AIBU to think this isn't what happens in a normal relationship?

[Willdrama]

"D"P and I have one child together and one on the way. We live in a house that we moved to earlier this year. The mortgage is solely in his name and the house that was sold to buy this one was bought before he met me.

I gave up my job when I was on maternity leave with DS1. This was with DPs full agreement after we worked out childcare compared to salary. DP earns approximately 3 times what I did.

The plan is that I register as a childminder and will start taking children after DC2 is old enough that I feel ready. The discussed plan then is that we will use my income to overpay on the mortgage so we can be mortgage free sooner or move to a bigger house with more deposit. So although I'm not contributing now, I will be.

I found out that DP had a will made through his company (law firm) that in the event of his death splits the house between me and DC if he died. I was shocked as I only found out about the will months later, he had no intention of telling me and maintains it was done "as a training exercise" with a trainee.

I said that I was really upset as he is basically saying that he doesn't trust me with the house and that most couples would leave it to each other. Also if I'd paid half the mortgage through overpayment the half he "left" me wouldn't be inherited anyway I'd have paid for it and so he had basically cut me out by leaving his half to the DC. I said I was really hurt that he was basically saying he didn't trust me to ensure DC were financially ok if he died.

His response was "if I died tomorrow, you might meet someone else and get married then if you die they inherit all MY stuff"

I said he was basically proving my point and he said I'm twisting it.

Its not a normal way to think of your supposed partner is it? Aibu?

Might be a bit difficult if they are 7, Bagina

But in any case, most of us want our assets, such as they are, to help our children.

Home Rights doesn't apply if you're not married.

I dont think its about trust. Basically he is protecting your children and as a parent that is all that matters. An example is which is quite common; if something happened to your husband and the will was not in place, everything goes to you, if you remarried and didnt get around to making a will etc and something happened to you, it goes to your husband and when that happens he can do whatever he wants with the estate. Its for the children. Dont take it personally.
I am in the process of thinking I want to change our property into 'tenancy in common' with my husband. So that if anything happens to me, our daughter is protected. Doesn't mean I don't trust my husband.

There are two issues here.

One is your financial security - which is currently zilch, as you don't seem to have any legal tie to your partner but have given up your own income to start a family with him. I would suggest that this puts you in a vulnerable position and you should think about getting some sort of legal protection in place (marriage isn't the only one) to protect you and your child(ren) in the event of a split.

The second is the will issue. While I don't condone that it was done in secret (and training exercise or no, if it was written and witnessed correctly then I am sure it is legally valid) I completely agree with his thinking. It's not that he doesn't trust you to put your DC first, but should he die while you have young children you are highly likely to remarry. You may then have children with your theoretical new partner (or they may come to the marriage with children from a previous relationship) - and if you were to die suddenly, the house would go to your new partner, and from him to his own children and not your current DH's. All he has done is to make sure there is provision for his children in the division of his assets which should happen in every relationship although I suspect it doesn't.

Our house is owned by our family trust, which was set up when the children were born. The only beneficiaries are me, DH and our children. Should I die and DH remarry, any new family could live in the house but it would belong to DH and the children only. If it is sold, the money goes back into the trust and can only be spent by DH or the children on something the trustees agree to (currently DH, me and our lawyer). If DH marries someone else and has children with them, they can live in the house but on DH's death it will pass to our children only and nobody else. He can sell it and use the money to buy a new house, but the new house will be owned by the trust and any left over cash will be the property of my children. Perfectly sensible.

But that's for the surviving parent to sort out. They can arrange lump sums etc from insurances or whatever. I don't want my hard worked for life given half away. The dc will have their own careers and families.

Are you going to take it with you then, in a coffin?

Take the case of Peter Sellers, the actor. He left all his money to his last wife Lynne Frederick , he had planned to divorce her but died before changing his will.

She had a daughter later on in her life with someone else, Lynne Frederick then died and ALL the money, assets and Sellers processions went to HER daughter who was born years after Sellers died. His OWN children, grown up or not, didn't get a penny, the children were from his first wife, and from his marriage to Britt Eckland. That to me it outrageous and so unfair, but Sellers was know to be a bloody difficult man.

