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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think this isn't what happens in a normal relationship?

160 replies

Willdrama · 05/10/2016 21:08

"D"P and I have one child together and one on the way. We live in a house that we moved to earlier this year. The mortgage is solely in his name and the house that was sold to buy this one was bought before he met me.

I gave up my job when I was on maternity leave with DS1. This was with DPs full agreement after we worked out childcare compared to salary. DP earns approximately 3 times what I did.

The plan is that I register as a childminder and will start taking children after DC2 is old enough that I feel ready. The discussed plan then is that we will use my income to overpay on the mortgage so we can be mortgage free sooner or move to a bigger house with more deposit. So although I'm not contributing now, I will be.

I found out that DP had a will made through his company (law firm) that in the event of his death splits the house between me and DC if he died. I was shocked as I only found out about the will months later, he had no intention of telling me and maintains it was done "as a training exercise" with a trainee.

I said that I was really upset as he is basically saying that he doesn't trust me with the house and that most couples would leave it to each other. Also if I'd paid half the mortgage through overpayment the half he "left" me wouldn't be inherited anyway I'd have paid for it and so he had basically cut me out by leaving his half to the DC. I said I was really hurt that he was basically saying he didn't trust me to ensure DC were financially ok if he died.

His response was "if I died tomorrow, you might meet someone else and get married then if you die they inherit all MY stuff"

I said he was basically proving my point and he said I'm twisting it.

Its not a normal way to think of your supposed partner is it? Aibu?

OP posts:
alafolie29 · 05/10/2016 22:01

jessica Fair enough. I'm not against other people having this set up. But it's not for me.

OP's problems as far as I can see are

  1. Financial vulnerability - unmarried SAHM and not on the mortgage Shock
  2. Partner making a secret will. This should be discussed.
JustMarriedBecca · 05/10/2016 22:02

I'd leave everything to my children but put in place a life trust allowing you to live in it for the duration of your life. It's an inheritance tax point and Law 101. Is this what he's done?

Sparklesilverglitter · 05/10/2016 22:04

Me and dh own half our house each, if one of us dies our half of the house of left to DD.
Same with our individual savings if one of us die they are left in trust to DD.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 05/10/2016 22:06

We haven't done it this way OP.

DH and I have mirror wills, each inherits from the other - it's put in a trust for the dc in the event of both of our deaths together.

If he doesn't trust you to do right by the dc, then I can't imagine what he thinks of you. My DM has remarried, but has managed to do right by us (dc of her first marriage) in that she's also written a will.

SanityAssassin · 05/10/2016 22:06

My parents were happily married for over 60 years but when my Mother died she left her half of the house to us Children. Her sensible way of protecting at least some of the asset from car home fees etc. Definitely not a lack of trust.

We have the same set up.

Pinkheart5915 · 05/10/2016 22:09

Me and dh have a lot of assets, that we own equal shares of.

If one of us die that persons 1/2 is left equally to ds & DD but in trust until the DC are 21.

Everything I have is my children's, same as everything DH has is DC

JustMarriedBecca · 05/10/2016 22:09

Also FYI the benefit of a trust (aside from inheritance tax) is that the house is held by your children so they can take out a mortgage against it to help secure their own home whilst you live in yours under the deed of trust. That's how most of my friends with Saavy parents have secured their first properties.

Softkitty2 · 05/10/2016 22:09

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Bagina · 05/10/2016 22:12

What if the surviving parent doesn't want to stay in the marital home til they die, but they've got to in law, as dc own half of it??? It's ridiculous. Being dictated to by your dc! About your fucking house!!!

MagikarpetRide · 05/10/2016 22:13

bagina My DPs have a similar will despite being married for nearly 40 years. When one of them dies I have no intention of marching in there demanding the house sold or to live there and turfing out the survivor the day after the funeral. However they want to ensure the survivor doesn't piss their share of hard work up the wall when they would like their hard work to benefit their DC and GC which has happened in our family.

Bagina · 05/10/2016 22:15

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edwinbear · 05/10/2016 22:15

A cautionary tale about having home ownership as tenants in common rather than joint. My parents changed from joint to tenants in common as part of inheritance planning. My dm had been a SAHM for 30 odd years, no income, no pension. My father had an affair 6 months before he died and amended his will to leave his half of the house to his mistress. When my father died, dm had to sell the family home and write a cheque for hundreds of thousands of pounds to my father's mistress. Had they remained as joint owners his half of the house would have automatically fallen to dm. Clearly not at all what dm had signed up to when she agreed to change to tenants in common.

The problem when your halves of the home are totally separate, is that the will made when the ownership structure is changed, is not necessarily the will that stands on death. It is very easy for one partner to change what happens with their 'half' without the other party knowing.

