AIBU To expect my wife to actively search for work now DC are at school ?

[Fortnum]

My wife hasn't worked full time in the 12 years of our marriage, I have always been the principle earner. Previously there were some part time supermarket hours despite a reasonably professional clerical career prior to marriage and moving to another area of the country. Now our DC are 7 &10 respectively I would expect her to at least search for some work within their school hours if possible , I have even offered to invest in a business start up for her.

I earn a good wage and we can afford to live reasonably well, but now with age 40 not far around the corner , I feel we should be working very hard to bring in whatever we can to plan for the future, its all very well us owning a nice home but with another income we could pay the mortgage down even quicker and it is always worth both partners having a decent pension arrangement.

She does not seem too bothered, she has applied for precisely two jobs in 4 months. I had a period of 6 months unemployed a few years ago, (with savings) and I spent 6-8 hours a day networking where possible and applying for jobs and canvassing potential employers.

So AIBU ?

I'm a lone parent and work full time on a demanding job. My sons are in primary school, have lots of after school activities etc.

I get it all done; maybe the grass is a bit longer than it would be if I had someone at home to share the housework but bloody hell, it isn't that hard to get it all done. I'd never give up my income to keep house for my husband on the excuse that someone needs to do the school run.

Sorry, Temporaryanonymity, but I wouldn't use your life as a template for anyone who is married. You'd hardly carry on as you do if you had a dh, would you, even if you did find it supremely unstressful to do absolutely everything yourself.

LunaLoveg00d, I don't see the logic in your statement: "I would need to look for a "job" which would accommodate different hours each week depending on DH's schedule."

Surely Parent A would only need to look for childcare that covers whatever hours they do (which would be fairly regular for most roles), rather than the ever fluctuating hours of Parent B.

Similar to single Parent C, really...

I also question how many people are saying school is 'only' six hours a day. I dare say it wouldn't feel like such an insignificant amount of time if they were compelled to do something not of their choosing for that period (be it exercise, job hunt, work or otherwise).

It is kind of annoying paying for childcare when your dh is actually at home that week and could be looking after the kids himself, however, aussiecita

Roundaboutthetown, when a single working parent finds a partner, they'd probably find themselves with twice the income and half the childcare/housework burden. In the vast majority of cases, I wouldn't consider it a reason to keep someone at home on the off chance that a package gets delivered / a child gets a sore throat.

I also question how many people are saying school is 'only' six hours a day. I dare say it wouldn't feel like such an insignificant amount of time if they were compelled to do something not of their choosing for that period (be it exercise, job hunt, work or otherwise).

The amount of time is a fact. It is also a fact that most jobs require a longer working day than this - or, if they don't, don't fit nearly into that six hour slot!

Sure, roundaboutthetown, but many people would consider the trade off (career progression, financial independence, pension...) would be worth a couple of such 'kind of annoying' incidents...

NataliaOsipova, it is also a fact that childcare exists for the vast majority of people... as does the concept of sharing pick-ups and drop-offs with another working partner (or neighbour, friend...)

aussiecita - why should the OP give a flying fuck what you would consider? You're not his wife. He needs to talk to his DW and come to an arrangement that suits their personal circumstances. As for doing what they want in the six hours the children are at school, I suspect it is more likely people who get to stay at home are doing all the things they don't want to do, like hoovering, dusting, cleaning, supermarket shopping, paperwork, renewing insurance policies, preparing food, gardening, diy etc, during that time so that they don't have to do it later on.

If a couple want to have as equally balanced approach as possible, the legislation around in 2016 makes it easier to achieve that than any time previously

In certain sectors, perhaps. Many jobs are still about who puts in most hours and takes the least time off. Doesn't matter if you're male or female, but as soon as you start taking days off for sick children, school plays, leaving work early for the school run, you immediately scupper any promotion chances. Many jobs like labouring are still very male orientated, and it just isn't the done thing to be taking time off for family, especially if you get paid by the job or the hour.

Sexism is still very ingrained.

For example- just to pick up on Rufus's point- She gave up work, and wouldn't recommend her DD do the same. But she also has a son- and it doesn't seem to even occur to warn him against becoming a SAHP...

*I think round was saying that it was impossible to get the type of incredibly flexible job she would need

I gave up work 18years ago with ds1, would i recommend that my daughter do this?

Nope, not in this world*

aussiecita Yes, childcare exists. But if two people agree that they would prefer for one of them to look after their own children rather than paying others to do it, what business is it of yours to criticise that arrangement?

I find it amazing that some people will insist that parents with school age children need to be home for holidays, sick days and the odd appointment. The overwhelming majority of mother's with children this age and younger manage those while still working so I think it's pretty ridiculous to claim it's something that is particularly necessary.

And this is MN double standards. If a man did this he'd be called a cocklodger, no matter how clean he kept the house.

roundaboutthetown I suspect the OP might 'give a flying fuck' what others think, perhaps because he or she has ^posted a thread seeking others' opinions'...?

Per the OP's first post, it seems like an extended period of not working doesn't actually suit their personal circumstances.

