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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on my friend's daughter?

172 replies

definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 15:46

My friends and I go to a spa for one day every week. It's run by the local college so the staff are trainees and it costs practically nothing to use the facilities and get treatments done. We love it. We go until 3pm as we have our children in nursery and/or school during those hours.
A woman I knew through mutual friends asked if she could come along as she's not met any friends yet. This has been something we've done for almost two years now. So she turned up with her Daughter and the spa staff explained they have a strict policy regarding children and she cannot bring her in. We suggested she put her Daughter in nursery so that next time she can come along for a few hours when her daughter isn't there. She gets 15 hours free so could rearrange her days to have one day longer childfree.That particular day we did something child friendly as we realised she wasn't aware of the spa's child policy.

Anyway for months now she has arrived at 10am for the spa day and brought her Daughter and kept her daughter in the pram in the reception/cafe area until 3pm. She then goes for a meal with us all. She wont let her Daughter out of the pram at all during that time as she says she plays up when she's out of the pram and not at home. She gives her an ipad and snacks to keep her occupied.

This is the only day we can do the spa day or else we would try a different day.

If she wants to sit in the reception area for hours it's none of my business, but I just feel so sorry for her Daughter. My Son would never ever stay in a pram that long and her Daughter is so bored. She whines constantly and asks to come out of the pram. She then has to stay in the pram further while we walk to the cafe/pick our children up. We then have our dinner (we all make an effort to play with her once we are out) and our children are there then. The day ends around 5pm.

We all work so this is the only day we have, to do something together as we make sure we have one day a week alone with our children/families. We don't feel we need to stop having the spa day, just because she can't go as we have been doing it for years and she does not have to come along. She could come for the meal afterwards instead. I also invited her specifically to the Spa day not anything else so I did explain what we did each day.

I'm not sure why she chooses to come along. She doesn't get to chat to anyone for those few hours and there's no little play area for her daughter there. We brought come toys for her Daughter to play with but she is never allowed out of the pram and we never saw the toys again.

AIBU to think 5 hours is too long for a 3 year old to be sat in a pram in a reception area/cafe?

OP posts:
Zeeandra · 04/10/2016 18:14

I can't believe a bunch of social workers are doing nothing to help what appears to be an incredibly vulnerable and fragile mother and child. This is not normal behaviour and is not fair on mother or child. You say you deal with adults well there is one right here so heartbreakingly desperate for adult company that she sits in a cafe for 5 hours every week out of fear that if she doesn't they won't see her for 2 hours.

Please actually use the training you have and talk to her properly, away from the spa and find out what's wrong and get her some help ffs. You say you want to help but then ooh you are so busy. Can't you take a couple
Of hours to make a big difference? Or even flag her to a colleague whose not so closely involved? Just please actually help her. She sounds desperately lonely and likely depressed.

Charlie97 · 04/10/2016 18:14

Poor little poppet!

I don't think you are complicit at all, for what it's worth!

I would also question what play she has at home, if she is "happy" to sit in a buggy for five hours. I know she's not but as a previous poster said mine would need to be falling asleep walking before they would give in to the buggy. Maybe she is better off than being at home, dreadful thought!

lizzieoak · 04/10/2016 18:18

Yes, surely she could drink coffee in a park or take the kid to a library or community activity or something. I would be horrified at the thought of a child cooped up in a pram all day. They need exercise, non-tablet stimulation, and the kid must be a nightmare when she's finally released. How very, very odd.

VimFuego101 · 04/10/2016 18:23

Do you think she's trying to pretend to someone that she has a job? I know you said no partner, but maybe she doesn't want to tell her parents she's unemployed?

kate33 · 04/10/2016 18:24

Nope, not buying it.

Bettybooop25 · 04/10/2016 18:26
Hmm
iminshock · 04/10/2016 18:34

Is this for real ?
You MUST speak up on behalf of this poor child even if it costs you the friendship of the mum.
This is not acceptable. Please do something.

You can not keep a 3 year old in a buggy for hours on end . That is cruel and neglectful .
You are a social worker - you know this , surely ?

JosephineMaynard · 04/10/2016 18:36

Agree this is really odd behaviour.

