AIBU To expect my wife to actively search for work now DC are at school ?

[Fortnum]

My wife hasn't worked full time in the 12 years of our marriage, I have always been the principle earner. Previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage and moving to another area of the country. Now our DC are 7 &10 respectively I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible , I have even offered to invest in a business start up for her.

I earn a good wage and we can afford to live reasonably well, but now with age 40 not far around the corner , I feel we should be working very hard to bring in whatever we can to plan for the future, its all very well us owning a nice home but with another income we could pay the mortgage down even quicker and it is always worth both partners having a decent pension arrangement.

She does not seem too bothered, she has applied for precisely two jobs in 4 months. I had a period of 6 months unemployed a few years ago, (with savings) and I spent 6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers.

So AIBU ?

Plenty of good reasons for the DW to actually want to go back to work, in other words. Therefore plenty of constructive ways to approach it so that both parties end up reasonably happy and understanding of each other's hopes and concerns. We have heard nothing about what might be holding the DW back from looking for work more actively - has the OP asked her? Have they discussed how both their lives may be affected both positively and negatively, now and in the future?

SAHMs don't get breaks

Apart from the 6 hours odd her children are at school. If you're not going to RTFT at least RTF OP.

Would you support your wife retraining or studying for future career investment?

Is it that you want her to be contributing money?

Is it that you don't respect the fact that she does 'nothing'?

Do you value the work/hanging around she has to do for your children?

Do you value her at all?

Are you actually a real person?

Will you come back and answer our questions?

I guess it wasn't something the OP wanted to discuss after all.

I agree

They wanted us to discuss it

Not be belittle the work of a SHAM but if both parents are working and bringing up kids then that is they are the couple working harder. It all depends on what you want out of life and if you can afford a SHAM now both kids go to school. Plus of course the obvious implications to pensions and divorce.

Is that you dh? Yabvfu op. I have not had a job outside the home in 13 years and I only had a couple of admin assistant jobs prior to that. I have recently seperated from dh and one of the main reasons was his insistence that I get a job. But not just any job,had to be full time,bring in a certain amount of money and not impact on dh's job in anyway. Yep cloud FuckING cuckoo land.

I agree with you 1dad. I'm on Mat leave at the moment with my second but looking to return to work next year. A huge motivation for me is what happens if DH lost his job, fell ill, left me etc. I know that sounds really negative but I like my bases covered. Plus as you say you're not entitled to a state pension unless you contribute. Do most SAHM factor this in?

Besides that I love working, it's something for me. I like challenging myself and the adult
Company! DD1 was constantly sick when I returned to work. It was a bit tricky but we made it work. I do have a very supportive DH who loves me to work as he sees how much I like it!

I don't think finding a Job in school hours is realistic. I would suggest part time and after school clubs for one/two days? My mum worked full time with five kids and my dad worked in travel so was never home. We survived! I did all the clubs, play dates etc. My mum was mega organised!

1DAD you might not want to share 'your' pension etc with your ex wife, but if she has supported you in building a well paid career then those assets are as much hers as yours. Not to take any credit away from my dh because he is really good at his job but he has been able to gain promotions and increase his salary more easily because all he has had to deal with is his career. He was able to relocate abroad, do an MBA, not rush out of meetings or work trips because I took care of all our family stuff. I think I would feel resentful if he had enjoyed all the perks of having a sahp and then, when the kids were old enough for me sah not to be an advantage to him, was happy for me to have a crappy min wage job 'just because'!

The way my day works is that I am most busy in the morning and evening. My 6 hours when the dc are at school are variable - some days I have a lot to do and other days not so much. I do get some down time during the day but have much less in the evening.
Other people might well choose to be busy all day in paid employment and then in the evening doing all the house/kid stuff because they want the benefits that dual income brings. That's fine but it doesn't mean my family's choices are wrong. We just value having a less rushed day to day life.

Well, I didn't think there would be 200 responses in less than 16 hours, sorry I didn't respond earlier, but work has been busy.

I will absolutely support her retraining where necessary, and im not expecting more than perhaps a few hours 2-3 times a week.

I work away from home, but that does mean 50% of the time im at home all day every day, I Always do the school run, dog walking, pickups, evening activities and the general housework (Minus Washing and Ironing - which id be happy to do - and being ex Army I am actually quite proficient at !) Id just like her to get something for herself, broaden her horizons a bit. She's bloody clever !

The subject has only been broached on a couple of occasions, we shall talk in a few weeks when im home, perhaps like some people have pointed out it is a bit daunting. I shall see if I can encourage her a little without sounding demanding.

Also my sah wasn't imposed upon my dh. He is very much aware that it has long term implications in terms of my reduced earning potential if I do return to work and pensions etc.

I think I probably will want to work when my youngest is of an age not to need after school care/escorting to her after school activities but there is no way I am doing a crappy min wage job just to fill the hours. I will want to refresh my skills and do a job that matters to me, like my dh does!

