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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this isn't what happens in a normal relationship?

160 replies

Willdrama · 05/10/2016 21:08

"D"P and I have one child together and one on the way. We live in a house that we moved to earlier this year. The mortgage is solely in his name and the house that was sold to buy this one was bought before he met me.

I gave up my job when I was on maternity leave with DS1. This was with DPs full agreement after we worked out childcare compared to salary. DP earns approximately 3 times what I did.

The plan is that I register as a childminder and will start taking children after DC2 is old enough that I feel ready. The discussed plan then is that we will use my income to overpay on the mortgage so we can be mortgage free sooner or move to a bigger house with more deposit. So although I'm not contributing now, I will be.

I found out that DP had a will made through his company (law firm) that in the event of his death splits the house between me and DC if he died. I was shocked as I only found out about the will months later, he had no intention of telling me and maintains it was done "as a training exercise" with a trainee.

I said that I was really upset as he is basically saying that he doesn't trust me with the house and that most couples would leave it to each other. Also if I'd paid half the mortgage through overpayment the half he "left" me wouldn't be inherited anyway I'd have paid for it and so he had basically cut me out by leaving his half to the DC. I said I was really hurt that he was basically saying he didn't trust me to ensure DC were financially ok if he died.

His response was "if I died tomorrow, you might meet someone else and get married then if you die they inherit all MY stuff"

I said he was basically proving my point and he said I'm twisting it.

Its not a normal way to think of your supposed partner is it? Aibu?

OP posts:
LadyDeGrump · 05/10/2016 21:21

Your biggest problem - which you do need to discuss with him - is your current status and protection in the event of a split.

I know lots of couples, especially with young children, who have wills like this. Essentially they want to ensure that their half of the assets goes to their child(ren) and not some subsequent partner or favoured friend/child or random next of kin of the surviving spouse. A friend's mother wrote her will like this when she knew she was dying to ensure that there would be no bad blood between her children and her husband if he remarried on the basis of "that bint getting what was our mum's".

Yes it limits money for old age homes but a) there will still be some available b) many, many people deliberately limit their own money for old age homes to pass onto their kids, knowing that to some extent the state will step in and c) the Care Act 2014 means that a cap on lifetime care costs is (supposedly) due to come in the next few years anyway.

Seriously, this is fairly reasonable and much more hypothetical than you splitting up and neither of you dying.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 05/10/2016 21:22

I think he is doing something clever, I would do the same for my will. HINBU

But yes, you put yourself in a bad situation by setting yourself as dependant without garantees. However, this is a completely different matter from the will.

LadyDeGrump · 05/10/2016 21:23

It isn't about trusting you or not, btw, it is about belt and braces protection. If he works in law he will have seen how often trust goes sour.

BillSykesDog · 05/10/2016 21:23

But you haven't paid anything into the mortgage yet have you? So that plan is irrelevant.

I think it's fair enough to be honest. I think it may well be quite astute of him.

There was a story in the paper recently about a woman whose maternal family had built up a business over decades and decades. Her mother left it to her father and he remarried and left it to his new wife and nothing to the daughter. A judge upheld that decision because it was the father's intention and she ended up with nothing.

He's protecting his children's interests.

magoria · 05/10/2016 21:25

Do not pay into the mortgage.

As you are not married or on the deeds etc you will have a hell of a job proving you have a share of a house solely in his name if you split.

He can argue you were contributing to household expenses and unless you have some form of proof all the money you put in will be gone and you will have nothing to show for it.

He could change the will tomorrow leaving it all to your DC or another and there wouldn't be much you can do.

Bagina · 05/10/2016 21:25

Don't pay his mortgage for him when you're not on it! And get on it! If he left you tomorrow you'd be homeless. Yes he should leave all the house to you in the event of his death. How would you afford to buy your dc out at 60??? You are so vulnerable it's ridiculous, but very common. You could agree to leave everything to the kids when you die. He doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart. So many women are good enough to have kids with but not to marry, cos then they have to share their money, and they're too fucking greedy! not projecting

Iflyaway · 05/10/2016 21:25

I'm sorry to say.... You let yourself be fucked over.

So much for "Womens Liberation" when they can't even deal with their own independence and taking care of their own financials.

