This is completely horrible

[whoisshe124]

NC'd obvs.

DDad died around 7 years ago. Strong character. Much missed. Died far too young (67). This is relevant.... He was self-made (think a lesser Alan Sugar, i.e. came from nothing, set up his own business, made it a success. Not gazillions, but business still strong and still going)

My mum has some wealth (because of dad's business. She's worked - she's been really successful - but not at the same level dad achieved.

I have young parents. Mum was around 65 when he died. They'd been together since she was 13. Very, very sad.

My DM is a bit amazing. (I would say that.... I love her to pieces!). She's a counsellor.

My mum befriends people. People love her. She's a friend (unofficial carer) to about a million people. There's someone she knows who is a social outcast to people who know him/his history. He's been through the courts twice, and has been shunned by people who know about it because of it. I'm not going to say what it was because it's outing, but it's sexual crimes against the vulnerable. My mum is his friend. After dad died, he's lived with her when he had no where else to go (for about a year and a half). She sees through the crimes that other people can't to the person beneath, and they get on really well and enjoy each other's company. He is a year older than me. and I fucking hate him. pervy, creepy fuck that he is, but not going to say this cos it derails my own thread and is outing to him. Not that he deserves any privacy!

Earlier this year their relationship moved on a level, and they're now a couple, although they keep this very quiet. I nearly started threads about it on here, because it is doing my head in, but I kind-of knew that MN would tell me it was none of my business, so I didn't. And my mum's older, but not old/old, and has the right to enjoy the rest of her life. it is very hard when she gets 'giddy' and excited though. BUT none of my business. I do get it's none of my business

I was talking to mum today about money, because we are skint. DH has recently taken early retirement, and I work almost full-time, and in a massively satisfying job, but one which doesn't pay well. We have (finally) achieved good work/life balance, but it's not enough to pay the bills, and we're worried about it. We are NOT on the breadline.... I work with people in poverty, and that's not us. We can't afford treats and holidays (boo-hoo us! I do appreciate people are in far worse situations). But DD's birthday is in November and Christmas is coming, and I honestly don't know how we're going to get through them (we will, but it will be hard. Not foodbank hard, but hard).

So far, so first world. I do get I'm being first-world!

I was talking to mum today, and I was telling her about this. My mum is wealthy (because of dad's business). So firstly, mum was offering to give me some of my inheritance early, and inherit less as a way to solve our immediate issues. I really don't want this (a) it breaks my heart to think of my mum dying and (b) at my age and stage, I think we should be dealing with this ourselves and finding our own solutions.

But, while we were talking about money, she had something to suggest to me. She said it came from the best place and out of kindness, but that she knew I wouldn't see it that way, but was going to tell me in any case.

When she dies (urrrrgh, urrrrgh, urrrgh. This breaks me!) me and my sister (who are NC) will inherit both a reasonable amount of money and property. And the business (which also comes with both). Her delightful BF has suggested that me and my (NC) sister will pay less inheritance tax if she gives some money to him which he has told her he will give to us.

I don't want to sound grabby. And I told mum it was her money, and she was welcome to give it all to the local cat's home if that was what she wanted.
But isn't this fucking cunt prick fleecing her? He's TOLD her he'll give it to us. But he's under no obligation to.

If he didn't, or if he put conditions on it, we'd have no chance to report him, because it's a tax dodge (and so illegal). It also means he'd stay in our lives, which I couldn't countenance (I fucking hate him,and would want nothing to do with him if mum wasn't around. I feel this is a way for him to stay in our lives)

This is very horrible and base. I'm ashamed about it, because I feel it's reducing my mum to what I'd potentially inherit from her, which is horrendous for me. I don't want to live in a world without her in it. With or without money.

But if this creep stays around, I promise I want nothing to do with him after mum dies. I don't want him to have a hold over me, potentially dishing out the occasional tenner if I'm nice to him.

How can I tell my mother I think he's a chancer who's fleecing her, when she's happy? And there's SO much back-story I'm not mentioning about my sister, who's made mum's life a misery.

