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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my MIL goes in my room?!

155 replies

lightsussex · 05/10/2016 14:04

Firstly, this isn't a MIL bashing thread, well, I don't mean to be! We do all tend to get on. They live far away, so she can stay for a while to spend time for GC. Thats all fine. However, when she is here she will go in our room and tidy up - basically go through the wash basket, put clothes away, take clothes out of the wardrobe to iron them (I rarely iron!). Once, she forgot to bring her face moisturiser, I was about to say 'borrow mine' but she said 'luckily I found yours in your bedside table'.....

DH doesn't really see it as a issue but I can't cope with it, just hate the thought of her going through my things and sorting stuff out. DH has said not to say anything as she can be 'sensitive' and is 'just trying to help'. I'd prefer her to spend the time playing with the kids, rather than going through my dirty washing!! AIBU?!

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 05/10/2016 20:59

Yep, get someone in to fit a lock on the door. You can pick up a new door handle with a lock and key in any hardware store. Get someone in to fit it and there you go. No need for any confrontation.

Noctilucent · 05/10/2016 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cocolepew · 05/10/2016 21:28

I didn't say anything, I walked away and DH threw her out. She's a nightmare.
Thankfully Dh has always sided with me. Not that that stops her, she has skin like a rhino.
Thankfully since the DDs have got older we don't have to put up with her because they don't want anything to do with her .

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 21:30

crikey coco and I thought my mil was batshit, you def win! Brew

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 05/10/2016 21:34

Reading this lot with my mouth open...Shock I look after my DGC a for six days each month, and the only times that I've set foot in DD & SIL's bedroom are when she's specifically asked me to fetch something, or to pick up the baby monitor when it's been accidentally left on the bedside table.
Whether their bed is made or not is none of my business - nor are their clothes, whether in the wardrobe or on the floor..!
As for hopping into DS & DIL's bed - well, I'm gobsmacked...!! The only time that I've been in their bedroom was the Christmas that I spent at their house after I'd broken my leg, when they very kindly let me sleep in their bed because I couldn't have got up from a mattress on the floor... I really appreciated their kindness - and I never opened a drawer or cupboard while I was there. Hmm

DontMindMe1 · 05/10/2016 21:35

She's manipulative and passive aggressive.

she isn't so stupid as to not understand that going through someone elses private space is wrong.

I think she's playing that 'i'm still the most important person/number one and everything i say and is right'.
It may be your home but she's doing things her way in it - and you don't get a say. Infantilising your dh keeps him even more in the FOG - and no, i don't think he was joking about being in your bad books than his mums.

He hasn't got the balls to stand up to her. So you have to do it. Forget about 'passing the message on', she's in direct competition with you, she's asserting herself in your home and is 'in charge' even though she doesn't live there.

All of this is meant to undermine you as a woman, a wife and as a mother. Just put a stop to her games. tell her and your dh that you are 'sensitive' to people invading your personal space and boundaries - and it stops right now. your mil's feelings about your bedroom are NOT important.

DontMindMe1 · 05/10/2016 21:36

Plus, she can use her ocd energy to take the dc out for a walk instead of cleaning!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 05/10/2016 21:58

Ugh YANBU. My MIL does the tears too if you say something she doesn't like. It's not that she sensitive, it's that she is trying to manipulate and make you feel guilty. It just gets our backs up more.

I doubt your DH was joking btw. He doesn't want to upset mummy. You will have to be the one to say something. If she cries, tough shit. I've got no patience for people that bloody cry!

spongebunnyfatpants · 05/10/2016 22:24

Put a mouse trap in the washing basket. That should stop her 😂

buttfacedmiscreant · 05/10/2016 22:41

Coco, I think I would have had a hard time not saying something like "no, it smells like us having sex". Bet she'd never do it again!

ollieplimsoles · 05/10/2016 22:55

Christ my mil is also a cryer..

She used to go up to our room and generally poke about when we first moved in, to catch her I would put a a draft excluder behind the door and leave the door half open, mil opens it all the way to get in and pushes the excluder up against the wall, thats how I know she was up there.

She became obsessed about knowing if we were trying for a baby or not when we moved out, and we wouldn't tell her (she hates secrets or feeling like she's left out of her sons life in anyway). I know she went rooting up to my room looking for my pills, which were hidden in a drawer.

That weekend at a family get together one of dh relatives brought her new baby to show off, another relative said jokingly 'ooh it will be you two next' and mil said 'oh no they're not ready yet Ollies on the pill'

I was speechless

PatMullins · 06/10/2016 11:24

ollie Shock madness!

