Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my mum's birthday party.

177 replies

Loulou0 · 07/10/2016 22:04

Background is that my parents were abusive. My dad was a drunk and physically/mentally abused me/siblings. Mum never hit us but she was also a drunk - mean, neglectful, never stepped in to protect us from beatings etc.

Me and my siblings all moved out of the family home as soon as we could. (I was 16) We've gone on to do ok, have families of our own etc.

My dad died years ago and my mum is still a big drinker but has improved. She goes through phases of being interested in my kids but she's still self-centred, selfish and a pretty shit mum all round. I.expect nothing different any more.

So generally, I have moved on from my childhood and have done well financially. My mum turns 60 in December and I've just received a text from her asking if I'll 'pay towards her party instead of buying her a birthday present.' She wants £200.

I'm really upset by this. Growing up, events like birthdays and Christmas were horrendous. My dad was at his worst on special occasions and we used to dread them. I don't remember having any happy birthdays at all.

Aibu to not pay for her party purely on this basis?? Should I move on and just be kind?

I can comfortably it but I feel really resentful. I'm getting really upset writing this which is stupid as I'm in my late thirties now. I hate that I still feel shit about all of this after so long.

OP posts:
ParForTheCourses · 07/10/2016 22:32

Yanbu. She's bloody lucky you give her the time of day given how she treated you. Many, myself included, wouldn't.

ConvincingLiar · 07/10/2016 22:32

Would you go to her party? I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to avoid it altogether. One way or another I'd tell her no. Very rude of her to ask even if she was a good mother.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 07/10/2016 22:34

No I wouldn't. You would also no doubt spend the evening feeling stressed and watching her drink, along with your brother. I'm sorry you had such a horrible childhood too. Sad

HarryPottersMagicWand · 07/10/2016 22:34

She can piss off. She wants a party, she pays.

'Mothers' like this hit a nerve with me as mine pissed off when I was 4 and I don't think shitty parents should get anything from their children when they are adults.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 07/10/2016 22:35

Not your brother drinking I mean, you both watching her.

CosyCoupe88 · 07/10/2016 22:36

If I could comfortably pay it I would. It's a big birthday. She is still your mum and the only mum you will ever have even if she hasn't been the best and is asking a lot here. I think it's a nice thing to spend money on and you will attend the party and use that to make good happy memories with your mum. I know I lot of people will disagree with me but I just think I would look at from a "which outcome will make me most happy" and I think the one where I have made my mum happy (comfortably as you can afford it) and helped her have a nice party woukd be a nicer outcome that it being an opportunity for conflict and then when or if the party did happen it may be a bit sad if it's a bit of a flop or source of stress if money was an obstacle and a remunder of any arguments that occurred as a result of you saying no to the suggestion. Worst case scenario you have a big fall out and this becomes a rift. You'd be quite right ti say no but would you regret it if she reacted badly and it divided you?

I once made a stand about something like that with my dad and that is how it ended so I am biased of course.

Sounds like you've had a tough time. Take strength and support from your family :) that the most important thing

bimbobaggins · 07/10/2016 22:36

I agree with harry

Badgoushk · 07/10/2016 22:36

If she can't afford her own party, why is she suggesting it. Very inappropriate from your Mum.

MrsNuckyThompson · 07/10/2016 22:37

Don't pay it and maybe offer what you'd normally spend on a present.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 07/10/2016 22:38

My brother has said no already. He just said he hasn't got the money.

I think she thinks I'll say yes because I paid for an urgent home repair for my aunt last week. My aunt actually didn't ask for the money but she was living without hot water and I offered. However, my aunt is lovely and kind and I was happy to help. I would not be happy to help my mum

I sound bitter, I know.

OP posts:
SistersOfPercy · 07/10/2016 22:39

I wouldn't. I'd say "oh sorry I've already bought your gift' and leave it at that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/10/2016 22:39

I understand OP. I would say that you should do what YOU can live comfortably and easy with. If that is ignoring her then do that. If it were me, I'd probably send a £50 with a note saying that I wish her a happy birthday but I'll not be attending.