This is just horrible!

I think your Mum sounds manipulated rather than manipulating.

Some people are needy, too giving, lack boundaries and will put up with almost anything to get love and affection.

It's good your dc aren't ever left alone with creepy but I also wouldn't ever leave them with creepy and your DM - she sounds over trusting and not in a position to protect them.

From your conversation there is no liquid money to gift at the moment anyway, but if there ever is I'd take it.

I agree with Blu that this man suggested he take your DM's money on some ridiculous made up inheritance tax grounds. He's a chancer as well as a sex offender. It would be worse if she gets isolated from you.

It's a horrible situation for you to have to deal with op.

But, I am someone who's been brought up by a mother who's had convicted sex offenders and others as friends all my life

You mother sounds very needy and lacking in boundaries . Most people who work professionally with people who have such convictions do not have them as friends, nor to they have them around their family.

No one has suggested that the world is black and white. No one has said that we are not more than our worst act. But there are CONSEQUENCES when your commit many sexual offences against children . Make no mistake , no one ever went to jail for their first offence against children . Most of these men will have abused more than 60 children .

These are not ' good people who got drunk once and got into a fight and hit someone and he fell over and died but really it was all a mistake ' .

And I'm sorry, your comment about hitler being a vegetarian is just ridiculous

On a practical note, if you search inheritance tax on:

which.co.uk
Or
Moneysavingexpert.com

There's really clear explanations of the IHT rules.

I'm wondering whether to involve the police with his previous convictions. He will marry her on her deathbed and you will have nothing. I think the police would be very interested to hear this and at least if anything does occur you will have something to contest later on.

There are two very separate issues in your posts OP.

Your financial situation is your and your H's problem and as such you both need to deal with it. Your joint work life balance isn't working if you can't manage financially.

Your DM's boundaries as a counsellor are dangerously skewed. She is in a sexual relationship with a convicted sex offender (paedophile?). If she took this to professional supervision it would ring alarm bells.

OP could you ever see yourself befriending someone who's devastated the lives of children and their families, in front of your DH and children who are upset and uncomfortable? Can you then see yourself going on to have a relationship with him, rubbing in your daughter's face how much you enjoy sex with a paedophile? Can you then imagine seeing your DD struggling financially and using that to manipulate her into a relationship with said paedophile?

Your mother is seriously fucked up. She's enjoying this.

OP, what awful reading.

I'm also struggling to understand why you and your sister weren't left anything on your father's death. I know it's moot now, and you have explained that your father wanted your mum to have the best of everything, but I still think it's wrong and not the norm.

I also think it would be helpful for you to get over your fear of talking about your Mum's death and what will happen afterwards. It's not helpful. My father had a v similar [IHT] situation with his mother and an NC sibling, in that they wouldn't talk to sort out my grandmother's financial affairs whilst she was alive. The result was an IHT bill of seven figures. All because neither wanted to think about it or take any action.

What a shame that there is no available cash for you now (not being sarcastic). I find it hard to believe tbh. I'm struggling to understand how your mum can sit back and watch you struggle when it could be avoided.

I hope I don't make you feel worse, OP. You sound fab.

To add, you can certainly have empathy for a sex offender. But there is world of difference between having empathy and forming a close friendship, then a sexual relationship that jeopardises your relationship with your children. You see that don't you? It's ok to feel very angry about this.

Also, lots of us work with "social pariahs" but going on to befriend them?

Professional work shouldn't blend into a private life like this. Your DM's boundaries are really all over the place. For some reason she's drawn to sex offenders on a personal and professional level.

"it's boys he's more interested in'

That's okay then. I think you've spent so much time around someone who minimises (even normalises) unspeakable acts that it makes you able to compartmentalise where it suits you (and her).
How would it be if your children were boys? Would your DM be finding ways of making it all right then, and you be doing somersaults in your head to square with it?
Surely counsellors are the very people who would avoid a relationship with someone like this, no matter how horny they were? Aren't there rules and professional standards to apply?

Sparrowhawk - you have put into words what my feeling are based on what the OP has told us.

