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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my mum's birthday party.

177 replies

Loulou0 · 07/10/2016 22:04

Background is that my parents were abusive. My dad was a drunk and physically/mentally abused me/siblings. Mum never hit us but she was also a drunk - mean, neglectful, never stepped in to protect us from beatings etc.

Me and my siblings all moved out of the family home as soon as we could. (I was 16) We've gone on to do ok, have families of our own etc.

My dad died years ago and my mum is still a big drinker but has improved. She goes through phases of being interested in my kids but she's still self-centred, selfish and a pretty shit mum all round. I.expect nothing different any more.

So generally, I have moved on from my childhood and have done well financially. My mum turns 60 in December and I've just received a text from her asking if I'll 'pay towards her party instead of buying her a birthday present.' She wants £200.

I'm really upset by this. Growing up, events like birthdays and Christmas were horrendous. My dad was at his worst on special occasions and we used to dread them. I don't remember having any happy birthdays at all.

Aibu to not pay for her party purely on this basis?? Should I move on and just be kind?

I can comfortably it but I feel really resentful. I'm getting really upset writing this which is stupid as I'm in my late thirties now. I hate that I still feel shit about all of this after so long.

OP posts:
Duck90 · 08/10/2016 00:03

She is clearly a vulnerable person, but that's not really a reason to pander to an expensive party. if she wants a celebration then she should pay for it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2016 00:06

I wouldn't pay it either.
She has a cheek to even ask for that much, tbh.

Although - actually I might consider it but it would be a contact-cutting payment, a "goodbye and good luck with the rest of your life" sort of thing.

But you probably don't want to do that, so don't pay it, as you don't at all want to.

Lilacpink40 · 08/10/2016 00:12

YANBU.
If you'd normally spend £20, give her £20. Say that you budget ahead and that's what you have to give her. She moans you say nothing. She asks why, repeat the "I have a budget" line.

Better still club together with your brother and give her £40 together. Support each other!

SpaceDinosaur · 08/10/2016 00:21

Good grief. What the hell.

Have you kept a record of all of the money you have "lent" your mother to top up her utilities?

"Sorry mum, we have already sorted your birthday present"
And for her birthday give the greedy bitch a card with a list of the various amounts she owes you and then graciously write them off for her present. (If you can afford to do so)

Something tells me she owes you more than £200 OP.

ParForTheCourses · 08/10/2016 05:05

I'm glad neither you or your db are paying op.

Have you spoken to him? How is he too? Do you have a dp or friend to support you after this has brought so many bad memories up?

Wallywobbles · 08/10/2016 05:15

I'd say no because it may actually produce a healthier result for you. I.e. A rift. I would think for your own mental health you'd be better if she wasn't part of your lives.

Me and my 4 siblings have just contributed £400 each to my step mums birthday. But then she has been a good mother and she protected us from my dads temper and took care of him so we didn't have to. She's worth it. Your mums not.

SlottedSpoon · 08/10/2016 05:48

Have you ever confronted your mum about any of this? Do you think now might be a good time to say no, and tell her exactly why you don't wish to fund another self indulgent drinking binge?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2016 05:52

I hope you find peace in this decision. Your text is good. Some distance between you and your mother is much needed for you to find some perspective.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 08/10/2016 06:38

I've never had counselling as I've never felt I needed it tbh. I'd kind of got over it all and when i moved out, just came to the conclusion that my parents were shit and that was just my lot in life, now get on with it.

It wasn't until I had my own kids (I have a baby and a toddler) that I really started to think about thinks again.

Like all good parents, I feel so protective towards my kids. I get pleasure from feeding them, playing with them, talking to them , making sure they are happy, not scared or worried etc- all the things my mum couldn't be arsed with. And it makes me SO ANGRY.

Why did she have children if she couldn't be bothered to take care of us?

And she never acknowledges anything. I've never brought it up and I feel like I should have said something years ago and it's too late now.

Anyway, I've gone off topic. I've sent the text just now. Thank you for all of your replies, you've really helped me out.

I sent this
"The kids have already picked you a present. Won't be able to help you this time"

OP posts:
Zephyroux1 · 08/10/2016 06:50

I'm so sorry you have had such an awful childhood. I actually think it's really important that you don't give the money because it seems to me that it's about far more than you paying for the party.

Other posters who have willingly paid for parents/stepparents gifts and parties have done so spontaneously because the reciprocal love and care they have received have enabled them to do that, yours hasn't. It seems like your mum wants a shortcut to showing herself/friends what a great mum she must have been for her kids to throw her a party. If you do pay you kind of become complicit in the lie which I think will drag you down further and is why you are getting so upset. I'm so so sorry about that, it's not fair for you at all.

