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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my MIL goes in my room?!

155 replies

lightsussex · 05/10/2016 14:04

Firstly, this isn't a MIL bashing thread, well, I don't mean to be! We do all tend to get on. They live far away, so she can stay for a while to spend time for GC. Thats all fine. However, when she is here she will go in our room and tidy up - basically go through the wash basket, put clothes away, take clothes out of the wardrobe to iron them (I rarely iron!). Once, she forgot to bring her face moisturiser, I was about to say 'borrow mine' but she said 'luckily I found yours in your bedside table'.....

DH doesn't really see it as a issue but I can't cope with it, just hate the thought of her going through my things and sorting stuff out. DH has said not to say anything as she can be 'sensitive' and is 'just trying to help'. I'd prefer her to spend the time playing with the kids, rather than going through my dirty washing!! AIBU?!

OP posts:
WindInThePussyWillows · 05/10/2016 15:37

I stopped talking to my MIL two months ago, been the quietest two months for along time and not once have I been made to feel like a crap mother/wife/housekeeper Grin

amusedbush · 05/10/2016 15:41

DH once asked his mum not to use bio washing powder she had brought with her (!) and she got grumpy, and tearfully said that she can't do anything right.

Ugh, this is the sort of shit my mum does. She will stick her oar into something and then if you call her on it, she turns into a sniffling victim. It winds me up and I don't pander to her anymore.

Last example was we (mum, dad, me, DH, Dbro, Dbro GF) agreed to go on a big, expensive holiday to Florida next year. None of us have been before, all really excited. Agreed on two weeks, picked dates, started pricing things. I then get a text out of the blue to say that she (very generously) booked a villa for us all, for nine nights in the wrong month. When I point out that we agreed on 14 nights in X month, she phoned me crying that she couldn't do anything right and no wonder nobody liked her Hmm

Money isn’t an issue for any of us, she had no valid reason to do it but of course, true to form, she does something daft but I end up apologising to her! Angry

redshoeblueshoe · 05/10/2016 15:44

I don't think she is being nice or helpful by doing washing/ironing/cleaning the oven. I think its rude, as though she is judging you for not doing it the way she does.

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2016 15:44

Don't go all passive aggressive, just be kind but firm "MIL, your help in the house is very much appreciated but I feel uncomfortable with you going in our room. I need some space that's private for me and DH. If you need anything you think may be in there, please just ask and I'll get it for you."

Too much detail. Stop at 'Please don't go in our room.'

And I'd bring my own pillows too... Blush

notangelinajolie · 05/10/2016 15:46

Get locks! It was my mum that used to that. Always bloody cleaning, dusting and ironing - it used to drive me insane. One night she was babysitting for us with her cousin (another fanatical cleaner) - we'd walked to the end of our road and I realised I'd forgotton my phone so we turned round and headed back home. I could see both of them up in our bedroom Shock. Locks were fitted next day. I told her it was to stop the kids playing with my make-up - I'm far too much of a wimp to tell her the real reason.

amusedbush · 05/10/2016 15:47

I’ve just realised I said “money isn’t an issue for us” like I’m totally loaded Blush that is definitely not the case, I just meant that we had worked out our budget and agreed to go at a time when prices are lower! Blush

diddl · 05/10/2016 15:47

"Your DH probably doesn't see anything wrong with his mum going into "his room" to make the bed and tidy up after him."

That's the thing, isn't it?

It's "their" room, not just his.

Our bedroom door is generally open, so if someone went in to straighten the bed or fetch washing out, that probably wouldn't seem too bad.

But going into wardrobes & cupboards looking for stuff without asking first is not on imo.

Why would she even bring washing powder rather than just use what you have (unless she might be allergic)?

Presumably she acts like this because she's used to getting her own way by making people feel bad when she says no.

People should be saying no to stuff that they don't want to happen in their own house.

And if she can't cope with that then that is her problem to deal with-and a first step might be keeping out of bedrooms!