That's what I'd do for my dad. We're estranged, have been since I was a teen and I'll never see him again. He's not interested in birthdays or anything like that so I won't be confronted with that scenario but if he did - like your mum has - that's what I'd do. £50 or whatever and thanks but no thanks.

Benedikte2 · 07/10/2016 22:40

All your mother wants is a booze up with her drinking buddies.
60 isn't a particularly significant birthday nowadays -- not even retirement age!
To safe argument tell her you don't have the money to spare for a party but as its a special birthday you'll get her something special. If she moans tell her that no one went to any effort to give you a special birthday when you were growing up.
Try to avoid giving her money as it just facilitates her drinking.
Good luck

LagunaBubbles · 07/10/2016 22:40

OP it's important to remember you are not the problem, she is. No-one is born knowing how to parent but there is a big difference between a loving caring parent who makes mistakes and people like your parents. You can spend so much emotional energy on this, coming to terms with the Mum you have rather than the one you want (I.e someone who puts you first in life).

DarklyDreamingDexter · 07/10/2016 22:42

Say no and stick to your guns. Sounds like she's deserving of a box of chocolates from Poundland - if that.

ohtheholidays · 07/10/2016 22:43

No I wouldn't pay it and you shouldn't neither!

Your Mother was supposed to be the parent not the other way round and you owe her nothing!

I'd worry that if you said yes she'd think you were soft and she'd start expecting more and more from you.As you brothers said no there's every chance she'll ask you for the full £400!

CashelGirl · 07/10/2016 22:43

You have a right to be bitter. She made her choices and it sounds like she always put herself first, even when you were little and needs her to protect you. You should be very proud of yourself for not being more bitter. Just tell her you can't afford it, it is too much money for a birthday present and leave it at that.

1potato2potato3potato4 · 07/10/2016 22:43

You don't sound bitter, you don't need to apologise for, second guess or justify your feelings on this. Just say no, it'll do you the world of good to choose to side with yourself on this one.

mysistersimone · 07/10/2016 22:45

YNBU, she is in the wrong asking you for money full stop. Who asks their child to pay for their party?? Make a stand, guilt over her being your mum is blurring things. She's not a nice person, if she wasn't your mum she'd not be in your life. He brave Flowers

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 07/10/2016 22:46

I wouldn't even go, let alone pay for it! How awful OP Flowers

LyndaNotLinda · 07/10/2016 22:46

You don't sound bitter, you sound like you're worn down by being treated like a cash cow by other members of your family

Starlight2345 · 07/10/2016 22:48

Be very careful about agreeing if brother has said no will she be asking you for the £400.

Also you say in original post siblings...Are there more than you and brother have they been asked.

You could reply not what I was planning and leave it at that.

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2016 22:49

Its not stupid that you're resentful. This is bringing back horrible childhood memories for you, when your mother should have been there as your support, and she wasn't. I would not donate towards the party as I don't believe in "moving on" when nothing has been resolved, and the person hasn't acknowledged the hurt and trauma they caused you, they know what happened and blithely pretend it didn't happen.

Sorry you went through a bad time with your mum, my mum is awful to the point I find it hard to even talk about her, you're brave to articulate how you feel. Take that money and treat yourself you don't owe anyone a thing by virtue of them being your parent/blood Flowers

TheWitTank · 07/10/2016 22:49

She sounds like a leach. She wants you to fund a party for her mates -here's betting she wouldn't give a shit if you didn't come. Who asks their kids to fund a party at £200 each?! You clearly feel very uncomfortable and resentful, not just about this party, but about your relationship. Refuse to give her the money -say sorry, I don't feel comfortable with that. If she asks why, tell her (if you feel able). I wouldn't pretend that I was ok with my childhood. It might make you feel better to let out your feelings and let her know what impact they had on your life.

Stillwaitingforthesummer2come · 07/10/2016 22:50

I don't think you sound bitter. I think you'd be mad to pay - use that money on your family instead.