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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on my friend's daughter?

172 replies

definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 15:46

My friends and I go to a spa for one day every week. It's run by the local college so the staff are trainees and it costs practically nothing to use the facilities and get treatments done. We love it. We go until 3pm as we have our children in nursery and/or school during those hours.
A woman I knew through mutual friends asked if she could come along as she's not met any friends yet. This has been something we've done for almost two years now. So she turned up with her Daughter and the spa staff explained they have a strict policy regarding children and she cannot bring her in. We suggested she put her Daughter in nursery so that next time she can come along for a few hours when her daughter isn't there. She gets 15 hours free so could rearrange her days to have one day longer childfree.That particular day we did something child friendly as we realised she wasn't aware of the spa's child policy.

Anyway for months now she has arrived at 10am for the spa day and brought her Daughter and kept her daughter in the pram in the reception/cafe area until 3pm. She then goes for a meal with us all. She wont let her Daughter out of the pram at all during that time as she says she plays up when she's out of the pram and not at home. She gives her an ipad and snacks to keep her occupied.

This is the only day we can do the spa day or else we would try a different day.

If she wants to sit in the reception area for hours it's none of my business, but I just feel so sorry for her Daughter. My Son would never ever stay in a pram that long and her Daughter is so bored. She whines constantly and asks to come out of the pram. She then has to stay in the pram further while we walk to the cafe/pick our children up. We then have our dinner (we all make an effort to play with her once we are out) and our children are there then. The day ends around 5pm.

We all work so this is the only day we have, to do something together as we make sure we have one day a week alone with our children/families. We don't feel we need to stop having the spa day, just because she can't go as we have been doing it for years and she does not have to come along. She could come for the meal afterwards instead. I also invited her specifically to the Spa day not anything else so I did explain what we did each day.

I'm not sure why she chooses to come along. She doesn't get to chat to anyone for those few hours and there's no little play area for her daughter there. We brought come toys for her Daughter to play with but she is never allowed out of the pram and we never saw the toys again.

AIBU to think 5 hours is too long for a 3 year old to be sat in a pram in a reception area/cafe?

OP posts:
toptoe · 04/10/2016 17:36

Sad to say last thing you want to do when you're depressed is play with your dc. Extra hard when you are a lone parent. That said, I think she needs it pointed out explicity but kindly that it's not suitable for her dd to be in the buggy for 5 hours. Is there a soft play nearby she can nip to for an hour or so?

CowGull · 04/10/2016 17:37

Do you think she's waiting for one of you to offer to sit with her DD while she has a spa treatment? I missed how many of you there are in the group but if you each do this once she gets 2/3/4 days out of it then conveniently finds herself another activity.

OohMavis · 04/10/2016 17:39

I'm confused.

If you're inside the spa having treatments for five hours, how do you know what she's doing? How do you even know she stays sitting there for five solid hours, how her DD behaves etc?

Do you pop out to speak to her?

Schmoozer · 04/10/2016 17:39

I agree with toptoe, just bloody say something !!!
What about the child's needs are paramount when it comes to safeguarding ???
It's neglectful, it's not right to be confined for that long, on a regular basis, your instincts are telling you and the others that !!
Tell her !

Jizzomelette · 04/10/2016 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2016 17:42

If you and your mates are in the Spa having treatments, how on earth do you know that the kid has to sit in the buggy for the whole 5 hours and that she doesn't take her out to play/walk around the block etc? Confused

Very odd.

PrivatePike · 04/10/2016 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2016 17:43

X posted with Jizz

RedSauceAndJellyJuice · 04/10/2016 17:44

I think you are right OP she feels she is part of your girlie group just by being there
She hasn't had any friends before so probably doesn't recognise that this is not normal behaviour
I would probably in all honesty speak to a colleague who is a children's SW and ask their advice about how to approach her

IKnowIKNOW · 04/10/2016 17:45

This is really weird and sad. Just say something. Who cares if it means you won't be friends? She doesn't sound the sort of person you'd want to be friends with anyway.

cestlavielife · 04/10/2016 17:46

have a word with spa reception staff - they should call SS if child is left unattended for longer than a while...or is someone from staff looking after the child ?

a child should not be left tethered in a buggy from 10 until 3 pm.

LineyReborn · 04/10/2016 17:47

This just reads ODD. Like just you know fucking odd and wow.

SuperFlyHigh · 04/10/2016 17:48

cestlavie the child isn't being left unattended her mum is with her!

I personally do not understand why you don't have "The Talk" as another poster said, with the mum.

Then maybe she can get help for depression or whatever.

ScaredAboutTheFuture · 04/10/2016 17:48

OP - be honest with yourself. Do you and your grp really...deep down....want to be friends with her and have her join the group properly?

If you don't, then I think that is absolutely fine. Not everyone gels.

Ilovewillow · 04/10/2016 17:50

Totally unacceptable my son is 3 and we don't even own a pram/buggy. There is no way he would sit in one for an hour let alone 5! I wouldn't expect him to, it's not fair! She needs to get a grip. If she wants to join you she should use childcare, in sure her daughter would enjoy more too!

Original poster
definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 17:51

We can see her from the spa. Not allowed out but the spa is higher up and the cafe directly opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 17:52

have a word with spa reception staff - they should call SS if child is left unattended for longer than a while...or is someone from staff looking after the child ?
a child should not be left tethered in a buggy from 10 until 3 pm*

She watches her. She doesn't go in the spa.

OP posts:
Klkl · 04/10/2016 17:53

This does sound odd. I don't know of any student run spa's where you could go all day. I get you can have the occasional treatment with students but not a spa day.

As for the mum being allowed to leave a three year old while she has treatments then that's really odd too.

IKnowIKNOW · 04/10/2016 17:54

So what are you going to do OP?

Everyone agrees with you and thinks it's odd and unfair on the little girl.

bimbobaggins · 04/10/2016 17:55

So she just turns up to sit in a cafe herself and her daughter while yous are all in the spa so she doesn't actually spend any time with yous.

Aside from the fact that it can't be very good for her poor daughter, things must be pretty grim if she'd rather sit in a cafe all day by herself

dowhatnow · 04/10/2016 17:58

I think you all need to talk to her as a group if individual hints aren't working. It isn't fair on her daughter full stop, and you are all complicit in that arrangement. You are enabling it and it isn't fair.

flanjabelle · 04/10/2016 17:58

I am a bit dubious that you say you are a social worker, yet you do not feel that ss would be concerned. A child being strapped into a buggy for five hours is clearly neglect. You need to act on it.

There is clearly something not right with the woman, but for God's sake don't let the poor child suffer for it. Either report your concerns officially or tell the woman it isn't ok. Step up op.

Lunde · 04/10/2016 18:02

This sounds very strange behaviour that she just sits and waits for you all for 5 hours with her daughter strapped in the pram but in a place that she knows you can see her.

Do you think that she is trying to guilt trip the group into doing something else instead of the spa where she can go with her daughter?

diddl · 04/10/2016 18:07

Do you know if she does this on other days?

Does she have to be out of her house between certain hrs??

Schmoozer · 04/10/2016 18:10

Dowhatnow is correct. You are all complicit,