OP I too believe you are incredibly vulnerable and the will is not your priority at the moment.

AntiHop · 05/10/2016 22:16

Yanbu. I bet all the people above who say they have this arrangement had discussed it with their partners before writing a will.

I've left everything to my dp and trust him to do the right thing.

Bagina · 05/10/2016 22:17

MagikarpetRide, yes but what about dc who are naive and malleable with horrible partners who come into their lives?? With their eyes on the prize??

JellyBelli · 05/10/2016 22:18

Yanbu. Do you have the right to live in your home for the rest of your life? that would be the standard arrangement.

clumsyduck · 05/10/2016 22:22

Op if he won't put you on the mortgage then I wouldn't pay a penny into it tell him you would also like Similair financial security and once you are back at work will be saving up to get a deposit together to buy your own property !!

AyeAmarok · 05/10/2016 22:25

I also think this is quite sensible of him.

MagikarpetRide · 05/10/2016 22:26

bagina thats where trusts come in. They don't automatically end at 18.

Buck3t · 05/10/2016 22:27

Willdrama Its he fact he doesn't trust me to put the DC first if he wasn't here.

I don't know what everyone else has said, but from what I have read so far, you have no share in the house in which you live in.

You've given up work and have no income (yet), being main childcarer.

I presume no life insurance, so if anything were to happen to you your DP and children's lifestyles would change drastically as he'd probably have to find the money to fund childcare - which given lawyer hours would be quite drastic, limiting the children's choices later on possibly.

For me these are just basics to ensure my children are safe. If you don't have these in place already you are not currently looking after their interests, so imho he's right. I trust my husband (19 years at the end of the month 13 years married in November), but my kid's interests trump my trust in him, so I make sure I've got things in place, as their parent that's my job.

Just so you know most people don't have these in place, it doesn't mean their evil, but everyone thinks on different levels, your DP was being pragmatic.

Sorry UABVU.

edwinbear · 05/10/2016 22:28

Magikarpet out of interest though, in the event you were ever made bankrupt for instance, would the courts perceive your share to be an asset, which they could then pursue in settlement of your debts and thus force a sale? Even if your surviving parent was still living there?

Somerville · 05/10/2016 22:30

I can't understand him making a will without discussing it with you.

But to be honest I can't understand giving up work when having children with someone you're not married to, either. Don't mean that as a dig, but it leaves a woman in a financially precarious position. Plus, it seems that you both want a secure future for your DC, so whichever of you doesn't want to get married should weigh up things like widowed parents allowance.

Anyway, to get back to the matter in hand, my DH knew he would die and had time to have changed his will to leave some of his estate directly to our DC but didn't. He trusted me to look after them.

For me that means putting a pre-nup in place before I get married again in a few months. Thereby protecting my house and insurance payout in the event of divorce.

Also it means taking out an additional insurance policy on myself of which my fiancé is the beneficiary, because my children will inherit my estate.

If my DH had left half the property to my DC then I wouldn't have flexibility if I needed to move home. And what about when I'm no longer working and need to downsize? Would I have to give my (by that stage adult) children half the equity at that point? Or sell up sooner and put it in trust for them - thereby postentiwlly not being able to afford to house them?

Leaving half a property to children sounds extremely unworkable to me. He should take out life insurance of which they're the beneficiary if he wants to provide for them in a way that you can't touch in the future.

And you should think about whether a man who doesn't trust you to do right towards your own children should be trusted to do right by you as a SAHM who has helped pay off his mortgage with no protection whatsoever.

Bagina · 05/10/2016 22:33

Fascinating. And I'm not spiteful; I'd give my dc whatever they needed, but it must be my decision to give what's mine, not their right to take it.

MagikarpetRide · 05/10/2016 22:34

edwin in the case of my DPs will, I believe currently it doesn't count unless the property is sold in which case my share of the profits would be forfeit if within a timeframe (7yrs past bankruptcy I think?). However they change rules up loads so hopefully, as I'd like my DPs to live for quite a while and I'd like not to go bankrupt, they'll change their wills if anything in law changes

user1475440127 · 05/10/2016 22:39

This is why marriage is so important if you choose to have children as a couple. My friend has this issue with her DP too. Been together 13 years and two children, but no marriage.
They are a fairly solid couple who both contribute to bills childcare etc, but he wont marry her.
I need to read TFT but this would worry me.
Someone has bore your child yet you cant be entrusted with the assets of your home. What does he think you will do? How does he expect you to provide for this child and find a suitable home for you to provide for this child when you have no income.
He has not put a value on you as an entrusted parent who wants to ensure your DC has a family home.
Does he expect you to be on POF the minute he pops his clogs?

edwinbear · 05/10/2016 22:41

Magikarpet thank you, and yes, hopefully all very hypothetical!!

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