Fortnum, what people are saying upthread is that jobs which are "a few hours 2-3 times a week" are not out there. Supermarket jobs would require her to do weekend or evening shifts. How would she cover childcare for these if you're away with work? If she says she can't do evening / weekend shifts, they'll get a student in, who also only needs "a few hours 2-3 times a week" but can do the shifts they want covering. Supermarkets will have loads of staff who already worked for them pre-baby to do the nice daytime shifts.

sit down together and see what jobs are out there that she can apply for and keep going even if you're away with work.

Well if the only issue is that she is clever and you want the best fur her/to broaden her horizons, I would propose that you gave a chat with her. Tell her that (not that you exit t her to contribute to finances) and then tell her what you are willing to do /change do it's manageable fur her.
Then listen again as to why she wants it doesn't want to work

Fortnum re read your OP. It seems to me your concerns are less about broadening her horizons and more about getting more money into the house!
Given that she is 'bloody clever', I expect she is capable of broadening her own horizons if she feels the need.

perhaps a few hours 2-3 times a week.

Doing what? can you name me some jobs that will be happy for her to work for a few hours, 2-3 times a week, term time only and that aren't very low paid e.g. cleaning etc.

To answer your question I think you need to work out what you both want from life and where you see your self long term. This will decide if she needs to get back out there.

Aderyn2016 in all honesty my ex wife contributed very little before the kids. I did a lot of the stuff around the house and managing the household. Luckily being ex forces I am quiet used to looking after my admin and that of others. Plus as it turns out she had little maternal instinct and left me to raise the kids alone. But that of course is my individual story. I think it is important to be fair in divorce but we cant ignore what if something sadly goes wrong. Basically the less combined assets you gain together less you'll have each once split. Therefore a divorce situation will hit you very harder financially if she doesn't earn her own financial wealth. And could continue to impact your quality of life well into old age.

Also I do think that society doesn't give SHAM's the status they deserve. I wish we could recognise more the being a SHAM is a valuable job if that's how you chose to run your family. Unfortunately I think the obsession with things such as the wage gap and carer progression can sometimes undermine the worth of a SHAM. I don't think their true value is recognised in society.

I think it is important to look into the effects of this in terms of state pension as well. Do you/have you considered paying into NI for her?

"Broadening Horizons" is not going to happen in a McAdmin-job.

What does she do now? When I've had time not working I've learned to cook different cuisines, got fitter, attempted to learn a language, taken on craft projects, read more broadly and took some courses I was interested in. Far more rewarding in terms of broadened horizons than stacking shelves or answering phones for a few hours a week.

Of course she should work and contribute to the household financially. And she should set her sights higher than a school hours cleaner.
And you must both see the inevitable childcare costs as shared ones.
It's easy for couples to both work in rewarding jobs, as long as the house work and childcare responsibility is genuinely considered to be shared.
Women as well as men still seem to see the man's job as primary, and the home/child stuff as hers.
The more men that demand flexible working, and accept that their career may be compromised for a while while they raise kids, the closer we will come to equality.
I am staggered by the number of women on MN who seem to be content to be housewives and skivvies, jeopardising their pensions, trashing their careers to support men's Very Important Jobs.
Sadly, I am completely unsurprised that so many men let them. .

1Dad2kids not sure I understand your point?

Many senior jobs simply could not be done without someone at home to facilitate childcare/the rest of life. It's certainly not about a working parent working harder than a sahp

It's easy for couples to both work in rewarding jobs, as long as the house work and childcare responsibility is genuinely considered to be shared

There are many many jobs where this is just not feasible.

.

I think it is no one else's business whether we think you are being unreasonable or not. This is between you and your wife. Asking random people on the Internet for their opinion, is not going to solve it for you. What do you hope to achieve?

Yes. There are many jobs, that parents choose to do, and where there is another parent doing everything else, where it is not feasible.
A pp in her 20s is already resigning herself to the idea that her career will be compromised due to children. We need to teach young men that, if they want a family, they may need to compromise also. Otherwise we continue with this polarised family set up, whice while it may suit some, just perpetuates the idea that the mans job is primary by default.

I am staggered by the number of women on MN who seem to be content to be housewives and skivvies, jeopardising their pensions, trashing their careers to support men's Very Important Jobs

Well, I'm a housewife but definitely wouldn't describe myself as a skivvy! And I chose to do it not to support DH but so that I could be the person who cared for our children. We felt it was better for our children to be cared for by a parent rather than by a nanny, nursery or childminder. We were lucky that was financially viable. Note that I didn't express that view in the pejorative terms you just used.

Fortnum - those jobs don't exist. There is almost no such thing as a stimulating, decent-earning job that you can do for a few hours a week, unless she is lucky enough to land a steady stream of freelance gigs.

If she wants to go back to work - although you need to think carefully about how your life will be substantially impacted by this happening - she will probably need to retrain (would she get on to an MBA program? could she get her qualifications up to scratch in an associated field - accountancy, IT, coding?), and then work full time. She might be VERY keen to do this, in fact, and if she is as clever as you say, she may well leave you standing, salary-wise, but none of this is even remotely compatible with "school hours".

Of course she's dragging her feet if you're wandering around saying "Get a job! Pensions! Mortgage!" and then "Oh yeah, you're still going to have to put my career absolutely first though, so max 25 hours a week, right?"