I would feel deeply uncomfortable about the OP's situation. I have known convicted sex offenders through my past job. Although I could be civil to them and do my job professionally, I could never have and would never had befriended them. OP's mother crossed the line the day she began to consider this man as her friend.

You poor love, but listen up, OP.
Make an appointment with an independent financial advisor, speak to him, prior to your visit, about your concerns for your Mother, then take her along.
Accept any monies that she is prepared to give you, now.
God forbid she marries this vile man, but you cannot change her mindset.
If you could speak to your sister about this, she may stand aside you, given for her own ends, but still you can battle together.
You need to address this sooner, rather than later.
Don't give this chancer breathing space. 😡

OP you've had lots of great legal advice about the inheritance on this thread but the thread is also hugely identifying. Best to write down everything you need to and get it deleted.

I don't personally agree with the stance on allowing DC to be around this man, even under constant supervision. But as you've said to PP, I don't need to agree or walk in your shoes.

I'd also say, I cannot work out your mother's reasoning over the money. When she thought it would help avoid inheritance tax, that's understandable. But you told her she could simply gift it directly to you and it would be tax free, so she replied saying she could gift it to Creepy to give to you?? Why is she so bent on giving him money? Escpecially if he's supposedly better off? I'd be questioning that with her if I were you.

Your mother's determination to give the money to the paedophile first is all about forcing you to engage with him IMO. She's manipulating you.

^^ exactly this

WhoIsShe, I know you are being very careful about protecting your children and not leaving them alone etc. Of course you are.
And I am fully understanding of much of your Mum's compassion.

But your children are associating with this man, on their innocence are liking him, enjoying seeing him, and they are being put in a position they do not understand.

I have a loving caring mother. When I was a child she employed a person she had looked after some years earlier when he was in care. He had subsequently been convicted for exposing himself to children. She felt for him because she knew his upbringing and tried to help his rehab by employing him. Of course, she 'protected ' 3 year old me, but actually he did find bizarre ways to expose himself, I wasn't upset, I just remember him Being the man who had a lot of pink in front of him, but later, as a teen , I realized about all that pink and told mum. When she explained how he came to be there I was, well, the ground kind of fell away. I thought 'how could you do that?'. We are still close, it didn't destroy our relationship , I understand why she did what she did. But it permanently changed my feeling about her methods of parenting.

You can probably kiss the inheritance goodbye but I'm afraid it's the least of your worries.

I hope that when all the DGC grow up (a) they'll understand we DID protect them - we did make sure they were never alone with him.

That's a folorn hope. What happens when your children get to the age where you aren't with them 24/7 and they have this lovely friendship and closeness with him and with his children? You really think your children wont ever get the chance to see him without you knowing and wont ever want to? They may not be in danger yet but you have been allowing a dangerous situation to build up.

The person you need to stop defending is your mother. You can only protect her if you stop defending her dangerous behaviour. And to be honest I am not sure you can protect her at all - proteccting your own family may be as good as it gets. But even to do that you need to stop defending her. Up til now you may have believed that it was due to "empathy" from her job but you've been told more than once that people who counsel sex offenders do not normally behave like your mother and you don't seem to have taken that on board yet.

But I don't think you quite realise that. And you will need to start protecting your children a bit better than you have been.

We were never left alone with my grandfather. Didn't stop him behaving inappropriately towards me, having another adult present is no guarantee of safety they're good at being subtle, and disguising their behaviour. Same with my uncle, it only takes a couple of seconds to stick your tongue down a child's throat :(

Does he not have any boundaries placed upon him, like not being in contact with children? I'd be ringing the police, and seeing if I could lever him out of your mother's life that way.

The comment that he's 'into boys' totally disgusts me. My abusers were also into boys, they told me, but oh well only girls were available, so any port in a storm eh?

OP this must be awful! :( Your mum sounds like the vulnerable one who needs a friend herself. Does she have any mates you can talk to - anyone at all she might listen to if you were to explain your fears regarding this man? Regardless of the money thing I would want her away from him!