Please don't take this as a criticism but food for thought.

jessica29054 I completely agree with you and, funnily enough, something pretty similar happened to me when I was a child. When I said 'sensible widowers' I wrote specifically because of this. My father acted very selfishly and foolishly. But this was nothing new.

I would not be happy if my husband expected me to act this way. It's clear the OP's partner doesn't have a very high opinion of her!

I'm with your DH on this. If he dies and you remarry and then you die, the kids are stuffed.

If dh dies I may not be able to work again, or I may decide to travel the world and spend our money that we worked for; why should the kids take half??? It's our money that we made as a couple through OUR lifetime.

Its call tenants in common. If you were to pass away and your DH remarried and then passed away, his new wife/family would have a claim on your property. Your childen would end up with a diluted inheritance.

The kids can have it when I've finished with it. Obviously.

DH and I have mirror wills that leave each other nothing and everything to the DC in trust. We are joint homeowner (or tennants in common - which ever one it is that means my half is my half so in my death DC get my half but DH retains his). Its something we plan to review when the DC hit adult age.

Our solicitor said that was all fairly common and more the done thing these days when we suggested that might not be normal.

His will does not determine what would happen if he died and you re-married and then died. Your will would. I think its odd and I thin you are vulnerable. Surely these things are worthy of joint discussion?

DH and I have left everything to each other. It's our house, we've both worked for it and the dcs will get their own stuff when they grow up and work. If we split or one of us died and the survivor remarried there are perfectly simple ways of willing money/houses to the dcs rather than 100% to the new spouse. It seems a bit pre-emptive to do it now. Why should I be disinherited out of fear that the dcs will lose out to my new partner? I'm capable of going to a solicitor and making sure the dcs inherit from my estate after I'm dead.

If I died now DH could conceivably remarry and stay married for 40+ years. We've been married less than 20. I'd like to think someone that significant in DH and the dcs lives would inherit something from her/my DH.

Surely the house could at least be left to you but in trust for the children? By leaving directly to the children, they could chuck OP out of her home. By leaving in trust, any future partner would not inherit.

Yes, but if you're dead you'd obviously have finished with it

Unless you need to bribe St. Peter which I probably will!

ala, but the point is there's no way of knowing for sure how someone will react and I'd sooner not take the chance. My DS is not even one yet so I hope I'll be around for the foreseeable but if not, I know DH would remarry, and I want to safeguard my child's interests as far as I can. It's not about not trusting DH, more about acknowledging that not everyone is trustworthy and good and people can be very clever at taking advantage of someone's grief.

I think as long as he has put in his will that you will get to stay in the house for as long as you want, the will is a good idea.

Agree about the house deeds tho - leaves you very vulnerable. Isn't it 50% of marriages end up in divorce? If you split up, 5050 chance at some point, what do you think will happen?

Jeez. This thread is an eye opener, especially the solicitor saying it's normal these days. The kids get their parents' money when they're both dead and gone.

I wouldn't have a massive problem with the contents of the will (although it's not how mine & DH's are set up).

But the fact that he wrote a will without telling his wife is, in my opinion, not a good sign at all. DH and I both got wills written just after getting married, having discussed with each other how we wanted everything to be split. If he'd just gone ahead and got one written - and then not told me about it - I would be furious!

Bagina, the point is that your child may end up with nothing while their step/half siblings get the lot.

It's shite enough having a parent taken from you at a young age, to be honest. Nothing wrong in trying to smooth the path for them if that happens.

They can't chuck her out if she owns half. There are some circs in which they could force a sale.

It is ridiculously common for the deceased spouse's share to end up going to someone other than their own kids, regardless of how good the marriage was or how much the surviving spouse loved them.

I agree with him and we are going to change to tenants in common to achieve this. With a lifetime interest in the house for the surviving spouse.

That's what I meant.

When one of you dies, or you split, that's when you review your arrangements. You don't preempt that. Dc really are a new breed aren't they. Very mollycoddled; when they would take half their parents' assets when one parent is still alive.

I lost a parent at a young age. That's when you change the will; you don't do it when you have your 2.4 and everything's tickety boo. I'm totally with you on not diluting what's yours.