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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is unfair on my friend's daughter?

172 replies

definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 15:46

My friends and I go to a spa for one day every week. It's run by the local college so the staff are trainees and it costs practically nothing to use the facilities and get treatments done. We love it. We go until 3pm as we have our children in nursery and/or school during those hours.
A woman I knew through mutual friends asked if she could come along as she's not met any friends yet. This has been something we've done for almost two years now. So she turned up with her Daughter and the spa staff explained they have a strict policy regarding children and she cannot bring her in. We suggested she put her Daughter in nursery so that next time she can come along for a few hours when her daughter isn't there. She gets 15 hours free so could rearrange her days to have one day longer childfree.That particular day we did something child friendly as we realised she wasn't aware of the spa's child policy.

Anyway for months now she has arrived at 10am for the spa day and brought her Daughter and kept her daughter in the pram in the reception/cafe area until 3pm. She then goes for a meal with us all. She wont let her Daughter out of the pram at all during that time as she says she plays up when she's out of the pram and not at home. She gives her an ipad and snacks to keep her occupied.

This is the only day we can do the spa day or else we would try a different day.

If she wants to sit in the reception area for hours it's none of my business, but I just feel so sorry for her Daughter. My Son would never ever stay in a pram that long and her Daughter is so bored. She whines constantly and asks to come out of the pram. She then has to stay in the pram further while we walk to the cafe/pick our children up. We then have our dinner (we all make an effort to play with her once we are out) and our children are there then. The day ends around 5pm.

We all work so this is the only day we have, to do something together as we make sure we have one day a week alone with our children/families. We don't feel we need to stop having the spa day, just because she can't go as we have been doing it for years and she does not have to come along. She could come for the meal afterwards instead. I also invited her specifically to the Spa day not anything else so I did explain what we did each day.

I'm not sure why she chooses to come along. She doesn't get to chat to anyone for those few hours and there's no little play area for her daughter there. We brought come toys for her Daughter to play with but she is never allowed out of the pram and we never saw the toys again.

AIBU to think 5 hours is too long for a 3 year old to be sat in a pram in a reception area/cafe?

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 04/10/2016 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Palegreenstars · 04/10/2016 22:42

Karma - because there's a little girl involved. At the very least it seems to be putting OP off her spa day having to watch the poor treatment.

Unless her preference is out of sight out of mind in which case tell her she's not welcome and she can go leave her child strapped in a buggy for 5 hours somewhere else.

VimFuego101 · 04/10/2016 22:45

Someone up thread asked if she had to be out of her house during the day... Do you think she could be in a shelter? Lots of those places kick you out during the day.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 04/10/2016 23:09

WTAF! That is so wrong. How can anyone keep a 3yo strapped in a chair for 5 hours?! That's neglect. She needs to find a toddler group.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 04/10/2016 23:14

Normal children do not sit somewhere for 5 hours at 3 years old. I pad or not. I am utterly gobsmacked that social workers on here say this wouldn't even be on their radar. It's neglect ffs!

I had shared something quite sensitive but deleted when I realised that something does seem quite right about this.

MrsHam13 · 04/10/2016 23:31

So is she in nappys still if she sits in the buggy none stop for five hours? Does she not change it OR if she does/isn't in nappies. she must take her out to take her to the toilet. Then what? Does the little girl go back in with no fuss?

My son doesn't go in a buggy now. But if he had been made to sat that long and then I tried to put him back in after a toilet visit hed go nuts. He's three and sits quite well at a table on a chair to eat etc. No need to be left to sit in a buggy at all.

Florathefern · 04/10/2016 23:38

My aunt is a social worker working in CP...A 3 yo spending 5 hours once a week playing video games / watching cartoons with a mum would not even create the tiniest twitch on her departments radar

My eldest child would be very very happy if left to watch tv for five hours a day every day not just one day a week. There are times when my youngest is napping that I will also happily let DC1 watch tv for three hours at a time. Obviously DC1 has spent the morning at preschool, been to the playground, has access to toys and books and the rest of the house, eats etc. I don't consider myself neglectful but I feel guilty if I let it happen.

justilou · 05/10/2016 01:52

It is abusive. I couldn't respect someone who thought it was anything else.

Bettybooop25 · 05/10/2016 06:36

It is abusive

Really?! For goodness sake. Some posters just have no idea what some children go through.

This situation isn't ideal I agree, however it is not abuse.

