AIBU to think this isn't what happens in a normal relationship?

[Willdrama]

"D"P and I have one child together and one on the way. We live in a house that we moved to earlier this year. The mortgage is solely in his name and the house that was sold to buy this one was bought before he met me.

I gave up my job when I was on maternity leave with DS1. This was with DPs full agreement after we worked out childcare compared to salary. DP earns approximately 3 times what I did.

The plan is that I register as a childminder and will start taking children after DC2 is old enough that I feel ready. The discussed plan then is that we will use my income to overpay on the mortgage so we can be mortgage free sooner or move to a bigger house with more deposit. So although I'm not contributing now, I will be.

I found out that DP had a will made through his company (law firm) that in the event of his death splits the house between me and DC if he died. I was shocked as I only found out about the will months later, he had no intention of telling me and maintains it was done "as a training exercise" with a trainee.

I said that I was really upset as he is basically saying that he doesn't trust me with the house and that most couples would leave it to each other. Also if I'd paid half the mortgage through overpayment the half he "left" me wouldn't be inherited anyway I'd have paid for it and so he had basically cut me out by leaving his half to the DC. I said I was really hurt that he was basically saying he didn't trust me to ensure DC were financially ok if he died.

His response was "if I died tomorrow, you might meet someone else and get married then if you die they inherit all MY stuff"

I said he was basically proving my point and he said I'm twisting it.

Its not a normal way to think of your supposed partner is it? Aibu?

OP marries again when her children are ten and seven. She dies when they are twenty five and twenty two. The house she owns goes to her husband

I think you will find most people then - before the NEXT marriage protect their assests for their dc!!

I also feel its really undermining you op in the sense that he doesnt trust you.

Ie, let say he does die, he doesn't trust you to protect any assets for your own dc .

Yabu
You do need to get on the deeds but your dp is protecting you and the dc. How many people get remarried and dont have a will or update the one tbey do have? It doesnt matter what you intend, the law may not view it that way in an absence of a will.

My ExDH wouldn't take out life assurance so if anything had happened to him I would have had to sell the house, as well as take care of two grieving children and my own grief. Selfish man.

If you are in a relationship and have children then, imo, you should fully commit. What happens after he has passed on really won't matter to him but he should want to be sure that you and your DC will be financially secure.

Its not that he doesnt trust her but things get forgotton in daily life, let alone in times of grief. I think hes protecting them all.

What if you don't get on with your dc when they're grown up? What if they want to move out but can't buy you out?

Very odd way of doing things. If you're not married you'd have much more security being on the mortgage too. You both need to see a solicitor and look at drawing up trusts for your children if he's concerned about 'his'/family money going to future new partners.

I know a lot of fellow wids through a support group so I can say with some authority that as a group of people who know that swift, early deaths can happen and how catastrophic this is for dependants, the chances of us not having wills or forgetting to update them on any subsequent marriage is minimal.

I also know how devestating it is for the surviving partner's ability to work and earn decent money alongside dealing with their own and their children's grief and I think that all the estate should be left to the partner if (in most cases) there isn't enough there that the DC would definitely inherit one day anyway.

Obviously this is assuming young children, as in OP's case. Wills can be revised at any point, and the situation may be viewed differently when they are older.

I'm bloody glad my DH didn't do this so I don't have to go, cap in hand, to trustees to get permission to move house and have them pore over my financials.

He is BVU. I have left in my will the house to DP and vice versa. What happens if he dies young? You could be made homeless with no job, and only the value of half the house to live in. I would not want to risk my DP being homeless.

Honestly wills become very complicated when people blend families.
But they aren't a blended family. Neither of them have other children, they just have children together.

I'm confused by the inheritance tax. If the OP isn't married and isn't on the mortgage or deeds, surely this would attract IT (depending on the value of the estate)?

And remember you and DP will be the ones who have worked together to create this wealth. You will be paying the mortgage. So it should be your money too.

I think you will find most people then - before the NEXT marriage protect their assests for their dc

You would be surprised. An awful lot of people don't.

I'm bloody glad my DH didn't do this so I don't have to go, cap in hand, to trustees to get permission to move house and have them pore over my financials

The trustees would not pore over your financials. As long as you were preserving your children's share of the estate there would be no grounds for them to intervene.

If the OP isn't married and isn't on the mortgage or deeds, surely this would attract IT (depending on the value of the estate)?

Correct. However, imagine that the OP's partner left his entire estate to her. When he dies IHT is paid on the estate. Whatever is left goes to her. When she dies that will form part of her estate and IHT will have to be paid again before the children get anything. By leaving half his estate to the children with a life interest for the OP her partner is ensuring that only one lot of IHT will be paid before the children get their share.

If the OP and her partner were married it would potentially be different. But, as they are not, leaving money to the children in this way can be the right approach to maximise their inheritance.

I think he was very wrong not to tell you. That's awful.

The actual split in case he dies I agree with - and in fact when I get around to making a will, I shall do the same. My DP is a SAHD and we live in a flat that my father bought for me 10 years ago. As it's in Central London it's gone up in value a lot, so my plan is the money that dad put in goes to DD and anything above that to DP. Not that it's a plan I want to come to fruition!!

I think your DP needs to explain why he didn't involve you in something so important, but I don't think he is legally or financially wrong.