Could she be worried that you'll all run off and ditch her if she's not waiting in the cafe when you get out of the spa?

Regardless, I'd also be concerned about whether she's coping and about the child. Neither of my DC would have been happy about being stuck in a stationary buggy for anywhere near that long at that age, even with an iPad.
It's also a different scenario to the shopping scenario. A child being pushed around shops has varying scenery to keep them amused.

DianaMitford · 04/10/2016 18:37

If true, this is bloody odd.

She sits all day in the same vicinity as her friends but is unable to socialise at ALL?? And to facilitate this she keeps a three year old strapped into a pushchair for five hours? It's just too bizarre for words.

MakeMyWineADouble · 04/10/2016 18:47

You know her through mutual friends so she must have friends what do they say? About it what is she like with them?

EverySongbirdSays · 04/10/2016 18:50

This thread.....

It's making me hmmmm so much

I'm just posting on so I can keep track of where it goes.

Memoires · 04/10/2016 18:58

Oh FHS!!!!

Just tell her: none of you like what you see. Tell her that.

monkeymamma · 04/10/2016 18:58

Thing with her kid is 100% not on.

But it's obvious she is lonely. She's (literally!) on the outside of your lovely girly group looking in and hanging around the spa seems to be making her feel involved somehow.

You seem incredibly inflexible in your socialising. I love a spa day but once a week, really?! And there's absolutely no way you (or anyone else in the group) can see her on any other day of the week? Ever?

Sounds like you in actual fact do t want her to be part of your clique group but no one had the balls to make that clear, so the spa day thing is a weird sort of consolation prize that you didn't really mean (I'd have thought it would be fairly obvious she can't change free childcare days).

The image of her sitting waiting for you all (and ignoring her 3 year old - ime one of the most rewarding toddler ages) is one of the saddest and will haunt me, frankly. Poor woman and poor poor child.

BakeOffBiscuits · 04/10/2016 19:07

So you're a Social Worker and think the need to post on AIBU about a mother and her child?

Very Confused

JaneJefferson · 04/10/2016 19:08

Just tell her you do not want her there if it means the DC has to be in the buggy all day as it is not fair on DC. Tell her you would be happy to meet her for the meal later. You have to be straight with her.

blueturtle6 · 04/10/2016 19:08

Can you look for a playgroup nearby she could go to for a few hours and then meet afterwards? My one year old would never sit that long never mind a three year old

BombadierFritz · 04/10/2016 19:18

yeah right

GustyParson · 04/10/2016 19:21

"The child is horrible to other kids and can't share. She is shy at first but then overly friendly once she knows someone."

But in your professional opinion, no neglect??

Slave2thecat · 04/10/2016 19:26

This thread is worrying.

What are you going to do next op?

Iggi999 · 04/10/2016 19:27

This is absolute bollocks.
If it's true and this group of women have done nothing to support this little girl you should be shot.

Garthmarenghi · 04/10/2016 19:28

Whatever problems or issues this lady has, it's not right to strap a child of that age in a pushchair for that many hours. She needs telling.

SeenYourArse · 04/10/2016 19:31

You need to have a day off from the spa just one week and say to her you aren't going to go every week anymore and don't go that week Incase she turns up to see if you were telling the truth! Then go back to your normal routine the next week if she turns up again you will just have to be blunt and tell her the truth that it's not an appropriate situation to keep putting her daughter into and makes you all uncomfortable.

PterodactylToenails · 04/10/2016 19:32

I would class that as neglect. I find it strange that you are a social worker and you haven'y already spoken to your friend about how cruel this is.

AnyTheWiser · 04/10/2016 19:32

This cannot be real. Are you an adult SW?
No children's SW would pause for a minute to report- a child strapped in a buggy all day is neglect, no question!

HeyOverHere · 04/10/2016 19:38

She sounds depressed and lonely, and not understanding of the fact that that length of time in a stroller isn't good for her daughter.

I don't think you should give up your spa days for her, but if you have a friend who'd like to join you for part of the day but maybe not the spa, perhaps s/he could join the new mom in reception? Or even watch the girl while the mom has a chance for a spa day, too?

And definitely try to gently let her know that the girl needs to move around. Treat it as kind education rather than correction.

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