The child is warm and fed. She must enjoy the iPad otherwise she wouldn't sit there content for hours.

Threebedsemii · 05/10/2016 06:42

I read this feeling but as the thread went on, less so.

It's very boring. It's not great for a child to sit in her pushchair for 5 hours. But she's likely having her nap for a couple anyway. Secondly as part of a bigger picture of a normal 6 days not tethered into the pushchair, it's not really that bad. I definitely would not do it; but it's not that bad.

Obviously the reason a group of social workers haven't taken any action is they know full well, more so that posters on here, that it is not a SS issue.

It may be that the mother sits there reading on her kindle or doing her emails/ admin whilst drinking coffee. An afternoon out of the house, with a meal after.

I mean it's not common or normal particularly, but it's not that mad.

Iggi999 · 05/10/2016 06:42

Op says she tries to get out. NONE of us have enough information to say it is definitely abusive, or not abusive, but it certainly raises questions and would make you want to find out what happens on the other six days of the week.
Is the OP going to do something about it yet?

Threebedsemii · 05/10/2016 06:56

I don't think the op is obliged to do anything really. I agree maybe she should just say "look none of us are comfortable with your daughter being so bored for such a long time could you meet us after?"

But- the reality is the woman could be really humiliated and she's lonely as it is

Schmoozer · 05/10/2016 16:27

Three bed it's not an afternoon out, it's 5 hours, the OP said the child is unhappy after a few hours, but has to stay confined for a further 3
It's not abuse in the physical sense, but it's neglectful to override a child's needs in that way, for the mothers gratification, and neglect is abuse.
I don't think OP is coming back,
I suspect she's a bit embarrassed that they've inadvertently collided with it for so long .......

Threebedsemii · 05/10/2016 16:41

I don't get your point. The mother is having an afternoon out. Of her house. An afternoon is 5 hours. I'm not disputing that the baby is sitting in the pushchair for 5 hours.

It's not neglect or abuse and it's bloody ridiculous to suggest so.

Schmoozer · 05/10/2016 16:56

Your minimising. That's why you don't get my point.
It's not a baby, she's a 3 year old toddler. Stuck in a buggy for 5 hours.
It's neglectful, many here think so

JessieMcJessie · 05/10/2016 17:03

You say she says "I'll meet you at 10 as usual" when you suggest that she just join you for lunch. So what happens at 10? Does the whole group hang around and chat to her over coffee or something? Whay would be the incentive for her to "meet" you at 10 just to watch you all disappear into the spa?

If you ARE socialising in some way with her at 10, can you somehow nip that in the bud by eg saying that everyone is arriving at different times this week, or something else clever I can't think of?
It seems utterly bizarre that she'd make the effort to get out of the house in the morning to be "on time" to meet you unless there is something odd at home- if not an abusive partner maybe debt collectors hounding her or something?

Threebedsemii · 05/10/2016 18:10

I'm not minimising- you are dramatising. If you think SS would do something about this you're deluded. OP knows about SS and clearly many on here do not

mscongeniality · 05/10/2016 18:18

I agree completely with monkeymamma.

It sound's like this poor woman is highly insecure and lonely and she thinks that the only way your group will spend time with her is if she is physically sitting there and waiting for you. If she isn't there, I have a feeling you wouldn't tell her where or when you would be going after the spa. Otherwise why on earth would she do this?

I think you and your friends don't really want her around because if that were me and one of my friends was sitting outside with their young child for FIVE hours waiting for me, I would feel so much guilt and wouldn't be able to enjoy myself week after week.

ReginaBlitz · 05/10/2016 18:36

God help everyone if you really are a social worker.

Atenco · 05/10/2016 18:56

I have a dgd who has just turned three. She doesn't use a pushchair anymore and only naps if she didn't enough sleep the night before, ditto my dd. I think that this is not only abuse in itself, but suspect that the child to puts up with it because this is pretty standard in her life. And I hope I am wrong, but everyone here always says ss are there to help struggling parents, not just to remove children from extreme situations.

kate33 · 05/10/2016 20:21

The op is long gone, no?
If this was actually happening it would be awful on many levels but I just don't believe it.

Ameliablue · 05/10/2016 21:05

I think a 3 year old stuck in a pram for 5 hours at a time and whining as a regular occurrence is quite worrying and whilst this wouldn't be picked up by social services in a professional capacity, I think a social worker turning a blind eye to a friend doing it would also make me question the sw's judgement.

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