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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my MIL goes in my room?!

155 replies

lightsussex · 05/10/2016 14:04

Firstly, this isn't a MIL bashing thread, well, I don't mean to be! We do all tend to get on. They live far away, so she can stay for a while to spend time for GC. Thats all fine. However, when she is here she will go in our room and tidy up - basically go through the wash basket, put clothes away, take clothes out of the wardrobe to iron them (I rarely iron!). Once, she forgot to bring her face moisturiser, I was about to say 'borrow mine' but she said 'luckily I found yours in your bedside table'.....

DH doesn't really see it as a issue but I can't cope with it, just hate the thought of her going through my things and sorting stuff out. DH has said not to say anything as she can be 'sensitive' and is 'just trying to help'. I'd prefer her to spend the time playing with the kids, rather than going through my dirty washing!! AIBU?!

OP posts:
Hirosleaftunnel · 05/10/2016 14:23

Mine does this, no boundaries. It used to annoy me but now I don't GAF. I have a housekeeper who is 1,000 times tidier and more efficient than MIL. My flat sparkles, all her son's pants are ironed and colour coded and my lovely housekeeper smiles sweetly,"can I help you ma'am?" Hahahaha! Take that you miserable old bitch! I fucking WIN!

PatMullins · 05/10/2016 14:23

I'm a bit worried about my search history now Grin

Original poster
lightsussex · 05/10/2016 14:24

Pat perfect!!

Baboosh I haven't done/said anything yet - other than ask DH to say please not to go in there

OP posts:
Kel1234 · 05/10/2016 14:24

I would be fuming if my mil went in our bedroom and started going through my things.
It's bad enough she takes over with my son, even though I'm managing perfectly well.

Original poster
lightsussex · 05/10/2016 14:28

addictive she bought her own pillows for the spare bed and threw away ours...and took the sheets off to iron them. I must just be a untidy bitch!!

I do really try, we both do, to make sure the house is spotless before she comes, but with work, young kids and animals its difficult, and to be honest, I can't always be arsed!

OP posts:
ladymariner · 05/10/2016 14:29

A lot of the time I read stuff on here, and think what a load of mil-bashing nonsense....this definitely isn't one of them!! I would be furious if someone went through my personal things, that's way over-stepping the mark.
I agree with the pp, just ask politely for her not to go in your room....and repeat, and repeat!

gillybeanz · 05/10/2016 14:30

Just put a lock on your door, added bonus of keeping dc out when you need privacy.

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 14:33

I never understand how anyone can have the unawareness to do stuff like this, to go round someone else's home and claim it as their own.

Your DH needs to grown a backbone. He should be the one to talk to his mother about respecting your private space.

Original poster
lightsussex · 05/10/2016 14:37

We're going to stay with them for a while. Perhaps I should repay the favour :)

OP posts:
diddl · 05/10/2016 14:40

Her son thinks that she is "trying to help"Hmm.

What a surprise-she's snooping through your bedroom!!

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 05/10/2016 14:40

I remember a suggestion in a similar thread years ago. Leave papers for applying for a working visa to Australia somewhere in your room!

Cherylene · 05/10/2016 14:43

Leave papers for applying for a working visa to Australia somewhere in your room!

Yep - lots of incriminating evidence in DH's bedside drawer too. Speeding fine?

LotsOfShoes · 05/10/2016 14:43

To be fair, I know a lot of mums who do the same to their 30 something year old children. Just tell her to stop. My guess is that, since she's always done it for him, it doesn't bother him. He probably secretly likes having everything nicely ironed etc. which is why he won't say anything. So it might be that it will be down to you to say sth, don't wait for him to do it.

BingbastardBunny · 05/10/2016 14:44

YNBU it's a bit invasive. I would never go into someone's bedroom without permission. I was brought up to respect it as someone's personal space.

MapMyMum · 05/10/2016 14:46

YANBU i wouldnt want my own mum doing that

EdmundCleverClogs · 05/10/2016 15:03

I don't blame you for being angry, some parts of the house are just private for those who live there, however close the visitor. My MIL tried this, was told in no uncertain terms, our bedroom was out of bounds. So she sorted our mail instead (both opened and unopened). When confronted, she laughed it off and said she just fancied a snoop. She doesn't get to visit often anymore Smile.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/10/2016 15:03

Your DH probably doesn't see anything wrong with his mum going into "his room" to make the bed and tidy up after him. Sure why would he? She's probably been doing that for her son since he was a little boy.

But...and it's a big but - your DH isn't a little boy any more and he should be considering your feeling on this.

As he can't/wont/hasn't told his mother to stop going into your bedroom and to ask if she needs any toiletries that she may have forgotten to bring of her own, then you must step up and say to her that you appreciate the help and you enjoy her visits but she is no longer to go into your bedroom. You don't have to elaborate on that. Just keep it nice and light and not at all ambiguous.

Good luck!

Original poster
lightsussex · 05/10/2016 15:19

Thanks everyone - I feel like I'm not being some grumpy, unappreciative DIL!!

DH once asked his mum not to use bio washing powder she had brought with her (!) and she got grumpy, and tearfully said that she can't do anything right. Made us both feel really awful....

So she is just trying to help but I am going to have to say something as I get so stressed before she visits now!

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 05/10/2016 15:22

She got tearful because he asked her to use the washing powder that was already in the house??

That's highly manipulative. She's an adult for goodness sake. That behaviour wouldn't make me feel awful it would make me furious.

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 15:22

But your DH should have told her not to do the washing at all, not not to use non bio Hmm

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 15:25

Again I think it's your DH's problem.

"Yes mum, kind of you to do the washing. But use the non bio please."

Seriously?!

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 15:29

Starting to feel a bit sorry for your mil after your last post TBH. Seems to be she thinks her role in her son's life is to tidy and clean up after him.

And he LETS HER!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/10/2016 15:32

My MiL wouldn't have dreamt of doing this.
TBH yours shouldn't need telling that your bedroom is off limits.
She will very likely take offence or get a bit upset however nicely and politely you say it, but IMO that'll be her own fault for what (to me) is a breach of good manners.

Have to say that I would suspect her of just wanting a good old nose, but maybe that's unfair. I'd have thought any grown woman of normal intelligence would know that it's just not on.

Original poster
lightsussex · 05/10/2016 15:34

She cleans up after everyone - all of the time...... Its like she can't relax until its done. Another example....On christmas day, she cleaned out the oven BEFORE we had eaten the turkey as the fat had dripped out of the tray.....and she knew it was there...waiting to be cleaned ;)

I feel bad as I do get on with her, but she is very sensitive and I think my DH, who is pretty relaxed most of the time, just lets her get on with it.

OP posts:
HPandBaconSandwiches · 05/10/2016 15:34

Don't go all passive aggressive, just be kind but firm "MIL, your help in the house is very much appreciated but I feel uncomfortable with you going in our room. I need some space that's private for me and DH. If you need anything you think may be in there, please just ask and I'll get it for you."