Hope this makes sense, I've been up all night with my baby! but when I was a teen I was quite badly bullied by a girl in my class. On her birthday, she asked me for a card, I refused and she kept going on about it, eventually getting really upset and almost begging. Although nowhere near what you've been through, it's the same kind of thing, both the bully and your mum are trying to convince themselves and perhaps others that things weren't that bad or that they are wonderful unconditionally no matter what they have done...don't do it otherwise you end up questioning your own truth.

Zephyroux1 · 08/10/2016 06:51

Sorry, cross post...that's a great text

Original poster
Loulou0 · 08/10/2016 07:07

Thanks zeph

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 08/10/2016 07:08

Thanks zeph hope your baby has settled.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/10/2016 07:12

Be wary of there being some "emergency" that she needs £400 for...

Stay firm, setting this boundary that you "don't owe her anything" may help you emotionally.

Flowers
mygorgeousmilo · 08/10/2016 07:19

YANBU no way would I be paying under these circumstances. You sound very level headed and kind, thank goodness you haven't allowed this sad history to affect your own achievements. That being said, I'm sure you carry it around with you. I would have to say to your mum - "no, because you treated me like shit on special occasions when I was a child, so why should I?". I couldn't allow it all to be swept under the rug. By letting abuse continue she was no better than your father

OliviaBenson · 08/10/2016 07:24

Really good text op.

Mum2twoUnder4 · 08/10/2016 07:24

Laugh at her. She's trying her luck.

SlottedSpoon · 08/10/2016 07:26

It wasn't until I had my own children that I really started to think about things

This is an extremely common thing for the adult children of abusive, dysfunctional or just inadequate parents to say. As a child, when you know no different , you have a sense that things aren't quite as good they could be, but you don't necessarily realise that things are not as good as they should be.

It's not until you feel the full force of love for your own child that you can really appreciate just how badly you've been let down by your own parents, who for whatever reason were simply not up to the job.

annandale · 08/10/2016 07:29

Great text.

It was incredibly helpful to me when my dh reacted with complete shock when I got in a tangle giving my dad money (and my dad is a lot nicer than your mum ever was to you, though not 'best dad eva' material either). Hope if you have a partner that they can support you.

I agree with paying for some counselling, could be helpful.

WeAreEternal · 08/10/2016 07:31

Your text message is perfect, well done Loulou

BakeOffBiscuits · 08/10/2016 07:37

"It wasn't until I had my own kids (I have a baby and a toddler) that I really started to think about thinks again."

LouLou feeling like this often happens after you have your own children. It's very, very common. The same thing happened to me, my mum left when I was three, when my own DD reached that age it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so so angry with her and still do even though she's now died.

It's just so confusing and bewildering that a mum would treat her children like you were treated. But the fact that you feel this way shows what a wonderful, loving mother you are. You would never do the things your mum did to you. Your DC will love you so much because you're a brilliant mum who gives them everything they need, love and security being the most important. Flowers

It's great you've stood up to her, the more you do it the better you will feel about yourself. Do NOT feel guilty about this.Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2016 07:50

It wasn't until I had my own children that I really started to think about things.

I had tried to get an adult relationship with my mother and for her just to lay off and admit how she was and has been (she's really nasty to me still). All failed. She cried, she shouted, she screamed. I backed down and I overrode my feelings and apologised.

Then when dd was born I looked at my beautiful dd and I just couldn't imagine ever treating her so badly. I was so angry that I struggled to keep it together. Counselling helped for me. I'm low contact.

Rabidu · 08/10/2016 08:00

You sound like an amazing mother!
Good on you for saying no to your 'mum'. I agree with others that a bit of counselling to sort out your feelings would be a good idea.
Are u close with your bd, or talk to him about your childhood at all?

I hope she leaves it at that an doesn't try to push you or guilt you into it. If she does I'd spend the money on a nice day out with the kids- something you will enjoy and that she should as a doting gm.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2016 08:04

Loulou

Your text message to your mother was a good one. Now I would be prepared for a potential backlash from any member of your family of origin by blocking them from further contacting you. You may also get to hear of previously unknown health problems or one of them being sent into hospital for "tests".

Your parents were abusive to you as a child and they have not fundamentally altered at all. I sincerely hope you keep your children well away from these selfish people too. You also need to appraise your own boundaries with your parents and further raise them.

Your mother still sees you as soft; that is why she approached you for the money for her piss up party. No surprise whatsoever to read that the only friends she has are likely to be alcoholics as well.

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the relationships pages and talk to a therapist. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward; there is a chapter in there about alcoholic parents.

It is not your fault your parents are like this; you did not make them this way. Their own families of origin did that lot of damage to them.

lasttimeround · 08/10/2016 08:05

You are OK. Enabling her is a way of damaging yourself. If she's angry with you that's ok. You are angry with her too and your reasons for being angry are far better than hers. Just say no. Send usual type of gift or money equivalent. Put her out of your mind