Zaurak · 06/10/2016 12:14

Ha! My pils do this.
My parents are really respectful of privacy - for example if one of us is staying with family and occupies a spare room, and the house owners need something from that room they will ask (I left the phone charger by the table, can you grab it for me?) sort of thing. Privacy is sacrosanct. I'd never, ever go in someone's bedroom Shock
Imagine my surprise when fil was visiting one day and started going through and reading a pile of papers on our sideboard (mail, medical stuff, personal stuff etc.) actually reading them, not stacking/clearing to one side. I've caught MIL going through our room and drawers too.
Last time they visited dh shoved all the stuff we didn't want them rummaging through in a room and locked it and they were really put out.
They are also obsessed with how clean our house is. It's hygienic (bathrooms and kitchen get done daily, I'm constantly mopping up and putting toys away etc) but it's messy because we have a small toddler who is destruction incarnate and never sleeps.
They actually told us they felt offended by the mess (it's honestly not that bad) and that we should get cleaners in before Xmas. Makes us sound like hoarders rather than people who just need to have an hour whizzing round putting toys away ...

I digress. Yanbu. Lock the door.

BabooshkaKate · 06/10/2016 12:33

She became obsessed about knowing if we were trying for a baby or not when we moved out, and we wouldn't tell her (she hates secrets or feeling like she's left out of her sons life in anyway).

Oh my God, my mum is like this. She nags and cries and goes on and on like a broken record, wearing me down until I tell her things. It doesn't even matter what, she is so nosy. She demands to know my salary and bonus then inflates it and lies to her friends about how much I earn. One of her friends once made a jibe about how I don't wear enough brands for someone on a salary of £10k over what I'm actually on!! Shock

So I took on a new tactic with the help of DP. Broken record, vague answers. No thank you, mum. Must dash, you've just caught us eating/making dinner/about to go out, etc.

The latest thing is telling me to hurry up and have a baby because she was pregnant with her second at my age Hmm the funny thing is that for years I didn't want children at all because of this intensive pressure and being told that I must have children and that was the most important thing in the world and nothing else mattered. Once I moved out and cut contact to the absolute minimum and started talking about it with my DP I found the idea of having babies far less horrific.

Anyway OP. Get a lock. Tell her yourself not to go in. If you catch her don't be polite, go in aggressive. "What do you think you're doing, MIL? I told you not to go in here. This is our bedroom. I don't care that you changed his nappies, he's not a baby anymore, get out. You come in here again and we will not allow you into our house again."

Set up booby traps - if she opens the wardrobe it causes baby powder to fall on her. This is war OP, you need to go all out.

aggyannie · 06/10/2016 12:37

I feel your pain OP, we are staying with the ILs at the moment and while I appreciate they are putting us up I really hate that my MIL goes into the only private space I have and decides which clothes of mine need washing - jeans don't need washing after every wear!!! (she must think I am a grubby bitch!) She actually takes them out of the neatly folded pile!

She also let BILs children sneak upstairs and barge in when we had gone to our room to watch TV. That really made my blood boil Angry

Wills · 06/10/2016 18:10

I haven't read all the threads, but YANBU!!! However my suggestion would be to go to Ann Summers and buy your husband something extremely naughty so that his mother would be mortified/embarrassed.

Rosamund1 · 06/10/2016 18:25

Big, neon coloured matching dildo and but plug on each bedside table.

  • 'Oh DIL - that's embarrassing '
  • well we use them for sex, who are we meant to hide them from? You? You're not supposed to be in here. This is a private room.

Hide even kinkier things in drawers, under the bed. Print out articles on fisting.

emmyhNL · 06/10/2016 18:40

Some of these have really made me gasp!

YANBU! My MIL does this as well to "help" out. I gave her (and DH) 2 warnings after she cleaned my house without asking and on the 3Rd time I demanded her spare key back.

She didn't just go through draws, she'd reorganise them so they'd be 'better '. Pisses me off beyond belief!

Definitely go for a lock and /or firmly tell her that it's not on. My DH is the same as yours and it took me flipping out on him for him to realise I was being serious

Craigie · 06/10/2016 18:43

I wouldn't like it if my own mother did this, so no YANBU.

Zaurak · 06/10/2016 18:49

I do love the idea of Australian emigration papers in a drawer. Perhaps next to a copy of toxic inlaws...

Wonders if the printer has paper in it....

toodles60 · 06/10/2016 19:08

your not being unreasonable and need to say something to her. its ignorant and rude of her to intrude in this way.

Iagreewithmrsdevere · 06/10/2016 19:31

**Print out articles on fisting
that just made me snort out loud Rosamund

Daydream007 · 06/10/2016 19:58

YANBU. It is very intrusive or her but she means well and feels she is helping. She clearly feels very comfortable in your house!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/10/2016 20:07

Tell MIL yourself since DH won't. Be polite and completely 100% clear.

Next time he'll know what happens if he tries to sacrifice you to save himself. You won't lay down on the altar to be sacrificed.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/10/2016 20:19

To get to the bathroom in my DS/DiL's house you have to walk through their bedroom if the guest room is occupied (jack and jill set up).

I've tripped a couple of times looking up at the ceiling when walking through Grin. I don't WANT to know their personal business. The less I know the happier we all are. I'm sure they feel the same about us.