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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on my friend's daughter?

172 replies

definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 15:46

My friends and I go to a spa for one day every week. It's run by the local college so the staff are trainees and it costs practically nothing to use the facilities and get treatments done. We love it. We go until 3pm as we have our children in nursery and/or school during those hours.
A woman I knew through mutual friends asked if she could come along as she's not met any friends yet. This has been something we've done for almost two years now. So she turned up with her Daughter and the spa staff explained they have a strict policy regarding children and she cannot bring her in. We suggested she put her Daughter in nursery so that next time she can come along for a few hours when her daughter isn't there. She gets 15 hours free so could rearrange her days to have one day longer childfree.That particular day we did something child friendly as we realised she wasn't aware of the spa's child policy.

Anyway for months now she has arrived at 10am for the spa day and brought her Daughter and kept her daughter in the pram in the reception/cafe area until 3pm. She then goes for a meal with us all. She wont let her Daughter out of the pram at all during that time as she says she plays up when she's out of the pram and not at home. She gives her an ipad and snacks to keep her occupied.

This is the only day we can do the spa day or else we would try a different day.

If she wants to sit in the reception area for hours it's none of my business, but I just feel so sorry for her Daughter. My Son would never ever stay in a pram that long and her Daughter is so bored. She whines constantly and asks to come out of the pram. She then has to stay in the pram further while we walk to the cafe/pick our children up. We then have our dinner (we all make an effort to play with her once we are out) and our children are there then. The day ends around 5pm.

We all work so this is the only day we have, to do something together as we make sure we have one day a week alone with our children/families. We don't feel we need to stop having the spa day, just because she can't go as we have been doing it for years and she does not have to come along. She could come for the meal afterwards instead. I also invited her specifically to the Spa day not anything else so I did explain what we did each day.

I'm not sure why she chooses to come along. She doesn't get to chat to anyone for those few hours and there's no little play area for her daughter there. We brought come toys for her Daughter to play with but she is never allowed out of the pram and we never saw the toys again.

AIBU to think 5 hours is too long for a 3 year old to be sat in a pram in a reception area/cafe?

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/10/2016 16:15

Well it probably won't work out socially for her. Why not suggest she just joins you at lunchtime, ideally without her dd. Or comes while she is at nursery.

MrsHam13 · 04/10/2016 16:17

Completely daft and pointless. My three year old would never go in a buggy never mind sit in one all day.

Original poster
definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 16:17

Well it probably won't work out socially for her. Why not suggest she just joins you at lunchtime, ideally without her dd. Or comes while she is at nursery*

Oh we have!

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 04/10/2016 16:19

Christ. I can't believe some people's reaction to this is to think the OP should just be bothered about her child free day being spoiled and sod the little girl!

OP, do you think it might be worth having a word and suggesting maybe she could meet up with some of you for coffee or something on a more suitable day when you can go somewhere child friendly? Make it sympathetic and say you're just worried about her spending all that money to sit in a cafe on her own all day waiting for you.

She sounds lonely and probably feels like this is her only chance to get out so is afraid to follow it up.

I have to say though, if it was me I wouldn't be massively keen to be friends with someone who treated their child like that. Is she nice otherwise to the little girl?

FourToTheFloor · 04/10/2016 16:21

I'm more Confused. I thought she was actually having some treatments!

Weird (and shit for her dd).

gettingitwrongputingitright · 04/10/2016 16:21

Thats just horrible. My 3 year old would be out of thebuggy after 3 seconds.

cowbag1 · 04/10/2016 16:23

I think the weirdest part of this is that she is willing to sit in a cafe for 5 hours waiting for you all (and yes it's obviously very unfair on her daughter). What does she do in all that time? Does she maybe think you wouldn't meet up with her afterwards if she wasn't waiting for you?

She sounds insecure and a bit bonkers.

Rubies12345 · 04/10/2016 16:24

Why the hell doesn't she just turn up at the time of the meal?!

Who normally looks after her daughter when she's at work?

waterrat · 04/10/2016 16:25

I have never said this before on mumsnet but I think that is so strange and negligent of the needs of a 3 year old thst I wpuld want to consider speaking to social services.

What else goes on in that child's life? That is absolutely horrible putting a child of that age in a buggy for several hours. It's abusive.

shovetheholly · 04/10/2016 16:27

She sounds very bored and possibly a bit depressed. I think perhaps asking if she is really OK might be a starting point - it isn't the behaviour of someone who is coping. Perhaps she finds being home alone frightening? I read a story of a lady who had such bad PND that she would ride the buses all day because she thought that she might harm her baby, and that if she was in public this couldn't happen.