I don't actually see anything wrong with splitting assets between you and your children. It's what I have done with my life insurance for example, as well as the house, we are both on the mortgage though, and you should be too, I can't understand why you'd ever be comfortable not being. In the event of a split, you'd be screwed.

You're not married, your name isn't on the deeds, you currently have no job, he wants you to become a childminder to overpay his mortgage?

You don't have any financial security at all. I would think long and hard about what you actually get out of this "relationship"

We all get together and have kids with the intention of being together for life, so where is the problem eh? Well unfortunately like doesn't always go to plan and people split. If you were married then Law would see them as joint assets and you would be in a strong position to get a share of what you have contributed and (maybe unfairly) as he has earns lots more possibly more than what you have contributed (if you could put a figure on it). But I take it you are not married and that is a whole different ball game. The danger is you are contributing to something you have no ownership of. It puts you in a precarious situation in many ways.

Surely he would leave the house to you trusting that you would do right by the kids and leave it to them in your will? I am not sure if this lack of trust is healthy.

The way I see it if you pay towards it you should be on it. Either that or put a ring on it, although that is a sad and not very romantic reason for marriage. On the other hand you could argue that that is a very romantic argument for marriage because it is a massive sign of trust when someone has far more to lose finically form marriage than the OP (but I guess the pitfalls of marriage are anther matter).

For now definitely store evidence of what you contribute towards the mortgage. Do you pay your part of the mortgage direct to the mortgage provider or to him?

Oh by the way I do wish you both the best of luck and a long and happy life together but always best to have a plan B.

Putting some figures on this might help to explain.

Imagine the house is worth £1M. When the OP's partner dies IHT will become due on that. At current rates that would be £270k, leaving £730k to be distributed according to the will. If he leaves his entire estate to the OP she will inherit £730k. When she dies it will form part or all of her estate and IHT will again be payable - there is no IHT exemption for inherited assets. At current rates if we assume this was her entire estate £162k would be payable leaving £568k to be split between the children.

If, instead of leaving his estate to the OP, he leaves half to her and half to his children with a life interest for her, she will inherit £365k. As in the previous scenario IHT will be due on this when she dies but, at current rates, this would only be £16k. The children would also at this point get the £365k that had been left to them so there would be £714k to be split between them.

If the OP and her partner were married this would be irrelevant - they could easily arrange things so that the entire £1M was preserved for their children without resorting to life interests. But for unmarried partners doing what the OP's partner has done can make a huge difference to the children's inheritance.

I hope this helps.

Interesting thread with differing opinions. I have a will which leaves my proportion of my home to my son. My partner has a similar will. I posted in Legal prior to seeing our solicitor and was fortunate to get the benefit of prh47bridge's, and others, like mumblechum's, advice. I found this so helpful when we went to our solicitors because we could provide her with exact scenarios and outcomes we would want. As a result we have wills which I believe protect both the surviving partner and our son. Perhaps it is not the romantic "don't you trust your husband/wife enough to leave them your estate?" approach others adopt but it feels right for me (us).

For me the issue is less the contents of OP's partner's will but that she has no protection from a relationship breakdown now. She has no job, and would have no home and two young children. This is the situation I think you need to address urgently OP.

Thanks prh. That makes sense to me now. So if you're lucky enough to own a massive property in central London, a life interest is going to be an inheritance tax mess. However, if there's little chance of that it's not something to worry about.

Humid - let's say OP's DP dies soon. Can't remember age of current child, but for ease lets say 1 and another about to be born. In three years she meets someone else, in five years they marry/ move in together in the house. He then lives with her for another thirty years (contributing to mortgage, maintenance and probably the children as well). She dies. Do you really think it's unreasonable for her to leave part/all of the house to him? I think I probably would leave a significant part of the house to my DH/DP in that situation - it's become his house too.

Oh and prh I think I was stupidly forgetting they weren't married when I raised the inheritance tax issue! (Which makes no sense given the rest of my original post)

Of course you are contributing .Your wage is being sacrificed to bring up his child

The terms of the will don't worry me, but the fact he won't put you on the deeds NOW is alarming. Why would he take you as a life partner, have children with you and yet not fully share his wealth? Are you a team or not?

Cheap with money, cheap with love. There will be other issues too.

It's not a lack of trust it's prudent financial planning for your DCs future.
Me & DH have this arrangement. He can live in the house for life but half value goes directly to DCs - if he remarries, moves spends his half all on toffee after I die my kids still have half the value of the house direct from me.

What Canyouforgiveher said:

*You are incredibly vulnerable - no marriage, no house, no job.

Tell him his child could marry someone, divorce, and then that person could get their hands on what he very clearly thinks of as HIS stuff. Doubt it will make a difference though.

I would not be in a relationship with someone so uncommitted to me. Different if this was a second relationship with children of a first marriage he wants to protect but it isn't. He doesn't see why you should have any interest in his property but at the same time is willing to take your money to pay the mortgage.

Don't overpay his mortgage if you are not on it. He is thinking about what will suit him best as an individual. You should start doing the same.*

Don't see a huge problem with you and DC being in the will but the fact he made it without you knowing seems a bit off. However, if you are contributing to the mortgage your name needs to be added on the deeds and even if you're not contributing it should be in joint names or else he could change his will at any time to leave 'his' house to whoever he wants

Yabu ... He is being very sensible regarding will.

Not being married and not being on the deeds though is something that needs looking into further.