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/10/2016 15:48

Please tell me she didn't stick her fingers in your face cream Shock

I would hate my mil going in my room but no idea how I'd deal with it.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/10/2016 15:51

diddl - did you carry on reading what I had typed after that statement?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/10/2016 15:54

I did mean to include the comment "but it's not just 'his room' any more it is your room" in my earlier post. Not sure why my brain & fingers omitted it Smile

Cocolepew · 05/10/2016 16:03

Im surprised that someone hasn't been along to tell you you're ungrateful when MIL is cleaning and doing laundry for you Hmm.
My mil tried this once, actually she, rearranged my flat while I was on holiday. She acted surprised when me and DH went ballistic on her.
But she knew rightly what she, was doing. My flat was spotless, it didnt need cleaned, she was trying to imply that it was so dirty she needed to clean because I was incapable, some weird control thing. Her own house was bogging Confused

ssd · 05/10/2016 16:04

I so dont understand MIL's like this who have no idea about boundaries

pregnantat50 · 05/10/2016 16:06

or leave your laptop open on this page in your 'private' room x

SlottedSpoon · 05/10/2016 16:09

YANBU. It's nice of her to want to be helpful/useful by doing laundry and ironing but she should offer first and be led by you. Going through your drawers and your...er.....drawers Grin is really not on.

AGenie · 05/10/2016 16:12

I once had a housemate who "sorted" the rubbish in my bedroom waste basket for me. I was really quite surprised when I shouted at her as I had never heard myself shout before. Definitely a good idea to stop your MIL OP.

Atenco · 05/10/2016 16:40

I problem with -in-laws is that this is a relationship that might last a lifetime that none of you choose to have and that, if a problem is mishandled, there can be major repercussions.

I think you have got to insist that your DH tells his mother not to go into your bedroom and that he tells her as if it were his wish, not even mentioning you.

BabooshkaKate · 05/10/2016 16:44

I think you have got to insist that your DH tells his mother not to go into your bedroom and that he tells her as if it were his wish, not even mentioning you.

Definitely. He must not do the whole "Emma doesn't like it when you..." thing.

confuugled1 · 05/10/2016 16:45

Agree with everyone else - it's a control thing and the tears are used to manipulate you so she can get away with whatever she wants.

Remember to try it on her when you're at her house and see how well it goes down - after you've thrown out the bedding and pointed out that you thought that that was the polite thing to do as she'd done it to you. (And if your bedding was really nice, just check in the airing cupboard to see if she really threw it out or 'kindly took it away to wear it out for you' and nicked it for herself...)

I'd also be particularly cross if she spoilt christmas day by holding everybody up while she washed up before eating turkey, or even if she washed up while everybody else ate. It means all the focus is on her and everybody is waiting on her (no doubt in her mind she thinks she is wonderful for doing this so quickly and will think that everybody else will think so too).

If you're having christmas lunch together again this year, I'd be actively saying in the run up to it 'no more spoiling christmas lunch by doing unnecessary cleaning while everybody else's lunch goes cold' or whatever is appropriate about what actually happened. So that it doesn't happen again.

Lancelottie · 05/10/2016 16:50

Don't know why you call her sensitive. She sounds crashingly insensitive to me.

Original poster
lightsussex · 05/10/2016 17:08

Atenco that is exactly what DH needs to say...but when I said to him 'please say something, I can't cope with her in my room'. DH replied 'she's so bloody sensitive at the moment, I'd prefer to be in your bad books, rather than Mum's'....oh dear.

I think, hope, it was meant as a joke!!

OP posts:
dybil · 05/10/2016 17:31

My mother is the same and I'm in my 30s. Whenever I ask her to stop doing it (even if it's very nicely phrased, stressing that I'm grateful for the help, but...) she cries. Then she begrudgingly agrees not to do it again (but sulks or cries more ) then carries on as if the conversation never happened.

I thought this was just a quirk, but maybe it's a trait of some mothers!

dybil · 05/10/2016 17:34

I mean the room tidying/snooping thing.

WindPowerRanger · 05/10/2016 17:35

Have you ever called her on the crying? Since I told my mother the crying made no difference to the rights and wrongs of the situation and would not cause me to change my position, she has been dry-eyed when we argue.

SpookyPotato · 05/10/2016 17:40

My MIL sorted out my wardrobe when we were in holiday once, they were staying in our flat as theirs was having work done. I remember thinking before we left: "hmm she probably won't but I'll just remove my sex toys/underwear incase she does have a root through" I actually packed them in my suitcase Grin So glad I did as she had rearranged everything in there.
I actually got back and cried as it felt so invasive, which I feel silly about now as she is 99% lovely and was just bored. And she probably thought I wouldn't mind as I'm really easygoing otherwise. But still... I would never do that when I'm a MIL!

diddl · 05/10/2016 17:44

" DH replied 'she's so bloody sensitive at the moment, I'd prefer to be in your bad books, rather than Mum's'....oh dear."

Oh dear indeed!

She's not sensitive-she's bloody insensitive-otherwise she'd have some respect when in someone elses house!