to be annoyed that my MIL goes in my room?!

[lightsussex]

Firstly, this isn't a MIL bashing thread, well, I don't mean to be! We do all tend to get on. They live far away, so she can stay for a while to spend time for GC. Thats all fine. However, when she is here she will go in our room and tidy up - basically go through the wash basket, put clothes away, take clothes out of the wardrobe to iron them (I rarely iron!). Once, she forgot to bring her face moisturiser, I was about to say 'borrow mine' but she said 'luckily I found yours in your bedside table'.....

DH doesn't really see it as a issue but I can't cope with it, just hate the thought of her going through my things and sorting stuff out. DH has said not to say anything as she can be 'sensitive' and is 'just trying to help'. I'd prefer her to spend the time playing with the kids, rather than going through my dirty washing!! AIBU?!

I'd be furious at anyone going through my stuff in our bedroom- and I'd be no more tolerant of my own mother doing it than my MIL.

You do need to speak to her about it.

You also need to ensure that your DH finds it a lot less comfortable to annoy you than his mother!

Have you ever called her on the crying? Since I told my mother the crying made no difference to the rights and wrongs of the situation and would not cause me to change my position, she has been dry-eyed when we argue.

I think it might have finally sunk in on the last occasion that she was being a dick. She was visiting and I pre-emptively had a conversation with her, saying that I know she likes to help, I don't want or expect her to do any housework when visiting, but if she does then she can't go in the bedroom. Tears followed, but she agreed.

She then went on to completely disregard the request and 'tidied' in the bedroom anyway. I called her on it, tears, but eventually she apologized, which seemed genuine.

Then, the key next step to resolving the situation.....

I emigrated. Have you tried that, OP?

I have mixed views. Mine does nothing here even and I even came home to a mess of a kitchen as she was in house as I was in hosputal after c section. She folded a few bits but didn't think of ironing! But to wash clothes in basket and nosey in bedroom.....
Give me a lazy one any day

But a vibrator (if you don't have one) leave it in room and hopefully she will take hint

Who in their right mind would ever tidy someone else's bedroom/wardrobe?

When we had new curtains in our bedroom MIL wanted to go see them, DH said NO (without any intervention from me). There's no way I'd be happy having her go in there. Your DH needs to put your comfort in your own home above his mothers sensitivity.

Mine rewashed my clean washing using tons of washing powder (they were stiff she used so much) my ex said I should be grateful? And she thought she was "helping" and didn't know that the clean folded washing in the basket was clean so I rewashed mine and the kids clothes but not his and reminded him how fucking grateful he should be for mummy's washing and no I did not offer to show him how to use the washing machine I told him to work it out his mom managed it so can he, he scratched himself to pieces before he worked it out

My (now ex) MIL painted my living room as a surprise while we were away on holiday. She'd always disliked the colour as much as I loved it and I was actually silent with rage.

It may have been the final nail in the coffin for my marriage. Oddly, we get on much better now I'm the ex DIL.

My PILs kindly looked after DC while DH and I went on a weekend away. FIL who barely speaks to me called me a couple if times beforehand talking about stripping the paint off the skirting boards on the stairs (he was obsessed). I said a very firm no. We came back to find that not only had he stripped the boards, he had also cut an inch and a half of carpet on either side of the stairs. We were planning to replace the carpet but it was a year and a half before we could afford to do so. In hindsight we should have made them pay for a new one.

I cauht my mil in my bed once, she was supposed to be upstairs playing with DD. DD got bored and came downstairs so I investigated. She said they were playing hide and seek and wanted to climb under the covers because they smelt like DH………

Maybe if your dh doesn't want to talk to MIL about the issue, it's time to say 'Fine, I'll spell it out to her in very explicit detail that she is the one being insensitive and intrusive and causing problems and so on, and I'll also tell her that if she can't respect our room and our privacy then she will no longer be welcome to visit us, particularly if we are not here. I'm not saying that she can't come - I'm saying that if she wants to come then she must understand that she can't go into our bedroom (and whatever else you want to throw in here for good measure - always good to put a bit extra in, so that there's a bit of negotiation room ). It's not an unreasonable thing to expect - that she should show us a little respect in our own homes. So it will be her choice - either she comes but shows us respect and agrees not to come into our room OR she chooses that she wants to snoop and do/look at things that have nothing to do with her - in which case she is not welcome to stay in this house. It is HER choice. Not mine. Not yours. Hers.

And then see what happens. Guessing he won't want you to talk that directly to her.

