to be annoyed that my MIL goes in my room?!

[lightsussex]

Firstly, this isn't a MIL bashing thread, well, I don't mean to be! We do all tend to get on. They live far away, so she can stay for a while to spend time for GC. Thats all fine. However, when she is here she will go in our room and tidy up - basically go through the wash basket, put clothes away, take clothes out of the wardrobe to iron them (I rarely iron!). Once, she forgot to bring her face moisturiser, I was about to say 'borrow mine' but she said 'luckily I found yours in your bedside table'.....

DH doesn't really see it as a issue but I can't cope with it, just hate the thought of her going through my things and sorting stuff out. DH has said not to say anything as she can be 'sensitive' and is 'just trying to help'. I'd prefer her to spend the time playing with the kids, rather than going through my dirty washing!! AIBU?!

I am pushed for time so I have not read everybody's replies. Either tell her it is now to on or leave sex toys all around your bedroom.

I had this issue!!! My husband was the same. The final straw was when she had been in my knicker drawer. I said you tell her to keep out, because I won't be polite about it. He knows I'm not kidding, I was furious.

Go to theirs and wander round her room and see if she says anything.

It's horrible but she is trying to help. She will have purposefully ignored anything you might be embarrassed about and hey, she's been there before you and done it all. I think it's lovely that she sees you as one of her children that she can look after - be grateful.

No!!! Get a lock on the door - solves the problem.

She is not trying to help, she is invading your privacy and rampaging all over your boundaries, I have a MIL with these tendencies, snoops through her daughters mail when she's out, try's to run her adult children's lives, she sussed me out immediately as someone who would take none of this shit, it's unspoken but she knows I would go nuclear if she attempted any of this crap, we actually get on quite well😁 And I cannot believe people put up with this madness in their own homes, go nuclear people, and let the crocodile tears flow.

Op buy a lock for the door and if she mentions it, tell her I put it on to stop you snooping through my stuff.

I would be livid. Not even my own mother would dare go in my room and 'tidy up'!!! Thats your personal space! I think you should just have a polite word with her and say you dont really like it, you understand she may be trying to help but its not something you want. And if she keeps doing it after that youd be well within your rights to go full nuts at her!

YANBU. I agree with the advice back on page one, big smile, firm tone. "We love having you visit. I don't like anyone going in our room or sorting our laundry etc. Please do not go into our room. I don't want to have to start locking the door."

She will protest that she she means no harm, only helping. Yo know that, you understand but you like your privacy, need your privacy so her going in the room is not helping. You would rather she played with the kids."

Some might say it is your husbands place to tell her, and if he would like to do so, fine. But if not, it is your place, in your own home, to make your wishes known, to all and any guests.

YANBU- i would hate that too. she sounds very controlling

Put a large sex toy on the bedside table. That'll make her mind her own business ; )

I'm thinking double ended dildo on the bed. That will flummox her.

My mother reads documents if they are out. I caught her doing it and she said "what did I expect, they're out" as if it was a totally normal thing to do. They were turned upside down so clearly private. Now I make sure all paper work is either hidden or filed away before she comes. I don't think she goes through the files or my drawers though.

The MIL does not surprise me but your DH's attitude is appalling! My MIL would do this and more in a heartbeat if she wasn't scared of my DH's reaction, he's still fuming from when he lived with her as a teenager and she not only tidied his porn mags (which were under his bed, not all over the place) but unplugged everything in his room constantly so the alarm on his stereo wouldn't go off and he was late for work.
Your DH needs to grow some balls and put his foot down, this is not acceptable behaviour.

It's horrible but she is trying to help. She will have purposefully ignored anything you might be embarrassed about and hey, she's been there before you and done it all. I think it's lovely that she sees you as one of her children that she can look after - be grateful.

No. Do not do any of this! Trying to help my arse. She's a nosy cah and need to keep her beak out of your bedroom.

Don't forget your pillows the next time you stay at her house. Ensure hers are dumped outside your bedroom door. Drift in an out of her room 'putting things away'. When it finally drives her nuts explain this is just how you feel....

Then lock your door.

I've just had an awful thought...when I stay at my sister's I go into her room all the time. Does she hate me?

Maireadplastic - probably

I couldn't deal with the confrontation and would just install a lock. My dmil had form for walking in while I got changed. I locked door the next time and, true to form she tried the door before realising it was locked. Then she knocked and asked if she could come I at which point I opened the door. She has a little smile on her face as if I was really prudish for locking it but I felt like 'I win!' inside!

That would freak me out!
Needless to say when I found my PIL roaming around our house when we had returned early from a day up in London I swiftly had the locks changed ("oh we lost our keys and were concerned about security" yeah right) and did not provide them with a spare key. Ruddy cheek!

Chocness - What did they say when you suddenly showed up? Did you just find your them looking around your house or had they made themselves at home there while you were gone?

I really don't know how a MIL thinks this is acceptable behavior TBH. I'd do as many have suggested and get a lock on the door. Its being plain nosy in the guise of tidying up.

A leather bodysuit, a cod piece, whip, ball gag, nipplet clamps and a dildo on the bed may keep her out.

If they supposedly lost their keys how did they get in Chocness?

Yes Rainbunny, we found them looking around our house. They were suppose to be dropping off something (prearranged, albeit on the doorstep, not in the house). When I found them my FIL made some excuse about our radiators being modern (WTF?) and my MIL looked v sheepish. Clearly she had been into our bedroom and seen the previous day's dirty laundry in the corner (eek!). I was not impressed, didn't really need to say anything as my face said it all.
Cocolepew- they hadn't lost the spare key we had given to them. I later said we had lost our key as a reason to get our locks changed to prevent a repeat episode. God this reminds me of how ruddy nosey and irritating they are!!!

It is all mad. I think all young adults should have to move several hours away from their parents for at least 5 years. That breaks the umbilical cord and then if you move nearer you can have adult adult relationships and not be afraid of telling them to stop nosing around and tidying your house and get a hobby if they are bored as your house isn't their project. I find all this over enmeshed family stuff awful and hard to imagine

I can't be bothered with grown ups crying out of self pity either. All this poor poor me stuff

I could have written your post myself OP. MIL always used to go in our room and get washing out of our laundry basket. We once came home from a weekend away while MIL was looking after a very young DD and she was actually wearing my clothes!

She isn't quite as bad now but she is obsessed with doing washing and cleaning at our house when she visits. She has re-cleaned the kitchen floor after my cleaner has just left in the past. She washes all of the kids clothes immediately after they have worn them by hand, even though there are dirty clothes waiting to be washed in their laundry baskets in their rooms. She insists on washing everything up by hand even though we have a dishwasher. She uses bleach on absolutely everything.

Whenever I tell her to stop she says she can't help herself but I know it's a control thing.

I think it's lovely that she sees you as one of her children that she can look after - be grateful.

No, just no.