Sorry that your spa day has been ruined, but it does sound like something else is up with your friend.

SleepFreeZone · 04/10/2016 16:27

Sorry, why can't she come later, have I missed the explanation for this? Has she ever heard of soft play?

OlennasWimple · 04/10/2016 16:28

So she sits in the cafe all day with her DD while you are in the spa, just so that she is there when you finish? Confused

waterrat - I agree...

Original poster
definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 16:29

Im a Social worker myself. As are two others in the group. She clearly loves her child, there is no neglect we can see and this wouldn't even get past an initial visit by social services. From what we can see she is definitely lonely, a bit spoilt and a bit clingy. A few things she has said have made us think that if she got a boyfriend she would be gone and we would never hear from her again. She just wants company.

She doesn't play much with her Daughter and does spend way too much time on her phone and too little on her Daughter. But I think that's massively to do with the fact she is lonely and bored in her current set up. She is currently unemployed. The rest of us work.

OP posts:
Original poster
definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 16:31

She could come later. She CHOOSES to come to the Spa. We have absolutely no idea why. She never answers directly if we suggest meeting us afterwards and just says 'no I will meet you at 10 as usual.

OP posts:
leopardchanges · 04/10/2016 16:32

She may not have problems at home, but something's not right. That she makes the decision to keep DD in the buggy for 5 hrs with the iPad every single week - not a one off, so clearly an actual decision - doesn't sit well.

Would it be possible to go out for a drink one evening, or suggest a take away at hers if childcare is an issue, to have a chance for a proper chat? Find out what's going on?

I totally get the boredom of being at home, but she both doesn't want to engage (or can't) with DD and her needs (other than basic ones), and doesn't want to let someone else look after her/let her go either.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 04/10/2016 16:32

If you're a social worker, could you not suggest support from Family Services? Groups etc, that may encourage her and DD to socialise?

waterrat · 04/10/2016 16:35

I would find out where the 3 year old is at pre school and tell the school I had concerns about the mum and her parenting. They can keep an eye.

itsmine · 04/10/2016 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScaredAboutTheFuture · 04/10/2016 16:39

So just to clarify....

You don't actually see her during the day as you're in the Spa. So she isn't causing you any problems directly.

I don't think there is much you can do. She isn't technically doing anything wrong and it isn't affecting you, and you have suggested alternatives so.... just let it carry on.

If it's really irritating you about the child then you have to make the decision whether to be more blunt about it.

Original poster
definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 16:40

The problem is I work full-time, I do the spa one day and have a family day another. I feel bad but I don't really feel I am able to see her any other day as I already have visitors during the week and I'm not sure I want to become close friends.

She has said she does not want to go to any clubs or groups and we have suggested loads. There are loads of organisations that could support her, she does not want anything at the moment and her parenting isn't at a stage where anything could be forced.

I also work in Adults so Children's care isn't something I'm confident in.

I'm just glad to know I wasn't being unreasonable for feeling the way I do about her Daughter.

OP posts:
GustyParson · 04/10/2016 16:40

You call the child a girl initially, but say she lives alone with her son?

Original poster
definetlynotbored · 04/10/2016 16:42

You call the child a girl initially, but say she lives alone with her son?

Yes I realised after I typed it. I didn't bother to correct it as it's obvious I meant Daughter. I am so used to saying Son as I have a Son.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/10/2016 16:43

I'm pretty amazed that keeping a 3 year old tied up in a buggy for 5 hours isn't classed as some sort of neglect. The child's needs are definitely not being put first.

Is this a wind up?

OlennasWimple · 04/10/2016 16:44

Time to have an awkward but direct conversation with her then:

"We love spending time with you but are concerned that DD spends so much time sat in her buggy when you are waiting for us on Wednesdays at the spa. It's bad for her development to be physically confined for so long without proper stimulation, and we know that you wouldn't want to harm her. We see lots of parents at work who, for various reasons, are struggling with their DC and need some extra help and support to make the right choices for them. Here are some details of a group who might be able to help you / [insert useful information here]. Can we agree to meet you in the cafe at 2pm next Wednesday for our normal drink and catch up?"

FleurThomas · 04/10/2016 16:44

She sounds really sad. Tbh someone should call her out on this, ideally the friend who introduced her to the group. Not only is it weird but it's also unhealthy for her DD. If she insists on doing it just go to another spa and don't tell her.

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