It's also making me think that I'm not going to be a MIL like this when the ds grow up - I loathe tidying and cleaning, it's bad enough having to do my own. Definitely not going to want to take on somebody else's especially when they don't want it doing. And my mother is itching to get into my house as she doesn't think it's clean or tidy enough - but I just do a brisk 'no thank you' and touch wood it's been ok so far... fingers crossed it stays that way!

She absolutely shouldn't go into your cupboards and drawer, or into your bedroom at all if you don't want her to. Just say "Please don't go into our bedroom without asking- it's our private space"

But it is funny that there seem to be equal numbers of people being upset because their MILs do housework and being upset because they don't!

I wouldn't have an issue with it but there's nothing embarrassing to me in my room. I wouldn't be embarrassed if my MIL was rooting in my drawers and found lube it a vibrator, if she roots, it's her problem if these sorts of things bother her.

I get along well with my MIL and I don't think she'd ever do anything like this as she is very respectful of boundaries. That said, she is an insanely intense cleaner-type of personality. She goes to town at my SIL's house (her dd).The PILs only visit for a few days at a time and I nuke the house before they visit so she hasn't shown any urge to clean or do laundry so far, she just races me to the kitchen sink/dishwasher after meals to get there first to start on the dishes :)

TBH I think my policy will always be to not allow either my PILs or my DPs to help out with cleaning/laundry etc... I just don't want to start a precedent that could lead down the slippery slope to resentment over boundaries being overstepped.

Apart from anything else, doesn't laundry seem so complicated these days! I have a lot of exercise clothing in tech fabrics and tops/dresses in materials like viscose as well as cottons and washable wools etc... I don't like anyone else, even (especially!) DH trying to figure it all out. My MIL bless her is a "all colours in the wash on hot" type of person, which is how my DH learned to do laundry and consequently ruined a decent number of my clothes in a famous attempt to be helpful.

Lock the door. What could she possibly say to object?! 'Boo hoo-I'm sad I can't rummage around in your drawers!!?'

I assume the OP doesn't have a lock on her bedroom door otherwise this issue would have been easily resolved. Time to put a lock on the door and as another pp said - blame it on the children going in there.

There are quite a few MIL on MN, I wonder if any would care to fess' up to doing a bit of snooping like this... ;)

Agree you need to make sure it's worse to upset you than MIL. My MIL has similar tears/sensitivities tantrums but distance and me getting shouty repeatedly explaining that actually her wants or response isn't reasonable meant that he can see through it now.

My mother walks in the bedroom when she visits without knocking when I'm inside. I'm 45.

Does your mil have OCD or something? If your do won't say anything, I'd definitely say something myself. She's way stepping over the boundaries.

Wow, this one has really got me riled, on your behalf. Listen to your DH, he is saying that he would rather have his mother cross at him than you.

You know what you have to do, make his life a misery and tell him why you are doing it. Show him that his life will not be worth living until he tells his mother firmly that she is to respect your privacy and stay out of your room. All the best.

ps gosh I'm cross on your behalf.

My mil has done this once. She picked up washing from our bedroom and took it home to wash without asking us. Upon return I realised it contained a very skimpy lingerie set and sexy nurses costume.

Nowadays she kindly offers for us to bring any washing over if we need to, but has never set foot in our bedroom again

Cocolepew she got into your bed & under the covers because they smelt like your dh 😂 you have to come back and tell us your reaction to that! She is batshit!

Put a lock on the door. And your DH can fuck off.

Just put a lock on the door. This would drive me barmy.

Mils in beds? Wtaf?
Feeling ever grateful for my lovely ex mil and also relief that no matter how batshit dp's mum is, she's never done this

Cocolepew, yes, your one rang alarm bells for me too!!

Fortunately don't have any dealings with my MIL, just as well given how difficult my own DM can be!

I need to get my friend to come on here and recount some of her MIL tales; there was the time she went through all my friend's underwear and declared her knickers to be far too small. Another time she went through all their private papers in the study and then started talking about how much they were paying in school fees and other private stuff that they had not told her about, so no qualms about admitting what she had been doing. My particular favourite was when friend had confiscated her teenage daughter's make-up bag for some misdemeanour and hidden it away. Her daughter then later confided that Granny had found the bag and told her where it was but she didn't want to further rile her mum and so had left it there. Friend said that her MIL must have gone through absolutely everything in order to find it as she'd hidden it really well. What really takes the biscuit though is that friend's MIL would complain about her own mother going through her stuff at her home abroad when she was back in the UK and so would lock her bedroom door so her mother couldn't go in there while she was away!

just at coco's mil! please tell us what you said!