Take the money now whilst she can see you and your family enjoying it. Get a proper will drawn up before she marries him :(

Can you try to improve her self esteem to make her see she can do a lot better than this awful BF. .

Can you DH find some PT work to take the pressure off you? I'm assuming he's incapacitated somehow and is unable to work, but there may be something he could do to earn extra money for birthdays and treats.

Sorry but your mother doesn't sound lovely at all. She sounds at very best dangerously deluded and you are collaborating in her delusion.

You say you're protecting your children, but you're not. You are training them to lower their boundaries around this man. What will they do when they're old enough to walk home from school alone and he passes by and offers them a lift? They'll accept, because their boundaries have been eroded. God help any young boys they're friends with who then also sees him as safe, because your daughters see him that way.

Stop making excuses for your mother. Forget the money and any inheritance. Properly protect your children and other children around them. You need to cut this man out of your life completely and if that means cutting your apologist of a mother out too, so be it.

get some money short term for Christmas, whatever. Just ask for it outright.

Book some sessions with a counsellor because there is an awful lot going on here.

The money is the least of it.

I would make your mum visit you alone in your house, whenever she wants to see the kids. You are giving your kids the wrong message, which they might not understand now but might get at later age. You are normalising child abuse under their eyes by not only not having apparent consequences but also by letting them have contact with him in a friendly caring way without your presence. They might not know now, but once they know, how will you justify it to them? Idk, I wouldn't take the risks or even appear understanding, I don't think sexual abuse to children is the same as any other crime, I don't think I could pass the label.

At the same time, I don't think I would be openly against him being with my mum, because I wouldn't want my mum to have to choose between me and him, which might go the wrong way if she's loving do much her sudden sexual life and taking into account she has already stopped contact with one daughter, so you might be the losing party. Also, it would be very easy for the bf to suggest to get married in secret, as you dislike him and it would be a big deal. They get a romantic adventure, which she seems to like, and all of you would get nil money. He might not need it, he might be loaded, but he might do it because it's the only way he has to show you he doesn't like you either. He must feel uncomfortable and frustrated that your visits highlight his past, since he has to leave the house every time. That alone might be a motivation to get back at you. So maybe he's not conning your mum, who he might care about, but you, who he doesn't give a damn about. I think you need to pretend you are better about their relationship, so they keep you in the loop (knowledge is power!), but at the same time I would ask her to visit alone in your house or at any other place. So a yes to their adult relationship and a not to the children relationship. It might also be that because your mum has to defend him all the time, he's not seeing the real guy but her idealised and romanticised version of him. Just as teenagers do when they hear criticism from their parents.

I'd get my inheritance early if possible and set up a university fund for the kids with most of that. I'd avoid confrontation with DM just to also keep in the loop and make sure she's ok. I'd bring your sister closer to the family but would not do a team again the guy, your DM is obviously biased and is likely to just tell you both to leave her alone and cut contact. I actually think your mum needs help at a psychological level, she seems to go to extremes to "save people", show sacrifice and be rewarded with love in exchange. She's not thinking about herself and I don't think she's thinking about her direct family either, she's trying to help every stray cat she finds and it's up for any "saving-challenge". If I had to guess, I'd say she felt unloved by one of her parents and is trying to find self-worth by parenting every person she meets who has problems.

Take the money, make it last or even keep it safe for the potential that your mum might have nothing when she needs it.

Btw, I'd not discourage her from buying a new smaller house, even in older people's areas: she'll meet more people her age, she might get outsider's POV in the matter and these places are quite good nowadays, with everything close by. Better now that she can actually enjoy the socialising aspect of it, than in 10 years time, when she might need a care home instead!

she's thinking of moving into an old-people's home, and I think that's her being old before her time.

If she was with your father since she was 13 and was a parent very young then maybe she's never lived independently by herself and she's just not comfortable with it. If it wasn't for Mr Creepy then maybe one of the upmarket homes or shletered accommodation would have been an option. But she's been involved with Mr Creepy for years so this isn't just going to go away. You have some hard decisions ahead.