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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on my friend's daughter?

172 replies

definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 15:46

My friends and I go to a spa for one day every week. It's run by the local college so the staff are trainees and it costs practically nothing to use the facilities and get treatments done. We love it. We go until 3pm as we have our children in nursery and/or school during those hours.
A woman I knew through mutual friends asked if she could come along as she's not met any friends yet. This has been something we've done for almost two years now. So she turned up with her Daughter and the spa staff explained they have a strict policy regarding children and she cannot bring her in. We suggested she put her Daughter in nursery so that next time she can come along for a few hours when her daughter isn't there. She gets 15 hours free so could rearrange her days to have one day longer childfree.That particular day we did something child friendly as we realised she wasn't aware of the spa's child policy.

Anyway for months now she has arrived at 10am for the spa day and brought her Daughter and kept her daughter in the pram in the reception/cafe area until 3pm. She then goes for a meal with us all. She wont let her Daughter out of the pram at all during that time as she says she plays up when she's out of the pram and not at home. She gives her an ipad and snacks to keep her occupied.

This is the only day we can do the spa day or else we would try a different day.

If she wants to sit in the reception area for hours it's none of my business, but I just feel so sorry for her Daughter. My Son would never ever stay in a pram that long and her Daughter is so bored. She whines constantly and asks to come out of the pram. She then has to stay in the pram further while we walk to the cafe/pick our children up. We then have our dinner (we all make an effort to play with her once we are out) and our children are there then. The day ends around 5pm.

We all work so this is the only day we have, to do something together as we make sure we have one day a week alone with our children/families. We don't feel we need to stop having the spa day, just because she can't go as we have been doing it for years and she does not have to come along. She could come for the meal afterwards instead. I also invited her specifically to the Spa day not anything else so I did explain what we did each day.

I'm not sure why she chooses to come along. She doesn't get to chat to anyone for those few hours and there's no little play area for her daughter there. We brought come toys for her Daughter to play with but she is never allowed out of the pram and we never saw the toys again.

AIBU to think 5 hours is too long for a 3 year old to be sat in a pram in a reception area/cafe?

OP posts:
mycatstares · 04/10/2016 19:39

This has been going on for months?..

To think this is unfair on my friend's daughter?
Saker · 04/10/2016 19:41

I have skimmed some of the thread, but wondered about suggesting she self-refers to the local Homestart. They could visit at home and maybe support her with some trips out and company and also with playing and developing play skills for the child. Also a Homestart worker would get an insight into what her life at home is actually like and is like for the child and Homestart could refer to SS if necessary.

Muppeeeto · 04/10/2016 19:54

.

BitchPeas · 04/10/2016 20:00

How did none of you go WTAF the first time this happened. I cannot imagine this happening over and over again and no one saying anything.

CookieLady · 04/10/2016 20:05

Agree with BitcyPeas.

CookieLady · 04/10/2016 20:06
  • BitchPeas. Blush
SealSong · 04/10/2016 20:06

I'm a social worker also, and I'm pretty surprised that as you are a social worker you have not said anything to her about this. You clearly recognise that it is unhealthy for the child to be strapped in to a buggy for five hours. Why haven't you shared your feelings with her? You really need to say something, you need to spell it out to her that it makes her daughter miserable and is not good for her development etc to be in her buggy for so long.
I would be concerned that if she thinks it is Ok to leave her daughter in a buggy all day even in front of social workers, and she thinks this is ok, how much attention is her daughter getting at home?
Very odd. You must say something.

buttercup54321 · 04/10/2016 20:09

I think she is lonely and you are her only friends. Help her to find some classes and activities she can do with her child. Hopefully she will find some more mates then.

Jackie0 · 04/10/2016 20:25

In your position I wouldn't be able to stop myself being completely forthright with her.
It's shocking behaviour

guffaux · 04/10/2016 20:40

hmmm ..even as an adult SW you should know that this is wrong for the child and have spoken up long before the several months you describe of this situation;

you anbu to be disturbed and concerned, you are vvu to have not acted appropriately to bring this to an end- remember as a registered professional the way you act outside of work is as important to meet your code of ethics as the way you behave in your professional role.

AmysTiara · 04/10/2016 20:43

So social workers are happy for kids to be stuck in buggies for five hours a day are they?

MermaidTears · 04/10/2016 20:44

What do the other women say when you are sat there having treatments and can see her opposite in the café with her daughter for hours?

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 04/10/2016 20:52

Bloody Hell!!!

I am concerned that a mother is keeping her 3 year old daughter strapped into a buggy for 5 hours every week at a Spa.

I am also concerned by the inability of a social worker to do her job effectively. I cannot believe that you would rather post on MN about something that is so glaringly screaming 'HELP ME!' rather than speaking to fellow colleagues and maybe asking one of them to make contact seeing as you are unable to see the woods for the trees are too personally connected with her.

Do your job. Speak to colleagues and get her some help.

a7mints · 04/10/2016 21:18

So social workers are happy for kids to be stuck in buggies for five hours a day are they

My aunt is a social worker working in CP.She deals with cases such as a baby being deliberately sat on top of a hot hob.A 3 yo spending 5 hours once a week playing video games / watching cartoons with a mum would not even create the tiniest twitch on her departments radar

youredeadtomesteven · 04/10/2016 21:20

Hmmm.

If this is the case, stop pussy footing around and do something about it. Be it telling staff at the spa, tell her the group isn't going anymore, getting her some help, talking to her, whatever. Let her know that this isn't right. A 3 year old who's clamouring to get out of a buggy being given a bloody iPad to keep her quiet, is not right. It's not doing the child nor the mother any favours.

If it's all a big lie, then well done. You've fooled a lot of people.

littleblackdress26 · 04/10/2016 21:31

.

WineIsMyMainVice · 04/10/2016 21:33

I am literally sitting here open mouthed! I can't believe she would do that.
Do you ever see her away from the spa? I think that you need to have a chat with her about why she would do this. If she is lonely surely there are other places that she could go to such as local play groups?
Apart from anything a 3 year old shouldn't be on an iPad that long!
Good luck.

Daydream007 · 04/10/2016 21:39

Poor child. How selfish of her mum.

Palegreenstars · 04/10/2016 21:45

How can you say you have no time to see this woman seperately to check on her well being and that of the child you claim to care about but you are able to fit in 5 hours a week at a spa?

Brightredpencil · 04/10/2016 21:55

Aside from the obvious inappropriate buggy trapped child, what job of women is this? What sort of conversation does she have? Is she fairly average apart from this? What does she say to you when you all do talk? Surely she must be constantly dropping heavy hints about meeting elsewhere, being hungry or what she had been doing in the cafe for 5 hours..?? I'm just wondering what on earth there is in this for her? Or whether you are missing something regarding why she is doing this?? Otherwise she has very little... self awareness that this is odd behaviour... could she be aspergers or similar?

Brightredpencil · 04/10/2016 21:55

Kind not job

Atenco · 04/10/2016 22:00

My aunt is a social worker working in CP...A 3 yo spending 5 hours once a week playing video games / watching cartoons with a mum would not even create the tiniest twitch on her departments radar

I am gobsmacked

KoalaDownUnder · 04/10/2016 22:01

I simply don't believe that a 3-year-old sits in a pram for 5 hours straight without screaming the place down.

I also don't believe that you're watching her the whole time, to even know.

KarmaNoMore · 04/10/2016 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Johnny5isAlive · 04/10/2016 22:24

Does she buy lunch at the cafe for the DD each week? And then dinner with you all after school too? And she's unemployed?