If a couple want to have as equally balanced approach as possible, the legislation around in 2016 makes it easier to achieve that than any time previously

Agree with really. Depends what you do. My friend and her DH both work for the local council. They both work flexitime with a fixed number of hours per week. Worked very well for them. My other friend and her DH both worked for the (same) City law firm. Not a hope in hell!

In my experience, there are lots of downtrodden, elderly grandparents having vomiting grandchildren thrust upon them so that the parents can go to work when their children are sick, and lots of pissed off small businesses complaining about bloody unreliable employees taking time off at the drop of a hat with excuses about childcare problems, and lots of bad tempered, stressed parents getting road rage each morning as they try to dump their kids off at school and not be late for work. It really isn't as wonderfully stress free and healthy for a lot of people as some people seem to think...

Agreed BillSykesDog. But I suspect that these opinions might not be so prevalent until ten hours or so from now...

I haven't worked (in the sense of what general public call working) for almost five years. It's not easy to get back into the workplace again. For one, my confidence has gone down quite considerably after not being in an office environment for such a long time and two, it's just not that simple to get a job in school hours.

I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her and be supportive in that this won't be easy but you'll be by her side no matter what.

Bill I agree with you. It doesn't bother me in the slightest if a couple decide that one of them should stay at home but to claim that one parent has to be at home or can only work school hours in term time really isn't true. The fact is that, in the great majority of cases, both parents of school age children work.
And roundabout I have never 'dumped' my DCs at school or 'thrust' them on my DPs.

The problem I have with these AIBU questions is that it is always self-evident that there are valid arguments on both sides. No way is it ever going to be genuinely helpful to the poster to listen to stereotypical opinions of people with entrenched views who know virtually nothing about the reality of the poster's life. The OP's problem is a failure of communication, empathy and understanding between him/herself and his/her wife and that will not be resolved by aping other people's polarised opinions, but by the couple communicating better between themselves.

MissHoolies - I am not aware of having accused you of dumping your children at school... What have you got to do with the people I know?

As for doing what they want in the six hours the children are at school, I suspect it is more likely people who get to stay at home are doing all the things they don't want to do, like hoovering, dusting, cleaning, supermarket shopping, paperwork, renewing insurance policies, preparing food, gardening, diy etc

For 6 hours a day, everyday?
So 30 hours of housework/admin a week? Who does that?!
Of course you're going to have a lot of free time when the kids start school.

It can be done but it is a question of realising that being out of work for so long you need to do just "anything" to get yourself a recent reference showing you can function in the workplace.
I am on the verge of retiring and was a SAHM from when DS2 was born, the cost of having 2 children "minded" was too much as I needed a nanny from 7am until either myself or DH returned home.

As a SAHM I worked weekends as a receptionist I did paid babysitting in the evenings, and did a Betterware round, until the youngest of the four children started school, I then got a job as a dinner lady, then a job in a college canteen, starting full time work when the youngest started secondary school.

Dh was extremely supportive and we shared the Dr's appointments etc. and did his full share of housework duties and the like.

The main benefit of the working is now I will, when I retire shortly, have a pension (of sorts) in my own right, something which many of my contemporaries don't have.

I am in awe of single full time working parents as it is not easy.
I would have thought that the OP's other half would want to do something "for herself" to make a contribution to the family, and to have something apart from the home, I think ultimately my life has been more fulfilled by working once my children were less dependant.

I know this sounds a bit sad and unromantic. But what if all goes wrong? My ex wife never worked before or after kids. She would often start a job for a few months and then quit because she would get board with it. Now I never saw that as a problem because I always earned enough for us both.

But here's the problem if your married. You may say it will never happen but what if your divorces? This is speaking from experience. The law does not look at blame just looks to split the assets down the middle 50/50. So if your contribution to the material assets and capital is 100% and hers is 0% she'll effectively get 50% of the goodies (of course there is other factors buts that's the principle). Bear in mind if she has not built up her own pension she will be looking to take a cut of yours. Money you would be relying on when your old and who wants to paying out for their ex till they die? Now sort of fair enough if she has scarified work because you have both agreed to for her to continue to stay at home after the kids are at school. But if she has the time to work and contribute financially she should providing there is a fair share of child care and house work proportional to the respective hours you work.

Plus of course on a more positive note you'll have a bit more cash for the fun stuff in life and a better combined pension pot for your later years. Also once the kids get to a certain age (cant remember what it is now) she will no longer get a pension credit and therefore she could miss out on her state pension (unless you contribute separately, I used to pay my ex wife's NI to ensure she got her pension later in life as she didn't work).

You should try being a SAHM yourself. It's not what it seems, honestly. SAHMs don't get breaks, or annual leave, or sick leave. They don't get office camaraderie, or even company of any kind. They don't get paid for showing up, they don't even get paid for results. They just get punished when it goes wrong, on a 24/7 treadmill of constant work. If your wife has the good sense to carve out a bit of peace for herself in this constant run of work then good luck to her. I'd support her in that.