Sorry you had to learn the hard way.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 05/10/2016 21:26

I don't understand why you're not part owner? I get that you're paying nothing (in terms of money right now) but you are providing free child care (in terms that he isn't having to pay half if you went back to work)
This to me is more cracy than him leaving it to you & kids in the will.
How long have you been together?

clumsyduck · 05/10/2016 21:27

It's a tough one. my house is solely mine small mortgage a lot of equity , dp has his own flat. He will not be coming onto my mortgage or the deeds to the house . Been there done that . All well and good thinking " what's mine is yours" but ultimately in the real world people break up . I need to have a home for my ds ( ds is not dp's) in time we may buy together seperate from property we already have . People think I'm being stingy and pessimistic I think I'm being sensible

However I do not expect dp to contribute to my mortgage and as I say long term this arrangement is u fair and we will probably buy together so I think your dp needs to draw a line under what he currently has and you need to move forward together so that you have something to show down the line for what will be years worth of mortgage payments!!!

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 05/10/2016 21:28

Having read too many victorian nivels what happens if one kids secures a loan on this house and defaults, it could leave her homeless

Bagina · 05/10/2016 21:29

I can't believe all the posters saying their dc will get half the marital home in the event of death!!! The dc go to work and build their own family homes, they don't get to take half of mine!!! Bloody hell!!!

Original poster
Willdrama · 05/10/2016 21:31

But you haven't paid anything into the mortgage yet have you? So that plan is irrelevant.

Well obviously I didn't meet him while I was on maternity leave so did while I was working :/

OP posts:
LeopardPrintSocks1 · 05/10/2016 21:31

No she wouldn't be homeless at all if he left her. She has Home Rights. Look it up on gov.uk or CAB.

Crazycatladyloz82 · 05/10/2016 21:32

If I die our DC gets my death in service (4 times my annual salary) plus all my savings. If DH dies DC gets his life insurance. We are able to earn money ourselves, I would rather our DC benefits

clumsyduck · 05/10/2016 21:32

Well my ds will get mine I sure as hell aren't leaving it to my partner of only 2.5 years , who knows what will happen in the future ?! But I know il always want to provide for my son . Not a hard choice for me at all

SanityAssassin · 05/10/2016 21:33

Me and DH have Wills set up like this (as did my parents) it protects at least half of the main asset (house) for the children.

Being a SAHM and not married to DP is something you should be WAY more concerned about,

Pixie2015 · 05/10/2016 21:34

Me and husband own half the house each rather than jointly and in our wills leaving our halves to the children - with clause we can stay in house as long as we want - we were both very happy to do this as everything with have we share x

Bagina · 05/10/2016 21:34

Never heard of Home Rights. I haven't earned any physical money since me and dh bought our house, but he doesn't pay £1500 per month on nursery fees. It's the same thing.

Hellothereitsme · 05/10/2016 21:34

Forget the will at this stage and sort your situation out. If you split up (and none of us never think we will) you could be homeless and jobless - then what? You are in such a vulnerable position that I don't know how you can sleep. I would be terrified. Go and see a solicitor immediately.

JacketPoTayTo · 05/10/2016 21:35

Yep, totally agree with you. I would be very unhappy about this. Surely if he dies then YOUR will would be altered to make sure that everything goes to your children and not a new husband. It doesn't automatically follow that by remarrying you would be leaving his assets to another partner. What happens if he dies and your children demand their share of his estate? Could you be forced to sell your home? I don't know how this works.

I would also reiterate what a PP said, you are extremely vulnerable having given up work and had children with somebody you are not married to, especially given his dubious financial decisions (which were also not discussed with you) RE this will.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 05/10/2016 21:35

You have to register for Home Rights with the land registry and it stops them selling without telling you and they can't kick you out even if not married.

Purplebluebird · 05/10/2016 21:36

In my will I put everything to go to our son, including my share of our flat, and all my savings (0 at the moment, haha).

I also wrote that my other half will "look after" the money until our son is 18, and that the money is to be used for something sensible like a house deposit (not a car).

I agree with your other half here.

However, you need to be on the mortgage.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 05/10/2016 21:37

home rights?

e1y1 · 05/10/2016 21:37

You should be on the mortgage.

When you start getting an income, you are NOT paying off the mortgage, you are paying rent; unless you are on the mortgage.

Along with you being unmarried, you are in a vulnerable position.

Original poster
Willdrama · 05/10/2016 21:38

Even aside from the contents surely it's not part of a normal relationship to create a will and not even mention it, never mind discuss it.

OP posts:
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