thirties now. I hate that I still feel shit about all of this after so long.

OP posts:
Twinchaos1 · 08/10/2016 08:06

That was a good text, really glad you weren't emotionally blackmailed into providing alcohol for your mother and her drinking buddies.

Catsize · 08/10/2016 08:16

She is unbelievably cheeky (understatement) to ask. Well done for sending the text. Try to stop funding her drinking habit by paying for her electricity etc.

Stillwaitingforthesummer2come · 08/10/2016 08:27

Well done op, that's a very mature reply.

Sandsnake · 08/10/2016 08:49

Great reply! Hopefully she will understand that you're not that vulnerable child anymore and that she's lost the ability to control and manipulate you.

ConvincingLiar · 08/10/2016 09:25

Good for you OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2016 09:36

Good on you op, she was not a good mother to you and your siblings, and fell way short of what a mother should, and she wants you and your brother to pay for her party, what a bloody nerve, and that would really get my back up. Use that money to treat your family, not a nasty abusive alcoholic.

Woody67 · 08/10/2016 10:44

Well done. Has she replied?

Original poster
Loulou0 · 08/10/2016 10:59

She's replied with "so it's going to be like that is it?"

I have no idea what that means. I'm not going to reply.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond

OP posts:
GettingMuckyFingersCrossed · 08/10/2016 11:09

I think it's best to ignore her text too Loulou0
You don't need her negativity , concentrate on your happiness and family

Ohdearducks · 08/10/2016 11:12

If she was a lovely mother I'd say yes but she's not, she's a monster and has some fucking brass neck on her to ask that of you. She sounds awful, if distance myself as much as possible if she was my 'mum'.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2016 11:15

Nasty veiled threat. Ignore and don't go to the party unless you really want to - if it goes ahead. Best your kids don't see her and her cronies getting rat arsed.

Ohdearducks · 08/10/2016 11:20

I'd be tempted to say yep! To her reply then ignore but I'm a goady fucker at times 🙈

Backt0Black · 08/10/2016 11:26

Wow. Wants a booze up with her old lush drinking buddies and wants to tell the world her kids paid for it as they thinks she's amazing.

No.

My own childhood was like this. No drinking. But a lot of apathy and disinterest. And I'd be but put out. Your situation sounds worse and the fact is challenging you is galling.

ApproachingATunnel · 08/10/2016 11:31

What a nasty bitch she is.

Shitonyoursofa · 08/10/2016 11:37

Useless mother here too. No violence or booze etc, but made to feel fir my whole childhood as if she regretted having me, just could not work out why she didn't like me like other mothers. She's changed a lot, but absolutely no acknowledgement of the past at all, and really doesn't seem to understand why we're not close. One of her responses to me not doing what she wants is 'oh so this is what you think of your own mother is it, you can't even do XYZ for me'. To which the response in my head is 'no, because you don't deserve it'. She also had a significant birthday this year, and I sent a card and a present but I think she was really upset that I didn't drive 300 miles to spend it with her. I just didn't feel like I wanted to, but I still felt horrendously guilty about it.

Don't respond to her reply OP it's designed to draw you into a discussion you really don't need to have. You do not owe her anything at all whatsoever. She sounds awful.

incogKNEEto · 08/10/2016 11:37

She's kicking back against you saying no. It's because of the 'this time' in the second sentence of your message. She's thinking 'Well, loulou has helped before, how dare she say no now?' I know this is how my mother would see it. Stand firm, you have done nothing wrong.

Blomme · 08/10/2016 11:38

It sounds to me as if she's trying to guilt trip you. I definitely wouldn't reply.

Have you considered asking your GP to refer you to a counsellor? It might help with your feeling of anger and assertiveness.

ThreeLeggedCat · 08/10/2016 11:48

Stay strong OP. You're doing great. Don't respond to her text. Can you try to view her as a particularly tiresome toddler? Then you can just take a deep breath and repeat 'no' as necessary. My DH has similar issues with toxic parents. It's taken a number of years but he can now say 'no' to them.

kate33 · 08/10/2016 11:59

Hi OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I think you sound amazing, despite an awful childhood you have gone on to be a successful adult and you sound like a very caringcperson to, not easy when your parents didn't teach you how to do these things. My experience is very different to yours in that although my early childhood was horrible my mum had mental health issues and I have to accept the things that took place were not her fault. What bothers me the most is her refusal of how things were. She doesn't remember or has blocked it out. I expect because of the alcohol damage your mum doesn't remember things the way they they really were either. But that is no excuse, she hasn't looked after you as a mother should and to ask for this large amount of money so she can celebrate her life by getting drunk and having a large party is just too much. I hope you don't do it, I hope you don't waste any energy feeling guilty about not doing it. I hope you seek healing after all these years and that you concentrate on the people who love you like your Aunty. It is sadly my experience that biological families can be very overrated and that the family you make yourself, your friends, partner and children etc become your true loved ones.

Alwayschanging1 · 08/10/2016 11:59

I hate phrases like that - my mum uses them all.
"Well, I know where I stand now!"
"You'd think after all I do for you..."
"No, I'm not going to say it...."
"I want you to do it for my sake.."

expatinscotland · 08/10/2016 12:00

Don't respond and please, please read Atilla's post again and again and again and get over the Stately Homes threads.

She's trying to manipulate you. No good mother does this. She's a user.

jollygoose · 08/10/2016 12:09

So sorry for you op - do not give this greedy entitle woman money. As a 60 plus myself I would not dream of expecting my kids to give me money, I really do not konow how she has the nerve to ask.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2016 12:12

Yes, that's the way it is! Treat her, how she treated you!

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2016 12:13

Its telling how both of her children do not want to help with their mums birthday party. Mabey if she was a good mum, who did her best, than you would! Cheeky entitled cow.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2016 12:14

I would have NC with her, years ago, nasty toxic woman.